Dear Forum Friends:
It’s been nearly two years since my bride began exhibiting delusions and even acts of violence. These only lasted for a few weeks. But the confusion continued. After many months of testing and doctor’s appointments it was determined she was suffering with early and sudden onset of Alzheimer’s. Our lives changed.
In the last 3 months progression of the disease has ramped up significantly. So much that it has taken me to a decision I knew would come, but hoping I would never have to make.
Next week I will be placing bride of nearly 32 years in a Memory Care facility. It is a good one that will work with her to try and teach her functional ADLs (Activities of Daily Living). While these may only be retained for few minutes, it is hopeful they will give her a bit better quality of life. This type of teaching is called the Montessori system. There is only one such facility here in South Carolina, that I am aware of, but is only minutes away from our new home in Summerville.
The move to a memory care facility is going to be hard for her to understand. I will be crying my eyes out. I feel I’m betraying my bride on a promise of “Till death do us part”. Just a few weeks ago she said to me, “Please don’t throw me away.” I have done everything I can to keep her home and to honor our joint desire to care for one another, even to having 24/7 caregivers. It takes two people present, at all times, to care for her. And I have become very weary.
Having my Love in a care facility will be very helpful to her because she’ll have not only caregivers but also have medical professionals there at all times. It’s the painful emotions knowing my wife will never live with me again. That is what hurts the most.
I would ask you to pray for us during this painful transition. But also please pray for my bride’s quick passing. It’s what she needs the most.
https://www.alzheimers.net/montessori-method-dementia
You are with her till death do you part, you are just living in different spaces. She requires more care than you can give her, you are doing the right thing for her.
I wish you the very best in this long journey, my best friend is going through this right now, her husband is trying to hold onto what was, not what is.
My FIL was moved to a memory care unit a few months ago; after 70+ years with my MIL. He has severe dementia that has progressed to the point he cannot take care of his daily toileting and other needs. The transition for him was not as difficult as it was for my MIL. Your wife is very blessed to have you making this difficult decision on her behalf. We will pray for peace for you as you cope with not having your sweet wife by your side.
Thank you so much for your prayers! This is not a decision to be made by intellect or emotions. Both can fail me. But the Father will not fail me. Only He can guide me in the right path and give me peace with each step. - Would love to connect with you outside this forum, if possible.
if you use Facebook, you can find me, Terry Canipe. I’m standing by a bay with my bride, moon setting behind us. Send me a message and I’ll respond.
Love and cherish her in sickness and in health.....
By placing your bride in a place that will care for her you are honoring that vow.
You are not for forsaking her.
You are not throwing her away.
You are making a difficult choice that will keep her safe and protected.
Would you want her to do the same if she were in your position?
With others helping to care for her you can again be the loving, devoted husband you are and not a caregiver.
You have done the best that you can do. No one can ask more of any human than that.
I always told myself when I went to bed each night that if I did the best that I could for my Husband that day then I could sleep easy.
Sleep well....((hugs))
You as her caregiver have an equal responsibility to take care of yourself. One danger a dementia caregiver faces is personally caring for a LO beyond their, the caregiver’s, caregiving limits. I don't mean caring as in loving your LO, but rather trying to provide for all of their needs and responding to their behavior at the expense of your own physical and mental health. I’m sure her request to not “throw her away” was gut wrenching to hear. But I assure you that your decision to place your bride in a care facility is best for both your and her wellbeing.
So let the tears come. Accept the grief that the separation will cause and the thought that your life has changed. I do pray that her stay in MC will be short (my wife’s was only 15 months). So visit her often. Hold hands (touch is important), express your love for her, reminisce. The last days are tough and even if she no longer knows who you are, you know who she is…be there for her.
It’s been almost 5 years since my wife’s passing, and although there’s not a day I don’t think of her, the grief is gone, and I’ve accepted my new life. You, too, will struggle with grief, but your life goes on.
I lost my mother to dementia in February, and prayed daily that God would take her because nobody wants to see their loved one live like that. We all suffer when dementia comes into play. It's a family disease. It's not just your dear wife who's dealing with this, but you as well. You're hurting and suffering right along with her b/c your life has been overturned right along with hers. I know how hard this is for you to place her in Memory Care (as I did with my mother), but know it's the right move, no matter WHAT others may tell you. Go visit her as much as you're able, and spend time with her in her new home after she settles in. It's all you can do. Know that you're a good and loving husband and your wife is in capable hands.
Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace moving forward.
We had a lovely man at Church whose wife suffered from fluid on the brain. It causes Dementia like symptoms. He was so patient with her. When he was needed for a project at the Church, women friends of his wife would stay with her. He, too, eventually had to place her. He was with her every afternoon. He had lunch with her and stayed till dinner. He was there for her and him too. You are not throwing her away because you will be there for her and true to your vows. This is an awful desease and one person cannot be expected to care for someone 24/7. It takes a village.
As the manager of a boutique home healthcare agency in Boca Raton, FL this is a common conversation I have with my clients and their family. Knowing very little about your circumstances, finances, personal health, etc. I would like to offer a contrary opinion... largely because we all know that whatever promises your Memory Care Facility makes will probably not be lived up to.
Many of my clients end up with their loved ones in Memory Care and still need 24-hour private caregivers to take up the deficiency in care needed.
My suggestion is that before you commit to a Memory Care Facility, you look to see if there is an Adult Day Care Center that may be able to provide your wife with the type of therapy she needs, enough respite to keep your sanity, and keeping her at home where she belongs with round-the-clock care to help you take care of your bride of 32 years.
I know this may only be a short-term solution, but perhaps worth a try... it may also be less expensive than MC.
One final bit of advice... not all Caregivers work well with dementia clients. Ensure your caregivers are properly trained and performing the tasks and duties she needs for optimal care, not just checking off ADLs on their timesheets.
~BRAD
So my advice: accept that it is best for your wife and concentrate on building your interests and support systems.
someone in this thread said to spend time with her, reminiscing and holding her hand. Good counsel if she is at that place with you. My wife has t known who I was for over 2 years but she recognizes my face when I visit.
If you’d like to connect, drop me an email at [email protected].
God is indeed sovereign. Who are we to know His will. If you’ve never had the opportunity to do a study of Job, I would encourage that.
Can you help her feel like her "new room" is where "the nurse will help me take care of you?"
My mother was severely limited: blind, immobile, and unable to initiate communication or requests, though she could hear, comprehend, and respond in some fashion up until a month or two before she departed.
The facility also had an assisted living unit and a memory support unit.
MY ADVICE: Visit with her as much as as frequently as you can. The staff will notice. It is the only thing that will diminish the amount of institutionalized neglect that runs rampant in most LTC facilities.