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Thanks again.
I don't know about your mother in law, by my Mom has mild to moderate dimentia. She was afraid to live by herself, wanted to move, was all by herself during the day and most nights and now she wants to go home. Now she eats with people, can walk around the facility and is not alone. But she's still not happy. Her house is for sale and she really can't go back. She can't drive and shouldn't be living by herself. She also complains every single day. At times she's down right mean.
I have POA for my mom and have been taking care of her expenses for the past 5 years. She can't come home since she really can't take care of herself. However to hear my Mom tell this she's perfectly capable and there's nothing wrong with her. Not to mention that she may have been overmedicating herself when she was at home. I'm not going to go into what she did when she lived by herself.
The advise I would give you and your husband is back off and don't let her words affect you. This is way easier said than done. I've taken the AL's staff advice and I shut down my cell after 7:30 when I'm home in the evening. The AL has my home phone and if there's an emergency they know they can get me there. She has sundowners syndrome and gets really bad (mean and angry) at night. It was making me ill every time the phone rang. The sad part about this is that I used to talk to my mom three times a day. Now I don't look forward to callling her at all. I actually don't look forward to visiting her but I do. When she gives me a hard time, I tell her that I'll come back when she's feeling better. Then she backs off. I was told that it could take a month or so to acclimate herself to the surroundings and probably 6 months for her to feel like it's her home. It may take longer for her.
As far as your husband jumping hoops, yes I know that feeling. My brother witnessed me going to her room and running around like a chicken without a head as soon as my mom complained about something I tried to fix it immediately. I think that that's the guilt in us. I've started to back off since I know that she knows how to pull my strings.
It's going to be hard for your husband to do this. I know since he sounds just like me. But I feel so much better not taking her calls in the evening. Believe me it was the best advice I received and the best advice I can give.
Good luck.
We placed my mother in law in a personal care home back at the beginning of July and she is making us miserable.
She can no longer be left alone she is 89. She lived in a elder community and complained about that place for years. She had her own apartment there but after issues with pnuemonia and sugar levels last winter we started looking into alternatives. We totally left the decision up to her, we did not push, and one day she said to us that she thought this would be the best move.
However, she does complain daily about how she wants to live with anyone of her boys. She has 5 boys and 1 daughter. The daughter lives away so that is not an option.
Mother in law can be very mean and nasty, she is very negative. You cannot carry on a decent conversation, nothing is good, everything is bad......etc. so it makes it a very trying time when you go to visit.
She now says she cannot stay there any longer, she wants out. We have to get her out by winter because she soesn't want to moving in the winter.
Dear hubby cannot do enough for her, nothing makes her happy. He jumps through hoops to make her happy all to no avail. When we come back from visiting he is miserable feels guilty and gets very depressed. I don't want to visit any longer. It's just too trying!!!
Any suggestions??
When she is down, she calls me and demands that I come over and get her out of there. She says she wants to go home etc. When she is up she says that she'll get used to the place and it's not so bad.
They have exercise, bingo, outings, social hours etc. They even have Mass on the premises.
I've gotten to the point that I don't want to pick up the phone when she calls. When the phone rings and I see her number, I get a pain in my stomach. My husband told me that I'm making myself sick. I know that I made the best decision and picked a great place for her. So the pain in my stomach is not guilt, it's awareness that she's going to beat me up on the phone call.
The wellness director advised that she needs her space and I shouldn't go running over there every time she calls. She said I have to be strong since it's probably harder on me then on her. They told me that she's is fine and if there is any emergency, I'll hear from them. Can anyone share how they cope with these phone calls from their parents? I would greatly appreciate it.
She knows many of the other residents, so I am trying to stay positive that she will soon acclimate.
Hopefully, one night soon I will get more than 4 hours of sleep. I can't help but compare this to the time when I had a newborn in the house...the difference being, i was much younger then and had a lot more energy. I keep a pad of paper by the bed and write down the thoughts that keep running through by head...the problem is, I usually can't read them in the morning.
I spent the first 15 years of my life in a home where my mother took care of my grandmother, who had numerous strokes and became quite combative and abusive in her words. My mother, unfortuately, seems to be follwing the same path. I am trying to hang in there. My mother has a couple of brothers, sisters, and sisters-in law, that are trying to help...and I truly appreciate them. However, most of the burden is falling on my shoulders. I am trying to stay strong... but the words do really hurt, especially when one is exhausted. Anyone out there who is going through something like this...I am praying for you and I know that you are paying for me. I am doing my best to keep the image of the grandmother that played with my daughters firmly in my mind, and not take to heart the hurtful words that I know she really doesn't mean.
Donna if you are out there and reading how about some feedback?
It seems as though, no matter what you do, your mother will do this to you. You can sympathize with her, but some people will not be happy. Period. The fact that her brother is at the particular AL, and they are close, is very good. I wish you well.
Carol
I can't take her to my home, as my home has different levels and she has to use a wheelchair, other than to take a few steps with a walker. Also, I grew up in a home with my grandmother and it was horrible. She treated my mother and me like slaves and was verbally abusive. I can't put my family through that, nor can I go through it again.
I am glad for this site, where people understand what we are going through. Even if you can't change it, it helps to have someone listen.
Good luck with your mother...I hope and pray everything works out for you.
Good for you for doing what you felt was right for your Dad.
Carol
I felt so sorry for my dad I wanted to just die.
My dad continued this behavior because my brother and sister would be so gutless as to give him "hope" that they would take him but they would "check with me first" OMG putting it on me,,, like it was my decision.
My dad takes many, many medication, and insulin and they did not feel comfortable in caring for someone so sick but they kept letting him think.... maybe ... maybe.
Finally I told them either take dad and give him a home or quit giving him hope. He will never adjust, accept, and deal with it as long as he has choices (that don't really exist).
The best advice that was given to us, was this, be involved, as ED pointed out. No one but the patient (if able) , and the family should be in charge of the meds.
What I found out was the following: If at all possible do not use the "doctor" that does rounds at the assistant living complex, or the pediatrist, as in my experience they don't always have the patient's best interest in mind. If possible don't have the meds delivered to the complex, we found that we could monitor what was being charged, easier if we were in control of the meds.
Also, we would "pop" in and out unexpectedly. Talk to the CNA's they know the patient better at times. Also, they will pick up on your cues, try to be positive about their new home, help
them decorate and make it homey and visit and call often, and the best advise is always "trust but verify"-President Ronald Reagan
Some assisted living residents may experience a decrease in perceived control, similar to that of nursing home residents, despite the philosophy of independence that defines assisted living facilities. As assisted living residents perceived control increases, an improvement in physical health and quality of socialization ensues. There is, therefore, a significant positive correlation between the choice residents perceive they have in their self-care and leisure activities and their quality of life. Similarly, resident choice and autonomy also have a positive impact on satisfaction. Individuals who exercise independent choices and are involved in their care planning and day-to-day activities are usually healthier and happier.
Having the freedom to live her own lifestyle is very important to your mom and just about every assisted living resident. I'd have a candid talk with her to find out what exactly she's not happy with. Who knows? It might not be the facility itself but the thought of being sectioned off or detached from the rest of the family and the depression associated with that sinking feeling of being "discarded."
Everything you need to know, and every answer you seek, resides within her. The staff at the assisted living facility will undoubtedly give you a song and dance about the wonderful social activities available to all residents as well as the state of the art medical care and worry-free environment where the ostensibly free individual is supposed to flourish. Sounds to good to be true, doesn't it? It is. The moment you say goodbye to your loved one and drive away it's all business as usual.
Listen to your mother, don't be afraid to ask questions from all staff, and watch like a hawk. You are paying for a service, so don't settle for anything but the best.
-- ED
Good luck on your long distance caregiving journey.
We tend to think that elderly people are like children in the sense that they "bounce back" easy and and adjust easily etc., but they don't. My advice, get her out of there, and perhaps do what I did and bring in a CNA to help take care of her.
Obviousely, if she has any conditions that would make it hard for you to do this, then I would suggest you look for another assisted living.
Another option, would be to stay her apartment for a couple of days and see if you can help her fit in and maybe make a few friends.