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komentaightor and Jennegibbs, as you both said, no two situations are the same. A person who never uses outside care in any form is not necessarily a better or worse caregiver than someone who does. Needs differ. Abilities differ. Most importantly, personalities differ - and that includes the care receiver as well as the caregiver.
Comparison shouldn't have anything to do with this since we are often comparing apples and oranges as the old saying goes. Support for the caregiver and the care receiver are what is needed and what, in most cases, come through here loud and clear. I'm so proud to be part of this group!
Carol
The point I want to make is that EVERY CASE of looking after an Alzheimer's or dementia sufferer IS UNIQUE. The medical condition may be the same as hundreds of other sufferers, but the family condition is always different. Quite often the acrimonious debate among family members and friends can be as harmful and difficult to live with as caring for the sufferer over whom all the quarrels are about.
Non live-in carers are just as vulnerable as family carers to phone calls demanding them to drop everything in order to rush over to help a sufferer still living in their own home. I even got a call to take my friend home from hospital when I was on holdiday, 1000 road miles away! Of course I drove home through the night, arriving exhausted in the morning, only to learn that she had gone home by ambulance and the visiting nurses had already arranged extra day care for her. I was not needed.
Practically all carers have similar stories of extreme inconvenience. If they have not, they are extremely blessed and should thank all their lucky stars.
That is why there should be no judgement of others who post on this forum. There should be no criticism of the decision to place a relative in a nursing home or specialised residential care rather than take/keep them at home. Such decisions are agonising, often made worse by lack of available places or lack of finance to pay for them.
My one recommendation, strongly advised by the home where my Alz friend now resides: take away all cell phones and don't set up access to a fixed phone where they can call out. I protested at first, but later admitted it was a very wise recommendation.
But I have seen many -- most -- of the caregivers in my support group have to face the fact that they could no longer care for their spouse in their home. It was a wrenching decision but they made it in love. I am NOT a better person than any of them nor did/do any of them love their spouse less than I did. They were simply dealt a different hand.
My 93-yo mother has dementia. She is in a nursing home. I am absolutely amazed and how well she is doing there! I think I can say that objectively without "assuaging" any guilt, because I do not feel any guilt.
I send you warm hugs, Willows, as you deal with your spouse's dementia. I know how heartbreaking that can be. But along with Linda22 (and I expect many of our forum participants), I'm really tired of people judging without being in the other guy's shoes -- or even stubbornly insisting that one shoe size fits all.
I hope you are able to fulfill your own commitment. Please don't judge others.
2 weeks is not long enough, she's home sick for her past.
I hope it helps, it works wonder at my AL community.
It certainly does sound like dementia. I know that you are associating this with the move into AL, but please understand that if mental deterioration is going to occur, it is going to occur whereever the patient is. A change in surroundings may trigger more noticeable acting out, but it doesn't cause the underlying pathology. In other words, this is not your fault for moving Auntie.
It is possible that she is at a point where assisted living is not sufficient. You made an appointment with a doctor and I hope you can get her to keep it. Alert the doctor ahead of time of what the real issues are. Perhaps this visit could be a springboard to having her evaluated.Talk to that doctor. Talk to the AL visiting doctor. Talk to the AL staff. Perhaps your aunt needs more direct care and supervision than an AL is set up to provide.
Meanwhile, save your sanity! Set some boundaries. Do not accept 40 calls a day. Set some times for calls, and screen the calls the rest of the day. Don't answer hers. Tell her that outside of the "family call" times, she needs to call the AL staff, and if it is an emergency they will call you. She can call you at work only between 11 and noon; the rest of the day you have meetings and conferences and your boss does not like people to take many personal calls during the day. She can also call you at home between 7 and 8. (Obviously you can set whatever times you like.) And she may call her sister between 2 and 4. That's it. All the rest of the day you both will only accept emergency calls from the AL staff. Alternately, you can schedule times when each of you will call her. Accept no calls from her. This maybe sounds tough, but your mental health is just as valuable as hers. Take care of it!
I hope you are not actually delivering her meals three times a day!
Love this poor woman. Reassure her that she is safe. If possible get some medical evaluation and possible treatment of symptoms. Advocate for her. Determine if some other setting would be more appropriate for her. But set boundaries to protect your mother and your own mental health.
Best of luck with these difficult tasks.
If the meeting quickly established that living with one of her relatives is not possible, could it move on to what her specific complaints are about where she is? Then you could agree to look into them and work on ways to make some of them better. You want her to know that you love her and are not abandoning her, even though you cannot give her what she thinks she wants regarding where she lives.
You may also talk among yourselves ahead of time, and accept the likelihood that, given her negative attitude, she is not likely to accept reality graciously. Plan how you will handle that, and remain upbeat, loving, supportive, and with your boundaries intact.
Good luck!
She however, does have a very negative attitude.
We all work, there is no way she could move into one of our homes. Our house is not equipped. She has issues with lfting her legs.
If it were settled that where she is is going to be her home, is it possible that she'd go about adjusting to it? What kind of impairments does MIL have? What is the AL's view of how well she is adjusting?
She wants out of there...NOW!!! Wants a family meeting to see which one will take her in.
Many people with dementia constantly want to go home. My husband did, in spite of the fact he was at home, living where we'd lived more than a dozen years, with me, sleeping in the same room, eating at the same table, etc. etc.
There is no guarantee that even if you could arrange for your parent to "go home" again that that would solve the problem.
Help........from Atlanta, GA