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But I have seen many -- most -- of the caregivers in my support group have to face the fact that they could no longer care for their spouse in their home. It was a wrenching decision but they made it in love. I am NOT a better person than any of them nor did/do any of them love their spouse less than I did. They were simply dealt a different hand.
My 93-yo mother has dementia. She is in a nursing home. I am absolutely amazed and how well she is doing there! I think I can say that objectively without "assuaging" any guilt, because I do not feel any guilt.
I send you warm hugs, Willows, as you deal with your spouse's dementia. I know how heartbreaking that can be. But along with Linda22 (and I expect many of our forum participants), I'm really tired of people judging without being in the other guy's shoes -- or even stubbornly insisting that one shoe size fits all.
I hope you are able to fulfill your own commitment. Please don't judge others.
The point I want to make is that EVERY CASE of looking after an Alzheimer's or dementia sufferer IS UNIQUE. The medical condition may be the same as hundreds of other sufferers, but the family condition is always different. Quite often the acrimonious debate among family members and friends can be as harmful and difficult to live with as caring for the sufferer over whom all the quarrels are about.
Non live-in carers are just as vulnerable as family carers to phone calls demanding them to drop everything in order to rush over to help a sufferer still living in their own home. I even got a call to take my friend home from hospital when I was on holdiday, 1000 road miles away! Of course I drove home through the night, arriving exhausted in the morning, only to learn that she had gone home by ambulance and the visiting nurses had already arranged extra day care for her. I was not needed.
Practically all carers have similar stories of extreme inconvenience. If they have not, they are extremely blessed and should thank all their lucky stars.
That is why there should be no judgement of others who post on this forum. There should be no criticism of the decision to place a relative in a nursing home or specialised residential care rather than take/keep them at home. Such decisions are agonising, often made worse by lack of available places or lack of finance to pay for them.
My one recommendation, strongly advised by the home where my Alz friend now resides: take away all cell phones and don't set up access to a fixed phone where they can call out. I protested at first, but later admitted it was a very wise recommendation.
komentaightor and Jennegibbs, as you both said, no two situations are the same. A person who never uses outside care in any form is not necessarily a better or worse caregiver than someone who does. Needs differ. Abilities differ. Most importantly, personalities differ - and that includes the care receiver as well as the caregiver.
Comparison shouldn't have anything to do with this since we are often comparing apples and oranges as the old saying goes. Support for the caregiver and the care receiver are what is needed and what, in most cases, come through here loud and clear. I'm so proud to be part of this group!
Carol
Best wishes
It would be great if everyone had the luxury of feeling a paycheck is optional, but for most of us, that's not the case. And if we're talking about Alzheimer's, do not even attempt it unless your willing to take 10 to 20 years off your own life. Unless you've been there, you have no clue what it's like and what it does to you. Then there's the terrible guilt and misery you feel because you *can't care for them.... It's just relentless.
When I visit I feel like I'm back in high school again.
The people there definitely divide up into their own little groups and there are some that sit by themselves, it makes me sad.
My mom overall loves being at this assisted-living, my dad is determined to come home soon........ugh.......dad likes the assisted-living and everyone there but he's ready to get out, and says he can take care of himself. he did it before. Really?...then why have you had 5 bypasses cuz of heart attack, uncontrolled diabetes, diabetic retinopathy, neuropathy, and legally blind? Had stroke last summer which led to carotid artery surgery. A non healing foot ulcer, poor balance and gets poop all over bathroom/ shower and chairs in his room. Many experienced smart friends here at this site have told me to absolutely not let him leave the assisted-living. I totally agree and so do the nurses there, I need more help from his doctor to intervene...
My family and I live on the same property with my dad, so I will be his main caregiver even though he says he doesn't need help. He plans on getting Help At Home. My stress is SO high now with both of my parents at AL even though they are very well taken care of. Sloooowlyyyyyyyy learning how to take care of me,
BIG THANKS to this site!💜
the nurses think my dad is playing me. He tells them he loves it there. He tells me there's a lot he likes there but wants to come home.
What do you think about him playin me?? I think they may be right.
You have given me advice here before, kinda bluntly at times BUT I NEED BLUNT! And lots of it when it comes to this man I call dad!! Cuz (in my own words), I'm a wuss and also a people pleaser....ugh, being that is so exhausting and it makes it
hard for me to stand up for what I believe in. But I am trying and working hard to change.
I think you are so right on with your comment above!! Sure makes me look at the situation differently.
Thank you 🐭
💜Bella