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When she is down, she calls me and demands that I come over and get her out of there. She says she wants to go home etc. When she is up she says that she'll get used to the place and it's not so bad.
They have exercise, bingo, outings, social hours etc. They even have Mass on the premises.
I've gotten to the point that I don't want to pick up the phone when she calls. When the phone rings and I see her number, I get a pain in my stomach. My husband told me that I'm making myself sick. I know that I made the best decision and picked a great place for her. So the pain in my stomach is not guilt, it's awareness that she's going to beat me up on the phone call.
The wellness director advised that she needs her space and I shouldn't go running over there every time she calls. She said I have to be strong since it's probably harder on me then on her. They told me that she's is fine and if there is any emergency, I'll hear from them. Can anyone share how they cope with these phone calls from their parents? I would greatly appreciate it.
We placed my mother in law in a personal care home back at the beginning of July and she is making us miserable.
She can no longer be left alone she is 89. She lived in a elder community and complained about that place for years. She had her own apartment there but after issues with pnuemonia and sugar levels last winter we started looking into alternatives. We totally left the decision up to her, we did not push, and one day she said to us that she thought this would be the best move.
However, she does complain daily about how she wants to live with anyone of her boys. She has 5 boys and 1 daughter. The daughter lives away so that is not an option.
Mother in law can be very mean and nasty, she is very negative. You cannot carry on a decent conversation, nothing is good, everything is bad......etc. so it makes it a very trying time when you go to visit.
She now says she cannot stay there any longer, she wants out. We have to get her out by winter because she soesn't want to moving in the winter.
Dear hubby cannot do enough for her, nothing makes her happy. He jumps through hoops to make her happy all to no avail. When we come back from visiting he is miserable feels guilty and gets very depressed. I don't want to visit any longer. It's just too trying!!!
Any suggestions??
I don't know about your mother in law, by my Mom has mild to moderate dimentia. She was afraid to live by herself, wanted to move, was all by herself during the day and most nights and now she wants to go home. Now she eats with people, can walk around the facility and is not alone. But she's still not happy. Her house is for sale and she really can't go back. She can't drive and shouldn't be living by herself. She also complains every single day. At times she's down right mean.
I have POA for my mom and have been taking care of her expenses for the past 5 years. She can't come home since she really can't take care of herself. However to hear my Mom tell this she's perfectly capable and there's nothing wrong with her. Not to mention that she may have been overmedicating herself when she was at home. I'm not going to go into what she did when she lived by herself.
The advise I would give you and your husband is back off and don't let her words affect you. This is way easier said than done. I've taken the AL's staff advice and I shut down my cell after 7:30 when I'm home in the evening. The AL has my home phone and if there's an emergency they know they can get me there. She has sundowners syndrome and gets really bad (mean and angry) at night. It was making me ill every time the phone rang. The sad part about this is that I used to talk to my mom three times a day. Now I don't look forward to callling her at all. I actually don't look forward to visiting her but I do. When she gives me a hard time, I tell her that I'll come back when she's feeling better. Then she backs off. I was told that it could take a month or so to acclimate herself to the surroundings and probably 6 months for her to feel like it's her home. It may take longer for her.
As far as your husband jumping hoops, yes I know that feeling. My brother witnessed me going to her room and running around like a chicken without a head as soon as my mom complained about something I tried to fix it immediately. I think that that's the guilt in us. I've started to back off since I know that she knows how to pull my strings.
It's going to be hard for your husband to do this. I know since he sounds just like me. But I feel so much better not taking her calls in the evening. Believe me it was the best advice I received and the best advice I can give.
Good luck.
Thanks again.
Help........from Atlanta, GA
Many people with dementia constantly want to go home. My husband did, in spite of the fact he was at home, living where we'd lived more than a dozen years, with me, sleeping in the same room, eating at the same table, etc. etc.
There is no guarantee that even if you could arrange for your parent to "go home" again that that would solve the problem.
She wants out of there...NOW!!! Wants a family meeting to see which one will take her in.
If it were settled that where she is is going to be her home, is it possible that she'd go about adjusting to it? What kind of impairments does MIL have? What is the AL's view of how well she is adjusting?
She however, does have a very negative attitude.
We all work, there is no way she could move into one of our homes. Our house is not equipped. She has issues with lfting her legs.
If the meeting quickly established that living with one of her relatives is not possible, could it move on to what her specific complaints are about where she is? Then you could agree to look into them and work on ways to make some of them better. You want her to know that you love her and are not abandoning her, even though you cannot give her what she thinks she wants regarding where she lives.
You may also talk among yourselves ahead of time, and accept the likelihood that, given her negative attitude, she is not likely to accept reality graciously. Plan how you will handle that, and remain upbeat, loving, supportive, and with your boundaries intact.
Good luck!
It certainly does sound like dementia. I know that you are associating this with the move into AL, but please understand that if mental deterioration is going to occur, it is going to occur whereever the patient is. A change in surroundings may trigger more noticeable acting out, but it doesn't cause the underlying pathology. In other words, this is not your fault for moving Auntie.
It is possible that she is at a point where assisted living is not sufficient. You made an appointment with a doctor and I hope you can get her to keep it. Alert the doctor ahead of time of what the real issues are. Perhaps this visit could be a springboard to having her evaluated.Talk to that doctor. Talk to the AL visiting doctor. Talk to the AL staff. Perhaps your aunt needs more direct care and supervision than an AL is set up to provide.
Meanwhile, save your sanity! Set some boundaries. Do not accept 40 calls a day. Set some times for calls, and screen the calls the rest of the day. Don't answer hers. Tell her that outside of the "family call" times, she needs to call the AL staff, and if it is an emergency they will call you. She can call you at work only between 11 and noon; the rest of the day you have meetings and conferences and your boss does not like people to take many personal calls during the day. She can also call you at home between 7 and 8. (Obviously you can set whatever times you like.) And she may call her sister between 2 and 4. That's it. All the rest of the day you both will only accept emergency calls from the AL staff. Alternately, you can schedule times when each of you will call her. Accept no calls from her. This maybe sounds tough, but your mental health is just as valuable as hers. Take care of it!
I hope you are not actually delivering her meals three times a day!
Love this poor woman. Reassure her that she is safe. If possible get some medical evaluation and possible treatment of symptoms. Advocate for her. Determine if some other setting would be more appropriate for her. But set boundaries to protect your mother and your own mental health.
Best of luck with these difficult tasks.
2 weeks is not long enough, she's home sick for her past.
I hope it helps, it works wonder at my AL community.