Those who chose not to care for their aging parents, do you feel judged?

Telling you right now, someone that has resentment from the past for there parents should never caregiver there parents.

It's so hard makes your past so much worse. Your always looking for signs that they are sorry for what the did, signs they change.

Well I'm someone that didn't listen to my gut. Did what everyone expected of me, and what others said. " It's your mother" and it's so darn hard!!

So what I'm trying to say is you absolutely did the right thing.

You did nothing wrong .
If anything , you did it right , you did it right by setting boundaries and limiting the time you spent with your mother .

Those others had no right to expect you to do more .

As you said , your mother’s end of life has brought up issues regarding your upbringing . I recommend speaking to a therapist .

Again, you did it right rather than allowing yourself to be sucked into a situation you should not have been forced to do , nor were you comfortable with. Like you said others did not understand because their experience was different .

And yes , many of us with abusive parents like you did not set good enough boundaries like you did due to the pressure and being judged by others and sufferered for it .

Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal , including feeling relieved .

You’ve got this.

I didn’t have anything like your experience. One of the first and most valuable things I learned on this forum, was how many people had painful and difficult childhood experiences that followed them long into adulthood. My childhood wasn’t perfect but I was blessed to always be cared for and loved. You made the right choices for you. Caregiving is already impossibly hard, doing it for someone you don’t have a strong, loving relationship with, well, I just cannot imagine how hard. I’m sorry you, and so many others, didn’t have the mother you needed and deserved, and wish you all peace

I told my parents right off the bat I'd not do any hands on caregiving for them or move them in with me. When my mother suggested it, "jokingly", I cleared up that misconception immediately.

To everyone else, my mother was sweetness and light. To the immediate family who knew her, she was mean, nasty and two faced. Which makes things much harder for US, because the act these women put on portray them only in a positive light. So obviously, we are the Bad Guys for not wanting much to do with them. Shrewd, isn't it?

A few times in Assisted Living moms mask fell off and the real her was on display for all to see. The caregiver was in tears and the nurse was white in the face with shock. Yeah huh? Welcome to MY WORLD folks!

I did a lot for my mother, but it wasn't hands on caregiving but managing her life instead. I ordered snacks for her, brought her clothes and necessities, arranged a pizza party with the grandkids, things like that.

When she passed at 95, I felt relief. That she was finally at peace after a life of misery, and I was off the hook for doing more for her. By that time, I was almost 65 and ready to stop all the jumping thru hoops I'd done as an only child my whole life. I'd never felt like I had much of a mother to begin with, right wrong or indifferent, and I'd grieved that loss long before she actually died.

You're not alone. Until the others who judged us walked in our shoes, they had no idea whatsoever of what our mothers were really like.

Even if you had a great childhood and a happy family, not everyone is cut out to be a hands-on caregiver, especially for their elderly parents. And there is NO SHAME in that.

Just as everyone isn't cut out to be a parent. Not every woman gets googly-eyed looking at infants. I myself would have been quite content if my husband had not wanted to have children. I love my two kids, and am so glad I had them, but the prospect of motherhood, at least to me, was "meh". I feel the same way about grandkids - I know there are people out there who just can't wait to have them. If my kids choose to have children, I'm sure I will love them, but I certainly won't feel any lack in my life if they choose to remain childless. Or feel as though my kids have somehow failed me by not supplying me with grands.

The point is, no one should feel compelled to or be forced to give care to another human being if it's just not in their wheelhouse to do so. Especially since there are other options at hand - maybe not perfect options, but options nonetheless.

I was abused by both of my parents as a child and I knew that I would NEVER, as in NEVER take on any care of them as they aged.
Thankfully I lived many states away by that point, but even if I'd been in the same state/city, I would not have done anything.
And while I had forgiven my parents many years ago, I have no regrets and I like you honestly felt nothing when they both died. It was almost like they were people that I had known long ago and were now strangers which in reality they were.
And I had always said that if I were to cry when they died it would be for the parents that I never had and should have. But in my case, no tears were shed for either, ever.
It sounds cold to write that, but when there is abuse involved, we as survivors of that abuse must do what we need to to protect our mental health, and do what is best for ourselves.
Thankfully I've never been one who cares what other people think about me and what I should or shouldn't be doing, so that was never an issue that I had to deal with, and I really like the person that I have grown to be despite years of abuse.
God turns ALL things into good for those who love Him, and love Him I do.
I pray for only good things for you as well.

Hi Anonymous - I just wanted to say that I think yours is such an important post - and I also thank those who have responded and shared their input and experiences ...because I really found strength in reading this.

Sending much love ~

I had dinner with my two sisters and my then new partner, Tony, very shortly after my father died in the UK, 12,000 miles away. My sisters and I agreed that we found it difficult to accept that all the hassles were over – there was no bombshell letter in the post. Tony, who loved his father dearly, was absolutely gob-smacked. It probably help me to let him know so soon that my own family dynamics were very different from his.

I take care of my mom, a few days a week, then I read others doing it 24/7 and sometimes feel like you do, like something is wrong with me because I could never take care of my mom 24/7.

I think no matter how little you do or how much you do, we all have that feeling inside of us. That's why we are here to keep grounded

I am living a lot of this now with my mother, 76. We had been estranged for 10 years, mutually, and then she showed up. I have lots of post on here about her. I won’t get into all of it. I didn’t want to take care of her, I’m the only family member here and there is literally no one else. But she had to come find me to get me Involved. Anyway, she is running out of options for pain relief for her deteriorating spine. We had talked about getting her in a palliative care program for better pain control. Her PCP says that is not an option, that he’d have to actually put her in hospice to do that. And once on hospice, she could not live alone. She lives in a somewhat hoarded house that I will never ever ever stay in. so she brought up the idea of going on hospice, and I flat out told her I will not provide that level of support to her at her house. Or mine. That I can care for her as she is now at her house, but that is all I am able to do. She is a raging, narcissist, and tends to feel like everyone is against her or singling her out. So I’ve made it a point to tell her more than once that I also did not hands-on care for my own father when he required hospice. I knew I could not do that by myself. My father and I had a wonderful relationship, but I was not equipped to do that solo even with him in my comfortable and safe childhood home. I’m certainly not doing it with my crazy mother in her nightmare hoarded home. I will stand my ground on that one. I had to bend to a lot of things and got roped into this further than I wanted to, but I will never be the 24 hour permanent care for my mother. We had a terrible childhood for the parts where we lived with her, were exposed to a lot of very bad things and bad people. And I don’t even hard-core hold that against her. She did some really bad things in my adult hood, like taking a sex offender on as a partner, and continuing to defend him after he exposed himself to my grandmother. that’s when my brother left her. But she’s just got obnoxious negative personality, she’s physically gross with her hygiene, etc. These are the reasons I will not be around her 24 seven. I have slipped back into contact when necessary. We had a recent hurricane and she was at my house for nine days and that was a nightmare. But it showed both of us that us living together will never be an option. When my mother passes imagine I will feel relief. Relief that I am not part of the chaos and circus that she brings. And she’s just a very sad person. Her vibe is very weird and sad, and now there is physical pain on top of it. So all of that ends at her passing.

I had a good mom. My Dad was a good Dad but had some problems I think stemmed from his Dad and maybe a slight mental problem. He pushed buttons and could step over the line being cruel. Did not instill confidence in his kids. That could be not graduating high school. I loved him, but I told my brothers I will not care for him. TG he went before Mom. I cared for her for 20 months till I could place her. She was easy, it was me. I like order to things. Rules. I can work around personalities if the people are consistant. But Dementia is too unpredictable. You never know what is going to happen. I was lucky Mom adjusted to care.

You should never care for anyone who abused you.

You Might want to go to a grief counselor and process this experience Of Not Having a Mother . My Mother started out good and then took up with another man and forgot she had children . He dumped her 20 years Later and My Father took care of her . 2 of My Brothers became schizophrenic and I really feel it was due to the Lack Of parenting . My Mother was very selfish and her children did Not matter to her when we most needed her . My son Had a relationship with her and I Never said a bad word about Her. When she did get Ill I saw her as a flawed human Being . I Loved her . I took care of her the Last 9 Months of her Life and really we Had a awkward relationship But I did my Part . And took care of My dying brother at the same time who Passed 10 Months after her . I Do think the dysfunction In the Family Of not communicating Caused me a Lot of chaos in Life . It Takes time to heal from any death . Sometimes Years and that can be grief Over Not having a Parent who Loved you . I did feel relief when she Passed because her life hadn't been a easy One .

Anonymous, I’m not a great fan of therapy, because it’s expensive and sometimes counter-productive. I've become interested in a therapist's current life experience, rather than what they got taught aged 20 in a social work degree. An alternative to therapy which is free, is to let it all hang out on this site. Even if you don’t get any useful input, it’s easy and private to blurt, and it might get you past the point where you “feel embarrassed and ashamed” about it. I could hope that my dreadful father is sitting down in hell reading some of my own posts about him!

Mom moms still here , but I have often felt like I didn't fit in my family.

I've even wondered if I was switched at birth, 😆

A pretty mutual decision ten years before caregiving, I didn't see much of my family.

I was mentally unwell, left my family, got mentally well, began caregiving mom, became mentally unwell again.

So the commonality is my family.

I've been really getting clarity on things just being here

If you believe in Jesus Christ 🙏 Prayer will help you to forgive yourself for developing guilt feelings and judging your self. Only you can heal from what you are experiencing. If you can change the situation, do so, if not, mentally tormenting yourself will not help.

When I was brought up there was not a lot of love in my family. I was adopted. I moved out at 18 and put myself through college. So I did really care for my parents they did not earn my love. I did not see them as they neared the end of their life. And I did not go to their funeral. All I have to say is you get what you give.

I was “appointed” my moms caregiver by my two siblings because I did not own my own home & was not married at the time. I took an early retirement from a well paying airline job to take on the roll.
My siblings cheered me on with promises of help “anytime” - “just let them know”.
That honeymoon lasted less than three months …
I was told to “expect these kind of things”, it’s an “ages & stages” issue, she’s mentally a toddler & my fave “you just gott PLAN for it” …

I finally quit after six years …

Mom was visiting my sister in California …

Now I sleep thru the night ….

The anxiety & depression have subsided …

My sister is trying to guilt me into changing my mind …
MY MENTAL HEALTH MEANS MORE!

The message to you is to always do right by YOU —- YOU ARE VALUED!!
We are all products of our environment - and you did what’s best for you!!

Stay STRONG :)

People who are judgmental of your choice or your care haven’t been through it. My siblings and I did care for our mom, we chose to but after that experience I can totally understand anyone’s choice not to, whatever their reason. You certainly don’t need to justify anything your reasons are your own and it doesn’t matter wether you had an abusive childhood or simply know you aren’t cut out for caregiving, your choice is your own and you are entitled to it.

You're definitely not alone. In my case, it's not abuse or anything like that, but my dad and I had a long stretch where we weren't in touch. This wasn't anyone's fault, just a combination of mental health issues and losing touch during times when things got bad for him. We reconnected during college, but honestly the relationship is not so much parental for me, but rather someone I feel bad for. His life hasn't turned out the way he wanted, for reasons that aren't his fault, and he doesn't have anyone else to help him now except me.

I take a fairly hands-off approach to helping, managing his care long-distance (he's in a group home, I deal with his financial matters and sometimes go up for his doc visits and to visit) because that's who _I_ want to be, rather than because I HAVE to. I've accepted that that is all I can offer without destroying my own mental and financial health. I don't have someone to support me if I stop working to full-time caregive. And I don't make enough to support paying for full-time at-home caregivers without leaving myself financially vulnerable in retirement. Certainly it's better for him than if he'd not had kids and had had to
manage without me. It doesn't feel great...but I don't think anything
else would feel better. And I have to draw these lines or I'm burning myself to keep someone else warm.

Luckily, the only one judging me is me. No one else, frankly, has stepped up to help Dad, so they don't get to judge how I do it. If that's the case with you, maybe that's worth thinking about: the people who judge are sometimes the people who feel guilty because THEY didn't step up to do something. It says more about them than it does about you. As you said, they don't understand the situation, and frankly it's not on you to make them understand or to beg for their forgiveness. You've done your best, and that's it. Case closed, move on. If they can't let go of it...then that honestly smacks more of guilt on their part than anything else.

Anyonymous1

I completely understand your feeling the way that you do and I hope this will help. I was not abused as a child really, but my dad was a strong disciplinarian. My mom was a weaker personality and she just followed my dad's actions. I had a childhood that I would describe as stressful.

Skip to the final 5 years of my mom's life. She and my dad lived across the country from me. My dad was always a drinker but his drinking really escalated. Then he lost his eyesight due to macular degeneration and not following his doctor's advice. My mom was very angry but constantly voiced that she had no control. For 4 years as my mom slowly sunk into dementia, they would argue and scream at each other. My mom would then call both my sister and I and engage in long calls about her inability to control my dad's drinking and how she was going to divorce him. After the first 3 years of this, my sister and I knew that she was not going to leave, she was just going to continue to call, cry, and scream about the situation. It did not matter what you suggested or how hard you tried to help. She was stuck and she was not going to do anything positive to alter the situation.

Finally when it was really clear that she could no longer control the living situation with my dad, now blind and drinking everyday and all day, my dad fell. It was the second or third time that he was hospitalized and the nurses knew my mom was incapable of caring for him. I happened to be in their state (NY) because I had traveled there to take my mom to the neurologist to have her tested for dementia. I told the hospital staff that my mom was incapable of caring for my dad and he needed rehab. He was sent to a nursing home. We told my mom her option, because she would not agree to live without my dad by her side, was to sign herself into the nursing home with him because she could not live alone - she had dementia with all the side effects (paranoia, visions, and a lot of anger). She signed herself into the same NH as my dad so they were together. She was a lot of work but the NH was great and worked with us to keep them on the same ward.

I did not cause their situation. I tried everything under the sun to get them help. I pleaded with them to move to assisted living (they had more than enough money to live at the best senior facility in the US), but no place was nice enough for my mom. I called and found in home help and my mom slapped the caregiver and was extremely difficult to work for. In the end, she ended up in a nice nursing home but she was never happy.

She passed away two months ago and I am relieved. Was she a horrible person, no she was not. Did she try to help herself find a better situation when she knew that she needed help, no she did not. Did she expect my sister and I to drop everything in our lives (we both live far away and have homes, kids, and our own issues), yes she did. Did she help us find a solution, no she stood in the way of getting them help and keeping them safe. Am I angry at her, YES I am.

She has passed and I am truly glad that she is no longer in pain. I have her ashes and I will spread them on top of a mountain near me that over looks San Francisco. Will I do this to my kids - NO I will not. Did she forever alter my perspective of her, yes unfortunately she did. But she is gone now and I too have a hard time remembering a feeling of love for her. I am still doing pretty much everything for them. I do all of their finances (which is a lot). I call my dad weekly and talk with him. My sister and I gave up years of our lives to make sure our parents received the care they needed. It's what you do and I should not feel guilty, but I do. Maybe that is why I am so angry.

As someone else said, whatever your situation growing up, if you are not the “caregiver” type, you shouldn’t have to be. I get the guilt though. My parents moved in to an addition to live with us… that said, I refuse to do anything related to toileting or bathing. It give me the icks. Don’t want to. And that’s it. I also told my parents MANY years ago that I would never be as hands on with them as my mother was with her own (talking about grandmas diaper rash, washing, etc… blech). Well, my dad still expected it but now knows he better not asking me to clean poop. And there’s a lot of poop. Mom also refused to shower with caregiver for almost 3 weeks. They had to send in a different caregiver to try and were successful. Did I feel guilty that I didn’t step in and try? Yes. But the ick was stronger than the guilt. I do plenty of other stuff. All legal, financial, trips to docs, etc.
In addition to my own job, husband, 3 kids, and most importantly, caring for my own mental health which is in shambles since this all started. I’m in therapy. It’s more venting than anything else. My husbands mother also has dementia. He’s an only child. My sister is in Florida and NO help.
Bottom line, id rather go to therapy for my guilt than do something I REALLY don’t want to do.

I admire all of you who take upon yourselves to care for an aging parent; part time or full time 24/7/365 I could have never survived. The person who I refer to as 'sperm donor" came and went and I did not miss nor regret losing contact with him over 40 years ago. He passed away left inheritance which I did not accept. No regrets there. My father (step) but considered my father took care of my mom at home until her passing. 2 years later he was diagnosed with a frontal lobe meningioma and then all went downhill from there. He started having seizures, Alzheimer's dementia and multiple, multiple other medical issues. I truly loved him and respected him but taking care of him? never. I did place him on AL, visited him initially everyday then slowly cut down to once a week, and took him to all his medical appointments but living with my husband and I? No; I could have never done it. Sadly at times even spending 1hr with him was extremally taxing, I would get out of his AL drive home and go for a 3-4 mile run with my pup to relief the stress.
Hats off and applauses to everyone who tackles the task of taking care of their parents, I for sure would not have survived.

I have. I had a tough relationship with my mother and refused to care for her in her old age. Some of my relatives no longer talk to me because of this but they also don’t know the whole story of what I had gone through with this woman. I feel relieved that it isn’t just me and that there are others who refuse to care for their aging parents but with good reason.

"Wider Networks" are simply made to be ignored.
Who cares what they think. Thinking is free. But when they feel they can EXPRESS this negativity I would exit their premises at once. No one has a right to judge you.
You didn't cause your parents woes. You can't fix them. As to your input from others just tell them with a shrug and a smile "Gee, guess I am about as inadequate as a child as my parents were as parents! Go figure!". Laugh and walk away.

Eventually we grow up. It has then to be a choice whether to stay in abusive situations with abusive people or whether to go and make a great life in which we choose people who encourage us to be STRONG. Martyrs get such BAD TREATMENT! Read any book on the Saints and you will understand this. I particularly recommend A Tremor of Bliss by Paul Elie. It is SUCH a kick!

My parents divorced when I was 18 and married people who were much better suited to them. Growing up was very difficult with a mom with a volatile temper and alcoholism, and a father who was rigid (didn’t speak to my brother for three years because he wanted to make a living as a guitarist) and basically shrugged his shoulders in regard to our family. We all moved away —the closest sibling was over 500 miles away. Me—2000. We’ve been diagnosed with complex PTSD.

My mom had colon cancer the last 14 months of her life. I couldn’t afford to go see her and for whatever reasons my brothers didn’t go either. I am forever grateful that her stepfamily took care of her. Their relationship with her was completely different from ours and I’m sure they couldn’t figure out why we didn’t go see her. We were sad but it was evident that people who came to her funeral had a whole different experience of her. But I was relieved that I wasn’t going to be subjected to her unpredictable criticism over the phone. My dad died five days after entering the hospital at the age of 88. His wife took wonderful care of him. In past conversations my brothers had with her, she didn’t believe dad was the way they described him. When my father died neither my brothers nor I cried when he died. You can’t miss what you never had. I shudder to think about the prospect of caregiving either of them. Years of therapy taught me how toxic they were and I had to preserve my mental health.

I’m sure there are residents in nursing homes who have no visitors and people wonder why. We don’t know the story. Some are indeed forgotten or have no family. But others abused their children.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Others did not walk in your shoes. There have been very sad entries here from caregivers who took care of abusive parents. The abuse got worse and they were incredibly worn out, sad and angry.

I suffered my divorced mother's mental problems for over 40 years after I completed high school then lived with her since foster care without local family. My mother's mental problems and health conditions finally forced her into nursing homes in spite of her protests at age 93. My professional out -of-state family never judged me and always there for me..Thank God.

You love your parents but are not obligated to their caregiving. Use your judgment.

Yes. My mother has been a covert narcissist all her life. I’m still healing from the constant guilt manipulation. We moved across the country to help she and my dad, and really tried for two years, but when she had a stroke, we decided assisted living was best. Her dementia made it more and more difficult to manage her moods and outbursts. I imagine that I will not grieve as others do when she passes. We know what we went through and what our boundaries are. Others may not understand, but that’s ok

I would never judge anyone for what they do, don't do, did or didn't do.
I do not have the FULL story or history behind the relationship to make a sound judgement.

You can ignore the people that say "you should do this or that" or the ones that say "I would have done this or that"
A simple way to stop this is to say...
"Great I am glad you can help out, I will see you on Tuesday at 10, you can take care of Carol while I do some errands"

You owe no one an explanation so don't even bother.

This comment / self reflection is so powerful and critically important to so many. I believe it is a very common issues - and for the reasons you share.

My own experience or reaction:

GOOD FOR YOU.
While having such a painful childhood, and abusive at that, its a wonder you did anything. And you did. Give yourself credit for that.

I would strongly recommend you get into therapy to deal / heal your past. Even though your mother died, she is still very much inside you. That wounding / trauma doesn't 'just' go away on its own. It takes committed work - to process through it. Most people need a therapist to do that - not everyone. (I needed for decades and couldn't afford - I did a lot of very holistic work on my own (although I have a background in counseling/communications - on the path to becoming a psycho-therapist, which I didn't).

I just spent that last 4-5 hours in an Attachment (or not) workshop with Rick Hanson, Ph.D., neuro-psychologist. I would encourage you to consider joining his Wed night 6pm (PT) meditation / Dharma talk. I joined Rich's meditation evenings when I was in the earlier stages of grieving a loss and realized that I needed something. I thought of Rick and decided to commit to every Wed night, which I do. He gets close to 400 people in Zoom every week - from around the world. It is really something.

In terms of how others' respond. They are in the dark as they do not know the history / trauma - and you certainly have NO ... RESPONSIBILITY to discuss with them. Realize, this is THEIR stuff, not yours. I believe we 'let go' of others' judgments / feelling / whatever when we feel a sense of self-worth / self-esteem - and that takes inner work. As the saying goes:

WHAT YOU THINK OF ME IS YOUR BUSINESS.

Give yourself a lot of 'pats on the back' and credit for reaching out here.
This is not easy stuff emotionally or psychologically to deal with - it is hard.

On top of that, there is grief and relief - all mixed up. I would venture to guess that you grieve the loss of a mother you never had, 'too.' Perhaps like me with at father I feared. I would say he was emotionally abusive. Certainly, that relationship affected me / my relationships with men my entire life. My mother wasn't really there for me either although she had lots of her own emotional wounding. She was 'nice' if not over-protective.

Try writing affirmations - positive thoughts about yourself.
I used to do 10 a day when I had difficulty getting out of bed. I would give myself a point for taking a shower. This exercise helped me shift from thinking ALL THE TIME of what I was doing WRONG or not doing ... to being aware / observant to what I was doing 'right' or helpful / useful to myself to move forward. It was huge. Every little plus counts. Even being aware of taking a deep, mindful breath.

I recommend Brene Brown's book(s). I am still reading THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION. She is amazing. Funny, well-founded at a Ph.D. in social work / especially in the area of SHAME. She speaks from her own experience which is very helpful.

Continue to reach out to us. Let us know what you are doing. Here's a hug.

Gena / Touch Matters

My husband and I are the caregiver for my MIL. We live in a 55 and over community. We took over care when my SIL became ill. I had no clue how it would go and thought we would just take it one step at a time. The funny thing is my MIL, who could be very critical and judgmental herself, had changed. Her dementia causes confusion and she seemed so grateful to have people she knew helping her out that she was a joy. She never complains and because she is not processing mentally well at all, she really leans on us to make decisions. She has gone downhill a lot and I know if she gets to where she is not strong enough to stand with walker or to transfer from wheelchair to toilet, I will have to call in hospice as I cannot lift her. Here is the weird thing. My family and our friends here, all tell me I should put her in a nursing home. They don't see that I actually find joy in caring for my MIL. Because I have a caregiver personality, taught special education for years, I find I naturally go with the flow and things that might bother others is not a problem for me. Because I am home with her all the time, I have had more time for my hobbies, I take the time I get away to focus on strengthening my body, which is my goal as I age, and I am learning to enjoy life in the slow lane. We have put lots of beautiful plants on the patio, bird feeders, made a note of her favorite tv shows so we don't miss them, and even give her old junk mail when the mail comes so she does not feel left out. She loves mail. It was the highlight of her day when she lived independently. She can spend hours reading through the junk letter and if there is a return envelope she will fold up the letter and put it in the return envelope for us to put in mail box. We made her a photo album of family because she often wonders about them, though can barely remember anybody in immediate family. When she wonders about her growing up, mother, father, and siblings we get her to talking about walking to school with brothers, helping her father on the farm and so on. Because I worked so long with special needs kids I naturally see little things that can make a difference. The strangest thing is that so many people think I should live my own life and move her to nursing home. They think I am the mentally off one!! I just smile at them and tell them that it is a joy. My own parents are gone and I treat her as my own mother. I tell people that she is easy for me to care for because she is. I have learned when I can be gone to do other things. I have let go of some things to prioritize those that are really important to me. I hate shopping, social events, and running errands. My husband is glad to take over that and with tech, I never need leave the house unless it is something I value highly like exercise, lunch with sisters, time alone to write. This situation has forced me to put those things front and center and for that I am grateful. I have set up home health aids, and home health care because I cannot get her (lift) into car to go anywhere. We have had one hospital visit (UTI) so we used ambulance there and a hired driver to bring her back. I did stay with her in hospital. I have family who would cover for me anytime I need it, though it is rare and all things work together well. My life is different but I am loving it. "Mama" likes to see me when I clean the house, sew, knit, as it makes her feel like she is back home with her mother. I love to cook and now can take time to do that and in healthy ways for my own health. I'm not sure if I was not a caregiver if I would be able to force myself to focus so pointedly on my own health, my hobbies, and the things I truly enjoy. When friends tell me I am crazy to take this on, I just smile and say I am grateful and it is a joy. What more can I say. it works for me.