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What I find so incredibly sad is that there are so many of us on this forum who have put so much excruciating time and efforts into taking care of either one or both parents, who not only show zero appreciation...but who also lacked the ability of ever having been a good parent. They failed as parents by either being neglectful or unloving, abusive, etc - and then expect everything for their own selves now.
Growing up and even thru my adult years, I just assumed that a parent was naturally nurturing and protective ...and even when my parent's weren't, I was in denial of ever wanting to see them for who they were and are - and I unfortunately had to learn the hard way.
Horrible...
But in the end, she was never looking to have a partnership in this inevitable slow slide down. She was looking to rekindle the parent/child dynamic but with a twist of me being a maid.
I read what others here are going through and am reminded how lucky I am to have the resources to have made the break w/o losing the relationship.
All her other relatives/friends/contacts have simply broken contact.
I feel sorry for her but in the end, there's nothing I can do but take care of me
This forum has helped me immensely separating what she wants from what she needs.
I feel terrible for those of you who cannot get out of the adult child caregiver role from inside the same home.
I was hoping someone who hadn't thought of it yet would take my getting a trailer and placing it in the yard as good advice. She would be in ltc right now if I had to stay in there with her
She also interrupted my husband’s online meetings. He then kept his camera off so clients wouldn’t see her and he could quickly mute her.
I ended up standing guard to intercept her.
Your situation being the caregiver to your mother is working out right now because the care is being done on your terms, not hers.
You do not take all of her calls. She cannot get to your trailer on her own. So when you want space, you have it. She cannot berate and belittle you if you're not taking her calls or going over there. She cannot instigate and pick a fight with you if you're not giving her access to.
A situation like yours is the best possible scenario to be a caregiver. Close by that you can be there in under a minute, but far enough away that you don't have to tolerate any of her crap.
It's impossible when you're in the same house.
What happens if she weakens and cannot transfer from motorized chair to commode? Since she has refused to hire her pre-pandemic help, then what? You note that you "pretend that everything is fine." What's the next step when the pretense no longer works?
As an only child, I grew up believing children were not entitled to any boundaries. Questioning that led to explosive reactions. But she loved to talk about how respectful she was of the boundaries of others. And rage if someone violated hers.
I knew she was always difficult but nothing prepared me for her exaggerated behaviour from dementia. Nothing was ever enough, no matter how much I did.
Yes, I know I’ll never be good enough. I’ve finally made my peace with that.
My point (yeah, I’m wordy) is that there is no single nor simple solution.
IF one is going to try to do "in home" care I think this the best way to "attempt" it.
IF you are dealing with a person with narcissistic tendencies I think having no expectations that they will EVER praise you, every thank you, is best, if probably impossible in reality.
Thanks for posting here because doing it this way may help many others. I think this Forum is somewhat unique in elder care and solutions. I especially love the way you make it "not about checking up on her" but about needing the printer, and etc.
Again, thanks for posting a solution. We get so many more problems than solutions.