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Talking to the professionals was the only solution that worked for our situation.
They had ideas I never thought of and give you the support you need. Even though the alientation took place, it was not for long as they realized they were not comfortable being aliented my me. Hope this makes sense. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Doctors may avoid the dementia issue for many reasons. (I'm not a doctor. I've only read about this.)
+If they are not dementia specialists and haven't kept up with the research they may feel that nothing can be done, so why upset the patient with a diagnosis?
+Most dementia patients can and do pull off "showtime" in a doctor's office. If she hasn't raved about her daughter-in-law killing her own father in the doctor's presence, how is he or she to know?
+Perhaps the doctor is uncomfortable about delivering bad news, but this seems the least likely explanation to me.
What to do? This is just opinion, but I think I might start with having your husband (her son) contact the doctor with the signs the family has noticed, and request that a referral be given her to see a specialist. Unless MIL has given permission, the doctor won't be able to reply with any information about MIL, but he or she will be better informed in treating MIL and may perhaps give a referral.
If that doesn't produce results, I would suggest that a family member get her to see a specialist, but I'm not sure that is realistic. Are there any family members she still trusts?
Getting a diagnosis would be very helpful. For one thing, there are treatments that can help with some of the symptoms. For another, it gives family a better basis to plan for her continued care. If it is dementia, it will progress. Her husband's condition will progress. It would be best if everyone knew what they were dealing with.
If a diagnosis isn't forthcoming, I think you still need to deal with her as if she has a mental disorder that she cannot help, and that her irrational behavior is the disease acting, not your MIL.
Contact the Agency on Aging or Elder Services or even Social Services in your area, lay out the situation, and get their input. (As her son, this may be a job for your husband.)
My heart goes out to you. This is truly a frustrating and disheartening situation. Try not to take MIL's illness personally. Try to continue to respect, love, and be patient with her. You did not ask to be in this awful situation. Chances are very good that neither did she.