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There's nothing you can do to stop her from thinking that she may be going home. If she enjoys your outing in spite of that, then I'd say it's your problem more than it is hers.
Stop feeling guilty. I sometimes feel guilty for having mom at HOME with me. No social activity; no people watching; no Frank Sinatra impersonator; no magic shows; ha! Just same-old same-old day in and day out. She had more stimulation at the nursing home than she does here.
That's the life of a care giver. We're hardly ever guilt-free even when our brains tell us we've done the exact right thing.
At the same time, she would refuse to participate in ALF field trips & activities completely. It could only be possible if I was the one coming to get her. She passed up a thousand opportunities to get out & see the world, go places, and do things.
When I first got mom moved here and into her IL/ALF apartment, any typical outing would turn into a whole day, multi-meal event with inevitable conflict. Even a one hour doctor visit.
Even after prep phone calls in the morning, she usually wasn’t dressed, bathed, or ready to go anywhere, because she didn’t feel like doing it (her words). So I’d have to plan in time for that (at least an hour).
This usually coincided with us having to be somewhere on time for an appointment.
By the time we'd get to a store, got out of the car, spent 45 minutes in the nearest bathroom, tested all the scooters to find the right one, navigated through all the things she can't afford/doesn’t need anymore, another 45 minute bathroom visit, a snack, and a million questions, *I* was exhausted, frustrated, burned out, and ready to set myself on fire or chew off an arm to get out of the situation. These were not precious moments spent bonding.
When I laid down boundaries and time limits, she would buck and raise a big old stink about it. About holding her hostage and mistreating her by making her stay in a beautiful new apartment with 3 meals a day and onsite doctor, PT, & salon.
One trip started out going to a hardware store. On the way there, she wanted groceries too, so I decided to hit the super-Walmart (even though I despise Walmart) to get everything at one place.
This little change upset her so much she started ranting, raving, and tried to hit me in the head with her cane while we were going 75 mph down the highway. That was scary. I pulled over, took her cane away, and told her if she tries that again, I will have the police come and assault charges filed. She behaved better for a few hours. This was a sign that she could no longer deal with the change an outing entails.
We don’t do outings anymore. We tried. We tried hard. I couldn’t keep it up and my obligations were slipping. She’s declined to the point now where an outing isn’t possible, which is a blessing.
As an aside, the Depends and Tena companies have probably had lower earnings starting in second quarter 2014 because I am not taking mom out shopping anymore.
Every single trip had to include a stop at a store that carries incontinence products, despite the fact she had them delivered in bulk to her apartment.
When she moved into the NH, we had about a thousand dollars’ worth of incontinence supplies she had stockpiled/hoarded.
Sigh. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to these kinds of questions. Try it, carefully, and see the results.
Our mom is wheel-chair bound and needs a PAL to transfer. The only place we've taken her in a van was to her older sister's birthday party. But we push her around the nh neighborhood when weather permits, for a little change of scenery. Last week a sister brought her chow mein (which she loves and which the nh doesn't serve) and they ate together.
Visit. Find ways to give mom something to enjoy. Take her on outings if that works out. Stick close to the facility if you need to. Just do your best.
Feeling guilt? Unless you caused the infirmity that makes a nursing home the best option for her, I'd say save your energy for things that matter.
When dad was at rehab, I packed picnics and wheeled him around the grounds.
Played dominos, brought treats for him....just tried to make my visits fun.
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