By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Best,
Hap
But I know what you are going through - there was a while I thought I was going to go mad between work and my mother waking me up 4 or 5 times a night. In retrospect Ishould have taken a leave of absence from work but thought I could handle it all. It's not a good palce to be. Take care of yourself and do not think you are bad.
I am in the same boat as you...I don't know how much longer my husband and I can go on with this...it's been nearly 3 years living in her house with her! Nightmare. Our two daughters have even started giving us a piece of their minds and are being distant to us now. We learned a lesson that we should not tell our adult children everything that bothers us and we wont' anymore.
I am currently looking for a sitter to come in once a week so my husband and I can go somewhere together alone without mother. There is a treatment center here that you can bring your elderly parents to 5 days a week for 4 hours and once a month is a weekend where the elderly can spend the weekend...a break for the caregiver. Mother doesn't want to do any of this...she only thinks of her needs, not the needs of us.
I understand how awful it is. We finally last week went to our counselor at church...a professional Christian counselor for over 50 years now. We had to tell someone what we are going through. And, he suggested to start with sitters and then if that didn't work out, might need to look into other arrangements. We had to have our life, too.
When we moved her, left our jobs, family, church, friends, etc to care for our parents, we thought how wonderful it was going to be to help our parents. But, it went downhill from the beginning and now it is almost unbearable.
God bless you in this. Pray a lot. Take care.
Being an animal lover, let me start with the dog. YOUR dog's love is unconditional. She knows when you're in pain, so she comforts you (so much so I bet you she's tried to lick you clean). One look at her and all that stress on the EKG goes down a couple notches.
Your ex's DUI -- whether he was driving your son to the vet or not -- is HIS fault, not someone else's. In a nutshell, he better man up, pick up his B__S, and accept responsibility for his own self-destructive behaviors instead of laying a guilt trip on someone else for manipulation purposes. In the addiction field (I'm a counselor) they call that "dopefiending."
About your mother, you've done everything you can; even compromised your own health just to make sure she's well taken care of. If there aren't any other options, I suggest a nursing home and/or assisted living facility. It's nice your sister took Mom to the doctor, but you are burned out girl! Your Mom needs 24/7 specialized care that you can't provide although God knows you've tried to do what you can't do and it will still not be good enough.
You've been a wonderful daughter, make no mistake. There's no reason, then, for you to feel guilty or for anyone to make you feel guiltier than you already are. You've dug deep and tapped into that inner source of strength to keep you going, and now you're spent. The only thing anyone should say to you is THANK YOU and feel grateful for everything you've accomplished.
Good luck my friend, and heal quickly! We need more like you around.
-- ED
Is your mother on Medicaid or Medicare; what services might they pay for? Would her doctor help you place her into a hospice program?
(They are VERY helpful; contrary to what the uninitiated may think, they are NOT death-watch programs.)
Does your ex routinely turn to you or your son to bail him out?
Be on guard about people who try (or succeed in) manipulating you,
whether they be sister, mom, son, or ex. Also, examine your responses to stressful situations & people with an eye to avoiding operating with a victim mentality. Don't moan & pull your hair--please investigate what
community resources may be out there for you. Our local university offers
a sliding-scale program of counseling for any problem.
We did 24-hr. homecare for my mom for several months after she broke her hip and fell. All that round the clock care was slowly killing us but we had to give it our best shot. We thought she wd return to normal after surgery and PT but that did not happen. I never knew how a fall cd so abruptly change one's life, never understood those TV ads. I do now. Take care of your bones, folks, they are your lifeline to freedom and mobility as we age.
I know how trying these times are for you. Do reach out to friends, family, homecare and visiting nurses to help you. Especially if you have a child who needs and depends on you. It's been hard for me to balance my time between Mom, my kids, and my grandkids, not to mention my spouse, his kids and grandkids, and then me. I just lost my Dad to Alzheimers last year so the grandkids have been the joy in my life that offsets this sadness. Ah, the cycle of life...
When my husband was in the hospital for 4 months, I found myself almost angry when everybody kept telling me to get away and take a break. I realize now they were only telling me that out of love.
So, even though I don't know you, I can tell you out of love and respect from one caregiver to another, that we can't be any good to our loved ones if we aren't good to ourselves. We've got to find some outlets for destressing.
A terrible person would never have stepped up to help your mother in the first place. You are a hero!
Whatever happens -- You can only do so much. My mother was supposed to spend her time face down after surgerey to reattach her retina. We got a special bed so she could do just that. She spent most of her time doing anything but staying face down. As a result she lost the sight in that eye. I would get so angry, because she acted as if she wanted to be blind. She was like a small child who simply won't do what they are supposed to do.
Mentally she was clear. She knew what she was doing and, for whatever reason no one could convince her she was doing herself harm. After the first few days, when I relized she was making a concious choice, I stopped punishing myself for "allowing" it to happen. Her immediate comfort was more important to her, than getting the sight back in her eye.
(I also have to add that the restrictions required to make some treatments successful, tell me that they need to find other ways to treat such problems. Most human beings would find it difficult to be 100% compliant. I can't imagine the surgeon who treated mom being able to do what he was asking of her!)
It is a horrible strain to see your loved one going downhill and knowing that there is little you can do to stop it. It's even worse to watch them stop trying.
We burried my mom two weeks ago. As I look back, I can't even remember when I started becoming her caretaker, not just her daughter.I am very much at peace knowing I did what I could to take care of her. There were many times when I wanted to just run away. There were a few times when I left for a week or so and let my sister take care of her, by herself. It did me a lot of good to recharge. It was actually very rewarding to come home and start in, doing most of it again, when mom would tell me she missed 'my touch."
If you can, (I know it's difficult) think about what you need to know when your mother is gone. If you have already passed your expexctations for yourself, it is time to let go a little and make other arrangements for her care. You will find the peace you have earned.
So sorry that you just lost your Mom, I know it must be hard and thanks for taking the time to write to me. Sounds like your Mom may have had what mine does -- Macular Dygeneration ( I don't think I spelled that correctly).
That is why it is so frustrating with Mom, she may not be sharp as a tack but she is mentally clear. Why would you not at least try to do what the Dr. says if it would save your sight? She crys and says she is scared to go blind in one eye. Then why can't you just TRY to do what the Dr says.
This whole domino effect started years ago.....she needed surgery and refused and refused and refused. I can't figure out why, she wasn't scared of surgery itself. Maybe if she had the first surgery when she was suppose to she would have recovered from that and she would not have had anything to complain about.
So so many of her problems are b/c of not seeing docs when she should have and ignoring things she needed to help keep herself safe. Using a walker when she gets up at night to go to the bathroom since she is a little wobbly would have probably prevented the broken hip.
Now when she calls, unless you want to say poor Mom she suddenly has to hang up.
I feel bad for my Dad, he has to hear it 24/7. Sorry, I am usually a very caring person but I have suddenly lost my compassion for her. I guess that is why I feel like such a terrible person.
My Mom has been one of my best friends, she used to call every night to check in and say goodnight. She doesn't call very often at night anymore.
I don't know what I will do when she doesn't call at all. I need to look back and know I did everything I could to help my parents.
I do not know what state you live in but if you live in the Chicago area I would help you.
22 years. He is legally blind from a heriditary eye disease. Mom has suffered with alzheimer's now for almost ten years and he kept her and took care of her until last year when he was so stressed out he couldn't do it anymore and he finally put her in a nursing home. He is there every day and I am there most evenings. It's hard taking care of her even in a nursing home. Both of us have a hard time lifting her to put her on the commode (at the nursing home) and sitting her back in her wheel chair and dressing and putting her to bed. The nursing home is always short handed and new aides are hired and only last a couple of months and then a new group is hired. They have such a big turnover. Hope you are feeling better now.
I think you are being much too hard on yourself too and expecting too much of yourself. Even the Lord went away to rest sometimes. I don't know if that comment is appropriate on this site. I didn't mean to offend.
But I am concerned about you. Do take care of you... so you can gain your
strength back. Bless you, Dear Lady :-)
Thanks much. What a sad world it would be if we couldn't say the Lord if we wanted to, that is very approprate for me!
God Bless you