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It is very common for one spouse to leave the whole estate to the other spouse, even a step-parent, especially if they had been married for many years.
As for your Dad making out a updated Will, again, which is very common because State laws do change. If this Will was drawn through an Attorney's office, then it was up to the Attorney to decide if your Dad was able to understand what he was signing. Apparently he was.
Also it is not uncommon for the sons to receive items from the estate, it an old stereotype that the sons have families to take care of, where the daughters have or will have husbands to take care of them. It's an old fashion way of thinking.
That is why it is better to think one will not inherit anything, and then be surprised if you do.
My dad is going to leave everything to my step mom. He had significantly more in assets than she did when they married 14 years ago, but she is his WIFE. We expect them to leave everything to each other. It does not mean that my dad or my stepmom have bad relationships with their kids. It is just the fact that the marital partner is the primary sharer of the assets.
Then the last one to go (assuming anything is left from MERP) will be split between my dad's three kids and my stepmom's three kids. This makes sense to me - spouse first, children second for leaving the assets.
How is your stepmom going to leave things?
The next clause in my mom and stepdad's will was that, upon the remaining spouse's death, all surviving adult children -- stepdad's kids and I -- split the assets equally.
Is it fair? Yes and no. My mom came into that marriage with nothing; all of the assets were my stepdad's. And I'm nauseatingly familiar with the assumptions that go along with that.
My mom was so chagrined by the disparity, that she spent as little as possible after she was widowed. Would not make any changes to investment funds. No withdrawals aside from her annual RMD. Would not sell the investment properties that stepdad touted as his "legacy" for decades before my mom entered his life. Would not make upgrades or repairs to her primary home.
As a widow, my mom began every month by making a hefty contribution to my stepfamily's church, paying utilities and buying groceries. Then she sat on her hands til the next SS check came.
Mom's dead now, too. We "kids" are slogging our way through probate. It's slow. Nobody's fault. Just how it is.
Mom was fixated on preserving her hubby's kids' inheritance. Therefore, refused to invest in her own ailing health. No doctors, no PT, no assistive devices. Refused to install grab bars...or a stair lift...or main-level laundry. Refused to pay for in-home help with housekeeping and ADLs. Refused to consider a CCRC or IL or AL. Refused to assign POA to anyone in her bloodline.
Mom knew all about the high cost of professional care and private pay. She also knew all about the Medicaid look-back period and estate recovery.
So Mom's response was turbo-level self-neglect. Her big quest to "not spend their inheritance" (and dementia creeping in) jeopardized her safety and shortened her life. I'll spare you the details, but mom's death was somewhat undignified. And definitely linked to her decisions and non-decisions.
But now no one can accuse her of being a gold-digger. No one can say "she spent all his money and his kids got nothing." That was a huge priority for Mom.
Are you wondering where my peace of mind and my sanity fit into all this? So am I.
People have a right to leave whatever they'd like to whomever they'd like. It causes problems in families when inheritances are "expected" ( and I personally don't think that anyone should ever EXPECT an inheritance!) My mother is so flighty, she has "promised away" the same piece of furniture to 3 different people. All 3 want it, too, so that's going to be something, when the time comes.
My sweet grandmother made a "holistic will" in that she gave certain items to certain people, asked that the sale of her modest home be split among her 3 children and asked the remaining family, in honor of her, NOT TO FIGHT over anything.
I got a cake pan from her house that reminds me of her. Best of all, I was NAMED for her.
The distribution of money after a death seems to bring the worst out in people. It's sad. Can you just let your step mom have it all and be OK with it?
Dementia may not prevent that.
Maybe your dad felt that his wife was more needy than you and that he had raised you to be competent to take care of yourself. That's not an insult.
You said he left "personal items" to your brother. If he left "guy things" like a shaving kit or tools or cuff links or sports equipment, maybe he thought your brother would find them useful or more meaningful
than you girls would. If they are family heirlooms, maybe he wanted them passed down with the family name. And, since he was doing that, perhaps he thought your brother should serve as executor, saving you the trouble.
If there is something you want to remind you of your dad, perhaps you might offer to buy it from your step-mom.
Never mind those who tell you what your dad should have done and how "blood is ... blah blah blah." He probably did what he wanted for his own reasons.
Unless you think he was threatened or coerced, leave it be. And if you thought he was being threatened or coerced, where were you then with your concern?
You are in a time of mourning your loss. Sometimes we let our minds wander to dark places. Look at the good that came from your dad's life and celebrate that.
I would strongly suggest calling your state bar association and tell them exactly what you told us here. Keep calling the bar association if you don't get a satisfactory lawyer. If you can show proof of being family, that will help your lawyer. Any proof you can present will help your case but it needs to be documentary proof
In answer to your question, you may want to consider that in some families there was considerable abuse and the children in some of these cases were not allowed to be in the picture. Why would they want to be in the picture if they weren't wanted but instead abused? Why put yourself in a situation of being abused all over again? Some families are dysfunctional and in the cases of very severe childhood abuse, there are certain laws protecting kids and some of those laws require compensation to those victims.
Not all families or a happily ever after, many of them are not, and it's not the children's fault if they are not allowed to be in the picture. Children never ask to be born and they have no choice of who their parents are. It's the choice of the parents whether or not to keep the children and whether or not they will take care of them or whether or not they will abuse them. Sadly, in such cases as my own family, I was not allowed to be in the picture and my sister was killed. My only bio sister lost her life to the same abuse I nearly died of an the same abuse my half-sister nearly died of. And these types of cases there are certain laws protecting abuse survivors. If you're from an abused background, there are some cases where you're not allowed to be in the picture where as other cases you cannot be in the picture nor are you allowed. In such a case as mine, I happened to be the only blood relative left and my dad was widowed and never remarried. There's a very high chance that in my specifically unique case I can potentially end up getting something due to very unique circumstances.
Not all families are healthy, many of them are not especially with child abuse being on the rise. From what I know right now, I'm all for those who wish there was forced sterilization in cases where it would be absolutely necessary
It removes a lot of the emotion from the drama of providing for one's spouse. Has it occurred to anyone that the woman may have stood to inherit or had some assets of her own that she did not wish to share through marriage? Me, I wanted to marry for religious reasons, but I strongly dislike the "community property" drama and issues filing tax returns. I wish I had stayed single. My husband's kids have that "gold digger" label at the ready I am sure.
I wonder what they say now, after spending the last 5 years caring for my MIL, 4 of which required me to pay for all my own bills and expenses, and sometimes contribute to HERS. I was the work horse in the background, providing healthcare benefits FOR THEIR DAD. I am here supporting HIM in his goals and his grief. I put my dreams and goals on hold for their sake.
If his kids knew, they might discover that my financial plan and provision for my husband, who is 12 years older than me, is much better than his provision for me. They would also be shocked to learn that I make quite a bit more money that he does.
So who is the gold digger here? Be careful...because there may be some things you don't know about step-mom's finances. She might have her own pile of cash that you don't know about. Such is the secrets within many marriages.
If it was stolen, restitution should be made with interest, especially if that money was stolen from an elder and rightful heirs. It's always best to try and find out as much as you can about the other person and any assets they may have. Always run background checks on anyone who comes into your life if you're in the position to run those background checks especially before marriage. Before entering a marriage it's also good to get with a lawyer and set up a prenup agreement any other form of protection in case something happens to that marriage. You don't want to be left high and dry, court ordered to drain your own pile of cash or other assets. This is why you should protect yourself before marriage and set up any wills or other arrangements. Setting everything up will take the stress off of everyone else around you
In most marriage rites they promise to care for one another for life.
The parents responsibility to their childen is to provide for their needs until they are 18. This now estimated to cost about $200,000 per child, and today that probably does not include college that could be another $200,000.
So somewhere along the line your parents spent a lot of money on you and your siblings.
So that's where your father showed his care and love for you.
Do you think he should have given you every dollar he had?
And what would that have to do with love?
Do the loving thing, honor his relationship and promises he made to his wife.
Your grief will not be burdened with anger, and you will be able to move on with loving memories of you father.
If anything, for peace of mind, maybe check to see if the attorney who drafted the updated will was aware of your dad's diagnosis and verify there is something in writing that your dad had a bonified diagnosis & perhaps testing to demonstrate his baseline/progression. Even with that, it's probably a long shot. I don't know if the attorney would/could nullify the will upon learning there was non-disclosure of the diagnosis?
Divorce and remarriage may have become commonplace in our society, but it seems the stereotypical hatred and dysfunction amongst step families hasn't abated at all.