How do I deal with the spouse of someone who has Alzheimer's and does not take the AZ person out of the house with exception of the back porch?

Cherokee40,Makes me heartsick to see what you are going through. My motherinlaw had dementia/Alzheimer' she passe away on July 20,2012. She had remarried in 1994 as my fatherinlaw passed away in 1987. Well they seemed to have a good marriage and we as her family never questioned anything...we trusted him! Well after we started to see she was getting more and more forgetful we questioned her husband and he said she was. He never told us that she had been diagbost with D/A untill 2007. We would suggest that they a power of attorney and a will drawn up. He had 1 daughter and Mom had 3 children. (Mom had money) Anyways he would get upset with us talking to them about this so we stopped bringing it up. Well as timed passed he to stopped taking her places , he took down her family pics and he would tell her her family didn,t care about her...That was so not true. he would never let her alone with us and he stopped bringing her to visit us. It just kept getting worse. He did finnaly get a POA and a will made up. The POA he put His daughter on and also his daughter is on as the executrix of the will. Now this did not happen until 2010 she in no way understood at that point what she was signing. Then in 2011 this step (who is in her 50's) had her name put on the deed of the house for $1. So both her daddy and my mother in law have passed away so is now owner of the home. Oh and she forged my M- I- L name. Her daddy helped with all of this. His excuse was we didn't care for her. A big lie! It is undue infuence! We are taking her to court which this daughter never thought we would do because we are peace makers. Someone has to be their voice..it is a fight the whole way but something we feel we must do because it is not what mom would have wanted. Also (there is so much more) because this daddy died first it put his daughter in charge of our mother..she had fell and broke her hip and she denied her surgery to have it fixed from there she declined fast because she had to lay on her back they said for the rest of her life ..and she did. From March until July when she passed.. We were not aloud to question anything because of the hippa laws and our names were not on the file for info. It has been an awful road to tow but we must push on for Mom and what we believe she wanted. She had told me when her mind was good that she did not trust his daughter...now we know why. I could go on and on but at least you get the drift of what we have been going through! I sure hope you keep pushing on if things are not resolved by now!! Blessings to you.

Oh dear God...this is horrible. We will all keep you and your sister in our prayers. You have been so worried about her and now this.

Cherokee40. I'm sorry this has happened to your sister. I'll keep you both in my prayers. Cattails

I am so sorry to learn of your sister's condition.

Update: My sister fell supposedly and hit her head on the coffee table. She had a craniotomy done which meant cutting a 2 inch by 3 inch section of her skull to stop the artery from bleeding. Yes the blow ruptured an artery in her brain. She is on a ventilator and will get a tracheotomy done today and will still be on a ventilator. she is not responding. She has been in the hospital in Neuro ICU since Thursday May 10th. When she is stable enough on the trach she will go directly to a critical rehab facility. She will not be sent to a room at the hospital. She is too unstable for that. She has opened her eyes only once and that was when the doctor did something that caused her to open her eyes only briefly and focused on her husband. Otherwise, she is sleeping and non responsive.

3. Yesterday my brother in law called.
4. He said my sister had just seen all three of her doctors. Again he will not give the names.
5. He said she has gained some weight back which is helping with her strength.
6. I asked about her lab work. He also said she has never had a cholesterol problem and her labs on those are good and always have been. Should I believe him when she is on a cholesterol medicine? a statin at that...
7. He said he promised to keep us up to date which this is his first attempt at doing so. He promised he would call again with updates.
8. Then my sister got on the phone and held a very lucid conversation. My husband heard the conversation and he was sitting over a foot away. We were eating lunch.
9. The issue with how I got placed in a psych ward is the truth. I was reading the book about allergies. He told the paramedics I thought our house was killing me. Get real....the book is about things in your house that you may be allergic too. The name of the book is My House Is Killing Me!: The Home Guide for Families with Allergies and Asthma by Jeffrey C. May. Check it out for yourself on the internet.
10. Some things I have an anaphylactic reaction to. Fact not fiction. I carry two Epipens as a result. He witnessed the allergy testings (plural). He knew I was allergic to the cat. He refused to give it back to the daughter it belonged to but eventually made her take it back. Now she hates me even more. Sorry... First for changing her mother's house and then the cat issue. He turned to me and said, "Look at you, you're allergic to yourself." He said that with a very ugly and mean face and repeated it over and over while hunched over and pointing his finger at me. Would that not frighten you?
11. Therefore I know the doctors will believe the husband over an anxious wife any day. My primary care physician released me and stated I did NOT belong there. I then drove to my son's. My husband and I went through counseling through our church. He had some major issues where his daughters were concerned.
12. My husband was being manipulated by his daughters. They still try to manipulate but he no longer lets that happen. We live away from all of them now.
13. My sister went into that behavioral unit with bruises on her breasts and on her back. I saw the bruises. Her hands have no signs of being injured but her wrists do. Her forehead looks like it has been hit with a stiff hairbrush. She gets injured only while in the care of her husband, never in the care of her care provider who is NOT trained. My sister may have AZ however there has been signs of abuse and mind manipulation going on because evidence points to it.

I think that you should sort things out with a therapist. You keep repeating yourself and going off on tangents that don't make any sense.

Cherokee40, you do not have to convince us. Really. You are preaching to the choir. We would like to see your sister have a better quality of life. But there is nothing any of us can do about it. We've encouraged you to contact outside agencies. If that isn't working for you, see a lawyer. Perhaps you can at least get an order to see your sister more often.

Once again I urge you in talking to agencies or a lawyer to stick to the important concerns. Perhaps a lawyer can help you sort that out. Also be clear about what you want to have happen. More visiting rights? Your sister removed from her husband's custody? Her husband to take caregiving classes? A second opinion about her possible dementia? Know what you want, and present the evidence that makes you have this concern.

Good luck to you and to your sister.

She has never been injured while in the care of her care provider, only when in the care of her husband.

My sister became worse after her husband stated he had her admitted to the psych hospital for supposedly beating her hands with an object. her hands do not look like they have been abused. She was lucid and awake prior to that admission. Since that admission she is quiet. When I was with her at night her husband was at home. When she called she whispered because he was home. Would you expect her to talk about him in front of him? Her care provider is who told me about the stitches twice on her face. She supposedly fell out of bed onto a carpeted floor and required stitches on her face. Those two times happened on weekends when her husband was at home and the care provider was NOT there. The care provider is a private individual. She does not want to lose her job. Would you if you worked 5 days a week and 10 hour days at $500 a week tax free? I told her my brother in law was secretive. She told him yet she moved her fingers across her mouth like her lips were sealed. She is not to be trusted with secrets. The only name I found on medicine was the psych meds which my brother in law claims she no longer takes but refuses to say when they were stopped. I told the APS person about the bruises and she said, "That was last year. I can't do anything about that." What the doctors know is what my brother in law tells them. My sister told her doctor that they were having marital problems. That started a roller coaster ride of secrecy on his part. He distanced himself from family from day one. Let's take on another story. My husband and i were having problems when we first married due to his daughters and sister in law interfering. He was with me when I had 120 needle sticks on my back done twice for allergies. His sister in law said my allergies were in my head. She said I was jealous of the first wife for stealing him from me. Oh really? He didn't even know her until months after I graduated from high school. We dated my sophomore year and his senior year. He knew that I had a long list of allergies that pertain to the area we were living and the cat in the house that belonged to a daughter, the dust from the previous wife's things stored in the house, in the garage, and on both sides of the house. She was a pack rat. My things remained stored for thje first two years of our marriage due to her things occupying the space where my things should have gone. I purchased a book about allergies which the title was My House Is Killing Me. In it the author speaks of ordinary things around the house that may be something you are allergic to. The driftwood across the fireplace was a huge dust collector. The rug in front of the fireplace was a dust collector and a dander collector from the cat. The cat was brushed at the back door and fed at the back door. The fireplace was three dimensional and the previous wife made it. She was a potter. There were dried and plastic flowers in pottery urns the previous wife had made. Okay, one day he scared me from the way he was pointing his finger at me and saying in a frightening way,"Look at you. You're allergic to yourself." He repeated that several times so I called my doctor. I got a message to dial 911 so I did. I went to the hospital because I had no place else to go and did not have permission to drive due to a seizure disorder. I was placed on the psych unit. My doctor came and asked why was I there, the wrong person was there. She gave me permission to drive and I went to my son's 200 miles away. However I left AMA because the psych doctor who admitted me would not be in until it would be too late for me to drive to my son's. It was later that I learned why I was admitted. My husband told the paramedics that I thought my house was killing me. I fought that with the hospital to no avail even though I brought the book to the hospital. Since the move away from the daughters he is so different and a happy camper. He has told the one daughter who threatened me, yes she did to him over the phone not to me, to stay away and she is not welcome here. The daughters have lost their daddy they had twisted around their little finger. He was at their beckon call. They could go swim anytime they wanted to. They could come and go at the house at their own pleasure. This woman, being me, started making changes to "their mother's house." She worked so hard on the fireplace, the pottery dishes, restoring the furniture and more and there I was wanting my own furniture, my own bed, my own pillows, my own dishes, my own pots and pans, my own space in the house that had become mine jointly with their father. Now we move and the oldest daughter told him to not put my name on this deed for this house. Well he did put me on the deed. I am on the deed to other property we have accumulated since our short marriage too. We were childhood playmates and high school sweethearts. He willed me back into his life after his wife died. A friend of his kept tract of my whereabouts. He wears floral islander shirts which his youngest daughter thought he would not so she gave him a army green pullover shirt he never wore. He gave it away.
My point....she was not as she is now until the husband told the doctors about her. She was zonked out on meds most of the time I was with her. She was not prior. She was only on Aricept which my husband is and he does not have AZ. I am on Namenda and I do not have AZ.
I am a retired NURSE.
My sister asked to wear a t-shirt I bought her 1 1/2 years ago. She asked...she said she wanted to look nice for her sister.
Our family pictures have been removed. His family pictures are in sight.
The rugs are taken up because she and I both are fall risks. He puts them back down. The wheels on the wheelchair do NOT lock. He has not gotten rid of it or replaced it. Sorry, I believe there has been a major game of mind manipulation. She may very well have AZ but I do not believe it is all AZ and neither does my brother or my sister in law who also is a retired NURSE.

Cherokee40, your concern for you sister shines through all of your posts. I sincerely hope you can get steps taken to improve her situation.

Your topic heading says she has Alzheimer's but I gather from your posts that you do not believe she has it. Whether you think she was misdiagnosed or you think her husband is lying about it is not clear. Your evidence for feeling this way is not conclusive. She recognizes you and kisses you on the lips. In some forms of dementia the patient never loses the ability to recognize loved ones, and even in forms where that is common it often does not occur until later stages. Many, many cases of dementia occur without a trace of it on either side of the family for many generations. Dementia is often not revealed in a cat scan. The fact that she likes to wear certain shirts or that she wants to have her hair done doesn't say anything about whether she has dementia. Many people with dementia, especially early stage, could recognize their sister signging on a recording. It is possible that she doesn't have dementia, but your evidence would not convince a social worker or a court, I'm afraid, especially since you have no access to her medical records.

She has been injured. That is certainly consistent with dementia. It is also consistent with abuse. So, which is it? Was there any sign of abuse before she became ill? When she was taken to the hospital after "beating herself up" was there any investigation into to cause of the bruises? It would seem like that would be a normal police activity under the circumstances. The bruises and injuries always happen when her husband is home. How do you know that? He seems very secretive so I don't suppose you know what is happening when in that household. She was suspicious of him before she became sick. If she is demented (or even if she isn't), might she want to get him in trouble now?

When you are visiting her, when she stayed with you, when you stayed overnight, can she tell you the names of her doctors? Could she sign Hippa waiver forms giving permission for her doctors to speak to you? I think you would gain a lot of understanding by talking to her medical team. What exactly is her diagnosis? What doctors' names where on the pill bottles you've seen?

Please don't take any of this as criticism or lack of belief in your version of the situation. I just want to point out that if you intend to try for outside intervention you need to be aware of how your statements might be viewed by outsiders who are sworn to be objective.

And I think you should try for some outside intervention. As others have suggested in this thread, bring in a social worker, or Adult Protection to investigate. In order to make a persuasive case why they should, try to sort out your most urgent concerns, and the reasons (evidence) you have those concerns. For example, explaining your suspicions of her burises seems to me a high priority. Mentioning that the windows in her bedroom are high does not. Saying you have been told she has dementia but you are not sure if that is true is appropriate, but going on at length about why you doubt that she does may not win you any points. That she might not be getting her pills correctly is a concern worth investigating, but I'm not sure what an agency would do with the complaint that she was not getting her hair done regularly.

You are distressed by many, many things in your sister's life. To be most effective in advocating for her I suggest you focus on the major concerns that would also be viewed as concerns by outside agencies. Don't give up on all the other "little" quality of life issues, but work on those on your own. Bring the Big Guns in for the Big Issues.

I sincerely wish you luck in improving your sister's situation.

We have not been told how her nose got broken or why she had to have stitches on her face twice but one time she supposedly fell off the bed onto a carpeted floor and had to have stitches. The second time and the broken nose still has not been explained. They happened when she was in the care of her husband. No injuries have been done while in the care of her care provider. She had bruises on her breasts and back long before she was diagnosed. When the husband was asked, he refused to answer. When asked when was the last Cat Scan he said he did not have to answer that. The one and only Cat Scan known to be done revealed nothing. She was admitted to the behavioral unit by the police because to admit her otherwise would take a court order. So he called the police and claimed she beat up on herself. He said she looked like she had been run over by a truck. That was his words. It is difficult to believe his stories.

I would like to add as a reminder in case I did not state it in the beginning, my sister requested the shirt she wore when I visited her and decided to get involved. She requested to look nice for her sister. She asked to sit on a chair rather than on the couch. She made comments about the pictures I gave her. She told her care provider "That's my sister singing!" when she watched the ancestors DVD I made for her. She wore a t-shirt that I bought her. Is that a sign of memory gone? I think not. When I played two of her messages pre diagnosis by several months she said,"Thank you." These are the messages when she said he beat her, she wanted to live with me, she wanted me to stay with her .She kisses me on the lips and says, "I love you." She does the same for my husband. She knows who we are. GeSh.....

We are going to visit in May and see how that is handled before anything further is done. The brother is visiting too. I really doubt he reads this website but I need to be careful how I word things to protect our identity.

It's good that you are concerned about her. Mommag gave some good answers
To me, it sounds like a dangerous situation. Mommag gave some good answers

Our mother was over medicated and it took six months to detox her. I told that to my brother in law and he said he knew he was there. Excuse me, he was not there. He was only 11 years old when that happened. He is two years younger than my sister. As a nurse I had to make a note to a doctor when other nurses were overlooking it. A patiend had been on morphine longer than he needed to be. It is supposed to be re-ordered every 72 hours. It had been several days. When he became my patient again I wrote a note to the doctor. The med was dc'd and the patient was discharged to home only to come back addicted to the Morphine. Another patient had a sponge left inside him and ended up with feces coming out the tube that went through his nose to his stomach. The doctor also accidentally cut the man's gut (colon). The nurse did all we could do hinting the family had a lawsuit. We could not come right out and tell. Another patient had eye drops every 30 minutes round the clock and I mean around the clock. She ended up losing the eye the doctor was trying to save. It enucleated. Too many people put 100% trust in doctors. A cousin was told she didn't have cancer. She got a second opinion and she did have cancer in her larynx. She had to go to another county, a larger one, for a correct diagnosis. We do not know the names of her doctors. Except I know the name of the psych who she is not seeing anymore. It's the family doctor we need to talk to. We were not allowed to say anything to the nurse. There are two family pictures on the mantle but none anyplace else. He claimed she is not slipping now so the rugs stay down. She is still a fall risk. We do not trust him. My brother does not trust him either. He distanced himself from family from day one.

We do not know the doctor's names. Supposedly she has three but my brother in law refuses to give out that information. We went for a luncheon and did the surprise visit only to be met with the mail carrier waiting for the door to be answered. The care provider finally answered the door after the door bell had been rung several times but she quickly shut the door saying she had to talk to the nurse. The mail carrier continued to ring the door bell. After a little over ten minutes and she had already been there she left. She asked if I could sign for the mail and I told her no to leave a note and make him go get it. After a 45 minute wait outside in the heat my brother in law surprised us and yelled "What are you doing here?" He threatened to kick us off HIS property. I have noticed he has never said it was their house or their property when my sister's money paid for it. To cut to the chase he was very beligerant. I told him she was my sister and we made a last minute decision to make the trip. (Besides he was at work and we don't have a phone number to call the care provider.) I told him I had a right to dial 911 too. He said to go ahead when he got there he would go inside and whip out the power of attorney and the officer would escort us off the property. He said nobody goes to HIS house without calling first. That's correct, not even the mail carrier. I ended up calling him an a_____e. My husband told him he was there why couldn't my sister come out and visit us on the porch. After asking several times he called the care provider but she didn't answer her phone. He yelled and told her to answer her phone. She answered the door and said her phone was in her box whatever that is. She went and got my sister who walked slowly out the door and hugged and kissed both of us. She kissed us on the lips. She knows who we are. I showed her some of my pictures I had put my poems on. She fell to sleep. I said we could leave and be back next month. I said she was napping. He nudged her and she said, "I'm sleeping." I gave her a special picture I won't identify here but read the saying to her. then I gave her a calendar I had made with my photos. (I am a photographer.) My husband flipped through the calendar and I told her where each picture was taken. My brother in law said they had been to one of the places. After a nice visit with my sister and a not so nice one with my brother in law we said we had to leave.
The next morning my husband said the Lord told h m he needed to talk to my brother in law. He needed to listen to me because I can help. My brother and his wife can help too. We are both retired nurses. So I told him what number to dial on my cell phone since his phone would show up anoymous. My brother in law had asked if my number shows up anoymous. I told him he has my number. Anyway....
My brother in law said he gets off early on Fridays. (Interesting that before he always worked late and worked weekends too, never any time to spend with family and always and excuse if we wanted to go over and when we invited them over.) Anyway.....he was to call and it was after 4 so my husband called him again. He returned the call, said my sister had a hard day...trying to get out of it. My husband said my sister could stay in bed, he wanted to talk to him. So he said to come over which we did.
My sister answered the door. She was walking better than the day before.
My brother in law said my sister was having some agression in the mornings again. Well this was evening. After saying that my sister started grabbing my thumbs and squeezing them so tight I had to grab her hands to keep her from hurting me. When she hugged me this time she pinched me. She pinched my husband too but did not do it until my brother in law mentioned it. Interesting.
My husband had my brother in law meet him in another room. They talked about the meds mostly.
After a bit my sister said, "I want to go to the dining room." Remember this is the person who the welfare/APS services said could not talk, walk or do anything. I helped her up off the couch which sits low, too low even for me. She walked to the dining room and was about to sit down when she saw her husband and mine in the kitchen. Then she went in there.
My brother in law asked me are these the medicines you took pictures of and i said yes. He said the ones in the back she doesn't take anymore. She only takes the ones in the case. I asked him when did she get her blood pressure and fluid meds and he said in the mornings. I asked who gives them to her if he gave them before he went to work and before she got up. He just said she gets them in the mornings. He refused to answer. I asked him when was the last CatScan done and he said, " I don't have to answer that question."
He is contradicting. He said the welfare lady didn't do anything because she could not get in the house since he was not home. Now he says she called him and said she checked 125 things she was allowed to check but one thing, this house was built on love. He said my sister was walking better, talking better, eating good but still losing weight. She is on two fluid pills. I saw him give her a fist full of meds the night I spent the night. I was not going to argue with him again. If she does not take the psych meds and the other meds in the cabinet why doesn't' he dispose of them?
My husband and I do not believe everything this brother in law told us. He said my sister said to never put her in a home. He said no matter how much longer she lives whether a year or 5 years or longer he will never put her in a home. I told him thank you. (I will believe that when I see it.)
What I forgot to ask was what are his plans if he should precede her in death. That is not a impossibility.
I wrote my brother to make sure he calls well enough in advance for his visit. However, my brother said he will give two days notice so our brother in law will not have a lot of time for excuses like he has always had in the past.
During the initial confrontation with my brother in law I told him about my sister's calls long before she was ever "diagnosed": She asked me to check on his employment. He called me a liar. Okay...I still have some of her calls on my voice mail. I still have the emails regarding his employment research. However, I cannot show that to him because I have to keep the people anonymous.
My husband said he forgot to tell him about what my neurologist said. An MRI should be done to rule out a brain tumor or anything else going on in the brain. Our grandfather had a brain tumor. There is no history of AZ in our family. There is history of heart attacks and cancer. I'm tired. There is more but you get the drift. Our hands are tied.

Did you ever suspect your brother in law of abuse before your sister became ill? I understood that all pics had been taken from the room but you say only her family pics. That does sound weird. We have kept pics up even though she thinks they are spying on her because sometimes she does remember who they really are. The scatter rugs don't make sense unless he has an OCD and can't change patterns. Another family member had these same type of issues and they did find out that some of it WAS over medication - prescribed by DRS!!! But one dr. took over and micromanaged better and they improved some. Once again, call Social Services for a social worker to assist you.

Sounds like a horrible situation. Keep calling adult protective services in your agency. Can you call the wifes doctor and let him know what is going on. I know that the doctor cannot give you any information due to HIPPA laws, but he can listen to your concerns. You can also see if your town has a crisis center, give them a call they may have a social worker that can help.
Good luck
Sarah,

I forgot to tell you, the CatScan reveled nothing. She was placed on Aricept and her cars keys and cell phone got taken away. She was having memory problems but was still driving with no problems. So she is on Aricept...okay buy her an Alzheimer book, a thick one. My husband is on Aricept and does not have dementia or Alzheimer. He swims 2000 meters, bikes 30 miles, and runs from 3 to 9 miles; does math problems in his head licktysplit. I take Namenda for pain at bedtime. Neither of us have dementia or AZ. We leave in a few minutes; first the luncheon and then the visit. It takes from 3 1/2 to 4 hours to get there. I took care of Alzheimer patients as a nurse. At their break-time I brought music from their era and played it. One lady took a spoon and played like it was a mike and walked around the room singing to everybody and I might add on key and good. Yes I am very concerned about her. She has only her husband's family down there. Our brother lives two days drive away. Thanks.

The surprise visit is today. Blood pressure pills and fluid pills are not bedtime meds.

I requested spending the night and was allowed only one night. My sister asked for me to stay with her. She has asked to come to my home and is not allowed either. We live over 200 miles apart I cannot call and talk to her unless the husband is at home and then not every call. The husband needs a break. He is overworked on weekends. Before this he was home late, always an excuse and always an excuse to work weekends. Now he is off a few minutes early to get groceries. She is not allowed out of the house except for doctor visits. She gets no sun. The porch does not have a ramp. It is high off the ground and does not have railing. Take a normal person and keep them in isolation, no communication and no means of communication, totally isolated from the world. Tell me what would happen to them? In Michigan where the sun rarely shines people get depressed due to lack of sunlight. If you never had access to a calendar would you know what the date is? Yes I am very concerned and so are my doctors.

My sister wants her hair done. My sister wants makeup. She wants to look nice for her sister. She looks to me not only as her sister but mother too since our parents are gone and I am the oldest. She is ten years younger and slept with me from the once out of the crib till I left home. When the DVDs that i made are played she tells her care provider "That's my sister singing." She is 61. The only pictures removed are FAMILY pictures. There are figurine collections all over the house. She can walk on her own power but needs assistance sometimes. I am a fall risk myself due to vertigo. I do not have dementia. I am very lucid. I'm a phiotographer since retiring from nursing. I have been an author since 1973. My sister was up and walking and doing things until one day I called and was told "She looks like she's been run over by a truck. I had to admit her to the behavioral unit." Excuse me....this is when she was in the care of her husband, not the care provider. She's had a broken nose, stitches on her face twice in the care of her husband. He keeps the scatter rugs on the floor even though the care provider picks them up. The one in front of HER toilet is the one she slips on after walking to the toilet herself. The wheel chair wheels do NOT lock. One arm rest is crumbling due to wear like it was ripped and scraggly pieces of the foam showing. I was told to keep a journal for my sister. Social isolation and isolation period is not healthy for anybody. Even I have to look at the calendar on my computer to see the date. Some days I am not so sure. Appts are kept on the calendar. Some I remember and some I have to check the calendar. I maintain three computers. Yes she would benefit and appreciate company. It's her mother in law who puts her face in my sister's face and says,"Do you know who I am?" My sister responds with her mother in law's name. Today should be a surprise visit. I will keep you posted. And I have a hidden camera, one I carry in my pocket. I have 4 digital cameras one being a professional one.

Belinda: My heart goes out to you and I can't even begin to imagine all you have to cope with and the personal loss you feel. Now, let me just suggest that Cherokee's situation may or may not be the same as yours.

I think Jeannegibbs gave some good input. What is important is that the woman is not being abused and that her medications are given at the appropriate times, etc.

There is ample time for a visit, when husband is gone at work or in the evening when he is home. I'm not discounting your suggestion that their impressions may be misleading, but sometimes people just need to have some peace.

Maybe the sister can suggest giving the husband a break and taking care of her for a while to see for herself how her sister responds in a different environment. If they can work together that would be a positive outcome.

I didn't mention that typically the most intimate caregiver, in her case, her husband is the very one that she will lash out at and accuse. My mother in law has hollered for lengthy times when getting a bath, changing her urine soaked clothes (she takes her depends off) and wants someone to come help her defend herself against me when I am taking care of her!! What would you have him do? (If she has some of the same issues), what would you have him do? leave her in wet, or worse clothing and linens? The dementia patient can somehow for a time muster enough "manners" to fool quick visitors. My mother in law will just shake her head or make acknowledgment sounds and you think she is intently taking it all in. However, she doesn't. She thinks that pictures are spies and that anything remotely violent on TV is towards her. You have to avoid TV programs with anything like that. One day she thought she was lost in the desert for hours and hours because I put on a John Wayne movie and they were in the desert. She was distraught!!! When she rattles the bed for attention, she will tell me to get the bed to quit rattling. It is a circular conversation and goes nowhere. Many mornings in the past she told me she couldn't go to school that day and would I let her sister know. Her sister has been dead for 17 years and she is 95 herself. She was afraid she was going to get behind. She has also told us that we were going to hell for making her take her medications and that she never thought we would treat her this way. In the past, there were battles over the use of dirty depends - she wanted to let them air dry and reuse. She has dropped her depends and defacated in other places NOT the commode. So you see, the mother who raised three children and ran a household for 50+ years is not who she was nor who she wants to be. THe mind is a hard thing to FIX IF you think that can happen - it can't in these cases and therefore are harder to understand and deal with than let's say the healing of a broken hip or leg. Please find an ALZ advocate to interview for information and read, read, read. I did and learned alot in order to put things in perspective.

How did the surprise visit go?

I also have some of the same sentiments of mommaq. The patient may have told her husband not to let people see her in her situation. We had relatives who insisted on this type of scenario. Momma is right. Dementia patients are extremely confused, report false abuse and actions. My mother in law thought I was clawing her forearm and that she was clawing me back in defense. In actuality she was clawing her own arm and peeled her thin skin away but she told the nurse that I had done it. I didn't have nails, the direction of the marks weren't right and skin was under her nails. Moving a patient who is easily confused or never aware of true locations does a little better when the scenary remains consistent. Just taking my mother in law to the bathroom Right next to her bedroom caused major confusion. She sometimes would refuse to get up from the johnny and would lodge a battle that would last hours. She hit, bit, scratched, kicked, punched, pulled hair, etc.and fell many times resulting in bruises on her more than me. We also have family members refuting our care of her yet do not assist in the care. The caregivers however applaud our efforts to keep her clean, fed and safe which infuriates the family, yet they do not come to visit nor offer to help. They have been told that this is defamation of character towards us. You may, however, have reason for concern but you must offer help and a social worker can help you with this. This will show you her true condition. Some medications have side effects that are not great but keep her calm which protects her from herself in the long run. I am sorry that you too are having to cope with this condition but as I have learned from research, interviews and experience her situation sounds like most folks in her condition and the stress on her husband is only escalated from criticism. If he throws up his hands and walks away you may find that you think he abandoned the patient, but are you willing to do this 24/7?????

It does not sound like the husband is doing a good job as a caregiver. Why put scatter rugs down around a fall risk person? Not giving meds as directed at the right time (if that is what is happening) is very poor practice. I can see why you are very worried. What do you want the outcome to be? Do you want her removed from her home? Would you like to see the husband get some training and some additional help? What would be an ideal outcome, in your view?

Is this the same home she lived in before she had dementia? I assume that the windows in the living room have always been high, that there has never been a window in the bathroom, etc. Has the house ever had a calendar? Could the curtains in the bedroom be opened by the paid caregiver or by your sister if she wanted them open? Does she spend much time in the bedroom? (Some days I leave the curtains pulled in the bedroom and I only realize it when I don't have to close them before going to bed.) These things just don't seem like issues to me.

But the bruises, ah, that does seem like an issue. How did her nose get broken? Why did she need stitches? It sounds like you suspect your brother-in-law of abuse. That is the heart of the matter, in my view. If abuse is going on, I urge you to keep on your mission to rescue her, to see that changes are made.

I don't know how you'll get to the bottom of the injury issue. The first year my husband had dementia he constantly looked like an abuse victim. He fell easily and often. He became uncoordinated and banged his arms into door frames. He was also paranoid and accused me and other people of stealing from him, etc. Fortunately he never claimed someone was beating him or hurting him, but that is common with dementia. So if your sister says, "My husband hit me," is it true or is it dementia talking? That you might have a recording of her claiming that she is abused is not really evidence that she is abused, considering her disease.

My heart goes out to you. How awful to hear your sister begging for help. You are doing the right thing by looking into the matter. You must feel powerless and frustrated. Hugs to you!

Can you visit your sister often, both when your brother-in-law is home and when he isn't? Can you help her apply makeup and take her to lunch? Can you help compensate for some of his caregiving failures?

You are very worried about your sister...I am sorry if some of the things I wrote upset you. My mother is much more advanced in her dementia and some of the things you mentioned that were/are wrong seemed normal to me because my mom won't let anyone touch her hair without a fight and she doesn't want to go outside etc. I have an aunt that calls me (she lives far away) and asks why my mom, her sister, can't talk on the phone and why don't I take her to church or out to get her hair done. She just doesn't get it. Your sister seems like she would respond to more help and social interaction. Keep up the good fight to see that your sister is alright. It is hard to know the truth without having a good relationship with her husband. I know that it is overwhelming to care for an alzheimer's patient and sometimes the caregiver is lost, confused, depressed and overwhelmed. Let us know how everything goes.

She is not so out of it that she does not care about her appearance. She CARES about her appearance.