Should I write a letter asking for the kids to take turns to come sit with Dad and mail it to each of them so I can get a break?

Thank you everyone for your responses. I just wanted to give a quick update. My husband had a recent 6 day hospitalization at which time I called each of the kids to let them know. During the hospitalization I took the opportunity to send a group text to all the kids to tell them that Dad needed help to get up moving more and that I just couldn’t get it all done in my own. All but one of the kids responded that they would help. I’m asking one of the kids to contact the others and make a schedule (this particular child’s idea). One child showed up for a visit this week after he got out of the hospital. I was so thankful for my husbands sake and I had the opportunity to take a long shower while someone else sat with DH 🙂

Thank you all for your kindness in responding to my post. It has been most appreciated.

YES. I suggest against telling them how you plan to use the time. Just make the request that you need some help.

you could consider calling them and asking for help. Or before you send the letter one of your children could call the steps and get a temputure read of their willingness to support.

I know from dealing with my own brother and sisters about helping our Step Mother with our Father and also with my wifes Mother and her husband getting his adult children to help towards the end. Adult children can be very short sighted, selfish and down right mean.

Unfortunatly your husband is NOT going to get better. This problem will only get worse. The sooner you get this extra help committed the better off you will be.

If his children do not want to help then you should probably look into a facility to put him in at some time. You can only do so much

I would just hire someone to come in and stay with hubby and the other disabled child for a couple days so you can get away.  If you want to try a letter, I would just let them know how he is doing, and how you have had to hire someone with the finances he has to help take care of him while you need to visit your family.  I am sure if they really want to visit they will find a way.  If they don't care, I wouldn't send any more letters.  Contact a office of aging for respite relief while you visit your family and go do it.  IF you get sick.........who is going to take care of him AND the disabled child.  Its a lot for one person to handle.  wishing you luck.  I am guessing you have POA of his matters at hand, if not and he is still able to understand things........get to an Elder attorney immediately and get things set up.

Regrettably, I think it is easy for adult children with busy lives to sort of "forget" about a parent to whom they don't feel especially close... especially if they assume that all his needs are being met!(I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt and maybe they don't deserve it) Five years goes by quickly for very active people.
I don't know how much you are in contact with them. If they have not been required to help before, they may just assume that they aren't needed now. They may be just self-centered more than truly "selfish".
(I may have this entirely wrong, of course, not knowing your situation) But perhaps it wouldn't hurt to write to them with an "update" on dad's condition. Tell them that if they could come and spend as much as 24hrs. with him, it would help you (that you need a break to see your family members as well) and perhaps give him a boost as well. You would be the best judge of what to say and how. And you might have to hire some temporary nursing care as well to make this possible. But you will not know unless you give it a try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

To judge the relationship between children and their fathers is wasted energy . We were not there at the time they were growing up and even if we were, every child in every family processes what they lived thru totally different and their siblings. There was only 4 years between my self and my older sister. We had totally different memories for our family of origin and our upbringing. I am sure it was the same for my brothers. The off-spring of this man may never had a decent relationship with there father or worse, a miserable relationship with him . My husband has 2 children. He has been estranged from one for 35 years and the other is busy raising his children hoping he will be a better father than what he thinks he had. There is no way I would call them to help with the care of there father. My own children are more concerned about both of us, keep in contact and help out when they can. They are about 1500 miles away but have flown in when he needed someone here while I had surgery . They care about him because they care about me. It will be my responsibility to keep him safe and myself sane. I attend an on line caretakers group and am able (at this time) to maintain contact with friends. We have PT coming in twice a week and home healthcare for 3 hours once a week . I take it all one day at a time. I do text FIY messages to the son when there is a fall or hospital stay, just to keep him informed. As things get worse I will have to make difficult decisions. I am hoping I have all the paperwork in place . I do have a durable POA and health care proxy in my name. Good luck, find a group , they will help you find the resources that you will need.

Imho, your statement of "his kids are from 35-62 and it's rare we see them; they live locally and Covid isn't the reason they don't show up" pretty much sums it uo; obviously they must know that you could use a break, but they fail to provide one. You could telephone them and ask them if they could sit with him, but quite honestly you shouldn't have to do that. Prayers sent.

If you rarely see his children now, I don’t think an open letter would be well received. You don’t say too much about your or your husband’s past relationship with them.

if you have a decent relationship with one of his children, maybe a personal phone call to that child asking if they or their siblings would be receptive to staying with their father on occasion while you visit your family. Give specific dates. I wouldn’t expect them to all of a sudden to take on their fathers care on a regular basis if they haven’t offered for all these years.

It unfortunately is not clear how much care is involved here, or if it is mostly just being available type of thing. Is he ambulatory , doing own ADLs, etc but needs someone to ensure his meals are served and the home locked for the night etc, or is he nearly bedridden and incontinent ? Two vastly different things. I am assuming his disabled child is an adult and hopefully has some kind of out of the home activity as well as being independent in ADLs but needing some supervisor with meals and safety wise. Is this daughter’s other parent involved at all? What are future plans for her , assuming that it is not for you to provide care for the rest of your life. How capable is she , can she assist at all with her father? There is again vast differences in this area of how much a developly disabled person can do . It seems like he had at least a financial part in raising his children and if he also paid for all their college education they do kinda owe him something as this is a huge expense. At the least I’d think the one whose loans are still being paid should respond and have a part in his life. I also assume he has had at least a couple other relationships since there are so many kids. Perhaps he was the type who just moved on , physically and emotionally ..that too would influence what those children would feel they should help with. He sounds like he was a man who was in vigorous good health and then went downhill fast. My parent was like that ..80 was the new 55...but a series of health crises and 81 started a downward spiral and at 82 was suddenly an old person.
I think it seems like he is still alert to situation so might have issues if suddenly you are gone and someone else is there , even his child. I’d ask them to start visiting ..maybe have a get together for everyone and then start inviting them over in small groups or together regularly. Maybe a birthday party for the sibling ? If that goes well, then ask for help..first just like , for a couple hours so you can go out to lunch with friends or even for a doctor appt. This will be easier the more independent he is. And also hopefully the child who lives with you can help. Next expand that time. It won’t be a quick process but hopefully this will work,
If not , or if you need respite sooner...look for the things others have said here. If money isn’t an issue there are many agencies or care givers even from online sites. If it is , then look at what can be covered through hospice if available to you or insurance or veterans or other local and state programs. Also, pre covid anyway there are adult daycare types of things ..some very reasonably priced .
Good luck!

I understand where you are coming from I also have step-children who live in the area in the Twin Cities who could also come and visit their father. If you cannot get them to come and visit their dad who is really getting older than you need to find a way to get help to come in and give you a chance to leave for a day or two. I have the same problem my husband is 76 and I am 63 and I have four step-children who do not call or visit their father. They say that I am taking such good care of their Dad that they do not have to worry about his care. Give me break!! What about my time I had to quit working and retire at 62 to care for my husband of 32 years. I am not complaining I love him very much but we all need a dam break. Do what is best for you and find someone to come and help you or you will get burned out. I hope this has helped you a little bit.

As others have stated, they have no intentions to help you out. Please hire additional help, if you can find the right people, the company will lift yours and his spirits. With everything, there will be issues- (going it alone- issues, hiring help- issues, begging family to help- issues, placement in a facility- issues.) It is an impossible situation. Prayers to you. I utilized all of the above- my disappointment in my siblings was painful at best. Selfish people are always too busy for others. I always said if they didn’t care to help my parents, they certainly won’t help me. Sad but very common in families.

I hear you loud and clear and my sympathies are with you. I have seen first hand situations like this and I hate to tell you but I doubt that anything you do or say is going to get them to help you. There will be some excuse because they used YOU for so long. I don't think you will get the help. If you want to speak to them or write a letter, go ahead but don't expect it to happen. Perhaps this is your wakeup call. Your life is being impacted in a very negative way with no help and that is just wrong. It is perhaps time to get a caretaker or place the parent. You have a right to your life and you better take it while you still can. Do not let them get away with this and be prepared to take more drastic action. You must have peace and a break.

I asked for help for years without getting much.

In retrospect, I think I might have had more success with a family meeting in which I laid out the problem as "our problem" and then stood back waiting for solutions to be offered. That puts the same pressure on everyone at the same time to respond/contribute. This would be an approach for getting regular help.

The other thing I did wrong was to leave the details/timeline up to them. I might have gotten more respite if I said, "I want to go to this thing; can you come take over for me for this amount of time?" This would be an approach for getting one-time help. Different approaches for different needs.

I think it would be OK for you to try this letter thing once...paid trained caregiver costs and takes time to arrange, but safer if needed.

I agree with sending the same email to everyone (including older grandkids), just suggesting visiting (and how much he looks forward to seeing his family in person) -- but then have no expectations or pass judgments on who participates. Send out his phone number, his mailing address. Make suggestions on things he likes so they can opt to send packages, etc. This way no one has an excuse why they can't contact him. Then occasionally take video of him saying hi and speaking a message to his family and send it out to everyone. Part of the problem with being elderly is being out of sight and therefore out of mind. Make sure what is said in the videos are not guilt-inducing. Take pictures ("a day in the life of Dad") and send it out. It's up to the receivers to read/watch/look at the pictures and decide to respond in some way. Provide ideas, like: he loves playing cribbage and challenge anyone to a match and the prize is an ice cream sundae...etc. Give people ideas so that visiting doesn't feel "daunting" or awkward. That's as much as you can do. And then just take care of yourself so you don't burn out. I wish you success in getting family support.

I am not a fan of open letters. It may relieve some of your frustration but I doubt it will accomplish anything. In my family some help and some don't. Some can and some can't. My mother is in a ALF near me. I now take care of all her affairs. But that was not always the case. For years I had my own life and priorities. However, there was never a time when I was asked directly that I refused to assist even though I lived 500 miles away at the time. Please understand that some people just cannot do hands on face to face care. But maybe they can help in other ways. They could help with the finances, or with other chores, or with their disabled sibling, or by funding respite care, or by funding in home care. I would gladly have helped with any of the above. But to take over full 24 hours nursing type care, even for a loved one, just freaks out some people. Ask individually. Your script would go something like this: ' Honey I don't know how to say this well but I need help. Here is the situation....'. Be prepared to offer suggestions for ways they could ease your burden. You may get help from some and not others. But, I think it is better than a form letter. It is possible your family members may want to help but they just don't know how, when, or where. At least you will then know where everyone stands and so will your husband.

"His kids are from 35-62 and it’s rare we see them; they live locally and Covid isn’t the reason they don’t show up."

I wouldn't send a letter. It seems pretty clear from this statement that they have little or no interest in their father.

You could try asking them once, either in person or by phone if they would be willing to sit with him for a little while, to give you a break or time to get some errands done, but I wouldn't hold my breath. I have 2 brothers who have done very little to help me with the whole situation. Most of the prep work to get all legal paperwork updated, set up everything, to get her to MC was done by me. The only thing I refused to do was the actual move (she was ADAMANT she wasn't going to move anywhere!) Then came the clear/clean/repair and sale of the condo. Three guesses who did most of the work, and the first 2 don't count! Helping her before the move, settling the condo and continuing to advocate for her, handle her finances, supplies and visits have sucked down 6+ years of my life. So much for retirement - the only thing good about being retired is that I'm not killing myself trying to work and do all the rest of this! The condo took almost 2 years alone!

Asking for their help, or even just understanding is a joke. One is a year older, the other 10 years younger.

Your best bet is to take time to check on resources available. Was he a veteran? He might qualify for some benefits. Medicare does provide very limited assistance, if he needs help with bathing, etc., and apparently offers one week/year respite care (anything is better than nothing!) Depending on income, might he qualify for Medicaid, as they also offer limited in-home care. If he is mobile enough, what about day-care services?

If none of these resources are available and you have enough income, I would hire from an agency. Several days/week, to give you a break and/or provide the bathing, etc. that WILL become more difficult over time. They do offer overnight care as well. Daytime vs evening and overnight costs are different, as are weekends and holidays, but whatever the cost, it would be worth it. No need to guilt trip anyone and you get peace of mind that he's cared for and you get a break! You also can schedule these outings when YOU want them, not when they *might* begrudgingly help. I would bring these aides in and be there some of the time, so you get to know them and are confident in them before doing more than quick errands. Not all hired help are equal - same as in any work environment, there are good ones, great ones and not so good ones!

Make sure you let your kids know how MUCH you appreciate the things they do for you! Perhaps you can hire someone to be there on the days they come to help. Let the aide care for him and you DOTE on your family - nice meal, etc.

You also mention a developmentally disabled child of his living with you. Do you get services/help for that child? If not, why not? If the child isn't capable of caring for him/herself and can't work, they should be on SS and there should be ways to get help. If the "child" is ADL capable, then it would mean just getting someone to watch him/her when you go out or go to visit family. I wouldn't ask one aide to care for both.

Last thought - don't waste time and energy being angry if they don't want to help. It only affects you, not them. Use that time and energy to make things better for yourself!

If they haven't seen him for a while, maybe a letter or phone call is not enough for them to understand the depth of his disability and the level of constant care he needs. You could try making a video and sharing it with them on social media. Keep a daily journal of all you do for him and share that on social media too. Do the grown kids have kids themselves who are in their 20s or 30s? Maybe when they see your social media posts, they will put some pressure on their parents to be more involved. But in the end, you have to do what's best for you. What would happen if you put him respite care sometimes? If you ever wanted to make a complete break, do you have access to finances? I'm sure you don't want to abandon an elderly spouse and developmentally delayed stepchild--on the other hand, it sure seems like your husband planned well with his own needs in mind, finding a much younger woman to care for the developmentally delayed person and for himself in his old age. But it's too much to expect from one person.

You are an amazing and patient woman and I salute you! But you've carried all the responsibilities for too long by yourself for your husband. We caregivers do not survive if we don't have help and you can't compromise your quality of life at your young age by avoiding asking his children to help. By all means, his children need to hear this from you explaining that you need help! It may be a struggle to get a positive response from any of them but you have to try I believe. Maybe one well respond and that would be an enormous help to you. Actually there needs to be a family meeting when all of this is discussed to each and every one together. They could be asked to contribute financially to assist with cost of outside help if the choose not to come. God bless you and I pray that you get the response that you need.

Is one of them closer to the father than the rest? Maybe you could call and ask them to come and more importantly to help herd the others into helping. In our family were lucky to find a caregiver who would work a 12/2 day schedule with my mil. But that left 2 days twice a month that we needed coverage. We got the kids together and planned which weekends they would cover. Two had to fly to come. It was a blessing in disguise because when she passed a few months later everyone had the experience of spending some uninterrupted time with her.

A letter sounds like a somewhat weak request for help. A phone call would be more direct. You need to state that you need help caring for their father and ask them to choose between coming in person or sending money to contribute to hiring help. Most of them may refuse or ignore your request, but you would have a clearer idea what you expect from them. Hire in-home health care help to the extent your resources permit.

Consider an Adult Day Care program if there is one in your area appropriate for your husband,'s disability.

You risk getting negative answers from the children, but at least you will know where things stand. That is preferable to hoping and wishing for help and being disappointed not to get any.


that few hours a week?

You deffiently can write a letter to each of the 6 children asking then if they would spend the night once a month but tgat probably won't happen if the have family of their own. But they might each contribute half a day once a month so you can get some needed self time.

You can also hire a 24 hr Caregiver if you can afford it once a week or once a month so you can visit your family.

It won't hurt to ask.

I prefer LoopyLoo & PolarBears's suggestions of gentle invitations to visit (without expectations) better.

But those visits will be irregular, if at all. And most probably fall very short of providing the real break you need.

"I am currently trying to secure honest and reliable home care".

Good. Get it. Then get more as you need more.

This will give you regular time off when it suits YOU. Not when it suits the sitter.

Yes! Write a letter and explain that their father would enjoy seeing them and you need extra help. Follow-up with phone calls to schedule their visits. Expect that you will probably need to be there during the first couple of visits - until they are comfortable with the routines and care. Then, you can schedule some "time off." If none of his children want to "sit Dad", ask them to provide finances so you can hire a home health aide to provide this service.

My husband is now in his 5th year of lewy body dementia. A couple of years ago when I was starting to feel overloaded I wrote (and sent) a letter to our 3 children asking them if they could visit once a month on a weekend for a few hours. I included copies of his neuro-psyche tests comparing two year-apart tests showing the decline he was experiencing. Naively I thought they would certainly want to help if they only knew how things were really going. Two of them ignored it, the other did come around more often for a month or two, but not one ever mentioned the letter. They apparently aren't coming around simply because they don't want to. It's hard to see dad that way and it's not much fun here. I was sorry I sent it. Asking for help is terribly difficult for me and this experience reinforced it.

Wow. First, I am sorry you're worn out. Who wouldn't be?

Your husband fathered 8 children over a 28-year span! I'm not sure to be bewildered or give him a high-five. Anyway, my guess is not all 8 have the same mother, and all siblings did not grow up together as one big happy family. If he was married multiple times, the children get tired of the revolving door of stepmoms and distance themselves. (My husband's father has been married 4 times. Two were only because the women were pregnant. Needless to say we don't get together much.)

It's also hard when he's married someone who is young enough to be their sister. In their eyes, you may be seen as a 'replacement' for them. Unlike the kids who couldn't help being born into the situation, you took him on knowing he'd be elderly, unwell, and die way before you. The "you made your bed, you can lie in it". Your own kids coming over to help is nice of them, but can also be seen as another 'replacement'. Like why would you need them, since you're way younger and your own kids are helping? Not saying it's fair, just an aspect to consider.

For all six local ones to not be around indicates a lot of issues are underneath. And those are not things you will be able to fix.

You certainly could do one mass letter to contact all six and tell them they are welcome to come if they want. Instead of "I need help", offer them the chance to be around their father while they still can. Could offer to step out of the house for awhile when they come by, if that's what they would prefer. After that, it's up to them. You offered, and if they don't accept, it's their decision.

If they wanted to visit they would have reached out. Do not contact them for that purpose. I would start hiring caregivers if your finances allow. Best of luck to you...

I like the idea Frances put forward about hosting a Zoom family meeting. I also would make sure their spouses are involved because if spouses are left out, that will only cause unnecessary drama. With the holidays coming up, I think it's appropriate to ask his children when they can make time to see their dad. If everyone takes a turn, that's 6 days you can go see your children and grandchildren. And asking each of the 6 for *one* day does not seem to me to be too much of an imposition. If it is, well, then at least you know on whom you can count. I agree that a letter will seem impersonal - and they also can ignore you. Although someone also can ignore you on Zoom, it's much harder to be a jerk on video.

EmmaSue,
I agree that all caregivers need regular breaks. Personally, I think sending out the letter will cause drama with his children. I would call them instead. However, you are married to him and the adult children most likely see him as your responsibility (mixed in with all kinds of family history, emotions, feelings, thoughts, both real and imagined). Hopefully, they will realize his time is very short and will want to spend time with him.

All being said, you definitely need breaks. Paying for respite care or having someone sit with him a few hours a week might be possible options.

Hi EmmaSue, your profile says your husband has metastatic prostate cancer. What is his prognosis? What does his doctor say? At 84 y.o., I doubt he has too many years left. Not wishing him dead, but I just want to point out that the light at the end of the tunnel may not be too far away.

As for your question about writing letters to his children, based on what you said: "...it’s rare we see them; they live locally and Covid isn’t the reason they don’t show up.", I doubt they will come. You can ask, but be prepared to hear "No". One reason for asking is that, later on, when their dad's gone, they can't say you never let them come to visit.