Should I feel obligated to take my mother out of memory care to drive her to her brother's funeral 3 hrs away?

You should ask your mother what she would like to do. If she can not go or feels it would be too difficult for her than that is fine. Just explain to the family that although she would like to be there, she is unable to now and send your condolences and prayers to them as well. Let go of the past and forgive your family especially in a time like this.

No, you should not feel obligated to drive your mother 3 hours each way to anybody's funeral. You'll have to handle whatever comes up, sundowning, toileting, etc. Will she even know she's there? You would only be doing it out of principle. Principles went out the window when my Mom got Alzheimer's. Take care of you. They'll all get over it.

Definitely No on the funeral travel. But per the text messages, a couple others hit the nail on the head that there might be Will or other legal issues in the background to be aware of that is your responsibility to deal with as POA.

In my own experience with my own similar that-kind of family, that kind of "call me, it's important" in that context always means either A. Someone left you something in their Will; B. We want you to do something for us (yeah, no); or C. (most often) Both. (But we're also too lazy to put it in writing for your convenience.)

If you really don't want to deal with them or risk being put on the spot somehow on the phone (and, again, given my experience and family, I wouldn't either), I'd personally tell them move to email instead of texting so info is easier to gather and track (and forward, if necessary). I'd text something like, "As I said, I'm unavailable for phone calls. Please email any questions and relevant info to [email address], so I may review it on my mother's behalf."

No

Ask your mom. If she wants to go, take her. If she doesn’t care to go, you can choose whether you want to go as her representative. No pressure.

And your mom may really want to go. If she does, take her. (My mom had some late-in-life change of mindset and I always honored her wishes, even when I disagreed with her choices.)

There are some estrangements in my family, so I get it.

Of course, you should not take her out of Memory Care to attend the funeral. A three-hour trip is extremely stressful for someone with Dementia.

And, she would probably not even understand what is happening anyway.

Just tell the family members that she is too frail to travel.

Block their phone number so you don't receive calls. I wouldn't even tell your mom about her brothers passing. Don't tell anyone which facility she's in and if you can, get the place sold so they really have to work at finding you.

Short answer, you’re doing the right thing and actually protecting your mother in this situation.

Your mother, who has dementia advanced enough to require memory care, won’t be able to process the situation logically. In my case, my mother who has dementia and is in AL, is stuck in a memory and reliving my brother’s death over and over, going on 3 yrs now, and it’s horrible for her. Since then, we chose to not tell her about several deaths in the family including her brother.

So in a nutshell, have compassion for your relatives’ loss and offer your sympathy, but don’t let their grief compel you into going against what’s best for you and your mother.

Has it been discussed that the family may be reaching out to her mother as a courtesy. Many people are very uncomfortable relaying news via text, especially news of a death. The older generations manners dictate sharing news of a death in the family via telephone. Other methods of communication, especially texting, are considered very rude and impersonal. I understand the desire to not talk to them, but I think that expecting them to relay the news via text and blocking their texts does not help the situation for either party. Courtesy, even with family members who are estranged, is sometimes necessary. Blocking the texts and not responding is not courtesy and will only escalate the differences in the family. Why exactly the family is reaching out at this time is unknown and the fact that they said important in big bold letters, says that they are only reaching out out of necessity. I completely understand the family estrangement. We have it in my family. You should at least have one conversation on the phone with them and then take it from there. As another poster pointed out, there could be legal reasons they are trying to reach you. Who knows, there could be an apology in the offing. You are not under any obligation to attend anyone's funeral, except your own, if one is held for you. That you are sick and your mother is sick, which she is, are perfectly valid reasons to not attend. My aunt died a couple of weeks ago and three of her children could not attend her funeral because they were ill. Nobody had a problem with it. I think you should call your relatives and at least hear them out. You are not obligated to remain in contact with them and you can bloc their numbers at any time. But you should give them the courtesy of hearing what the news. They do not know that you know their father's passing. You also don't know the history of your mothers relationship with her brother. You just know what she's told you in recent years.. You should not assume what another person is going to say. They love their father as much as you love your mother. They are grieving.

That would be much too stressful on your mother in the first place (and of course on you). Just explain once, and once only, that your mother is in Memory Care and will not be attending. And it is very possible that once the aunt knows of your mother's situation, she would understand and not expect her to go.

Does she remember she has a brother? It does sound too stressful and I would say you are not obligated. I would talk to them and tell them the situation and how hard it would be on your mom. They should understand. If her memory of him is clear perhaps you could show her an obituary or they could send you one of the folders from the funeral. You could send flowers or a card on her behalf. But if it is likely to cause her to become upset it might not be worth telling her about any of it.

NO! Call your cousin, offer your condolences, and let the family know Mom is in Memory Care. There is no guilt to be had here. A trip like that will surely be disorienting and will cause much confusion and set-backs. Let sleeping dogs lie.

You are correct in your way of thinking and feeling, death however is a final goodbye. Not for your uncle's family, not for your estranged family who don't know where your mother is, and maybe not even for your own sake, but for your mother's sake, I would take her to her brother's funeral. Things that can't be undone, changed or wished back are the things we regret forever. Your mother had a brother, they both got old, they lost touch, but they had a life that began as children, they grew up together, they went through changes, they are family, and this might be the last close family member she has. Whether she is aware of who he is when she gets to the funeral or not, she deserves the right to say goodbye, to be present as a very important member of his family, and somewhere in her mind it will register that her brother is gone in time. Your mother will someday pass as well, having attended her brother's funeral, in turn will allow those who have been absent in the past to open the line of communication with you, and could be a very good thing in giving you some help. My mother died, I was her primary care giver, l grieved so much that I lost everything, but I had siblings who too were estranged for 3 years, they didn't grieve, they already listed her in their minds as dead years ago. My mother was anything but dead, she was a sharp minded person at 83 yrs. old, who was trapped in a disabled body, the physical work of keeping my mother healthy and able to do the things that she needed done on a daily basis, fell to me, these things were too much for my 3 siblings to have to do, so their decision was to stay away, and to put me down for keeping my mother alive in order to meet my own selfish needs, this was their way of making themselves look like the heros and me to look like a zero. I never cared about the things they said about me, my mother went through such heartbreak over her children not caring enough to come and see her, I felt guilty and tried to change that. All that said, when my mother died, I never called anyone, none of her friends, no neighbors, none of my own friends, I couldn't get over the fact that she wasn't alive, that she was gone, and didn't want to admit to anyone that she was no more, especially not myself. The funeral, burial, all that followed her death was a blur to me, I was truly grieving as I had never grieved for anyone in my life. The loss of my mother, it's hard. But, now 3 years later, (I'm crying now), the one thing that I feel like I failed her on was not telling everyone who she mattered to, and she mattered to so many people, she touched everyone she met, to come and say their final good-byes to my mother. Her funeral was attended by barely anyone, only people she really didn't know, these were people who knew my siblings and were told in order to back up my siblings. The people who knew her, who came to see her while she was disabled, they weren't notified, her family was not notified until we were on our way to the cemetary with her in her coffin, they came from work to see the casket lowered into the ground and came to the luncheon, not to eat, but to ask why they didn't know. So, don't let your anger or your hurt take away from your mother's last chance to see her brother, and say goodbye. When it's over and you are done, you will never have to question yourself on whether you should have, you do it, you only have one mother, you are her baby girl, your not doing this for anyone but her and yourself as closure. Life is about doing the hard things for the right reasons. I hope you make the right choice, but it is your decision to make, good luck. Have a good day

I read both your initial post and 6/1 update . Just tell these people of your mothers dementia condition and due to BOTH your health issues, you cannot attend the funeral. Tell them per her Dr stress of funeral & travel are out of the question.

As for future contact, please ask that any and all communication be by text or email since that’s easier than talking on phone for you ( and that your mother does not have the ability to do either).

Do not let these people guilt you or bully you.

Reasoa, I read your follow-up of 6/1 and it occurs to me that you are being a bit evasive with your relatives. I certainly understand your reasons, but having experienced the other side, it's frustrating when you are grieving and just trying to get the notification job done but can't reach people that should be notified. Can you send them a message spelling out what you've told us, your mom's circumstances, and the fact that you need to be the one to relay whatever messages they have for her (of course it's your decision as to what gets relayed). Perhaps if you respond to them more fully they will cross you off their list and leave you alone?

i agree with everyone else here that the correct answer is no, definitely do NOT take her to the funeral. change is so tremendously upsetting for a person with dementia. i didn't understand this until i actually had a mother with the disease--when my father died 7 years ago, his sister called to let us know she was very sad but could not attend because her husband, my uncle, was suffering badly from dementia and he was still living at home where she cared for him. at the time i didn't fully understand as i had never experienced having a loved one with dementia and i was a bit sad that she wouldn't come to her own brother's funeral. they were very close. but now i completely understand and i feel sad for what she must have been going through, that she had no help and could not leave him for a few hours to attend her own brother's funeral. all of this is to say that your estranged family may not get why you and your mother can't attend but don't let that deter you. until they experience first-hand what dementia is like they won't get it.

Personally I don't think people who have dementia should be exposed to such sadness and trauma. My Dad died and my Mom was safe in a NH and I did not want her to go to the funeral. My brother who was poa made the decision to take her. And she was was crying the whole time and very upset. It broke my heart.

Send as expensive bouquet as you can afford to the funeral with condolences, expressing regret that illness prevents your mother from traveling. Sounds like an occasion when appearances will suffice. Call the family to explain if you feel up to it.

In your heart, you know that you shouldn’t take your mother to this. However, as others have said, it would be the right thing to do to return the call. You can explain what’s going on and send whatever you would like. Who knows, you may learn that these extended family members are not so bad and you may end up reestablishing relationships. Ha! Maybe momma is in his will! Lol


I’m curious if she ever even asks about her brother. My mom was very close with her family, but I haven’t taken her to any recent funerals between COVID and her declining health and moderate dementia. Most reasonable people understand that there comes a point in life for many that they are unable to attend these gatherings.

Please let us know how things turn out!

Your "obligation" is to your mom.
Keeping mom safe and calm is priority.
Trying to take her out of MC for a 10, 12 hour day is INSANE. (and it might even be longer. If it is a 3 hour drive for you alone add an extra hour or so on to that driving with someone with dementia. Add the bathroom stop and trying to change her if needed, getting her in to the bathroom safely, then back into the car)
Then the funeral that she will be :
frightened with all the people that she does not "know" and all the noise.
if there is an open casket viewing someone that does not look like her brother.
then I presume there may be a service, that will also confuse her more.
then the trip to the cemetery where she may have to walk over uneven ground to observe a box being put into the hole in the ground.
and the "wonderful" post funeral luncheon where everyone will be eating, drinking and making all sorts of noise that will scare her.
I will not even guess how many times during this day she will ask to go home.
Then the drive back.

For mom's peace of mind, your mental health do not take her.
If "family" wants to know why tell them. Invite them to visit if they wish (on your terms, and when is convenient for you)
But for the funeral send your condolences and regrets that you will both be unable to attend.

No, you are not obligated to take your mother to the funeral.

Why would you take her? Does she even know her brother died? Is your mother asking to go? Despite estrangement, the family has taken the trouble to let you/your mother know about the death. You can thank them for letting you know, but there is no need to take your mother to the funeral. If there is pressure from the family to attend, simply tell them your mother is not able to travel.

Maybe the cousin's wife wants to get information to put in the newspaper obituary. Just to get her off my back, I probably would have just bit the bullet this once and called her back. See what she wants. I'm from the generation before cell phones but in my humble opinion, I would never "text" news to someone of a close relative's death. I would find that rude. But that's just me. Also, there may be legal reasons to contact you (on behalf of your mother). Her brother may have left her something in his will, etc. If that is the case, just have them send any paperwork for your Mom to your address. I've settled several estates and probate paperwork needs to be attended to. It's not critical at this stage as your Uncle just passed. However, curiosity would be getting to me so, again, I would just bite the bullet, make a brief phone call, and then be done with it. You don't have to tell them your Mom's location or contact info. You just don't.

Just reiterate she's now in memory care, and you are recovering (self isolating) from COVID and you and Mom will not be attending. Period. Case closed. Don't feel guilty. You are doing nothing wrong.

Even if she were close to her brother, I would advise against taking to the funeral. Too many reasons not to and no good reasons to bring her. I would just call the family, explain that she is in memory care and she would not be able to attend, (but thank you for letting us know.)

Dont recommend it...let her be

This question has come up several times for me with the families of our residents and support groups. You mentioned that this side of the family has not been supportive. With that in mind and a 6 hour round trip for a funeral, I suggest that you keep Mom at the community. You need to ask yourself, has Mom talked about her brother, asked for him? Is the stress of getting Mom out of the community, traveling 3 hrs each way in a car too much? With Alzheimer’s and the various forms of dementia there are behaviors, if Mom has behaviors how will you handle this alone? Do you want to subject yourself and Mom to this stressful, emotional situation? What if Mom won’t get in or out of the car?
So many issues and stressful situations could occur.
when my families and caregivers ask me what they should do in a situation similar to this, I ask them to take a realistic look into the big picture. We discuss what stage of the disease their loved one is in. Do they truly understand what is happening? Is it the right thing to even inform them of a siblings passing? Will the news cause them distress, anxiety, and behaviors?
I had a family with a similar situation. Their Dad lives in our community, has transitioned well in the community and has a quality , active life. Their Dad is at stage 5 in the disease progression and is truly in a time frame where he is out of the military and just started work after college in the field of engineering. He does not see himself as a 88 year old man, he is in the time period where he is 24 with a wife and baby son. The thought of telling him that his sister has passed, will only be 18 yrs old in his mind.
this family joins their Dad’s journey, they do not correct they redirect.
Most times Dad welcomes the son and his wife as friends. Not saying their names but being cordial and happy to see his “friends”, on a rare ocassion he will say his son.
They did not take Dad to the funeral.
They did not have a close relationship with that side of the family, instead they sent flowers from Dad and made a donation in his sisters name to The Alzheimer’s Association. The day of the funeral they brought lunch into the community to spend time with Dad and have his favorite burger and shake, and they brought a photo album of Dad and Family and spent time hearing stories from Dad of his childhood. What would have been a day of stress and anxiety became a day of creating a great memory for the family and a happy moment for Dad.
Don’t put more stress upon your self.
Schelle’y Cunningham CDP
Arden Courts Fort Myers Promedica Memory Care

Hello this would be a difficult decision you will have to make. Personally if it was me considering the history of your family and the current situation with your mother I wouldn’t take her unless you can bring someone beside you to help you with your mother. You mentioned this will be very stressful to you but if you didn’t go she may be upset in missing her brother funeral. Still I would let her know about the upcoming funeral and she can decide.

The answer is no don’t put yourself through it

Obligated - NO! Making best decision for you and your mom - YES! Cold-hearted - NO!

"I just feel like I've reached a point where I just have to protect myself and have some boundaries. I'm an only child, so there's no one else to share this load."

I have begun doing the same and remind myself (and others) "I pay most of the consequences for decisions" because no one else ever totally understands what they might even be.

If it were me, I would respond to each one trying to notify your mom and let them know her condition and she is unable to make the trip. Maybe they are trying to reach out as an "obligation" to your mother and will not push once they understand her situation. Politely thank them for trying to let your mother know and offer your sympathy. Who knows, with the death of the brother they may realize how short life is and want to make efforts to reconnect and even then you may never hear from them again. However, since they have reached out to your mom I would put them on the list to notify them when your mom passes.

Good Morning,

There comes a time when you cannot be dragging around an elderly frail person who really probably should not stray too far from medical assistance.

As long as you acknowledge the death, (Mass card, fruit basket, sympathy card, telephone call). That's really what people expect. I am in the dog house with my brother because I didn't get my mother up out of bed in the middle of the night and rush to my Aunt's bedside. The Aunt who was always mean to my mother. I did, however, prior to my Aunt's death make sure my mother saw her sister once a week (on my day off mind you). We brought flowers, ice cream, etc. Never showed up empty handed. I did it out of respect for my late grandmother.

As my mother's disease(s) progressed I, the caregiver, make the decision. I do NOT attend everything because it's too much work and too much can go wrong. The walker has to go in the trunk, Mom's balance is off, the bathroom situation. There is construction everywhere in my State. For our situation, it's not worth the trouble.

I would be very upfront and direct. I informed my mother's cousin that we are unable to travel out-of-state. Mom's health has declined. She is unable to travel--end of story. I did send a beautiful fruit basket from a boutique specialty item supermarket. She loved it.

In addition, I really re-think now how much gas I want to spend on a person. Gas is expensive across the nation, so I have to really like you to fill up--this is supposed to be a joke. Keep it simple honey and don't feel guilty about it. Things change and you have to go with it. You have to do what you have to do to keep your ship afloat. Don't put yourself in a situation where too much can go wrong and then you have an unnecessary mess to clean up.

You steer the ship! They are not in your shoes.

Possibly they think it's bad form to inform you of a death by text and they want to tell you via phone. Why don't you text back that you learned he has died, and you are sorry that neither of you are able to attend a service. You may not hear from them again!