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I'm an anti phone call person, myself. I've told more than a few people that I'm not taking additional phone calls right now because I need to keep the phone free in case the facility calls (a little white lie), but I encourage emails.
All families are different; we’ve chosen a path that won’t work for others. But as a 82 year old, with some memory issues myself, I’ve let my family know I want the truth.
I wouldn't even tell her about her brother's passing. She has dementia and it's advanced enough that she's living in memory care. Out of sight, out of mind. Telling her would be harmful. It may even cause a setback in her independence level. That just makes the job of the people who care for her even harder.
I had an elderly, near invalid client who was all but out of it with dementia. When her husband died she was told. This set her back badly for close to a week. Before this shocking news she was still feeding herself and able to drink from a sippy cup independently. Then she wasn't. Her caregivers all agreed that if she asked about him we would say he was in rehab because he fell. Or that he was at work. We did fine with this. She did not attend the funeral service because she couldn't. We asked that people not 'offer their condolences' to her because she'd be hearing it for the first time. Most people who visited respected this. A few didn't and it just made out job harder.
Don't take your mother to the funeral or even tell her. If your cousin or anyone gets insistant explain to them that she has dementia and is living in a memory care facility.
Tare care x
Those dealing with memory issues are already living a nightmare on a daily basis...so I've chosen to try to make each day the BEST it can possibly be for my mom. My mom handled the funeral arrangements for her mom (my grandma) years ago...but these days...we talk as if my grannie is at home cooking her infamous Bohemian desserts, etc. I refer to my grandma as if she is still alive and mom doesn't know any different. Why would I need to 'remind' her that her mom died several years ago? It would hit her like it just happened yesterday. Then tomorrow, it would do the same thing.
So when mom asks if I've been by to check on grannie, I say, "mom, grannie is doing fantastic!!", and I can tell that makes mom feel very comforted.
So, I guess you'll need to weigh the fact that your mom has been estranged already for over five years with her brother...and discern if it would be worth her emotional stability to tell her or just not mention it at all and allow her to continue in her 'world' as it is now.
As for the estranged family members...I'd simply say that at this time, there is no way your mom can travel six hours round-trip...it would be simply too taxing on her mental and physical state. They will have to get over it. If your mom was that important to her...they wouldn't be estranged from her in the first place.
Again, this may all be wrong...but I place top priority on the individual dealing with memory issues as their world has already been turned upside down and continues to be on a daily basis...so it boils down to what would benefit your mom the most.
If she would have been very close with her brother it may be completely different because weighing the emotional turmoil she would have to go through would be more justified if she had a close, loving relationship with him.
Just my $.02
Call cousin's wife and tell them that mom is in memory care and will not be able to attend the funeral. Send a very nice letter and card extending condolences from you and your mother. If you feel the need to do more: give money to a charity. You can always attend the funeral if you so desire, but there really is no obligation. Remember that funerals and memorial services are to help the living not the dead.
You do not have to make yourself or your mother uncomfortable for these people.
I pray you will not do this which could greatly harm your mother and/or yourself. Just tell everyone you love them, but that you have prayerfully made this decision, that the decision is final, and that it is not up for discussion. (Setting your boundaries.)
Sending prayers for you to stand strong and be bold and courageous with God’s help.
You are doing your mom and yourself no favors and NO you are not being cold hearted but understand the REALITIES of your mom's life quality.
If your cousins and other family members don't understand Shame on them.
Also I know with covid being around I would keep my mother away from it all. My BIL passed away and we went to the funeral it was a covid spreader about 24 of the people there got covid. My husband and I were the only ones that were masked and everyone said something smart to us.
Protect your mom, keep her calm, Prayers
“I’m unable to take calls as it’s difficult to talk due to my recovery status. I’m aware Uncle Has passed. I will update Mom IF her Memory/dementia status makes it sufficiently acceptable and safe to do so.” Please accept my condolences on your loss. Please text me if I’m missing any important/necessary information.
they've experienced a loss, you clearly have not. But totally blocking them could cause confusion and problems for them if there is a property or will issue. It also could cost them and you money/time later as POA if you ignore the situation. Unfortunately you DO have responsibilities if this is the case
you should not get overly involved, or attend funeral but being rude to the cousin you’ve never met seems a bit too much.
good luck.
What caused the estrangement between your mom and her brother? Could the misunderstanding be a result of her dementia. Could it be that he also suffered with dementia?
He and his family may have been very involved with his health these last 5 years.
When did Social Services leave the note from your uncle's wife?
Could it be that they are as perplexed wondering why your mom never asked if he may have lost the ability to keep in touch with his sister?
Your cousin's wife tried reaching out to your mom to, presumably you say, let you know that he died and, should we presume, when the funeral is and that presumably he may have left a letter for a her.
To answer your question, from someone who knows about estrangement, civility is in order.
You presume they want her to come to the funeral. You can say, "I'm sorry for your loss. I know that you couldn't have known this but mom has been living in a MC facility". If they are thinking people, and possibly people who have just been through 5 years of the same, they won't ask you to hassle your mom with such an ordeal of not only a 3 hours trip, but good people also understand the prep that's involved which is also a huge thing.
No, it has nothing to do with being cold. It's a tremendous inconvenience to your mom.
If your mom is aware, don't keep reminding her, but if it would please her make a temporary little shrine of maybe a photo, a baseball cap of his favorite team, and a battery powered candle. Say something about him like "boy was he a good grill master" or say nothing but hug her. and know you did your best to have her believe there's even a pretend shared feeling.
If you communicate via phone, take a deep calming breath and put yourself in peaceful frame of mind and say to yourself that as a grand gesture on your part you are responding at this very sensitive time for them. Be careful not to respond to more than what they politely, say, ask or comment on. Don't be curt. You are unflappable. Not all comments must receive a response. Have go-to civil responses (even if it eats up your guts) like. "I'm sorry to hear that". and "I understand" and "It's too bad" and "It's too bad we can't, but I know you can understand". And when they say please let us know if there is anything we can do, thank them. Be a calm giant looking down on the situation.
You may find out something important, even if it's only to know that all along you've been right and they re-enforce all your decisions to self-protect.
As for taking her to a funeral 3 hours away -- can she make a long trip like that? Assuming you'd probably have to spend the night, so would hotel room create more confusion. You know her limits at this point. Does she talk about the brother, does she still have good short term memory (would she remember if you told her that brother died, would she remember why she's in a car going for a 3 hr drive, would she remember the brother's family)? If it will just cause her confusion and she never asks about brother anyway, then forego the trip. But, there should be nothing stressful about calling the cousin back and telling them mom in memory care and unable to make a long trip. Period. Since they reached out to tell you about brother, you can be considerate enough to tell them about your mom.
I don't think this really has anything to do with boundaries being overstepped - just a phone call to exchange info. Perhaps it's more about built up anger of caring for your mom with no help. And if they live 3 hrs away, there was probably little they could have helped with anyway. With mom in memory care, I can only hope you have some relief and more freedom without the caregiving role and can now conduct visits as a daughter.