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You are doing your mom and yourself no favors and NO you are not being cold hearted but understand the REALITIES of your mom's life quality.
If your cousins and other family members don't understand Shame on them.
I pray you will not do this which could greatly harm your mother and/or yourself. Just tell everyone you love them, but that you have prayerfully made this decision, that the decision is final, and that it is not up for discussion. (Setting your boundaries.)
Sending prayers for you to stand strong and be bold and courageous with God’s help.
You do not have to make yourself or your mother uncomfortable for these people.
Call cousin's wife and tell them that mom is in memory care and will not be able to attend the funeral. Send a very nice letter and card extending condolences from you and your mother. If you feel the need to do more: give money to a charity. You can always attend the funeral if you so desire, but there really is no obligation. Remember that funerals and memorial services are to help the living not the dead.
Those dealing with memory issues are already living a nightmare on a daily basis...so I've chosen to try to make each day the BEST it can possibly be for my mom. My mom handled the funeral arrangements for her mom (my grandma) years ago...but these days...we talk as if my grannie is at home cooking her infamous Bohemian desserts, etc. I refer to my grandma as if she is still alive and mom doesn't know any different. Why would I need to 'remind' her that her mom died several years ago? It would hit her like it just happened yesterday. Then tomorrow, it would do the same thing.
So when mom asks if I've been by to check on grannie, I say, "mom, grannie is doing fantastic!!", and I can tell that makes mom feel very comforted.
So, I guess you'll need to weigh the fact that your mom has been estranged already for over five years with her brother...and discern if it would be worth her emotional stability to tell her or just not mention it at all and allow her to continue in her 'world' as it is now.
As for the estranged family members...I'd simply say that at this time, there is no way your mom can travel six hours round-trip...it would be simply too taxing on her mental and physical state. They will have to get over it. If your mom was that important to her...they wouldn't be estranged from her in the first place.
Again, this may all be wrong...but I place top priority on the individual dealing with memory issues as their world has already been turned upside down and continues to be on a daily basis...so it boils down to what would benefit your mom the most.
If she would have been very close with her brother it may be completely different because weighing the emotional turmoil she would have to go through would be more justified if she had a close, loving relationship with him.
Just my $.02
Tare care x
I wouldn't even tell her about her brother's passing. She has dementia and it's advanced enough that she's living in memory care. Out of sight, out of mind. Telling her would be harmful. It may even cause a setback in her independence level. That just makes the job of the people who care for her even harder.
I had an elderly, near invalid client who was all but out of it with dementia. When her husband died she was told. This set her back badly for close to a week. Before this shocking news she was still feeding herself and able to drink from a sippy cup independently. Then she wasn't. Her caregivers all agreed that if she asked about him we would say he was in rehab because he fell. Or that he was at work. We did fine with this. She did not attend the funeral service because she couldn't. We asked that people not 'offer their condolences' to her because she'd be hearing it for the first time. Most people who visited respected this. A few didn't and it just made out job harder.
Don't take your mother to the funeral or even tell her. If your cousin or anyone gets insistant explain to them that she has dementia and is living in a memory care facility.
All families are different; we’ve chosen a path that won’t work for others. But as a 82 year old, with some memory issues myself, I’ve let my family know I want the truth.
I'm an anti phone call person, myself. I've told more than a few people that I'm not taking additional phone calls right now because I need to keep the phone free in case the facility calls (a little white lie), but I encourage emails.