Should I build an accessory dwelling unit on the property for Mom?

"Short term memory loss which is not dementia or Alzheimer's" makes no real sense to me, and, in reality, makes no difference WHAT it's called or what it's attributed to. Short term memory loss is THE worst type to have b/c it interferes with every single aspect of daily life. This is the type of memory loss that makes an elder refuse to take a shower b/c she can't remember the STEPS involved in taking a shower. Literally. Or has her leaving a pot on a red hot burner for hours b/c she forgot she was cooking. Memory loss like this doesn't get better, unfortunately, and with time, she'll need to stop driving and won't likely be able to live alone in this ADU you want to build for her. Then what?

You also mention mom is needing help with finances plus you are seeing a decline in other areas like food choices & home care, etc. This does not bode well for her future and wanting to live alone, it really doesn't.

FWIW, my mother has advanced *and diagnosed* dementia and still knows she's forgetting things and losing her mind! Doctors who make diagnoses on patients without doing any formal testing are just guessing.

I would get your mom formally tested for cognitive impairment (which is NOT just normal aging OR depression) before you go building ADUs or making any life changing decisions on her behalf. You need to know what you are TRULY dealing with in regard to her mental health. If she is really depressed, fine, then her doctor should be writing her a script for anti-depressants and then, according to his assessment, you should see an improvement in her memory AND in her general behaviors. My mother has taken the max dose of Wellbutrin since 2011 and while it hasn't done a darn thing for her memory, it has improved her overall mood. Exercise also helps with endorphins which elevate one's mood as well.

You can never really go into elder care with your eyes open. There's just too many unknowns that blow up in our faces along that journey, to be perfectly honest. Building an ADU in the yard sounds scary to me for a few reasons; being that close is potentially problematic, imo, and having mom further decline cognitively can leave you with an empty ADU and her living back in her house which you've now moved into. You just don't know what the future holds. But at least with a cognitive exam out of the way, you'll KNOW what you are or aren't dealing with on the dementia scale.

I'd never knowingly sign up to be a caregiver for life to my parents, especially if dementia was at play b/c there is just TOO MUCH involved with it. My mother went from a vibrant and mouthy woman with a ton of outspoken opinions to a wheelchair bound, incontinent, illness ridden person who's a mere shell of who she once was. She can't even understand the English language anymore and tries to speak to her grandson when I show her a video of him on my phone. She thinks he's there in the room with her. No lie. Ergo my point to KNOW what you're dealing with here BEFORE you make any big decisions. Memory Care Assisted Living (where my mother lives) has been a life saver for both of us, literally. I have no idea where I'd be without it. She was diagnosed with progressive dementia via a MoCA exam (15 minute oral test with one drawing to do by hand) in 2016. By 2019 she had to go into Memory Care.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward, however this all turns out.

What is your exit plan, if this doesn’t work? Mixing money usually makes hard decisions even harder. Your mother currently owns the property. Is it to be transferred to you? Depending on local laws, if the ADU is a ‘fixture’ to the land, it becomes part of the property, so belongs to your mother. Will you need a loan to build the ADU, and how will you do that if M owns it? What security do you have for the money you will put in? If property values go up, how will that affect you once you have sold your own house? Will you have a financial POA in place before your mother loses legal capacity? Does M have a will (and remember that wills can be changed, and often are in old age).

Perhaps most importantly, do you have other family members who may question some of the transactions involved? Mother at 82 may be happy about this now, but many elders start to make allegations of theft, fraud, breach of contract (legal or just implied), and other nasty things as they get a bit older. If there are other family members who have dipped out financially over this, you need to think about protecting yourselves and mother if things change in the future.

PS If this all seems too pessimistic, remember that lawyers are trained to look for problems. If nothing goes wrong, you can do it all with a smile and an airkiss. But you can’t fix problems after they’ve happened.

No-one has a crystal ball - certainly not me!

But facts help plan. I would get as many facts on her memory problems as you can. Memory exam sound scary but can be a good baseline.

If Mom loves the property, moving to a smaller space may be just what she needs. Helping her retain what independence she can with a smaller space to manage. But be warned.. depression is sneaky, it comes with you wherever you go.

I think regardless of the specifics - the usual aging stages are moving from Fully Independent to Semi-Dependant. This will be an adjustment for all of you.

Mom's comments about never going to 'assisted living' are probably based on fear of the unknown + based on her current way of living + not wanting to change. Understandable.

Alas, we all DO change as we age.

When we need more help to live our life - we need assistance ie 'assisted living'.

That may be in a residential care facility or provided by family/+ aides in a home environment.

This could be your ADU... Where Mom lives but you provide all the assistance.

Just keep in your mind that if/when her needs exceed what you can do, you hire help, or consider alternatives too - as lone caregivers burnout.

Best of luck with your decision.

My Mom has vascular dementia and at the earlier stages, she was well aware that she was losing her memory, as it has progressed, she's forgotten that she's forgetting. I'm betting that it was a gp who made the assumptions without tests that it must be depression.
before you build have a full work up on your Mom done. Find out what you are likely facing in the future.... also the mini mental test is not a true test for dementia it is used to find a baseline.
Smart demented people can loose a LOT of themselves and still pass with flying colors. And Less intelligent might fail but not have dementia at all.

good advice from many here. Just keep in mind they can get really mean, accusatory and even violent. Mine begged me to pay off her mortgage so she would have more money to live on. She would get to live in the house and I would pay all expenses. I became the owner of the house so she wouldn’t have to deal with upkeep, taxes, etc. My siblings were good with it and did not want to “go in on it” with me. It was actually a big burden for me but I did it to bring her peace of mind and relieve her financial stress. I never thought she would get dementia as she was always a very strong willed and independent person. She was also always a narcissist, but was tolerable. Everything started getting worse - thought it was just her narcissistic personality disorder blowing up (which is part of it) but she ended up very confused and unable to live alone. She had to go to assisted living which I actually now pay for - way more money than I can afford - it is basically my retirement money. She became very mean and accusatory. Even physically violent - tried to take my car keys and nearly pushed me down the stairs. Now she accused me of stealing from her. Apparently this is not uncommon. But if you - like me - thought or think your mom is going to get sweeter with dementia - think again. Doing anything for my mom turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

My husband and I own the big house and land. My mother sold her house and we used some of the funds to build a granny flat for her 18 years ago, as we started having children. She grew up on a farm and hated the idea of downsizing to a city high rise.

Odd behaviour started 10+ years ago. I took over her finances, meds, etc. But she was certain her mind was absolutely fine. She expected to rule the roost.

She’d come over as I was getting the kids ready for school, eat their breakfasts and complain that I wouldn’t sit and chat and eat with her. I was busy trying to make sure nobody missed the bus! (and had something to eat) She wanted to visit THEN and was angry about the school bus’ timing.

She’d invite friends to her home and bring them into my home when they were hungry.

She’d accuse us of stealing everything she misplaced.

She’d de-clutter her house by entering my house when I was out, covering my kitchen and dining room tables with stuff.

She’d chastise us for being out too late.

She’d think our cars were someone else’s and accuse us of secretly entertaining without her.

She’d be certain each and every one of our guests really came to visit her, not us, and interrupt as we hosted.

She’d come over gunning for a fight about something - anything - if she was in a bad mood.

She’d come into our house and go through our things.

She’d pound on our bedroom door as we slept, yelling about some perceived slight, regardless of the time of day or night.

As she worsened and she had to admit she was declining, she’d rage, accusing me of causing it.

She expected 24/7 access to me. We tried in-home care for a few months but she raged and tried to block the PSW from entering. I was to do everything for her.

Those are just a few examples. We have no family history of dementia. Hers came as a shock and the stress of caring for her nearly killed me.

It might be a great arrangement for both of you. Or you may find yourself tethered to an angry, delusional, demanding stranger literally 24/7.

One final thought: please consider a 2nd medical opinion.

Great idea . Yes . More people should do this .

Both my parents had dementia and no one else in either of their families did before. I don't think you can rely on your mother not getting dementia because no one else in the family did. Mother continued to pass the memory test quite well even though her behaviour had changed in some ways. It was only diagnosed after extensive testing ordered by a geriatric psychiatrist. The disease did progress until she lost her mobility and needed care in facilities.

I'm not saying your mother has it, or will get it, or some other care- intensive disease, but that you are riding your whole plan on the presumption that she will not progress to dementia or something else, and I don't think you have adequate knowledge of that.

In my view, your plan should include the possibility of her needing more care at some point - maybe a back up plan to that effect. Be sure you calculate the cost, in all senses, of that possibility. Many people as they age need more and more of the kind of care that would strain the situation you are setting up.

I am 84 and still drive, and live alone and am not depressed though I don't go out much - in fact very little compared to what I did. There are other ways to engage with people. eg. using the internet. I agree with glad that "She lives alone in a large home, and as a result, her short term memory is fading." is not likely the cause and effect here. Therefore, the solution is not necessarily to move her to a smaller home where she has more people contact, as desirable as that may be from several points of view.

If I were to start losing my memory quickly, I would want my loved ones to have me very thoroughly assessed before making any major changes in anyone's living arrangements.

Having said all of that I wish you the very best in what lies ahead. Aging is not easy for anyone. ((((((hugs)))))

When you casually say, "We also know that by doing this, we will be signing up to be her caregiver for life. We just want to make sure we are going into this with our eyes open."

I suggest you read several posts that in the Burnout / Care Topics section because *no one* can ever really imagine how intense the caregiving may get. If she eventually becomes bed-ridden then she will be totally isolated in the ADU and you will be tethered to her. You may eventually need to hire a night nurse for 24/7 care.

One very good benefit of a care community is the exposure to people and activities: as much or as little as she desires. My 87-yr old MIL is in LTC in a great facility and is bed-ridden but certainly enjoys the people popping in and out of her room and being wheeled to events and activities, and having visiting musicians and comfort pets come in. She would be getting 0 of that in our home. At your home, you will eventually be your mom's entertainment committee. And, once her memory declines further, she won't remember that you just took her for a day out or played cards with her or that she just ate lunch. She will not be able to keep herself busy (and out of trouble) or she will just be watching tv. Again, I have nothing against in-home hands-on care but -- yes -- you do need to go into it with your eyes very wide open. Pay close attention to what is written to you in response to your question.

I think you have been given some very good information here. I am going to add;

1. See an Elder Law Attorney, (already mentioned)

2. Your Income Tax advisor,

3. Establish some boundaries. For example, don't just walk into each other's house without knocking. My mother's lack of boundaries helped break up my last marriage.

4. What about furniture, silverware, knickknacks. You will be moving into HER house she almost has to have feelings about what is in it. How will she feel when you paint the front room a color she hates?

5. I am 87 and as all my friends die, many of them younger than me, you do feel depressed, because you are never going to get better, younger, have less pain and wrinkles. This makes me smile at saying one of my girlfriends said. "We always have something to be grateful for, as for me, I am glad wrinkles don't hurt".

6. Will she expect you to be her sole source of entertainment. For example, if you have friends over, will you be expected to include her EVERY time.

It is doable, Personally, it is not for me. I wish you well, and be sure everyone is on the same page on all of these practical matters.