How long can you go on feeling like you're responsible for their happiness (when you give up your own)?

If I had a dime for every time I warned my mother that one of her decisions/choices was going to end badly - and it did - well, I'd be hiring someone to do everything I do and have money left over! When dealing with a self absorbed, stubborn parent who is still competent to make their own choices - no matter how badly you know it's going to work out - all you can do is try to warn them, let things play out, and them decided for yourself how long you want to - or are able to - pick up the pieces and clean up the mess. It's exhausting!

Let it go. At 82, she made a choice. Read about daughters of narcissistic and the weapons of Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Short of nailing the door shut, you could not make her stay. Your mother would take over your entire life, drain you dry and look for your daughter as the next victim without blinking an eye. Let her be happy with her friend.

To find this blog has given me such tremendous relief. I am currently being emotionally manipulated by my mother who has chosen to also try and take down my young daughter with guilt. My mother moved in with us, after practically killing me with guilt, when my dear father passed away. She wanted in our house immediately. Sure, it was ok to leave a perfectly spry and generally healthy husband in rehab before some minor surgery (just because she did not want nursing traffic in the house) but it was not ok for her to stay alone in her own home, once he passed. My husband and I realize now (almost three years later) that she only wanted to move in to ensure that she could still hold court. You see, I think my mom believes she's royalty. Once we moved her in, not one promise of helping us with the home or our children happened. It was all a taking game. Yes, she did gift us some money for the renovations we made to the first floor of our home, but it did not come without strings. I recently had to forcefully ask her to find another place to live. She tried to sabatoge a recent family vacation to Florida claiming she was too weak to take care of the family done. We had to fly in my dear Mother in Law to do the JOB! Mind you, my mom gardens and socializes and drives, etc. and has no mental or truly debilitating physical ailments. At 82 she's in amazing health. Well, long story short - while we were away for a week, she packed up all of her belongings, had them shipped across country to move in with an old friend. She did everything herself, including donating her car!! She left about a week and 1/2 ago and now calls our 14 year old daughter telling her how miserable she is; how much she misses her grandchildren; how she made a mistake; that the two large rooms, bathroom and walk-in closet in the mansion she moved into is not good enough for her. She blames ME for the move stating we should have tried to make her stay. Well, I spent three days begging her to stay and she YELLED at me, telling me she was not interested.

I ask you all, she made the decision correct? Just because I asked her to find her own apartment means that I am at fault for her moving to the mid-west from the east coast? She claims I've ruined her life. My husband says I need to let it go.

Thoughts?

Tessa, it seems to me like we spend our adolescence and early adulthood differentiating ourselves from our parents...learning to do it "our way". When we're forced back into close proximity with them, it raises our hackles because we are so done with their way, their expressions, their perspective. Sometimes just my mom's tone of voice, forget w hat she's saying, makes me want to shoot myself. Thank God for my sister in law who finds her wacky but charming. Hang in!

It's easier said than done. How do you control your emotions is the questions. Some of our Moms can't control their emotions either because they have Alzheimer or some form of dementia. You don't mention how old she. My mom has been living with me for 3 years now (slight dementia 89). For some reason she drives me up a wall. It's like I can't stand her even though I love her. My mother in law lives with me too (94) and she doesn't make me feel this way. My situation has caused problems with my husband who doesn't believe my mom has dementia. To top it off they are both almost deft. My house is a yelling and screaming environment. It's not their fault they can't remember things, but it's my fault I let it bother me. I pray a lot for patience, humbleness and help with my way of handling my situation.

I have something similar with my Dad who complains that he is bored.... my parents are in their 90's and still live in their single family home, no longer drive and walking is difficult. How I wished they would have moved into a retirement village a few years ago, they could have made new friends, and participated in the activities at the facility.

I have to keep reminding myself that it was *their choice* to remain in their home, and they never asked my advice. Thus, with it being *their choice* comes their own responsibility to deal with that choice.... not mine. Maybe after the 1,000 times of repeating that, it will finally sink into my brain because this has affected my health, too.

I watched Queen Victoria's Children, in three parts, on Youtube. I thought it was going to be a historical documentary and was amazed to find it was the story of my family. Queen Victoria seems to have written the guidebook for narcissistic mothers. She had nine children, didn't want them to be friends with each other or have outside friends, infantilized her adult children and held grudges against them for their whole lives concerning events from their adolescence. She had one weapon our mothers never had though. She was queen and would accuse her children of treason if they did anything she didn't like. She micromanaged their lives and even the lives of daughters-in-law, prescribing how many minutes they could go out driving.

I am amazed at how many daughters on this website suffer from this family structure that makes narcissism so easy for parents. If Queen Victoria set such an example, then other families must have felt they had permission and encouragement to imitate her. I am also amazed at how this crap gets passed on from generation to generation with remarkably little change. It's time to move past Queen Victoria.

Anyway if you have time watch Queen Victoria's Children. I got goosebumps from all the flashes of recognition I was experiencing while watching it.

I am an only child and daughter and have a Mother that fits this bill almost perfectly. I cannot seem to do anything right except when she speaks to her doctor. She is 81 and still lives in her own home 5 minutes from me. Her Behavior has become almost like a person with a split personality. One minute very nice and friendly, the next minute mean and nasty. Kind of back stabbing and irrational. I have just started to set up some Boundries but it just tears at my heart. All I can say is that I am thankful to have found this group. Reading your comments and suggestions has helped me realize that I am not alone. Thank you.

In the last week or so I have begun to sound like a broken record because I just keep saying ' this is not my responsibility - it is yours.' Having grown up in a family where it was ' my job' to keep my mother contented, I am finally calling her out on it. Maybe your mother is like mine - I believe that either Narcissist or perhaps Borderline personality runs in her family, and being constantly on edge for keeping things going smoothly has worn me down.
Leave the room when she starts - that's what I have started doing. Good luck

I am a caregiver at work and at home. I work at a St Elizabeth's Mother House. I care for Nuns. I care for a 90 year old who lives up the street from me . I also care for my Mother who had a stroke. Which my last place of work said was only a minor UTI. It is not easy. They play you from all sides. I have many days of just wanting to walk out door and not go back. Then I remember. We are all they have. Their life has become limited. Their friends have gone on or been placed. Even their families have been limited. In last 2 years my Mother has lost 3. A brother and 2 sisters. There will come a time. Maybe now or the near future. Mom or Dad will have to be placed. Make sure that it is staffed and clean. Use your eyes and ears. Read between the lines. At these places. I know it is not easy but hang in there. Loving daughter/ CNA

I am 43 years old an ALL my life I have been taking care of my family.

I remember as a little girl that i had to go on errands to run in here and there cause my Mom either didn't want to or couldn't for some reason that at the time I did not understand.

When I was a teenager I started to drive earlier than 16 back then so i could do all the things that my Mom at the time either didn't want to do or couldn't again for reasons that i did not understand. When i started my dental career and start "my" life my Mom was always MAD at me and caused fueds that again I did not understand why. Then there was in there my ANGRY stages cause i either wasn't allowed to go out with my friends or felt like i couldn't due to my chores and I know that i missed out on ALOT.

Then My sister got sick and had a double transplant and the moment that she received her transplant it was like i was her personal care person that understood what was going on.

Because of my Dental career and who I am I have ALWAYS been interested in medicine. I didn't persue the Doctor I wanted to be cause my Mom stated when I was a senior in high school my Mom said she "hated doctors" and i didn't want her to hate me.

I finally moved out at the age of 26 when i could not stomach and handle it anymore and was MAD at all that i was not allowed to do or couldn't cause their care interferred. and boyfriends not understanding that i sometimes needed their love, care and concern more than another woman because of everything i had and were and would deal with for my famly.

I was the one outside of hospitals and Dr's to decide what my sister needed and when we went to the hospital with her conditions. i would get calls hours of the day and night. I still had a full time job and her care and stuff for Mom and Dad. Boyfriends left me cause my parents' and sisters' needs affected our relationship and their little interferences.

My sister died 13 years ago this coming July 2014. Then Mom's conditions got worse and more limiting partial cause she did not do her part to take care of herself WAY back when partially due to conditons got worse.

I managed to somehow continue being on my own, working full time and side jobs and taking care of them for the past 12 years. During this time Mom has been sometimes in and out of the hospital every 4-6 weeks due to lack of her own care or Dad not doing his part. Again either because he didn't, doesn't understand or want to, sometimes i wonder if he health plays a part.

After the hospital stays she would usually go to a nursing home for rehab physical therapy. Usually people think these places are doing their joband your job as a care giver is supposed to be easier during these times. Sometimes i agree But there have been PLENTY of battes at the nursing homes that i have had to fight that affected care that i SHOULDN't have to fight but did. there have been many times i wondered if a trade of issues had taken place. NO i was no longer involved directly with care but indirectly I still had to be and to sometimes get people JUST DO THEIR JOBS.

On top of dealing with Mom's issues are Dad's health concerncs of 100% blocked carotid artery and COPD and his anger issues. his lack of knowledge and understanding when it comes to the medical aspects. 4 years ago he had bladder cancer and was too sensative for proceedures that he has had to be taken to surgery every 3 months.

I have had failed relationships cause other people say they love you but when it comes push comes to shove they are in it for themselves and really don't care as much as they say that they do. I have lost jobs not directly to family care but probably the depression that i have dealt with and went un- real- noticed or treated. I have health concens now too that cause me t take better care of me otherwise i will be in the same situations as i have already been through with my mother if i don't try to take care of me.

I have a brother that has nothing to do with my parents care cause he does not feel built to handle it. I have also dealt with my anger, resentment and depressionand jealousy that he been able to work and live his life and have 3 marriages.dealing with it all does not happen overnight.

Last May i had to start to pack my 1st home and move to my parents cause i could no longer make it financially on my own. December 2013 my mom came home completely unable to do most things for herself. She is an invalid.

January 2014 i started working from home, taking time out of work for some of the things that i handle with Mom's care on a daily basis like her bed bath, dressing and some meals. We have home health aids but my mother will not always let them do their job. My dad has had to help directly with her care vs just showing up and making himself look like the devoted husband. He has been angry. Partially cause he has to do but also his conditions and being a man and she requires ALOT of care, along with owning a home care of it and himself.

I have been the recipient of hs anger, his not wanting to do, his lack of understanding or wanting to re: all of this and his age. I have had to learn to be a parent and still remain their grown child and mind my place. It doesn't have to be as difficult as they make it due to their stubborness and their wants and desires and lack of acceptance of their past decisions and current conditions.

It helps that people that love and care about me give ME support in their own ways and that is part of them showing they LOVE me. i escape when i can even if i have to lie to get it. i use the time of aids to work and not allow anything to interfere and have learned to sometimes put myself first. i have conversations with my Mom about my physucal conditions so she knows that it is NOT all about her and my Dad and what they want or lack of. Recently i started meditation and i have gained insightful understanding from seeking within. Plus it is a 20-30 min escape for my own peace. As a result i am finding happiness within myself and what i will have left of my life to live and things that i can do then after they are gone.

I'm curious about why you don't trust her doctor...maybe you need to find one youcan trust?

Have you ever stood up her? I have a feeling it might make you feel better, nothing dramatic just "that's a mean untrue thing to say " and exit the room. Also note that antidepressants don't work if not taken consistently. And she clearly needs to be taking them!

I think it's time for you to step back and learn what the word 'no' means. You are not responsible for your mothers happiness anymore than you're responsible for your neighbors. Nobody can guilt you unless you allow it. There's a time to draw a line in the sand and tell people, no matter who they are, in no uncertain terms that no, it's NOT ok to cross it. That time for you is now. If your mom starts the blame game, walk. It's pretty easy. You choose to listen, or you choose not to. Simple.

my own experience is not with a manipulative parent with dementia, but that of one who lived for 13 years with an alcoholic.....I offer my 2 cents worth here because the two are virtually identical...in each case there is the "Look what you made me do!" cry, trotted out whenever the elderly child feels like offloading the blame, or the alcoholic makes yet another horrible dent in the substance of Life.....the permanent attitude of "Make me happy" is another example of what life is like.......giving time to yourself is somehow on the 'forbidden' list, and you are expected to make the abusive member of the party the centre of your universe- as they have.
You have a right to a life- a GOOD life, wherein you don't need permission to exist without the manipulation of others making you depressed, lonely,fearful, and all the other negative elements that their selfishness and self-absorbtion give rise to. I divorced my husband before he crushed my spirit and completely killed my capacity for joy.
It takes guts and singlemindedness to walk away from the tyrant, but until the stranglehold is broken, your soul cannot be free.......love and best wishes from Trudi

The books listed below helped me so much with what you are talking about. Its taken me years to understand why I feel such a guilt and responsibility towards my parents. When I started reading these books it was like a light went off and I felt like I could breathe. Everyone has choices and your mom has choices. The only person you can truly change is yourself and how you deal with the abuse they dish out. You can't change them. But as you change yourself and its hard in the beginning. They will die if you leave...life isn't worth living. You have to keep strong and use this site to know that you are making boundaries and getting healthier for yourself. Nobody can do it for you. I used to think that at some point my parents would wake up and realize what they had been doing to me. Nope. I had to change. With me changing they changed and after time b/c they couldn't push the same buttons the had before. Best wishes! Start doing one think today for youself. A walk, meditate, paint your nails...something. Hugs!

Toxic Parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail: When the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you by Susan Forward
An Adults guide to what’s normal by John Freil
Silently Seduced by Kenneth Adams

overwhelm... I was just thinking... We cut our selves when we are manicuring ourselves at times, so we don't 'feel' guilty about that, eh?... Actually, I've done the same thing to my mom... by mistake of coarse... (maybe we're long-lost twins?)
Rocknrobin, I'm not convinced of the fact that the 'burden' will ever go away... yes, 10 yrs because my brothers won't step up to the plate... We came from a very poor upbringing... My mom did her best... I am empathetic to her... she is my one and only mother that I'll ever have... In saying that... Because of all the 'help' I've been getting here and seeing a counselor and getting out... I think one can start to turn things around (if I wouldn't have sought help, I wouldn't have thought this)... I've started to change 'my' ways and thinking... I'm steppin' out... but, I won't be mean to her and she knows I'll always love her...

Thank you everyone for the very helpful input... After years of being put upon and put down, it did a number on me... I never knew such 'criticism/demeaning' could actually come to destroy a person. I was always a strong person with the exception of my mother. But, now I have learned (the hard way) that you have to protect yourself even from those closest to you that you love. I hope this not only helps me but others out there suffering from the same kind of treatment (which can creep up on you slowly).

Feeling responsible for mom's happiness? It's never going to happen. Go back and read your letter. 10 years? Unless you make yourself give up the burden, it will go on until she passes away.

Yes littletonway you are right just burnt out and being hard on myself. Anyways Heart2Heart we need to be happy for our own sanity so we can be useful to other love ones with boundaries of course. I think Heart you need to take the time and space you need. Even if other people are wanting something from you. I need to work on this also.

Overwhelm....it was an accident...let it go. We are our own worse enemies. You are responsible for only your happiness.

Hi I try to keep my Mom happy but I am not happy gave her a quick back massage today and a pedicure I was doing the toe nails you know how they are yellow and hard and start to grow up and narrow I tried to trim it and ended up clipping my Moms skin and she said ouch then it was bleeding and I felt major guilt and still do fixed her all up with witch hazel and polisporn ointment and band-aids but the guilt is killing me like how could I have done that to my Mom.

Happiness comes from within, people in miserable circumstances can be happy. Rich people in idillic enviable lives can be depressed, as proven by the not too unusual celebrity overdose or suicide.
Lack of companionship can make you depressed, but companionship cannot break depression. No, you cannot entertain her into happiness. Know that and let that guide you in setting boundaries, allow yourself to let go of the guilt.

Fear, Obligation and Guilt do not inspire love, but are the path to servitude and enslavement. Your mother sounds like she is a pro at emotional blackmail. Set some boundaries with your mom and get out of the F.O.G.

How long can you go on feeling like you're responsible for their happiness (when you give up your own)?

Just as long as you are willing to. You are not and never have been responsible for someone else's happiness, but you are entitled to feel that way or not, as you choose.

P.S. you need to start living your OWN life too! Get out and spend time with friends and create your own positive environment which will also work to lessen the effects you feel from your mom's criticisms. You deserve your own happy life!

You were NEVER responsible for your mom's happiness (or lack thereof). Only your mom can make herself happy. You need to work on setting boundaries and when she starts that crap, leave the room and quit taking it. Only stick around and engage with her when she's being nice to you. If you don't "play" she'll have to quit her negative behavior to get what she needs from you. And she needs you!

At this point, YOU have all of the power, only you don't realize that yet. So start with small steps and work on shutting her down when she's being negative/critical towards you. If she doesn't have an audience, her negativity will be floating in the wind for no one to hear. Which is how it should be.

So walk out, leave, but before you do, say, "Mom, you're treating me badly now, so I'm going to leave. When I come back, if you start in, I'll leave again." And stick to it! You can just leave the room or leave your house...whichever works for you. Just don't engage when she starts in on you. Good luck!

I have some of the same issues with my mother. With total strangers, she's fine. But me, I'm the horrible daughter, the one she never should have had, and I'm 'evil' lol. Even when you do what she asks, there is always something I did wrong, or should have done differently. Never a moment of real satisfaction.
Remember, you are responsible for no ones happiness but your own - I really agree with Pam here. Don't let what your mother says get to you -and even if it's hard when your mom convinces you otherwise, you are a good daughter, and you know your intentions are well. :) You don't have to live up to her expectation.

Thank you Epiphany and Pamstegman... She's very difficult to please... 'values' everyone but the 'daughter'... (now that I think about it) I'm the scape-goat... She has antidepressants, but rarely takes them... If I were to get her dr involved, who knows what he would do with her or call... Sadly, I don't trust him or the 'systems'... after my experience with many of her past dr's, I've had bad experiences... If I can't 'do' for her... 'her' way... I'm the 'bad' one... In her eyes mind... I don't know much of anything... She'll always think of me that way... Last night when I covered the plants outside (hard freeze warning) she told me it was crazy... "nothings going to freeze... weatherman are always wrong"... and, apparently so am I... Sorry for repeating myself... and thank you for your advise and encouragement... A parent can do so much damage to their 'childs' mind and heart... But, I haven't given up on myself yet... I keep trying...

We can't be responsible for our elderly parent's happiness. The minute we take that on and begin to think we are is the minute we start to self-destruct little by little. The relationship becomes toxic and we become sick from breathing in the fumes everyday.