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She still plays hymns, having been church pianist for over thirty five years. She relinquished her driver’s license when we moved near our daughter’s family in 2014.
Buck up. With help this can be managed. My feeling about that changes from time to time but realistically we are doing well.
Well one thing I wouldn't do is abandon this friendship. Friendships are ever- changing. Sometimes people say stupid, insensitive things especially people who are very comfortable with each other. It's ok to look at things from a different angle. You still get to do what works for you.
Don't bother with her!
Seven months ago, I found her on the floor, mid-seizure. Overnight, she went from a vibrant, intellectual woman to a scared, angry child who threatened suicide if I didn't bring her home and wondering why I hated her so much to do this to her. God bless my coworkers and my job for indulging my complete despair and tears because I just didn't know what in the hell I was going to do. It took a case manager at the hospital telling me that she would need 24 hour care and that for me to be able to do it, I was going to have to call in every favor I've ever made to everyone I know. The thing is, we live in this city by ourselves. My sisters are two hours away. Mom's many grandkids are scattered around the state. There was nobody to help or pick up the slack. So, I had no choice but to put her in a nursing home. I thought of every option I could and nothing was viable. But, I promise you, if I could, I would bring her back home today. I miss seeing her every day, desperately. I can't imagine how I made it through Christmas without losing my mind
I don't judge what other people do. If you can make it work, keep them at home. If you can't, find the best home you can and hire an attorney to get you started on the Medicaid process. Not everyone has the same kind of parental relationships as the next person. I don't know if I would've done this for my dad. He and I did not get along at all.
Crystal, your friend most likely CAN'T imagine life without her mother right there, as she's always been. She speaks from a place of love when she says she would never put her mom in a nursing home because that's not her reality yet. When, or if, the time comes, she may very well have no choice whatsoever. What she'll need then is compassion and a sympathetic ear from a friend who's walked that path.
Actually mostly I do now.. because they just haven't lived it.
But one time, with a particularly judgemental response, very similar to your friend, using 'loves her Mom SO much' blah blah, I choose to make a point. I picked that apart in 20 straight fire questions. One scenario after another.. By the end the lady had her head on the table, distraught, telling me "There was no other option left! My G*d I would have to put Mom in a home afterall!"
Then I apologized.. it was a silly thing for me to do I suppose - to prove my point. She apologized for being judgemental.
We agreed that you can LOVE someone but also NEED to move them into a care home. That home care is not always possible. Or can work for a time but has a stopping point. She then understood.
I applaud you for doing “what you felt was best” in the position you were in. We assess the situation of our loved ones, we assess our physical and mental status and then we Act.
Why is putting your loved ones in a AL/NH etc…taboo? As sons,daughters, husbands,wives,neice’s,nephews ,
mil/fil, and even parents or grandparents possibly ( of children with disabilities) our duties as such is to give them the care needed, whether we can or can not do it ourselves.
We just assure the care is adequate! Ofcourse no one will love and pamper them as lovingly as we will, but we do our best to assure the care is adequate.
Best wishes💕
What works for one family does not work for others.
Ignore her, or say we are trying to do what we feel best and search situation is different and then let the subject drop.
And when it happens in her family, bite your tongue so you don’t say I told you so.
I think I'd indulge in a bit of 'I told you so' when it happens in her family.
I say the same thing. My mother has knows full well for many years not that if dementia shows up to the party and I am in charge of her care, she will be placed.
If my sibling wants to step up and take over her care, then more power to her. I'm not doing it though.
There are far better alternatives. If and/or when your mother does need additional care please look into home care. Where she can have people come right to her home. She need not loose everything she has just to move into a tiny room. Why do you think people die so soon after moving into these places?
If your mom needs help financially there are programs for that as well. We have one called IRIS that is wonderful.
Please listen to your friend. She is telling you from her heart what she knows is best.
God Bless her for trying to help you understand!
I cared for my mom in my home but I wouldn’t dream of telling others that they are making the wrong decision to place them.
It was extremely hard to be a full time caregiver. I most likely would not do it again.
While it may be difficult, realize her limitations and take her 'ramblings' with a grain of salt - or better yet, dismiss them immediately. She doesn't have YOUR (nor your mom's) best interest at heart. She is limited and thus very ... unsupportive - and appears to want to vent / encourage YOU to feel GUILT (as if she was in your situation, she'd feel guilt making decisions as you are / considering ... so she cannot HELP but dump her guilt on to you).
This isn't a friend.
How would I respond?
This is very personal. She won't 'get it so why waste my time (or yours).
* I likely would stop communicating with her or have very limited interactions and very occasionally (if you want to maintain the relationship).
* You might want to say "this is how you 'feel / think' for your situation; it is not my situation with my mom. We all do what we feel is in the best interest of our loved one ... although you may NOT understand this. And, I accept that you do not understand how I feel, even though it hurts.
I would encourage you:
1. to get new friends (who support you in your situation);
1a. People / friends who DO NOT judge you/your decisions. (She cannot as she isn't developed enough to be able to do this.)
2. stop listening to this person. She will only continually trigger your (vulnerable) buttons at this time - this is painful and difficult for you as it is; you don't need another layer of pain which this person will continue to exude. She doesn't have the psychological / mental capacity to reach beyond her own little world. Feel compassion for her and stop associating with her.
Gena / Touch Matters
You need to stand up for yourself, even if you don't do it vehemently like we are doing for you on this site! You need to - we are here for you. Hugs!
* Confronting sets up an argument of "I'm right" and most importantly "YOU ARE WRONG" when it is about personal values and decision-making. This dialogue won't help either of them.
* When dealing with someone who can't see / feel beyond their own little world, all the talking in the world won't help / matter. It will only cause more upset.