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Since your MIL has dementia you can't really expect her to understand that she needs assistance when you're gone. She's going to be mad. You can't explain to her that life is full of compromises and that if she wants to stay out of a NH then she's going to have to compromise and accept help at home on occasion. We can't reason with someone who is unreasonable.
Your only option may be to just ignore MIL's nasty mood. It's her way of getting you back. Don't try to coax her out of her mood. Don't try to be sweet to her. Don't do anything at all. Let her sit there stewing until she gets tired of it. Just work around her.
Maybe the more you use respite the more resigned to it MIL will be when she realizes that her little attempts at emotional blackmail don't work.
My mother was adamant that no one would 'babysit' her if my sister or I couldn't be there. We, too, blamed it on the doctor, saying he required it for OUR health not her's. Then told her that the person would be her choice not our's, because that person would be for her companionship not our's. We met her for tea, and they got along famously. Mom feels comfortable sharing things with her that she doesn't want to share with my sister or I.
If your MIL opts to have BIL (or his family) visit with her while you are are sporting events, TELL him that is her choice. It must be upsetting to her that they are next door and she never sees them.
My new favorite expression in situations like this is "not my circus, not my monkey". Do what is best for you and your family. Your family being husband and kids.
She is the parent, not a child. Go to her, apologize. Don't be defensive, you simply didn't understand. Listen, explain your concerns, and allow her control over her life. The hardest thing is to let her suffer the consequences of her decisions without blaming yourself. In the 2 and 1/2 years i have given my Dad 24/7 care, I have learned to respect his judgement, and listen to him. Good luck
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