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Your mother like so many of out elders is the one who needs the help. So she has to accept the help on the terms it's offered on or she can go to a Long Term Care facility.
There's a fundamental difference between being a caregiver and being a careslave.
You can be a caregiver by arranging and managing homecare help for your mother. Or advocating for her if she's sent to AL or LTC.
Being a caregiver DOES NOT have to mean you have to do everything literally yourself and with your own two hands. It does not mean that and all these seniors today who think it does, are getting schooled by so many of their Gen X kids like myself.
No matter HOW MUCH I did for my mother, she made sure I knew it wasn't nearly enough. How was I supposed to feel, knowing that? I was supposed to feel miserable and guilty but I didn't. I felt like she was never satisfied, even if I'd managed to put her up in the Palace of Versailles. She'd have complained the gold was tarnished. Not my problem.
In reality, I so wished for parents I felt close to. A mother I was friends with. But she made it impossible. Had we been friends, I'd have been able to see her often or even have her live with me. But the way things were, it was impossible. Due to HER ridiculous behaviors, not mine. We reap what we sow.
Don't internalize your father's issues and make them your own. Do what you can on the day you visit each week, then let it all go till the next visit.
Good luck.
Guilt requires causation. That is to say that guilt means that you cause something by evil intent and you, by evil intent, intend not to fix it.
You didn't cause aging for your parent.
You can't fix aging.
Your parent isn't your responsibility. Your responsibility is any minor children you have brought into this world and are caring for. Your husband who you made vows to.
You are a grownup. Honestly it comes down to whether you will continue to marinate in the past your parent created, or whether you grasp a new and better future. You may need psychological counseling in order to break free of habitual ways of acting and reacting. I highly recommend it. None of this silly online counseling; they get paid nothing and are worth less than that.
Good luck. It's your choice and up to you.
Chronic Stress
A defining feature of dementia caregiving is its nonstop nature. This means that stress never stops, and the hits keep on coming, 24/7.
With each stressful event, the body undergoes physiological changes as it gears up to meet the demands of the situation. After each episode, the body needs time to clear the physiological byproducts of the stress response. This recovery period, and the return to baseline, can take up to several hours.
For a dementia caregiver, however, the recovery period is all but nonexistent. The caregiver often faces a runaway situation, where the body never receives respite long enough to clear the byproducts of stress response and recover fully.
A consequence of this chronic stress is that dementia caregivers are themselves at risk. In one study, caregivers who experienced care-related strain had a 63 percent higher mortality risk than non-caregiving controls. This makes chronic stress a primary concern for dementia caregivers.
Signs of Chronic Stress
· Irritability
· Anxiety
· Withdrawal
· Depression
· Burnout
· Sleep issues
· Trouble concentrating
· Lack of attention to one’s health
Watch Out for Creeping Depression
There’s a short path from chronic stress to depression. The threat of depression should not be taken lightly. Depression is one of the most common conditions afflicting dementia caregivers and may appear at any stage of dementia progression.
What makes depression especially dangerous is the stealth with which it creeps up and engulfs its victims. Often the caregiver is not even aware of depression taking hold, until the process is well under way. By the time they realize what is happening, it’s already too late.
· Task at least one friend or family member who is in regular contact with you to watch you for signs of depression. Have them sound the alarm at the first sign of a problem developing, and when they do, heed their warning.
Signs of Depression
· Persistent sadness and anxiety
· Feelings of hopelessness and despair
· Irritability
· Feelings of guilt and worthlessness
· Loss of interest and enjoyment in everyday living
· Exhaustion and lack of energy
· Problems with concentration and sound thinking
· Sleep disturbance
· Changes in appetite and weight
· Persistent issues like headaches and digestive problems
· Thoughts of death and suicide
Maybe in your next book you'll tell the world of caregivers something all of us don't already know in spades.
Solutions and options are what tired, burned-out caregivers need.
They already know they're tired, depressed, and living miserable lives of drudgery and care slavery.
Here's one way a person can help a caregiver dealing with burnout.
Offer to babysit and elder for a few hours. Bring by a meal for a caregiver. Run an errand for them. Don't forget about them either.
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