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Accusations of stealing, paranoia are pretty typical in dementia, in certain phases. Are you her PoA? Are you keeping a good paper trail of transactions she asks you to make?
If you go to doctor appointments with her ( and somebody should be going with her) talk to the doctor about these symptoms. If she's living on her own, it's clearly past the point that that is safe.
I know it bothers you that she is talking to others. If you know the other people you can let them know what is going on. Chances are that they already know you're not to blame. I know that I recognize fabrications when talking to someone with dementia. I wouldn't worry so much about the people she talks to. All you can do is what is best for her and yourself.
I do wonder if maybe she would do better in assisted living. Living alone may not be so good if her mind is slipping. If you get tempted to live with her, I would say Don't! Her personality sounds like she would be very difficult to live with. (Take it from one who knows. :)
The caregiver is the one who usually gets the brunt of the bad behavior. Your aunt is able to put on a show for others (the Dr., other family members) but she can't maintain that mask for long. It's called "showtiming" and is a characteristic of dementia. You're around her the most so you see her when that mask slips.
As for the late night calls, that's what voicemail is for. If it is indeed an emergency your aunt will leave you a voicemail and you can call her right back if you want to. It's OK to ignore her call if she's calling too late and it's not an emergency.
Educate yourself and others on dementia. What you shared in your post are classic signs of dementia. Caring for someone with the disease is very, very difficult as you've experienced and it only gets worse in time, never better. It might be a good idea to come up with a Plan B if you ever get to the point where you don't think you can handle it anymore.
Unfortunately, like many of us, you are in " waiting" mode. Something will happen, a fall, a fire, or she'll go running into the street and EMS/ APS will get called. Start looking around at Assisted Living places so you have an idea of what's available when the time comes, what services they provide and what the costs are.
Are you going to be one of the heirs?
What is going to happen if/when she needs more help and she refuses to go to Assisted Living? What are you going to be able to do?
I am also involved in a situation where siblings are acting like I am stealing from parents, when I have been paying their many bills. Also getting tired of defending from ridiculous accusations. I believe the legal name is slander.
You can forgive someone with dementia, but a lot harder to forgive deliberate hatefulness.
BostonGrammy I would tell you to make notes of every purchase with the receipt, and if there was a repairman who might have seen the bad shape of ther refrigerator, a statement might help - but my goodness it's not YOUR refrigerator so what good do they think it would do you?
What about your father's will? Having his POA and healthcare proxy will not protect you from having to sell the home if it is one of your father's assets to be divided up between you and your siblings (unless you can buy them out). I don't mean to be so blunt about it however money does very strange things to people. You've already seen a minor version with the $4,000.00 your brother had your father open the separate account with. You might consider checking with the bank to see if you could put a restriction on the accounts for checks or withdrawals over a certain dollar amount - your discretion - that would require a double signature. I'm not certain if that is possible or not however it is worth a call to the bank(s).
Keep the faith! Both you and BostonGranny are doing your best for your loved ones! The complainers and whiners can step up or step out!
I know it is skirting the truth but it is so much better than dealing with her accusations. She doesn't get upset or angry anymore which is better for her health because besides dementia she has had 1 moderate stroke & 1 TIA & I worry the she'll have a stroke when she is on a 'tear'.
To GIVEAHUG - any reno will only increase house value & is protecting that investment until the day it needs to be sold so tell everyone else it is investing in future. Even things for disabled will make your dad's home more valuable because more & more baby boomers need those 'extras' not in most homes.
How ever if you are doing some of the work yourself [like painting] keep a log to so what you are doing with before/during/after pix. If someone from family actually come to help too [lol] log & pix them too plus all workers hired to keep a full record. Bonus will be that should help any warrenty that comes with reno but afterwards breaks down/causes problem - I have even gone outside & took a pix of licence plates of workmen. Stops 'I don't have a record of who did it' from management.
Good luck we all have family to juggle. I copy all emails to myself if I deal with family to have a record. I also send a report on medical issues with date, outcome, dr's name, address & phone number to other family members. I also get to have that report to refer back to if needed.
you should remember you must take of yourself .... a wise person told me 'it is selfish of you to not keep up with your own health & well being' meaning what would happen to your loved if you were taken very sick & in hospital or worse died ....... how often have you heard about the caregiver dies before the one needing care] - you need to save for your own old age too so do NOT deplete your chance of a gracious old age to pay for someone who was not careful of their's if that is the case - mom fortunately saved regularly
Another wise person told me to never to learn to give mom her insulin - the gov't agency will not give as much help if you are taking on that burden but then we live in Canada so much of that is covered if you can't do it yourself - thanks to the medical coverage we get [we don't understand americans who are against this]