Please don’t think I am the worst daughter on earth...

Please stop blaming yourself! " If I am not for myself, who am I? If I am only for myself, what am I? And, if not now, when?!" (Ancient scholar, Hillel)

As a caregiver it's ok to say You can't do it anymore!!!! Your marriage and your health comes first. Try looking into an assisted living facility for him. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! A lot of time the person outlives the caregiver because of stress..which may cause other conditions. This forum has taught me so much!!! We are currently looking for an assisted living facility for my mother-in-law who has dementia. She's lived with my husband and I for a year and we're burned out!! It's ok to say you can't do it anymore!!! Wishing you the best!!

Hi, I had written to you abt being in the same situation. Since then I went and toured Sr living communities and it was the best thing I ever did. I had the help of a sweet lady named Tracey in finding places in our town w pricing and setting up tours. She is an advisor that I found while I was looking into places and she was a blessing in helping me. I talked w my dad and gave him the information to look over and totally caught me off guard, he was excited abt having a place that offered all his meals, being in his on place safely and being around other seniors! I was very scared to bring it up and now I’m so very happy that he is happy. If you would like Tracey’s number I would be glad to send to you. After talking with her I felt so much better in my hunt for the perfect place for my dad that was affordable and offered so many services for him. So with that being said don’t wait as long as I did and start exploring your options. Good luck and God Bless you for wanting to do what is best for your dad and your family!!

You are young,and I appreciate you for trying. Please do not hate yourself. You have to build your life as well as try and take care of your father. Yes a facility would be best because the stress of taking care of a newborn and your father is daunting. If there are good facilities near your residence or in your county , than go for it. He may kick and scream now, but he will probably enjoy the company of others in his age group and the interaction with your family on visits. Go for it for your life and new family. You know you did your best and that's all that matters.

Natalie...what if...you were to explore options, before you spoke with your father. See what available options exist closest to your home...pros and cons of each. Being close, but not in your home. Then, along with your husband, present two or three options to your father. Explain you love him dearly, want him nearby but long for the opportunity to raise your family without worrying about him every minute. Perhaps ask if he would have liked his folks or inlaws living with him and your mom when he was your age. Tell him you love him very much, would see him often but its time he leave the nest and you will be gently nudging him out but not too far away. Tell him you know how much he loves you and how confident you are he would totally "get it"..try to be light hearted and reassuring.

Hi,
I don't think you're a bad daughter. I couldn't do it either, and I don't even have little ones at home. All of your dad's habits that you're describing are typical of people in the early stages of dementia. Behavior changes, mood swings, and the loss of social graces are all fairly common signs.

We moved my dad to an assisted living facility three years ago. He's 91 now. He didn't think he would like it, and the first three days, he was adamant that he couldn't live there, but I asked that he give it a try for a couple months and promised that he could move back to his home if he didn't like it. He loves it there now. I think living in his own place gives him a sense of agency, because he has his own apartment and can make decisions about what he wants to do-- but it's all within a safe environment with professional staff.

He goes on outings and enjoys all the daily activities the facility offers, including exercise classes, concerts, movie nights, and field trips to baseball games, museums and art exhibits. Even though he has dementia, he has met a great group of new friends, all his own age, and he has an amazingly rich social life for someone with Alzheimer's. The facility keeps him busier than I ever could. If I had known he would be so happy there we would have forced him to move sooner.

Maybe if you approach it as a temporary solution like I did, your dad will agree to go along with it for a few months. Moving him now, before baby comes, makes a lot of sense.

Not everyone can live with their elderly parents - it is time for him to move out of your house when you say so - you have enough on your plate now - give dad 2 weeks to find something & sign a lease otherwise you will do it for him - then 30 days later he should be gone -

It isn't good for either you or your new baby to be under such pressure - your highest duty is to your infant not to your dad who is manipulating you so he doesn't have to lift a finger - there is no reason why he can't help you out around the house - like folding towels or washing a few dishes which is reasonable

Your dad can but doesn't do things for himself - if he hadn't hoodwinked you into becoming his personal slave/valet/dog's body you wouldn't feel this way - why would he want anything to change because HE'S GOT IT SO GOOD NOW

When it gets to the fact it is hurting your marriage and you have a family and another on the way, I believe it is time y our reach out for finding a place or getting another relative. Your father should understand and not want you and your husband health to go. The guilt should not be on you and calling some one for a place for dad or getting a regular caregiver. Also talk to the Dr and maybe he can be prescribed something for you father in the meantime. You have given your all and plus to your family. Love does not mean that your have to carry this thru. He
may not like the change but he will settle in somewhere and you can come to see him. There is many avenues for Seniors these days.
I had to quit with my husband after 30 years and last 5 years of taking care of him. A serious situation came up and now I am with my daughter and getting around I just could not continue any more.

Dear Natalie,
Firstly, you are "not" the worst daughter in the world. You are young, married with a toddler and have another babe in the oven. Living with someone whom has alzheimers or dementia is stressful enough as it is. With the added variables of a young family with very young children, it's a recipe for disaster. You are most justifiably frustrated and stressed out.

My mom was diagnosed with dementia last October. I took her to the movies and when we came out, I realized that she was saying things that did not make sense and, she thought I was her sister. I took her to the emergency room in a neighborhood hospital when her primary physician could not see her fast enough and, after running several tests, they concluded that she suffered a few minor strokes, which affected her brain.

I moved mom in with me in March of 2018 (from Miami to NY), after my dad passed away in October of 2017. My husband passed away from a massive heart attack in 2014 and my only sibling and older brother died in a motorcycle accident more than 30 years ago. In short, I'm doing a lot of the arranging and caring on my own. It is not easy but it probably would have been more difficult with a husband and children to care for.

I basically started reading a book on how to recognize and respond to certain behavioral traits, retained an attorney to help me obtain Medicaid for mom because I needed to get things done properly, as I arranged for an aide and put things in place for mom. I was on FMLA, which is an unpaid leave that protected my job for 2 1/2 months and I am paying for the aides now until mom is ultimately approved for Medicaid. It is a slow process and, thanks to the attorney, a trust account was established for my mom to ensure her eligibility for Medicaid. He is also doing other things so that my assets are protected in the long run but, for the moment, everything is very expensive.
I'm sorry for turning this into a vent session for me. None of this is easy but, please don't beat yourself up and do what is best for your young family.
Before my mom was released from the hospital, the case worker explained that, dementia progresses with time and my mom may get to the point where she will have to be placed in either a home or hospice. She warned me that my loving mom "may" end up not liking me very much but that some day, she would know that I did my best and what was in her best interest.
There is one other thing in my situation and that is that the EKGs performed while in the hospital revealed that she has a nearly sealed blockage of calcium deposits in the main valve to her heart. Because of her advanced age (85) and the dementia, she is not a candidate for surgery - the anesthesia alone could take her. So, I'm basically living with a ticking time-bomb that just happens to be my mom. Please don't misunderstand, my situation is not worse than yours - simply different and, none of this is easy.
I hope something of what I've written here is of help and or of use to you.

Hi Natalie,

Dont be so hard on yourself...you’re at the worst stage of pregnancy and things probably seem worse than ever.

But what comes next? Three months of sleep deprivation with new baby! Are you planning to breast feed? If so, you’ll want more privacy and the freedom at home to nurse without worry.

Just to play devils advocate I suggest you consider, once you get dad to take care of himself, if dad can help with the toddler when new baby comes. He may be able to pick up some slack for you.

Al-in-all you have to do what’s best for you in order to be a good care giver or a mom and no one is criticizing you for it. Just shut up that inner voice in your head, because I suspect that’s what’s making you feel bad.

Good luck,
charlotte

You poor thing! What a bind to be in just when you're awaiting the arrival of baby #2. I can't offer you any ideas that are different from the excellent advice provided by others on this wonderful site. I can, however, offer you sympathy. My mom moved in with me and my two children (12 and 17) right after I divorced. For 5 long years, I waited on her, chauffeured her, entertained her, cooked and cleaned for her. Toward the end of the 5 years, it was evident that dementia had a strong hold on her; she began to hallucinate and wander. Wouldn't do a thing for herself. I had to make the decision - with the help of one of my siblings - to put her in memory care. I felt guilty too - I know what you mean. It broke my heart, but the relief of not having to provide 24/7 care and being able to concentrate on putting my life back together and supporting my kids was immense. She seems to have forgiven me and I'm sure your dad will too. Maybe enlist the help of a family member or close friend to help talk him into the move. He might actually enjoy being with folks his own age. You might remind him what a lot of attention a new baby needs and that you won't have as much time to spend caring for him as well as two small children. Good luck to you, dear. I do understand how painful this is for you. Let us know how it goes.

If your husband and you are in agreement, then I think you need to sit down with him, explain that you don't have the space with a growing family and need time and the ability to leave your own lives. Tell him you love him, but need your own space and to live your own lives. Then tell him you understand it is a bit of a shock to spring on him so perhaps you can sit down and discuss his thoughts in a couple of days.

This is what happens to "only kids"-I know, I am one going through this with my mom. There is a reason why children leave the nest---we all need our own lives and spaces.
With the new baby coming, it's the right time to get him to another living situation. Remember, he's had his life or at least 85 years of it. You and your husband and kids are just starting yours.
Mark65 is right about finding a geriatric manager. That should help you navigate the change and decrease any guilt.
My best to you.

Oh my goodness.....33??!!! A child??!! Another one on the way??!!!

Guilt meaning: noun
1.
the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.
synonyms:culpability, guiltiness, blameworthiness, wrongdoing, wrong, wrongfulness, criminality, unlawfulness, misconduct, delinquency, sin, sinfulness, iniquity; More

verbINFORMAL

1.
make (someone) feel guilty, especially in order to induce them to do something.

You are not doing anything wrong, or committed a crime. You feel bad you can't do it all. We all get that. But Guilt? Bad daughter?? No way. I have been care giving a very long time....about 12 years. In laws, mom, and now 96 yr old father. He is the sweetest man and I love him dearly but living with him? Been there and done that 9 yrs ago while he was recovering from heart attack. Thought it was going to be for a couple,3 weeks, turned into 6 mos. My whole life was put on hold. My sister (who has since passed) was very little help...ok, none. I stayed at their house and came home on Sat. at first and my sister would take over. Then she decided she just couldn't do it with her job and taking care of her teenage grandson. She had things to do and I didn't I guess. During the time i lived with mom and dad, my mother who had dementia went off the rails since her routine was completely off. She just couldn't understand (or remember) why I was there. I caught her trying to hit my father one time because he wouldn't get up and take her out to eat (which I had just fed them and something she would have never done in her right mind). So I was constantly watching her plus the fact she never slept which meant I never did. Finally I had to place her in a facility. I couldn't handle her anymore and was exhausted by her and my dad. I'm going on too long here but 6 mos. in I had had it. I told him we were going to sell his home and he was moving into an independent living. He didn't want to but he understood that I needed my life back. Luckily my husband was my rock here on earth and never said anything (traveled but would come over every chance he could to relieve me) plus my faith got me through the roughest of times, still does. Here it is 9 years later and I'm still taking care of him. I have moved him 4 times, hopefully this last one just a couple of months ago is the last (group home). I'm still exhausted taking care of him but he has declined so that I need to be in contact with all aids, nurses and drs. I see him almost every day, don't want to but..... Ok, again, sorry this went on way too long. Here are my suggestions: If he can afford it, YOU find 3 assisted living places for him to visit. Have lunch or dinner, yes, they will let you do that. Let him pick which one he likes the best. I went with the one that had the most men. He knows and trusts me enough that I only want the best for him. They have outings just about for everything. Your dad gets 3 MEALS A DAY, some only have 2 but he can fix a bowl of cereal and coffee hopefully, and HOUSEKEEPING. But remember what I started out with: You shouldn't feel guilty, bad? maybe a little until you get him there and get your life back. Good luck and may God Bless you and your FAMILY.

Hi, I completely understand... I am in the same situation and my dad is a super sweet man BUT I am about to come undone! It’s very hard taking care of a parent and we live in a 2 bedroom 1 bath house that is very small and it is very hard. We are in our 50’s and don’t have kids but my life as I knew it is over. In fact I am going to tour an assisted living place today, he has no idea but I am going to look at my options. My mom passed away in 2007 and what is so hard for me is that my parents spent their entire retirement on getting me a place w land bc I train horses. I did not ask for it but they insisted. I was their whole life and this is sad to say but I felt like their puppet when I was young and now I’m in the same situation w my dad. So it really makes it hard and I feel like my hands are tied. My brother passed away at a young age so it’s only me. My husband is great but he understands now how hard it has been for me. I had to send all client horses home bc I wasn’t able to do my job and now I have become a hermit like my dad. He had a bad fall abt 2 years ago so we had to take away his keys bc he wasn’t able to drive anymore so now I have to take him everywhere. I have gone above and beyond for him and I don’t think he sees it or doesn’t want to see it! Don’t feel like your alone bc it is very very hard to be a caregiver and I feel our relationship is horrible now. He never has talked much and not outgoing at all. He can barely walk but now thinks he can do anything, even drive. It is best to have his family Dr tell him it isn’t safe to stay where he’s at and start searching for a place for him. That’s my plan bc if I can find a place affordable where he has the care he needs it would be best for everyone involved. If you don’t it will just get worse for you, your family and your relationship w your dad. I hope this helps and good luck and God Bless!

Consider contacting a geriatric care manager in your area to assist you. They are trained professionals to be your advocate and help support you address the issues. Your local Area Agency on Agency or United Way helpline should be able to provide the referrals.

Some of you have seen me say this before but now youll see it again ...

i just cant understand how any older person wants to live with their kids or stay alone in their house waiting on meals on wheels or grub hub ... or no one ! to talk to.

My husband is like that ... i asked him about going to a car wash at a local assisted living facility to benefit alzheimers and he acted like employees were going to come rushing out with duct tape/wrap him up and take him inside. (Hes only 70 and just retired last year and has no health probs as far as i know.)

Im 78 and work at a call center and look forward to the day when we can live someplace where our apartment is cleaned ... hopefully ... regularly and meals are fixed for us.

(Yes ive eaten several meals there and sometimes my dining partner has been ... a little ... forgetful. But there are activities and van rides.)

my concession is that my daughter lives out of state but im not moving to a facility there ... yet.

anyway ... ive had long term insurance for at least 15 years for both of us and hope its not dropped before we can “enjoy” it.

If a person can afford to live someplace in a nice facility why would they want to live where theres only one person to care for them/waiting alone all day for them to come home/not giving them any privacy and taking away the pleasure of a regular visit instead of the child having daily drudgery.

Selfish/selfish/selfish.

No judging here.  If he has the funds, he should go to some sort of assisted living.  Please find someone who can counsel you on how to explain it to him so he understands that you cannot take care of everyone while no one takes care of you.  It is not a bad reflection on you--you are do a great job taking care of your family but can't do everything.

Hi there, don't feel bad. I know exactly what you are going through. I am not young as you and my dad is 86 and was driving me absolutely crazy still is, but just this last two weeks I moved him in to his own home which he bought ten years ago, but someone thought that he was going to live in my house for free but wants to leave his house to my two other sisters who doesn't absolutely NOTHING for him. He was ruining my marriage. Get him his own place and let him fend for himself. You deserve to be happy and have a great life with your own family. They are selfish and it is all about them. I love my dad but I just had to get him out of my house. All my cousins who NEVER took care of any of their parents before they died want to make me feel like I am a bad person. I have nursed him back to health several times...I cooked, cleaned, wash his clothes handle all his financial affairs...clean up after him when he cannot do for himself.

You did this for three years. I did it for 14 months in my home and I went to NY six (6) times to move him to Florida. Get him his own place!

I hear u and totally agree. It is consuming both mentally and physically. And we are an older couple in our sixties with my mother of 82. She too with dirty habits and constantly complaining about everything. I do have siblings but no one else can handle her.
Dont ruin ur life..u are too young. Maybe trying a respite in an assisted living. But with all u have going on it is not fair to u. He will be fine with other people his age.
Best of luck

Your post and the comments following have helped me realize that I shouldn’t feel guilty about getting frustrated and annoyed at my situation, my mother-in-law has been staying with us for the last couple of months. It is supposed to be temporary but I am constantly wondering what that means. She has some mobility issues but can, for the most part, take care of herself, it it is the little things that eat at you and having her there 24/7 because she would rather watch TV in her room than go to a senior center or anything like that. It’s the feeling like you are on call all the time. I have a 4-year-old that goes to preschool in the mornings, so I used to have some “me” time. Now, even though I may not see her for a couple of hours, just knowing she is there and could appear any minute is annoying. Feeling like I have to be on call physically, mentally, and emotionally. I know part of that is because I am an introvert and I need my space and it doesn’t feel like I can have that now.
And the little things you have to do, clean up what they can’t, make sure things are accessible to them. My mother-in-law is short, so she can’t reach most of our dishes. I have some set aside in a cupboard she can reach, but I feel like it is on me to make sure there are always enough dishes there because, if there aren’t, she doesn’t say anything, she get our Pyrex containers that she can reach which are then unavailable when I need them! I work at home and I had to stop working on a job so I could turn the closed captioning off on her TV.
My husband tries to make sure I have some time to myself and I have been going to see a movie once a week, it it isn’t the same thing. I do feel bad for feeling like I complain a lot and for constantly asking when we are going to have the conversation about how long she is going to be with us.
I think everyone in this type of situation is going to have some sort of guilt over the negative feelings we have, but we have to realize that it is okay and sometimes we need to get out of the situation for everyone’s sake. Just writing this has made me realize that I should probably talk to my husband about getting her out of the house during the week so I can have my own space for just a little bit.
I feel like I am just rambling here because of all the things that I think about that just stress me out about the whole thing.
I wish you luck and hope you know, I am right there, mentally screaming with you.

"A horrible person" you most definitely are not! But his living arrangements must change. That is of paramount importance, else you fall ill.

Hi there,
No matter what, do not feel guilty for having these feelings.
I underestimated the stress and strains of having my father in law move in with us four months ago.
All the reasons you listed are exactly what made me want to scream every day!!!
I gave up trying to get him to use a plate when eating snacks(which he did throughout the day)and tossing his dog(ugh, not dog people, have two cats)pieces of whatever he was chomping on.
I tried to reset everyday and start fresh, but by mid morning I was worn down.
My husband and 20 year college student daughter, were busy with long days at work and school, so it was me, 24/7 cleaning and cooking and taking care of a dog that I didn’t want.
Although my FIL was constantly thanking me and appreciated everything I did for him, I became bitter and resentful.
We moved him into an assisted living home just yesterday. The dog is still with us(for now). We will take her over for visits.
He is 93 and going strong.
His doctor diagnosed him with onset demensia, but says he could be at the same stage for another 8-10 years.
I do not feel guilty or ashamed, I know I did my best to take care of him.
I literally, put “my life” on hold for the past 4 months. I’m ready to go back to work (had quit my job to stay home and take care of him after he fell in his home)
If anyone were to ask my opinion about moving an elderly parent in with them, I would stress the importance of having a back up plan!
Best of luck to you, my heart goes out to you and your family.

By no means do we think that you are a horrible person. You are a strong person who has so much on her plate that its beginning to over flow. You cant be hard on yourself as you are taking on a ton . you have a family and a new one joining your family who is going to need a lot of attention and love being new in this world. you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband , unite on a decision and go forward with your decision together.
Than both of you should sit dad down and explain your decision to him. make him understand you are no deserting him and will always be there for him but with the baby coming you can not handle everything as you have in the past three years. I would get him involved into looking for a senior care with people his age. go over his finances and see what he can afford. take him with you to check out places .
dad needs to understand you are one person and cant handle every thing. tell him all love him dearly and will be there in person and by phone as much as you can. He needs to know he is not being thrown out and neglected .
the other option is to keep it as is and but by reading your story it doesn't sound like that would be a good thing for the future of your health and/or the future of your family.
dads going to have to learn that he raised his family and its time for you to raise yours...
good luck......

Don't feel bad about your feelings, you have all the right to live your life without taking care of Dad. That does not mean you are not going to be there for him. Is there any assisted living places close by where you live? I would be totally up front with him and explain to him your feelings.He might not like it in the moment but he will adjust. If you don't do it now while you are still young you might start resenting your situation then everyone is going to be upset and words probably would be spoken and you don't want it to come too that...Good L:uck

My heart goes out to you. I'm an only too. You are too young to be coping with this. I did this for a mother for 23 years. It impacted the quality of life and enjoyment with both of my kids. And caused strain with spouse even though he was very patient. I was amused by the comment to "expose" Dad to the baby messes. Oh yes, great idea! Men were not expected to handle any of that back in their day it just the way it was. Your difference in age/perceptions of household responsibilities will likely never resolve. If he has a sudden downturn in health it will drag you down healthwise too trying to handle everyone's well-being. Do you have an aunt or any other older family member who can speak up for you and let the old dude know that you need some space right now? You need at least a year dear. I hope he can find a great senior community nearby. You and your family can visit a lot to make some special memories. Don't guilt yourself out on this one.

All of us here can relate - it's time to get Daddy out of Your marriage.

You are a good daughter. The fact that you have been caring for your father for so many years is solid proof. There is nothing wrong with your wanting him to move out. You must tell him with the new baby, there is not enough room in the house for him and that you will have to spend time taking care of the baby and you don't want his needs to go unanswered. So he must go where they can look after his needs. If he doesn't want to go, you have to let him know that he doesn't have a choice. An assisted living or nursing home would be good options. Don't feel bad. The time has come for him to move on. Let him know you will visit him and look after him in his new home. They have activities for seniors to do. I pray he will not give you a problem, but whatever happens, stand strong and do what you have to do. Its for the best for all of you.

You are 33 married with two children. You are in the prime of life and you should have every right and opportunity to live your life to the absolute fullest. Time will go too fast and you will look back and be resentful of what you never had a chance to have. Do NOT put yourself into that situation. I have no doubt you love your father but his obvious behavior is not something you, or anyone, should have to tolerate. If your father can't understand the effect he is having on your family and marriage, he is very stubborn or stupid of selfish. I think it is time for you and your husband to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms for the best outcome for all concerned, he must go and live somewhere that he will find comfort and be cared for - it is affecting your family life and marriage. And then do whatever it takes to make sure he does this. Get help from the professionals or an attorney but do take immediate action to resolve this issue. Some people may love each other BUT THEY CANNOT LIVE UNDER THE SAME ROOF. Be strong and take care of yourself first. You deserve some peace.

First off you are not a bad daughter, you are an amazing daughter and have an amazing husband. That being said your Dad SHOULD NOT be living with you all on a permanent basis. A parent should not expect to be able to live with their child permanently any more than an adult child should be able to move back home and live with their parent without expecting to need to be making other arrangements eventually. Other accommodations are an absolute must. Bless your heart for putting up with him for 3 years. My mother moved in for a week after falling and I nearly went off the deep end. I didn't give her any choice and found a assisted living home for her. She didn't like moving there but in the end it has turned out to be the best thing for us all. We enjoy the time we spend together and I don't feel used. After she adjusted ( that took a couple months) she now likes the place and enjoys all the activities and being with people of her own generation. She still asks to come home every time I visit but I just change the subject. Until this year we would go get her and bring her home for family activities. She is now getting to hard for any of us to manage so we go to the home and visit, go to "movies" or "out to dinner" at the local restaurant in the facility.