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Hopefully they will arrive at a decision that's mutually beneficial. Or your father will do what my father did his whole life: defer to my mother's wishes.
Good luck!
I detest being in the middle of other people’s issues. If someone tries to drag me in and force me to take a side, I resent it. I will walk away. My ex sis in law did that constantly! She wasn’t happy until she had an audience for the show that she put on for everyone! She disliked me, because I never fell for her bait.
If mom and dad want different things and neither is incapacitated, they need to work this out themselves.
If dad wants to move to a senior facility, offer ONCE to help him do that; mom may follow. Or not.
Dad needs to decide that his quality of life is poor and want an improvement enough to stand up to mom.
She may be in some denial… that she doesn’t think they need a senior community. That’s for old and decrepit people and surely she is not like them!
Dh is totally happy to stay here forever. We have a split entry and atotal of 50 stairs that I navigate on a daily basis. He walks in the door and goes to his room, and then the kitchen and that's it.
Single car garage which I don't get to park in--Stairs up and down everywhere I need to go. Since Dh doesn't GO downstairs, he doesn't see the problem.
I am having major foot surgery in July and will be on a 'scooter' thing for 6 weeks. He sees no problem in that, I can still cook and do for myself, as far as he's concerned.
Eventually, we will HAVE to size down, at least to somewhere with a lot fewer stairs. I want to do it while we have our strength and ability to do so, he wants to wait for the 'oopsy daisy' moment when one of us falls down the stairs.
The kids are pretty quiet, knowing better than to weigh in on this, although I know the girls (4 of them) really get it. Yesterday as I hauled 10 heavy bags of groceries up the stairs to put away, I felt like crying. He was home, but didn't help. Never does, actually.
Dh is opposed to EVERYTHING I want. He is going to look at some condos tomorrow just to see what's out there. We already HAVE a buyer for our house, so that isn't a problem. It's getting him to see outside the box that's hard. We've lived here for 42 years and he can't fathom living anywhere else.
I'M moving, whether DH comes with me or not is up to him.
I will NOT put my kids in the same position as my folks did to us--making us have to make a huge personal decision for them b/c they wouldn't. I do not want to make this their problem!
what's werid is that DH's mom is housebound in a house she cannot care for. Her 'move out' date was a full 20 years ago, but now, no, she'd never move. It was a hot topic for a bit, but we quickly realized she was not going to make a decision.
I would also tell her not to expect you to be a full-time caregiver.
Do you mean "assisted living" for seniors, or, "independent living?".
Would make a difference.
At their age, (93), independent senior zliving might not make much difference if your Dad needs assistance either medical or with ADL's (activities of daily living).
What is the condition of their home and upkeep? Can they afford help in, home improvements, handyman services, and gardening?
Buying and selling can be a huge financial planning mess if either needs a nursing home in the near future. They cannot just cash out their equity and not plan in great detail, (and cannot give it away without Medicaid having a say in their eligibilty for future care). If they stay, the home will be an exempt asset.
After what happened in facilities recently (referring to lockdown, no visitors),
(Including AL's), your Mom may be right to stay in her home. The pandemic is not over.
Can you help them in some ways to improve their home situation?
I know that you have your father’s best interests at heart but he is a grown man that is able to speak for himself. If he didn’t ask for you to assist him in some way to try to persuade your mom, then don’t take it upon yourself to do so. It will only backfire on you. Allow them to work it out.
If issues become more difficult for your father, he has the option to move out on his own without your mom. He sounds easy going and she sounds high strung.
So many couples seem to be mismatched. Maybe match making dating sites are onto something more than we realize, by conducting thorough interviews about similar interests and values in life.
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