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Guilt is pretty much a given for caregivers. Once in a while it may serve a good function. If I've lost my patience and been harsh with my loved one, I should feel a little guilt, think about how I can avoid that in the future, forgive myself, and move on. But mostly our load of guilt is about things that aren't our fault and we have no control over. It is irrational and it is pretty hard to reason ourselves out of it.
The guilt is going to be there. Accept that fact, and don't let it stop you from doing what you decide is best. I guess we have to learn to live with a certain level of guilt.
It is wonderful that you have been able to include FIL in previous trips. You have enriched his life. That is an awesome gift. It is very sad that he is no longer able to be included. It is one of those losses we experience on the caregiving journey that we need to acknowledge and allow ourselves to mourn.
Dr. Boss suggests the practice of "both/and" statements, (instead of seeing the world as either/or). In this situation, here is an example that may be applicable: I feel both guilty about leaving FIL and excited about vactioning with Hubby.
Caregivers of people with dementia live in an ambiguous world. Our loved one is both present and absent. We have frequent bouts of grief and our loved one is not dead. We are the sons or daughters and we are doing the parenting.
If you have to feel guilty, so be it. But arrange good respite care and have a wonderful vacation. You owe it to yourself, your husband, and, really to you FIL, because he deserves caregivers who periodically recharge and stay healthy. So you should probably feel guilty if you don't go. We can't win, can we?
Anyway, this approach to guilt is new to me and I can't recommend it from personal experience. But I sure think it makes sense. How does it sound to you? I'm going to try it, and try thinking in both/and statements.
You shouldn't feel guilty at all.