My 83yo dad became ill 2020 and has been bedbound. Family decided to keep him home. Mom had been primary caregiver with some help through an Agency on AgingProgram that my sister got help through. He's been in and out of the hospital and recently nursing home for respite because mom had to have 2 triple a surgeries with rehab. Her surgeries and rehab consumed 4 months. Now she's home and at one point we were thinking of having dad stay at NH but he got sick with mrsa, staph, crab, pneumonia twice and Covid. After visiting him the last time he was on his deathbed and I immediately told the nurse to call an ambulance. He was back in the hospital and is now getting discharged today. His hours were increased to 5 days of pd live in care thankfully through AOA. However, still can't find the help and can't needs to be discharged to a medically safe home. He's not going back to that nursing home. I want to give him the dignity to die at home but he can be difficult. 2nd part to this is I've dealt with all hospital stays, nursing home, rehab, drs, social workers, Pt, transportation communication, emails, calls, etc. on my own for both parents parents at the same time with minimal help from one sister who is mentally unstable and another who uses the excuse that she's working. When done with work she says I'm done. Can't help you and turned verbally abusive to me yet has helped get alot assistance for parents prior to moms surgery. So no support from either sister. 3rd thing is since mom has had these big surgeries she is not cognitively there. Everytime I tell her we need money from the house to get 24/7 care 1 or 2 days a week she says she doesn't want to go to the bank to do the paperwork or "it takes about a month to get the money" and then says can we deal with this later? She cannot handle anything anymore. She is in a state of denial or has checked out because of my father's demands and verbal abuse throughout our life. I think she'd rather have him be in a home but not after this last sickness he had. So her delay in responding, her blase personality, lack of responsibility to her house, her health, my Dad being gone for 4 months with no words of sadness toward him mjes me wonder if she is losing it or is it anesthesia, dementia or just done with caregivng? I feel very angry that she's not who she is. She's completely given all responsibility to me without any remorse. 4th problem my younger sister who "works" all the time took control of everything POA For dad's health, me POA for mom health and financial POA for both. No conversations or meetings for me to ask if this is whst I want or not. I have asked her to be transparent about whaf the lawyer said but after a brief explanation she says call him yourself to find out. Apparently my mom never understood what he said and I don't think my sister really understands herself what we have as responsibilities. I don't see any documentation so I can understand. Here is my bottom line. My dad is now on Medicaid and has 5 day live in care. My mom has 32 hours of help through agency on Aging. They have no savings, no will, no nothing except a pd off house with about 400,000 in equity. I have repeatedly begged my mom to take money out to pay for extra caregiver help, repairs on house etc but she is riddled with fear that a reverse mortgage is bad. My sister encourages her to not do it. Her husband says she can't afford to pay it back. They all believe we should not touch the house because we won't get anything. I don't wantba dime! I want them to have 24/7 care so I can have my life back! My mom wants her kids to help her only! I still need to care for dad at least one full day because there will be no one and sister another full day if she follows through. I love them but they are all very dysfunctional.Everything falls on me 100% now. Social workers have not helped either. I'm being taken advantage of but also stuck. My health is suffering. I'm going back to work and can't do this!
Your parents will have funds to pay for good care until it runs out.
No one will have to orbit around maintaining a house that they have neither time or money to support.
If one or both parents eventually require Medicaid, there's a lien put on the home which will need to be satisfied by the next owner. This is part of the MERP (Medicaid Estate Recovery Program).
But Medicaid's rules vary by state. I strongly suggest you, your sister and your Mom go to an estate or elder law attorney (who are versed in Medicaid) to discuss whether this is a doable option and the consequences of such action.
Reverse mortgages are slippery, and there are surprises and consequences to them as well. Most people advise to stay away from them but again: this is a discussion to have with an expert/professional.
You PoAs need to find your documents and read what they activates your authorities to act on their behalf. Without the document there is no proof you have any power. Usually activation requires a medical diagnosis of sufficient impairment. It will be up to you to get your parents diagnosed by their primary physicians. Get the diagnosis on the clinic letterhead and signed by their doctor. Then you will have more power to make decisions and move forward, as long as you can make things work between you and your sister, the other PoA.
You cannot force family members to participate. No one can be assumed into a caregiving role. This is immoral and unethical. If your sister doesn't want to participate it may be more fruitful to convince her to resign her PoA so that things can eventually move forward. Sometimes you can get a family mediator through your court district to act as an objective moderator for discussion if it gets rough between you, after PoA has been legally activated.
Hang in there... it will get harder before it gets better. Work on the PoA activation first and foremost.
Dying at home is a silly fantasy most naive elders cling to, so ignore any whinging from either of your parents about that. It’s just pure stupidity.
You need to completely stop helping them and let them fail on their own to force a change in their situation. They need to be in a facility.
Your post makes me feel utterly helpless; I can only imagine your OWN hopelessness and helplessness.
THIS YOU ARE DOING IS NOT SUSTAINABLE.
All others have already opted out for their own reasons. I admit to you that I MYSELF would not become involved in this other than to do the occasional appointment, bagof groceries. I am being honest with you.
I can only recommend to you that you:
1. Stop expecting family to participate in your caregiving journey. They won't. Their reasons don't matter, and it's a waste of your energy to think about them--something you cannot afford to waste.
2. See a good psychologist. One recommended because she SHOOK someone else until their teeth rattled. None of that online nonsense. They get paid nothing and they are worth less. You need help and guidance in getting back to work and onto your OWN PATH.
I think you understand to your core that you cannot do this, or you will do it forever your entire life, throwing yourself bodily on every burning funeral pyre you can find. Think of the ongoing care for the next decades for your mom, alone. Are you willing to sacrifice your own life?
Carla, I can't think WHAT to say to help you. Your survival depends upon your not taking on EVERYTHING for EVERYONE and trying to fix it. Granddad is the best
"for-instance". He's dying. It isn't fixable. It can't be perfect. And for your trying no one will thank you, and your own life assets will be SPENT and gone.
I am the one here who recommends that everyone, once they reach the age of majority, move 1,000 miles from family. You can surely see why.
Please get help. You are going to have to give up being the Saint that Saves the World. You understand what we DO to Saints, I know. You already know this is an awful job description.
I am going on too long (as usual). I should have stopped with "Carla; this isn't sustainable; you will kill yourself with this. Get help".
I'm by nature a caregiver. When I went into nursing my own mom said "Thank god. Now maybe you will stop picking the sickest in every litter". I knew what she meant. I needed someplace to park my caregiving tendencies.
Once my career was over (I'm 82)? Well, I found AC, didn't I. And trying now to care-give you into giving up caregiving before it drains you to nothing.
Please update us. I am so sorry. There's nothing I could say to you, which means I have now said thousands of words leading nowhere. Just know you are heard you are seen.