Has anyone else had a nervous breakdown regarding their elder parents' situation?

All,
Am doing much better on new meds and therapy. My Mom doesn't call me. She is getting more and more confused and now says we need a court order to make her leave. We are trying to look into buying into Medicaid for a 24 hour aide, but I'm not sure that's the answer. One day at a time. Thanks for the support! Hope you are all doing as best as you can!

Great comments! Just what I needed to hear today. My 91 year old mom is in decent health physically, but is in a wheelchair and has what is probably mid-stage Alzheimers. She has at-home caregivers all but the 22 hours a week I am there. I live about 3 miles a day. Sounds not too bad! But...despite my best efforts she is somewhere in my mental conscious or subconscious almost 24/7. Her situation defines my life. As someone mentioned earlier I wake up every morning with a low-level dread and something like a heavy veil related to all this hanging over me. If it is not dealing with her directly, it is dealing with finances, dr appointments, home health issues - as I am always the one to get the call because I am the only family member who can and will get involved. I have always been pretty self-reliant and upbeat, but in the last year or so have been better about sharing with others my very real pain and anxiety over all this. It is amazing the responses I get: "This is your life." "You have no choice." "Your mother would be dead in 2 weeks without you." These are responses from my boyfriend and friends - people who know what I deal with and are supposed to care. Yes, I know this is all my choice to acknowledge or ignore. I could go on and on. I am just really working hard at setting my limits because at the end of the day, I am the only one who has to live with my decisions. I know that with home care and living in my own house - thank God! - I maybe have it better than most. But this has gone on for 11 years solid, with no real end in sight. An hour massage or a walk in the park just doesn't cut it. I have learned the hard way that you must advocate for YOU because few if anyone will do it for you. Honestly, not sounding bitter just real. I'm not sure what the ultimate outcome will be, but I will not put myself on some sort of sacrificial altar. So easy for people to talk about what a blessing this all is. Thanks for the forum to vent. :) Have a great day, everyone.

I am in the same boat as you. I feel so defeated sometimes, and all I can do is this:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.

I have an 83 yr. old MIL who is going on 4 yr. old. WHO HAS TEN KIDS, AND EVERYBODY HAS THEIR LIFE, BUT NO TIME FOR HER! Why do I have to be responsible for her, is what I say to myself. Sometimes I feel like I should just drop her off to their homes and tell them her she is YOURS not mine! That would be insensitive and cruel, but I should because I myself have allot on my plate as well. I have my own business to run, three teenagers & tween, house, my own parents to be responsible for. WHEW!

She is in the sixth stage of Dementia, and when she starts her "angry tirades" I have to walk away from her. Why, because I will have a heart attack, and I have to keep reminding myself that "she is not the one driving the bus" so that I will not hate her for her condition. I myself am starting to get the beginnings of Hypertension. I found this Forum to help me cope, rant, rave, decompress, and I am glad to say I too am not alone in this struggle. I am having a hard time as well, and am not sure how much of this I can take. I say this serenity prayer, and listen to Pink Floyd to calm my nerves. One day at a time is all I can say to you. Vent to your family all you want, they will have to bear the cross you carry on your shoulders. God bless us all. Have a blessed day.

For sure, our elders don't get it; my husband had to put his foot down and tell me not to go help/see my mom more than once or twice a week before I realized how much she was running me, even though she has other help. Now the other help does most everything and I pick up a few things at the store and deliver them when I am ready, or take her out to no more than 2 places, including out to eat, if we do that. Since I also have a client/friend that I see once a week for a couple hours to entertain her or write letters, take her out, etc., that's more than enough. We have to set limits; they won't and/or can't.....

Weezay, I am 57, and dealing with this currently, Adrenaline Fatigue OR, CAREGIVERS STRESS!!!

Adrenaline, Cortisol, and Norepinephrine, my 3 Stress hormones are All out of Whack, after going through these last 6 months of my FIL's life, ending in him passing away in our home after 7 weeks on Hospice of Lung Cancer.

After having him in our home for 13 years, my husband and I had finally reached Severe Caregivers Burnout, and on May 15th 2017, placed him into Assisted living near our home. Unfortunately, that only lasted 9 weeks before he fell and my husband found him on the floor of his apartment (July 27th), after him laying there for 16 hours. It was found that he had Pneumonia, Sepsis, and ultimately a CT scan proved he had a Golf ball sized mass in his Left Lung, which had metastasized to his diaphram and his rib bones. It was decided that he would return to our home (August 3rd), On Hospice, with a probability that he would only last about 3 weeks, and he lasted 7 weeks (September 20th), so a pretty good guesstimate.

In the time between us moving him out (mid July), and him being hospitalized for Pneumonia, I had a severe Stress reaction, landing me in hospital with chest wall pain and anxiety. After a battery of tests, including ruling out a hot gallbladder, heart and lungs disorders, I was diagnosed with Costochondritis and stress, which they did nothing about except "Time will heal", and eventually over the next 4 weeks, my symptoms slowly resolved.

Fast forward to him passing away in our home after those frantic 7 weeks of Excellent Hospice Care, it was still a whole lot of work for my husband and I, and 1 week after he passed on, All of those Same symptoms began surfacing again for me, but this time I jumped on it, not wishing to do another stint in hospital myself, plus, we were about to leave on a much needed vacation (October 6th).

My Dr did another EKG, more labs, and a Chest film, all negative except for a high WBC count (as before), and high Sed Rate, and a high CRP level, both related to my autoimmune issues with Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. My Dr Rx'd Buspirone, and anti-anxiety medication, and a Beta-blocker, but unfortunately the Buspar caused me more side effects than I was willing to tolerate, including dizziness, and a feeling of being completely Stoned, which is definitely not my cup of tea!, Lol!

In follow up with my Dr today, I will continue with the beta-blocker, and I'm going to consult with a Cardiologist to completely rule out any issues with my heart, as my chest continues to hurt, and my heart pounds in times of even the mildest issues of stress, its like my "fight and flight" hormones are completely out of whack, and I just cannot tolerate the constant feelings of an Anxiety Attack at any given moment, and for no apparent reason.

So Yes, the Emotional and physical Stress of caring for your LO for So Long, Constantly being on guard for the next shoe to drop, or waiting for them to die, and not knowing the manner of how they are going to die, and in your home, is probably the most stressful time of my life ever, and we have raised 4 great kids, and seen our 4 parents to the grave through very difficult illnesses and circumstances.

The older we get, the harder it becomes, and sometimes our Elders don't realize just how hard it is, and do not conceptualize that we too are getting older, and aren't 35 years olds anymore, heck, our own kids are 37, 37, 35, and 33! We have our own health issues too! But our parents are Old, and set in their ways, afraid of their own demise, and we are the ones who are going to help them, by God! Or at least, those of us on this website are the "chosen ones", as my husband's 2 siblings were of no help whatsoever to their parents, in the past 33 years that I've been a part of his life!

Please Please, be sure to take care of you, I know it's hard to find the time, but it's So important to do so! I know that now that we no longer have a parent to stress over, it's my time to get my own health concerns in order, and it sounds like you need to work on you too! Take Care!

I think there are a few other factors that make this journey so rough and challenging.

1. We're probably the first generation in widespread caring modes. Past generations often kept someone at home and the adult siblings, or at least some of them, helped in the caring activities.

Some day I'll spend some time researching the development of IL and AL, as well as the trend toward placement out of the family home(s). I think it would be an interesting topic to research.

2. People are living longer, so there's more opportunity and need for assistance during aging. Medical advances have prolonged life, but not necessarily the quality of it.

3. Some of our parents are from the Depression and WWII ERA, before women were treated fairly at home and at work. This new generation of women often have degrees, move up the ranks at work, and aren't stay at home mothers and aren't in a position to give up their career achievements.

4. Contemporary men are more flexible in caring for children and perhaps have a different attitude than men of our age. And sometimes they're stay at home husbands while their wives work at high powered jobs, and make more than their husbands can.

5. And as personal needs develop into more complicated solutions, businesses develop or adapt to provide solutions.

I find myself in your situation very often. My mother has cáncer and father has mild dementia, both of them depend a lot on me. I´m an only child too, no help from anybody. I go to psichology sessions sometimes and I´m taking antidepressants. I try to have enough rest and have a "peace time" for myself everyday. Having a caregiver at home has helped me a lot too. I needed someone to share all this huge responsability. Take care of yourself and put boundaries, you have to stop when enough is enough.

Sometimes I think I can't go on. Sometimes, heck many times, I have to force myself to get out of bed. The thing that keeps me going is that I know in my heart I am doing the right thing by my mom. We haven't reached the point where she needs any additional care. I will cross that bridge when/if I come to it. In the meantime, I try to remember that I truly feel blessed to have this time with her. Time to build extra memories and time to give back to her when she has always given me all she had to give. I know someday when my mom is gone the knowledge that I made this time easier and more comfortable and just more "her" will be something that I will hold close to me and draw comfort from. These things are the things that keep me from losing it. They are the things that keep me going and keep my sanity. In my case, my mom is all I have. My dad passed many years ago and my only sibling has excommunicated himself from our family and has had no contact in almost 20 years. I have extended family/friends that are always there to help if needed and just to listen to me when I need to vent or rant or just decompress. That helps a lot.

Take a day. If you are safe to drive, go to the beach, or a park nearby.
Do not think about the issues bothering you for several hours, but instead look at the water, trees, birds in nature. Have a picnic.

Go with a friend if you can.

This is necessary to do for your own sanity, do it regularly and purposefully.

Of course this will not solve the problems with your parents. However, it is a suggestion you can take, today.

I almost had one at 3:00 A. M. I had to leave my home and move in with my mother who was living in another state by herself keeping house in her own home. No, she wasn't keeping house at all! She was failing miserably. I had called my husband who was back in Maryland while I was in Massachusetts. I rallied after my daughter found this site actually. You will have to tend to YOUR OWN NEEDS FIRST, else you'll be good to no one.

Can you get in Home caregivers to give yourself a break, go to work or whatever you have to do?

You have options. My sister and I are "on call" for our parents, too. But we give each other "time off"...she takes the calls some days, I take them others. We also split up responsibility...I take care of all of her finances and go visit a couple of times a week, my sister lives closer and takes care of all the "little stuff" (out of shampoo, can't find the remote control, etc) and checks in three to four times a week. You can also call hospice for your mom....all it takes is a doctor saying there is a 51% chance she only has (3? 6? can't remember) months to live. In addition, Medicare will pay for counseling for HER if you feel that will help. Be kind to yourself, but also remember there are things you cannot change...and just as she took care of you when you were too young to, you are helping her when she is too old to. My mantra, when I think I can't take another second, is to take a deep breath and remind myself "this, too, shall pass".

There comes a time in life when the "person" we once knew is just simply not there any longer.....they have changed and the change is NOT good. Remember, they have lived their lives and you are, most likely, much younger. You owe it to yourself to take care of YOU first and foremost. No matter what the reasons are, physically or mentally, they cannot be allowed to abuse the caretaker and cause problems. Of course, the caretaker must also treat them with respect. However, when the day comes that YOU are being very negatively affected, you have only one choice: you must put them somewhere where they are cared for and you have the peace you so deserve. There is NO other choice. Be a martyr and destroy yourself or take care of you and have a chance for a life - while you still have it.

Can you go to therapy now, and to a primary care doctor? Maybe some meds for depression and anxiety would help you. It's a very difficult situation - I don't think human minds and bodies are designed for the relentless stress and grief of caregiving. One way or another, get help for yourself, maybe not inpatient now, but something. I think many caregivers get physically end emotionally sick from the stress and exhaustion. Maybe their doctor could help about convincing them to go to assisted living, or at least to allow some help. You're not alone in this.

Princessf has said it so beautifully. Thank you. Wishing you peace at this painful time.

Yes, people do have breakdowns, and if not complete ones requiring hospitalization, certainly severe enough to make daily functioning difficult at best. I sometimes think that it's the inner struggle between wanting the worry and exhaustion from trying to care for your parents to end and knowing that means the loss of your parents that can drive you slowly insane. You want to leave no stone unturned in caring for them at the same time you are getting older and may need care yourself. And it seems that in every family, some siblings pitch in and others don't or can't which adds another layer to the emotional burden. There are many, many of us out there. But if you need to take care of yourself in order to keep going, then that's what you have to do. There is no shame in that. But you have to keep going - for yourself because when they have passed your biggest comfort will be that you know that you did what you knew was right and that you came out on the other end of one of the most difficult situations life has to offer. You're not alone, and I admire you.

Weezay, would it help if you didn't answer the phone? You're not required to answer the phone each time your mother calls. It might make you feel guilty not to answer the phone, but your mother sounds like she's calling her children too much.

"She needs more than I can provide"....is an excellent way of expressing how you are feeling and what is going on. I am keeping that in my back pocket for when I need it. I also have friends with aging parents. We are all in some type of "situation" with them. I will share that statement with them as well. It's the simplest way of stating the truth.

I can totally relate to your situation and where you are. I've had to turn to meds for my situation to get through. I've had two sick parents at one time and I don't know that the word stress can even be used. My father passed in August, which was some relief to my situation. I haven't even mourned him....there is no time. My sibling, I don't know where he is...denial, thinking it's my problem? It just doesn't matter to me any longer. My mother who has end stage renal disease just quit dialysis and is talking out of her head. She is working on her third week without it and to be honest, I really don't know what her time frame is, however yelling in the hallway of my condo for a drink of water in the middle of the night, or some of the conversations she is having are coming to a close. I'm married and this isn't fair to my husband, who mind you has helped me in a lot of ways, to include monetarily. I'm working on getting her into care as soon as possible. The only asset they had was their house and I'm working on getting a home equity line on that so I can set things in motion to get it sold. I called the credit union on Friday afternoon and started the paperwork online Friday evening. Probably be able to get everything going in a matter of two weeks. Knowing what I know now, as their POA I would have done this much sooner. My mother was the pigheaded one in all of this, in more than one way.....open to no suggestions whatsoever. She paid for it with her health. I've done nothing but answer the call for both of them, however it's coming to a close. My anxiety is taking a huge toll on me so I have the wheels turning for that. She needs more than I can provide at this point. After I get all of that closed, I'm going to head to therapy. I'm angry on so many accounts and I need to find my way back to the light. You need to work on the care....I know speaking for myself, I'm feeling a little lighter knowing we are going to the next step.

weezay, no wonder you're in a spin, this is very challenging. Are you going to counseling/therapy, weekly or more frequently, now? Why not do the more convenient, supportive version in the meantime until you may check yourself in somewhere later? You deserve that emotional support! You are not your parents, you are not this situation (obvious - but repeat this). Mom needs to see a doctor and get a diagnosis on her condition. I'm with midkid's response! Including keep visiting this thread and this site. Good luck to you. This situation is not trying to steal your peace of mind, and you don't have to let it.

get your mom who has extreme anxiety to change her meds to haderol my mom had the same problem and boy was it stressfeul but now since the change of meds she worrys about nothing at all what a wonderful change for both of us.

I think I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown all through caring for my Mom but didn't let it come to fruition till after she died. I've had moments.............but to be honest I have not come to terms with her death and am attending grief counseling which hasn't helped. I would never try to dissaude someone from going to grief counsel but I have not been thrilled with it thus far.

It sounds to me like mentally removing yourself from your situation for a while would do you good especially since it sounds like your siblings have you covered. You are lucky in that respect. Take advantage of it and get well.

Not yet.

You seem very in tune with yourself.
Maybe a stay in a center would be just the ticket--a tune up of sorts.
During those "stays" I know they have family time for you to meet with a therapist to discuss things in a non-threatening way. Likely your sibs DO care, and care a LOT, but act it our differently.
I internalize, which is bad. Sis acts, swiftly and decisively and doesn't look back. 2 brothers ignore and play Dr. No Shot--but we have had meetings and talked back ad forth. Finding we were all getting snippets of the truth about Mother's care, but none of us had he whole picture.

It is NOT worth your mental well being to try to make your parents "happy". I cannot make my mother happy. Impossible. Also, it's not my job. Walking away from that w/o guilt has been such a blessing. And I didn't do it on my own--lots of therapy.

Take care of YOU!!!!

And come back--you'll get a lot of support here.