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If you could get your mom alone and gently feel out her views of their life and how things are going, it might be worth the effort. Is retirement treating them like they thought it would? Are they happy? Do they have a bucket list that they'd like to fill?
At 64, I have come to believe there are two types of people as we age, those who basically give up and start acting like "old people" well before their time and those who try/want to stay mentally and physically young and hang around with others who share those views. I'm in the second camp and have close relatives falling (to some degree) into the first camp. My relatives are a married couple and one has no interest in physical activity or eating well. She strongly influences how the other person behaves, to his detriment. So I wonder if something similar is going on with your parents? If that's the case, it will only change if the "healthier" partner wants it to change. If they're happy/satisfied/resistant to change in their unhealthy lifestyle, there's not much you can do.
In that case I agree with distancing yourself and getting counseling so that you can learn how to set limits to keep your own mental health. People only change when they want to change and you can't make that decision for them. Please keep us posted on what happens.
My husband is a bit like that. if I mention anything negative in the news he will immediately find someone to blame and go into a tirade about how they should be thrown in jail fined etc.
I think I have finally convinced him that although I usually agree with his sentiments I choose not to discuss things that I can do nothing about and that just spewing negativity about something is very stressful and poisons the atmosphere. He has now finally realized it is not good for my health to be constantly subjected to this kind of stress and agreed to moderate his comments. Upstream your parents sound as though they have had a very unhappy life together and one can only feel sorry for them. I think you are right in limiting the time you spend with them and make sure you will not end up being a caregiver for either of them in the future. When either starts to complain just tell them you will not discuss the others problems and it is none of your business how they live their lives. If they persist repeat what you just said and leave the room or the house
If they are still pretty much on their own and making you nuts because of their behavior, yea, getaway from them. Most people post this type of story but are also up to their necks in caregiving duties and feel guilty for pulling away.
Also, if your father is developing dementia this can make a bad relationship worse. Neither of them are aware that dementia is affecting them. You might want to have him tested. Mom needs to understand the aspects of dementia so she can deal with him more effectively. Or would that be beyond her abilities?
If the relationship is reasonably good, though I think it's just courteous to explain why you're backing off, such as health reasons. But so much depends on (a) the relationship, and (b) the reason for detaching.
I think that avoiding them altogether isnt the solution. They are sick and need help. What is likely the best thing for YOU is develop a support network and attend group meetings.
I hope I did not offend. All the best, L
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