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It's unfortunate that you have chosen to live with your mother. I suggest you move out and are on your OWN for a while before moving only for a relationship. That often is jumping from the frying pan to the fire.
You mention a small to-do with your mother that seems quite trivial to me; were you two not so enmeshed it would easily be walked away from with a simple "I will consider your advice mom". Living with ANYONE isn't a simple thing. Living with a partner, a spouse, a sibling, a parent, a child, even a roommate isn't easy.
Move out .
Then if Mom is not safe home alone call APS .
She has monopolized too many years of YOUR life .
It’s YOUR life , move out and live it .
You say your Mom is independent and that you don't think she has dementia, but a verbal filter that seems to be breaking more and more could be a sign of cognitive decline.
Ignoring your Mom's inappropriate comments *every time* is called "extinguishing" that behavior. Or, undramatically get up and walk away as if she didn't say anything... don't give her comments any of your attention or energy. You will need to develop a thicker skin if you continue to live with her, or see her behavior with different eyes (seeing that she may have decline).
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions.
I get it, my mom doesn't like my husband because he makes me a stronger person, and doesn't let me be used.
But mom loves my ex husband because between the 2 they were controlling me pretty well, many moons ago.
I think she was also giving me busy work and needles errands to keep us apart.
This reminds me of step children that do everything they can to push away there parents partner.
I don't really have many answers for you, other than realizing, what has been really going on in my life and the crazy making mom and others where doing, that limiting my time, with mom. And also a bit understanding where Mom is in her life makes it easier to let the anger go , when mom ruffles my feathers
I took my power back, which you can also do.
What ever you decide to do, I get it!!
I look at my life this way now. I come first, then my relationship with my husband, then mom.
Best of luck
Make your plans without her knowledge. If she insults your man, tell her she "sounds awful jealous." I wouldn't take the insults from someone I have done so much for, period. Of course she doesn't want to lose her care slave. TOO BAD!
It's very simple. People you do so much for should be doing the same for you in some form. Be it you have surgery and need help, or have a new relationship you are happy about, or a new pet you are thrilled with, or you lost weight and are proud of yourself. If the person (such as Mom) who has been given support and care by you, yet cannot (or won;t) return it, CUT THEM OFF. They never will. Their mind cannot comprehend true love, friendship and appreciation.
Life is too short to waste time and energy with selfish, jealous people. They know how much you have done for them, and their rude, face slap reactions are out of line. You BOTH KNOW THIS as adults.
Get yourself set up to get out of this prison of caregiving someone who does not appreciate you and your kindness. Do whatever it takes. Mom has had her life, her care slave, her way she wants. IT'S YOUR TURN.