Need a hug, prayers.

(((((Hugs))))))). No idea what to expect. But make sure they send him to rehab!!!

Insist that you can not be his caregiver and see what options they suggest

Katie, my DH had stent procedures done twice, about 12 years apart. They did angioplasty also. The procedures went well both times. The second time, he went to the ER early Wed morning and was released on Friday. If they had been able to do the procedure on Wednesday, I think he'd have been out the next day. It's almost like day surgery these days.

Both times, they had him go to Silver Sneakers three times a week to exercise - 12 weeks, I think. They had him go to a nutrition class to learn to eat better. The second time, the stent was a drug eluding stent. He was put on Plavix for a year. That made things a little more complicated, since he needed to use caution - he learned to use gloves when he did things around the house. Both times, I was amazed afterward that he'd had a heart attack, had cardiac procedures, was out in a couple days, and you'd have never known to look at him. He was golfing the next week.

I, however, had a hefty panic attack a few days later - both times. I've since realized that after every family health crisis, when things are settled down, my body says "ok, time to flip out". Now I expect the let down and try to mitigate it with hydrating, lots of knitting (to zen out) and I just roll with the panic attack until it's gone.

I didn't feel like I was a caregiver either time, as he was up and about right away. I went to doctor appointments and to exercise class, cooked healthy and explained the nutrition part. Other than that, no caregiver duties.

(((((HUGS)))))

Sending (((hugs))) and prayers your way.

((HUG))

So sorry for what you r going thru and have been going thru. But this is the time for a POA not when he is incompetent, before he gets to that point. You may want to tell him that legally you really have no say in his care. He has to permit you to make decisions when he can't. Make sure he signs a HIPPA statement saying that its OK for you to talk to his doctors. Usually Drs. will but legally they don't have to. Tell him by not giving you POA he could eventually become a Ward of the state and they will make the decisions for him. Without a will the state gets involved. Wills make everything cut and dry.

Katie-
I went through this with my DH last summer. He had 2 heart attacks in 2 weeks. Stents were placed and he began healing. I have to say, he is a terrible patient and we've been through the wringer with him and health/lifestyle issues for 43 years.

I, too, had a bag packed, unbeknownst to him, before he had the first heart attack. It stayed packed. He came home to rehab. 2nd heart attack and back home with double the meds and triple the crappy attitude.

Had I known I even had a CHOICE, I would not have brought him home to rehab. He just assumed I'd be happy to be his slave once again.

2nd heart attack--I was too slow on the draw and again, he was sent home. On my birthday---well, that's not here nor there.

During the 'healing'---we did have a quite a few huge fights, which we really never did, nor do. I did tell him I was going to leave him--and he was totally shocked. And he changed. Went to his psych doc and was prescribed and anti-depressant even though they are not really supposed to take them post h/a. Luckily, these worked, he began to listen to me.....and eventually, I unpacked the bag.

He knows now that I have a limit. He knows I will leave him if things gets that bad again.

IF you are planning, without question, to split from him, you'll get NO judgment from me.

Although--dumping this on him when he will be feeling emotionally unbalanced is kind of cruel--that's why I didn't do it.

You need an advocate in this. And you can talk to his drs and explain that you are not capable of caring for him. They'll have heard it all, don't worry about how it appears to others. I'm sure the drs have to sign off on his release and he cannot go home to 'no care'.

A stent being placed is practically an outpatient procedure. A bypass, of course is much more involved.

Let the drs know you will not be a part of his caregiving team going forward. No doubt your husband will have a fit, but sounds like that's "normal" for him.

He probably won't be sick enough for FT care in a rehab place--I honestly don't know. I wasn't at the hospital for the discharge planning and I wasn't happy with the 2nd one at ALL. I wanted him to go to a facility and I didn't get to the hospital fast enough, and I wasn't 'brave' enough to fight for one.

If things aren't good now, a bypass or stents aren't going to make him nicer or make your marriage better or stronger. Only you can make that decision. Stay and care for a man you no longer wish to be with...or go and start a new life w/o him.

I can't make that decision for you--I can only empathize--and I do, with all my heart.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

And you may think your kids don't want to be involved, but they should be, at least as far as supporting both of you. I have 5 kids and within 12 hours of the first h/a, 4 of the 5 were here, supporting me. (#5 had just had a baby, and couldn't get here). My kids all said to me "If you need to divorce dad to have peace and joy in your life, we're there for you."

I had their quiet support and we weathered it. Not well, I will say that the recovery was and still is, pretty awful at times. But I think he'd trying to be less of a jerk and I am trying to forgive him for being him.

The panic attack after HA #1 had DH so freaked out he called an ambulance for me -- the kids, then in jr high, flipped out to come home and see Mom being carted off a week after Dad's HA. They got me hydrated, my bp was low as usual and sent me home. Since HA#2 was three days before Christmas, they all attributed my spin out to the holidays...lol.

God bless you.  Unfortunately, I can relate to what you're going through.  I can tell you that my husband had 3 stents put in about 20 years ago, and the procedure was amazingly simple.  He was sedated, but awake through it all.  He came home the same day and with the exception of medication and changes in his diet, life went on pretty much as usual.  Fast forward 20 years - he had to have open heart surgery.  Although this sounds frightening, this is a very common (maybe too common) procedure and you can expect a good outcome.  They will keep close watch over him for about 3 days and then move him to a CCU, where he will be closely monitored for a week or so.  My husband left the hospital and went straight to a cardiac rehab facility and stayed there 4 weeks.

PART 2:  I wasn't finished with the post, but it wouldn't let me write any more. 

When he came home from the hospital, he had to take it easy, but did very well and he was 75 years old at the time.  He said he felt better than he had felt in a long time (better blood flow and more oxygen in the blood).  Bottom line; you can expect a full recovery.  He is young and Lord willing, everything will be fine.  Stay strong - you WILL be OK.  You have my prayers and lots of ((hugs)).

Also, I would expect that before any procedure is done, the hospital will require that your husband complete a MPOA.  They did for both my Dad and my husband.  They can take care of this at the hospital.

PS  My husband won't make a will either.  My heart goes out to you Katie.  💚💚💚

he should recover just fine from the procedure. Be sure to ask the doctor what is the expected recovery time, what restrictions he needs etc. so he does not have you waiting on him hand and foot. Then after he recovers, make an appt with a lawyer and tell him he is going so you can both make a will and do POAs. You need one too; but if he won't go, then I suggest you keep the lawyer appt yourself so you can make other arrangements. You seem to be married to a man you don't love and don't want to care for; so do yourself a huge favor and do something to make your retirement years happy; if that is a divorce, so be it.

A hug and prayers katiekat.

My mother survived a 2 vessel CABG at age 84. She did so well, the heart surgeon who saw her after surgery said he added another 10 years to her life & my mom & I just laughed when the surgeon realized she was 84.

The surgery itself went well. The worst part is when you see them post op in ICU immediately after. I am a RN and have cared for many intubated post op patients but it’s another entire ball game when the patient is your little, petite, tough as nails mother - all of about 120lbs of her.

But my next visit, the breathing tube was out and they were getting her up in a chair long enough to change her sheets. She was dc’d and attended cardiac rehab.


My point is that chances are your husband will do ok and recover from whatever procedure he has. But you my dear are a different story.

Continue to gather your own assets and try to save some money unbeknownst to him. Figure out a plan to leave him and stick with it. Save enough to retain a divorce attorney and start the ball rolling.

I can tell that you are “done” with him and his lack of respect towards you for years. You are still young enough to enjoy life going forward. Don’t allow him to keep you down or continue his disrespectful behaviors.

Best of luck to you. At our age (I ‘m 61) you realize life is too short to suffer and you’ve got some great years ahead.

Katie, if you don't mind my asking how long has your very long marriage not been good?

It's the 'what to expect' issue. It may be that the improvements this treatment aims to deliver will help to put right some things that have gone wrong, for example. Your husband might feel so much better he's a new man, and a lot more like the one you used to like.

Or, if you've always had your reservations, it may be that you need to forge ahead with your plans for a different life in retirement; but in that case rather than fearing his care needs you will want to detach and plan for them as well, instead.

Right now here is a hug, and a 'let's see.'

Good luck - you are still young to live the life you deserve. Save some money and just do it. He can take care of himself.

Hugs and prayers your way katiekat. 😇
My story is too long to tell, I am 76. my husband 77.
I am his caregiver, vascular dementia. My daughters ask me how do I do it? Only by the grace of God! I'm not a bible thumping preachy kind of woman but have to say that prayer is a very powerful tool! Some days get a bit hairy but I get through them. Will pray for you to be led in the right direction and make decisions that will be of help to both you and your husband. God bless.

My dad had multiple bypass surgery in his late sixties - many years ago - and has done fine. There are attorneys who will come to your home and fix a POA and any other paperwork that you need. You have to get it done while he is still clear headed. A care manager might be a good person to get an appointment with also, to decide about nursing home, home health, etc. Putting up with verbal abuse on and on would be very depressing. Hugs :)

{{Hugs}} and prayers for you.

Katie,

You have a very tough situation. Hugs! I hope you will be at peace with whatever you decide.

I can understand you staying with him for now. I wish you the best.

My younger brother was in this situation. His wife had cancer and he decided to leave while she was in treatment. Most men are reluctant to speak about abuse. It took him quite awhile to open up. His wife would beat him after he would go to sleep with spike heel shoes. She pushed him after he had back surgery. His doctor said she could have paralyzed him. She never stopped. Emotionally abused him, locked him out of their home, he slept in his car in their driveway. Was awful for him. Went to his job and cursed him out. He was almost fired.

My SIL’s sister finally got her to commit herself into mental hospital. She had mental illness. He tried to stick by her during the cancer but couldn’t. He never hit her back because he believes a man should never hit a woman.

So if you feel that the marriage is over, sometimes you have to leave. I wish you well.

Thanks for the update Katiekat.  We are here for you.  You WILL make it through this - please don't lose hope.  Hugs.  💚

I didn’t read your message until now
( a few days late ) Just wanted you to know my 🙏 prayers are with you. Here’s a big HUG‼️ Not the same illness, went through same thing. I am a Caregiver and over the top with stress. Everyone tells me I need to take care of myself! No one has been able to tell me how? I’ve been married 45 years in our 13th. of marriage he had his first Manic Attack. I have stuck by his side thru years of verbal abuse. I’m NOT asking for sympathy, just wanted you to know, there are a lot of us out there going thru the same situations 💔. Big HUGS help me, so get as many as possible‼️
I wish you the very best. I can’t give any advise. I was never able to take any of the advise I received 🤷‍♀️
🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 💝 ❤️ 💖 💞 🥰

Katiekat, you can always finish what you started and move on to find happiness.

I pray that his better humble attitude becomes habit.

Great big HUG! You are a valuable person, please don't let him continue to abuse you. If he needs care and you aren't around, he'll figure it out or not.

Katie;

You are a valued member of this community. I just went back and read a whole bunch of your responses to others who were suffering in difficult situations.

In EVERY instance, you told folks to stand up for themselves and get themselves to a better situation. That it was their right to live as they chose.

So, you are enduring an emotionally abusive marriage and have been for a long time. (D)H is going to have what is in essence an outpatient procedure that should improve his overall health. That's good news for him....and for you.

Pack your stuff. Stash your money. Figure out where you are going to stay short term.

You've been given a gift of an extra week. Call his cardiologist and talk to her/him. Believe me, they've heard it before. You're just letting him know that you are NOT going to be his patient's long term caregiver and why. Tell the doc that H may need a referral for home health and for other services because you won't be around.

Are you in therapy? Do you have supportive friends, relatives who can encourage you and support you in your new life.

Stick around with us; we have your back!

my MIL had stents. MIL was doing chores the next day, like nothing happened. a whole bunch of staples on her neck. She was a tough cracker, that one was. Coratid artery in neck was clogged,
Surgery has come a long way I hear.
Verbal abuse is no fun and can be as bad or worse than physical abuse..
Practice saying something nice once a day to eachother? Maybe?
He probably won't go for that.
Take up a class of some sort or volunteer for a bit.

Hugs and Prayers are being sent to you :)

Bless your heart...I can feel your anxiety. I am sending you love, hugs and healing energy. Take lots of deep breaths...sometimes this works for me. You are in my prayers...

We are all.here with you. After a major surgery, I don't believe his temperament will improve. Even though you may feel guilty, you sound like you've sacrificed enough. After the first few weeks of recovery, is there a place for him to go to give you a break? It's not selfish, it's self preservation. We only get one life, and I'd like you to have some happiness in yours. Sending hugs and prayers.

We’ve been through the blocked carotid artery, stroke, so many patches and stents I’ve lost track. Mine is also an abuser. Sadly, most women have had lower earnings throughout life, raising children, so we often won’t get enough Social Security to cover our needs. Many of us will have to file to receive benefits under our husband’s benefit. That is my case. Being disabled myself, I can’t support myself, very sick all day every day, or most days. And I am expected to care for him, and being verbally and emotionally abused all the while. I’m too sick to even pack and leave, nowhere to go. And the doctors and hospital keep dumping him on me, even when I tell them I cannot care for him. They just refuse to make him good and ready, before sending him home to a sick caregiver. So don’t count on that happening, despite how many people telling you the doctors and hospital will take care of arrangements. Not always do they do their discharge job.
That said, whatever you decide, we are here for you. One thing I had to implement during the last recovery was my own version of time outs. I simply remove myself to another room. There’s always something I need to do in another room. And I’ve found he doesn’t make the effort to follow me to continue his haranguing. I simply announce, here’s your water, a snack, I’ll be working in another room, will be back to check on you. After an hour, I reappear. If he starts verbally abusing me, I leave again, another hour. He’s most likely a narcissist, as he will never apologize. He wasn’t like this when we married. Now the closet Narc is out. I’m just not putting up with it. If I’m sick, I have a TV in bedroom. It’s not the best way to live. I understand your situation. Due to the length of marriage, 10+ years, you will be able to file for Social Security under his benefits, if higher than yours, even if you divorce. It’s the paltry reward built into the system, to compensate women for being home, raising the children. But you can get it if you choose to leave.
Head up, chin up, come here whenever you need.

Hugs!

Many hugs to you. Your situation is very much like my own. As for life after a stent or bypass, my own husband was quite compliant for several weeks once home from the hospital. Due to complications he was in hospital for 10 days.
Many friends and my children repeatedly tell me to "take care of myself". First! If you are like me, you will find that the hardest thing to do. I just can't seem to manage to do that with all that is expected of me now. BUT, the best thing I did was to find a therapist to see once a week. At the very least, it gets me out of the house for a couple hours. At best, I leave the session feeling renewed, restored, and empowered. I encourage you to find one. You can say and report things you simply don't want to share with family and friends. You can cry, and not be told to "be strong". (You ARE strong). I just don't know what I would do without it, to look forward to when moments are rough, and for replenishing when I'm depleted.
Many hugs to you. I send you my best. Love, m

Find out If he has insurance coverage for a care giver. If he is abusive you need to get out. I speak from experience. You don't realize how badge it is until you get away from it. You deserve a life and things will get worse for you and better for him.

Both the stent and bypass options are far more routine now than they used to be and while they are certainly different recoveries, which is why they are options for the same problem, providing there aren't any major complications life should go back to the normal from a year, two or more ago. It is possible that his mood and memory have been slipping in large part due to the heart blockage. Not getting enough blood flow, oxygen to the brain and exchanging the co2/waste can have a bigger affect than you think and because it gradually gets worse over time, greater than you realize. That said if the marriage hasn't been good for 46 years fixing his heart blockage isn't going to produce miracles. It should however give you the opportunity to leave should that still be your desire without feeling like your abandoning him during a time of medical need. It might take a little longer if you want to wait until he is through this but if all he needs is a stent, the recovery is very short and patients often notice a big difference immediately with full benefit in a couple weeks maybe. If he needs bypass that takes a bit longer but you might even have the option of a short term rehab facility if you show hesitation about your ability to care for him at home and he will be up and around (barring other mobility issues he may already have) before leaving the hospital. Much of his recovery time and success will have to do with his determination and ability to follow orders but my mom for instance had a stroke just before she was scheduled for heart surgery. A month later she had that surgery, triple bypass, valve replacement and aortic repair (they found it was shredded when they got in) and her recovery from the surgery was very quick, no rehab facility for that and thank goodness no further strokes during and following the surgery so her care needs have been far more about her speech and processing from the original stroke, her physical abilities improved immediately.

I would also suggest you take this opportunity to get your children more involved or at least up to speed and taking on some responsibility even if it's from a far since they don't live in the area. With your husband going in for any heart procedure they will ask about POA and having things in order so it's a perfect excuse for him getting those things in order and you might even suggest one of the children either along with you or instead be given POA or at least MPOA, that way should you leave him later you will know someone else has that authority should his mind get worse.

I'm sending lots of positive energy your way and big HUGS anytime you need them!