My spouse has Alzheimer’s and his brother has been unkind and harassing me. What are my rights?
The brother has had a very minimal relationship with my spouse, but suddenly showed up at our home. I have only seen this brother a handful of times at family gatherings and funerals in the past 13 years I have been married to my spouse. He was yelling outside our home and banging on the door and said he would get a court order if he couldn’t see his brother. He did this after trying to call my spouse two times the evening before, but we were at the lake and my spouse had left his phone at home by mistake.
He was very aggressive toward me and belittling. He was questioning my care and who told my husband he couldn’t drive, who is doctors are, etc. I didn’t feel safe so brought my spouse to the porch for a visit. He also calls my spouse and makes arrangements with him, without consulting with me about our schedule and then doesn’t believe me if we have plans. I have limited contact with this brother now, as I don’t feel safe having contact with him and most recently declined his phone calls due to continued harassment. Now he is telling the other siblings about me and they have started to treat me the same way. The brother in question is 66 and the other siblings are in their 80s. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. What are my rights? Thank you.
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What really got me is the Lawyer saying they wanted ur husbands assets. This just boggles my mind. Why do siblings feel they are entitled to another siblings money when there is a spouse. Once married the spouse becomes #1 and their children siblings and parents come after if at all. Is this a cultural thing?
When I first started on this forum a woman was complaining that her brothers SS stopped after his death. She felt his adult kids or her adult kids deserved to get it. You know like a pension survivor. As we know, thats not how it works. Another was mad that SS stopped paying after death because she had her relatives bills to pay. Sorry, but it happens sometime. His bills just don't get paid.
Her good-news update from the 8th of March got kind of lost in the shuffle, so I’ve cut and pasted it here:
“Hello
Im not sure if I responded to you…I do appreciate your reply and advice. BIL made complaints against me to the county and had 2 of his siblings do the same. All fabrications which were found to be false. My attorney stated that they wanted to get our assets. Heartless people.”
All accusations against her were found to be false by the county. Hurrah!
czechchick, keep your chin up, we’re still pulling for you and your dear husband. Bon courage!
I don't think anyone doing hands-on caregiving owes siblings and other not-involved family any explanations or evidence upon demand. You can give them some basic update info, Czech, and see if it calms things down and creates understanding. It could antagonize the bro further. Who knows.
You have the right to ignore them and not respond. Document everything in case you need it. Besides to show evidence of harassment, you may need documentation for an APS investigation if family/brother calls them in.
You can try sharing more information with his family and if that backfires then go to no-contact and legal protections, perhaps.
Unless there's more to the in-person harassment, I don't think you have enough for a protection order from a court. Having bro trespassed would be pretty easy, though, if he ever comes back.
And to be perfectly frank. If a 66 year old man posted that his 77 year old brother was being isolated and disabled by his wife of 13 years, I'd bet that the forum would be quick to give him every sympathy and jump to all sorts of conclusions about the wife.
I'm sure his suspicions are both disproportionate and unfounded, but how is he to know that? He's heard news he doesn't want to agree with - that his brother has Alzheimer's Disease and mustn't drive, for example - and he's not going to accept it without proof. And even more unfortunately, such suspicions are infectious, as you are finding out.
Is there a family member you still are on good terms with? Because if you can you want to stop this before it gets totally out of hand.
We got one when someone was harassing my parents; it was easy as the county had an attorney assigned specifically to assist those who needed protection. We completed the forms, the attorney presented it to the judge on call who made a few changes, we gave it to the Sheriff's office for service, and sighed a big sigh of relief.
I'm sure the process has changed as just glancing at the county's website, I saw that there were PPOs for different issues. Unfortunately, it seems that harassment isn't a unique and limited event.
Did you have to have a court appearance? Thank you so much for your response.
So have you been able to get BIL out of your hair?
I also liked Maggie61r’s advice about documenting everything. Keep a running list of what the aggressive accusatory brother — and the other siblings who are being turned against you — are saying and doing. Keep detailed notes. Detailed, not just date but time, date, what was done, duration of the attempted interaction etc…
I had a terrifying stalker who just wouldn’t give up. The police were involved for months and finally the man was deported. My heart is literally beginning to pound hard even remembering the stressful time. I kept scrupulous documentation. Being able to prove to the police the hundreds of times per week that my stalker called, came to the door, followed me to work and back home was helpful in getting the authorities to write a restraining order and when that did nothing, deportation worked.
Finally, set up some inexpensive security cameras for your exterior. I got a set of RING cameras, set them up myself, and feel so much safer. Do the same. RING keeps all video in the cloud for a specified length of time, and if you need to show that your aggressive brother in law is harassing your household, all you need to do after the fact is either press a button on the video page when you see that he has been at your house, video will download automatically and be saved to your phone or device, or press a different button and you can email yourself a copy of the time in question. It was just harder and more troublesome to try to type to you how easy it is, then it is in real life. It is easy, and if you have documentation against your brother-in-law, the authorities will take your complaints seriously.
Im not sure if I responded to you…I do appreciate your reply and advice. BIL made complaints against me to the county and had 2 of his siblings do the same. All fabrications which were found to be false. My attorney stated that they wanted to get our assets. Heartless people.
You are your husbands wife. You come before siblings. You also have POA as such you do not need to keep anyone informed about his health. You tell the other siblings that you are afraid of this brother. That he had not kept in touch until now. That he has no rights. That it is your home and you do not need to allow him in. Get that lawyer, there is legal aid and charges by income, and get a cease and desist order for that brother. If he continues to harass u, then get a restraining order. Don't worry about what the others think. You are in charge and you make the final decisions concerning ur husbands care.
Though it may not go this far, I would suggest notifying his doctor and ask for documentation as far as his diagnosis, driving ability, care, etc. so you have it just in case they try to say you aren't caring for him as you should.
I wish you the best of luck.
Sorry you are going through this on top of everything else you have on your plate.
There was a lot more, but I will run out of space. A lot was very nasty and was obviously an attempt to undermine me - even though I was the PRIMARY caregiver and there was no one to take my place if I stepped down.
Well, I did step down. And no one stepped in - not even crazy sibling. Elder is now in a nursing home and I can always tell when she has spoken to sister recently because she's all flustered and demanding to leave facility. I am left to assume that sibling is now doing the "You don't belong in a place like this" types of tactics and elder is taking it quite seriously. Sib also showed up at the nursing home one day and caused a scene - during which the staff called me and asked what to do. I told them to call authorities if she did not leave on her own. Period.
A lot of this is due to sister being a know it all who HATES all nursing homes (she has never fully explained this). However, my softer side tells me it must be so immensely difficult to see a sib go through a major health crisis and I think a lot of the aggression and nastiness/nosiness are really based in the sibling's own fear or possibly remorse at past wrongs is coming to the surface or who knows what.
That said, your husband's brother has no right to scare you or question your judgment in a harassing/intimidating manner. As previously suggested, I'd consider the police report and/or restraining order - the only difference being, I would not tell the brother I was planning to do that. I'd just do it and let him be blindsided and accountable for his actions. In our case, sib is such a narcissist that the power of ignore was tremendously effective against her. Maybe it will help you as well.
Get a lawyer to write him a letter saying as much if need be. It might be enough to get him to back off. I have a feeling he's all bluster.
Siblings do not have the same expectations of 'closeness' as they do w/parents. They also have no rights, to speak of. Esp. when the sibling is being cared for and is secure, safe and happy. If your DH were being abused or neglected, that's one thing, but he's not.
If your DH is fine with the arrangements and is happy and comfortable with his current care, why in the world is his sibling causing grief? Sounds like the guy has a screw loose.
I think there is one of 'these' in every family.
Talk to you local seniors agency. Ask them for help. Quite likely the brother will try to file a report of abuse against you. Be proactive and protect yourself.
You do not have to let any one into your home.
Unless the brother has POA, you do not have to answer any of his questions regarding doctors, driving etc.
You may also want to talk to your husband's doctors about this behaviour and make sure they do not inadvertently give out any information about your husband to anyone else.