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If she balks, suggest that she is a little too overly attached to her treasures and would benefit from counselling. Then, get her a referral from her usual primary care provider for psychiatric evaluation and treatment.
In her younger days, up into her 80s, she always offered refreshment and it was delicious. Many people gathered into her tiny kitchen and visited. The kitchen was tiny all on its own. No room to hoard anything there. And these weren’t petite people. Then a granddaughter moved in with her two toddlers. They were crazy about those kids but there was only the tiny kitchen then as the GD had taken over the living room which was very comfortable in the past. Then the uncle was embarrassed when someone came in. They were very gregarious, outgoing people and if you visited it was easier to meet them at a resturant.
She died in 2014 and he in 2016. Both in their mid 90s.
I can only imagine what it took to clear that home in time and labor.
Hoarding presents in different ways. Thankfully your wife doesn’t hoard animals or waste.
When my cousin, same side of the family, was caring for her parents in their home, she began to hoard. There was a thrift shop near by and she would stop in there to relieve anxiety and pick up things she didn’t need. Her sister called me once complaining. I called the fire department and described what the sister was upset about and he said it sounded ok.
So, you could do that. Arrange for the fire department to come in and see what the condition is and ask for safety guidelines.
Cousin used to not mention it at all then she had a tree go through the roof and repairs had to be done. The contractor told her she would have to clear the area and she was able to do it.
You could ask for certain spaces to be “yours” and to be kept clear except for the most minimal furnishings. That would help both of you. But you would have to stand firm. Her desire to fill it will be strong.
Here is a link with information Aging Care has posted as well as others who have written in about it. It might be helpful for you to read of others experiences.
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=Hoarding
We had to extricate my sister (hoarder) from my mother’s home so my mother could come home — to her own home — from a residential PT rehab facility. It’s a very difficult issue. She (sister) wouldn’t take it seriously until my mother told her verbally and in writing that she was prepared to initiate eviction proceedings to remove her. We gave our sister/her daughter a deadline to do it on her own, then hired movers, and pre-paid for 3 months of climate controlled storage.
It’s a very difficult issue.
Best of luck.
IMO you have only 2 choices; live separately, or choose to continue to live with her and put up with her hoarding behavior. I'm sure you're aware that hoarding creates a very unhealthy living environment - fire risks, falling risks, dust allergens, rodent and insect infestations, and appliances that don't work. Workman to fix broken appliances are unable to access appliances, internet connections, plumbing problems, refrigerator issues, heating/ac problems, etc etc.
Maybe there are more choices I'm not aware of. I hope you can find a solution.
and as you say affects your life
they had tv series on and the psychologist came in on each episode and s dry one of them experienced something traumatic - a loss - a divorce - you name it - which set off the hoarding
it was to make them feel secure
and on the show people were literally having melt downs / couldn’t cope when their things were taken away from them
even with a psychologist some still refused to give up their stuff
my older brother is a hoarder - I didn’t realise it fir years and it went back to a car accident which affected his ability to go out etc. I tried to persuade him to give up sone of his caneras
there were tears and tantrums - he finally agreed to release a small portion- not enough to really make a difference but a start
—-
Possible solutions:
not much of one
I think …
1. Slowly get rid of stuff when your wife isn’t noticing
nothing you think she really would hold dear - hoarding stuff
2. Sit down with her and say let’s sort we need the space and agree say three boxes she can decide to keep and pine them on top of each other
3. Bring in a medical to address with her
truth is if the issues your wife have not been resolved internally she would even if you did dejunk start again
younmight want to speak to your doctor about counselling for your wife and maybe it may help release stuff
I don’t think this will be an overnight process so be prepared
in meantime- can you designate one room for her ‘stuff’ sk that the rest of the house is clear
and a rule- no more buying unless she’s willing to give up something for something new
only you know your wife
have you spoken to her to tell her the clutter is making you feel unwell
you feel claustrophobic ? And you both need to agree to give up some and sort what’s important
tell her it won’t be thrown away but given to charity to help someone less fortunate ?
good luck ?
* You plan to have someone take her out to lunch - for the afternoon or even an all day adventure. THEN
* You get helpers to help you go through boxes - and take to Good Will or some to the dump.
* You DO NOT discuss with her. There is no reason to do this as she will protest and cause emotional upset / an argument.
* It is potentially a fire hazard and a fall waiting to happen.
* Mostly, it is stuff that likely she doesn't even know is there.
You need to take control of this situation as she cannot / will not.
Gena / Touch Matters
If you personally could work with a counselor who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with hoarders, you might be able to get ideas on "how to negotiate" some boundaries, such as "stuff can only be kept in basement and garage". That might be the best you can do, at this point in life. I think this means that you new home is currently "clutter free/box free" and that might be as good a solution as you are able to achieve. You can talk with the Therapist about what your boundary negotiating power might be. I am not being sarcastic when I say that one thing that might make you feel better about NOT leaving a huge mess for your Heirs would be: To set aside a $25, 000 - $50,000 Savings Account that will be used by Heirs to clear your home. It's going to be a formidable task, getting rid of all the "stuff and boxes". I would want to spare my children the anguish of going through boxes. Leave money earmarked for a professional hoarder clearing company, and you will feel less anguish at leaving behind a huge problem that others will have to deal with. As for your current situation, if the boxes can be kept in only garage and basement AND no new "stuff acquired" going forward: This may be the way you and your wife can live harmoniously for the remainder of life. Hoarding is a mental disorder that is usually rooted in extreme loss, grief, or early abuse. If you could live in your new home with only the basement and garage being taken over by the boxes: That might be your best case scenario. I hope this post doesn't sound negative; I mean for it to be a survival tactic for you as husband.
I would seek out a therapist who deals in hoarding disorder. It is a form of mental illness (which is typically trauma-triggered). Loving family members are well-meaning but are not capable of helping or "fixing" her. A specialized therapist will give you great guidance on what you can do at this point, even if she refuses to see one with you.
Just know that I personally don't think that it works for family to intervene. Not without great sacrifice and grief on their own part, and often little change for their hoarding loved one.
Hoarding is now, I believe a newly recognized mental disorder in the DSM-5. As is true of MOST mental disorders, it is rarely effectively treated. The fact that it is a disorder, however, can get you coverage for treatment. And it may give you an option for being appointed a conservator.
This is something I can only imagine, quite honestly, can be effectively treated in two ways. Either
1. The family acts for the hoarding senior despite protests. This may mean conservatorship.
2. The senior is placed in care where there isn't access to being able to hoard and where things are managed. This would require also a conservatorship.
I don't know if you ever watch any of the episodes on Hoarding on TV but there are a lot of youtube videos for you as well. There is seldom much success, and it is very trying for family. The county often is involved because of unsafe living conditions.
I am so sorry, and I wish I had more hopeful and better news, but I have NEVER seen hoarding successfully treated, myself.
There are many good books on the subject. Start with the book STUFF by Gail Steketee and Randy Frost. Another good one is Digging Out and is about cleanup. That one is by Michael Tompkins.
I felt guilty cleaning out my parents' house because both of my parents held onto these items since they were children. If you aren't going to use something for more than a year, toss it or donate it.
I believe that this behavior is a combination of mental illness and future cognitive issues.
Diagnosis
People often don't seek treatment for hoarding disorder, but rather for other issues, such as depression, anxiety or relationship problems. To help diagnose hoarding disorder, it's best to see a mental health provider who has expertise in diagnosing and treating the condition. You'll have a mental health exam that includes questions about emotional well-being. You'll likely be asked about your beliefs and behaviors related to getting and saving items and the impact clutter may have on your quality of life. Your mental health provider may ask your permission to talk with relatives and friends. Pictures and videos of your living spaces and storage areas affected by clutter are often helpful. You also may be asked questions to find out if you have symptoms of other mental health conditions.
Treatment
Treatment of hoarding disorder can be challenging but effective if you keep working on learning new skills. Some people don't recognize the negative impact of hoarding on their lives or don't believe they need treatment. This is especially true if the possessions or animals offer comfort. If these possessions or animals are taken away, people will often react with frustration and anger. They may quickly collect more to help satisfy emotional needs.
The main treatment for hoarding disorder is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a skills-based approach to therapy. You learn how to better manage beliefs and behaviors that are linked to keeping the clutter. Your provider also may prescribe medicines, especially if you have anxiety or depression along with hoarding disorder.
CBT
Cognitive behavioral therapy is the main treatment for hoarding disorder. Try to find a therapist or other mental health provider with expertise in treating hoarding disorder.
As part of CBT, you may:
Learn to identify and challenge thoughts and beliefs related to getting and saving items.
Learn to resist the urge to get more items.
Learn to organize and group things to help you decide which ones to get rid of, including which items can be donated.
Improve your decision-making and coping skills.
Remove clutter in your home during in-home visits by a therapist or professional organizer.
Learn to reduce isolation and increase opportunities to join in meaningful social activities and supports.
Learn ways to increase your desire for change.
Attend family or group therapy.
Have occasional visits or ongoing treatment to help you keep up healthy habits.
Treatment often involves regular help from family, friends and agencies to help remove clutter. This is often the case for the elderly or those struggling with medical conditions that may make it difficult to keep up the effort and desire to make changes.
There is more information available on the Mayo's website here:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hoarding-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20356062
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
So really the first step is seeing if your wife will talk to a therapist that deals directly with hoarding, and then take things from there.
But until then I would just start getting rid of the boxes in your basement and garage little by little and hopefully she won't notice.
And if there are some things/memories she wants to remember you can take pictures of those things before you get rid of them so she can look at the pictures anytime she wants to.
And who cares if you get in argument with her, this is your home too, and you deserve to live in a clean uncluttered home.
There are no easy answers here. I just wish you the very best as I'm sure your children(if you have any)sure as heck don't want to have to deal with the hot mess after you both die.
So if you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your children.
I hope others have better advice for you.
Best of luck