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For some it's a power or attention thing. As someone mentioned on another thread, their MIL liked to 'run' waiters & staff. Show em who's Boss lady etc.
Some separation, with love is healthy & recommended in these cases. ie drawing new boundaries. Stepping back where you need to.
"me visiting alone one week, and the two of us visit together the other week"
YES! A great start - I love your idea. Just take care.
MIL will be wanting DH's place as 'Servant Numero Uno' filled pronto. You may wish to scale back temporarily, with a view to winding back more, until the Assisted Living place MIL pays for is allowed to assist her. At present MIL may sleep there but you & DH are providing her assisted living, yes? Step this all back.
Laundry? AL. Most requests? AL where possible. Any running all over town for particular items? Delivery. Any running around for various Doctors? AL Doctor.
Please suggest your lovely DH read the Boundaries book by Townsend & Cloud.
"he's a super responsible man, and doesn't set boundaries".
Responsible people DO set boundaries. That's the key message. It IS healthy to stand up others, whether children, partners, workmates or elders, or they become entitled & spoilt brats.
Look into Memory Care Assisted Living which will give MIL a much higher level of care if she's too far along for regular Assisted Living. I had to move my mother from regular AL into Memory Care in June of 2019 when her dementia and physical limits became too great for AL to handle. She's 95 next month, has a narcissistic personality as well, and lives to complain about EVERYTHING under the sun. My husband always says we can put her up in the Palace of Versailles and she'd complain the gold was tarnished.
Good luck and Godspeed to both of you
Then he will not need to feel guilty as he will be taking positive action to keep himself alive and sane.
You deserve this request for him to see a therapist for putting up with her and allowing her to destroy your happiness.
He has to take some responsibility! I know you think he is being responsible but he really isn’t. He’s being abused and dragging you along for protection.
He has learned little about dementia if he continues to try to convince his mother of anything. Never mind the narcissism. I know that’s impossible to “never mind” but just saying….dementia alone is not to be argued with. It’s futile.
Look up Teepa Snow on YouTube and learn how she manages dementia conversations. She’s funny and positive and gives great demonstrations of how to move the conversation along.
You protect him by insisting he get help for himself, not for his mom. You can do this Deb. You are amazing and he is a lucky man.
Great suggestions in the thread.
Quite frankly, he'll need to interact with her as she is now, not as a person capable of using logic or empathy. She's in AL so that her needs can be met. Back off on the tasks you're doing and take advantage of what the AL offers (like laundry). Reduce the visits even more if you need to. Life's too short.
Your husband may find this article helpful, as well as watching some of the Teepa Snow videos on you tube about how to respond to a person with dementia. At least it may help him reassess how he interacts with her and be less stressed. Good luck,
http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX
When she gets mean, it's "well, we'll talk soon." Then leave. If she talks nice about the AL, what she's doing there, then stay. The behavior is better around you because she DOES have a sense of boundaries with you but not him.