I moved from across the country as a new widow to help my aging parents 9 years ago. I have no siblings or cousins, no aunts or uncles. Two years ago I moved next door to help with my father who had dementia. This past summer he moved to memory care, had a fall, and died at 95.
My 92-year-old mother now wants to move in with me to save money. She helps me with some bills, as I stopped working to be a caregiver.
I live in a 1,500 square foot condo and know that her routine and preferences would take priority over mine. I don’t want to sacrifice my home and life for her “saving money.”
I help with her numerous medications, shopping, take her to doctor appointments, take care of household repair and maintenance, manage her bills and finances. She currently uses a walker and can slowly complete ADLs on her own. She’s becoming forgetful but this isn’t dementia.
We have always had a combative relationship as our communication styles, world perspectives are wildly different. That’s being charitable.
Whatever reason I give for her not moving in, she has an reason that it would work. When I say that I prefer living alone, we would be on top of each other, I have my own lifestyle, she feels hurt that I don’t want her.
My mother doesn’t want to go to the senior center for socializing, or have an aide for companionship, or move to assisted living. Again she has a reason for refusing every suggestion.
I don’t know what else to tell her because no matter what I say, she becomes hurt and angry that I don’t want her. Which is the truth. My sacrifice of “helping for 9 years has been quite enough without total loss of the boundaries I currently have.
Unfortunately, my mother will remain home until an accident or event. In my father’s case, it was sundowning that finally made my mother understand that he needed more care than we could give.
When my mother cannot adequately take care of herself, then she’ll need price care, either and aide or assisted living.
The issue now is twofold: coping with my mother’s hurt feelings and resulting anger& sulking; and dealing with her never ending reasoning for having her way. She was always able to wear down my father with these tactics. She does wear me out, but I will not meet her demands.
DO NOT move her in. DO NOT live together.
People that have always enjoyed functional and loving relationships with their parents all their lives often find those relationships become seriously damaged and even destroyed completely because they moved in an elderly parent. If you had a combative relationship with her to begin with, moving her into your home (even if you wanted to which you don't) will ruin your life.
Any love or affection you might have for her will quickly be replaced with anger and resentment.
Please, for both of your sakes, do not move her into your home.
However mom may be correctly concerned about expenses.
Her care needs will increase. Yours may as well. Remember you are getting older right along with mom. Using moms income/assets are not the way to meet your needs. If she is subsidizing you, this can cause a delay or refusal of any future assistance from any gov assistance for her care. She has to keep her paperwork clear as to what is happening with her finances in the event such assistance is needed. Many a healthy bank balance will diminish rapidly under the staggering cost of facility health care. You have already seen how that plays out with the price of your dads memory care.
I am not suggesting that she not pay her way. I am suggesting that you have a more formal arrangement to make sure what you are doing doesn’t cause a future problem that necessitates the thing you are trying to avoid.
Another reason mom may be pushing for combining households is because she is afraid of being alone. When you say she manages her ADLs with enough time it reminded me of when my DH aunt started being afraid of taking a bath alone in the house. She was in her 80s. She would call someone to check on her in 30 min if they hadn’t heard from her. When we had Home Health come in she still took her own bath w/o help but they were nearby should she need them.
I would use moms conversations about expenses as a reminder to seek the advice of a certified elder law attorney well versed in your states Medicaid laws to make sure mom will be able to get the help she needs when the time comes.
I wish you all the best dealing with the tough position aging parents can put us in, when they must have their way. Do not put yourself last, please.
I had also given my parents the same choices as you gave your parents, such as downsizing and moving to a retirement community.... having caregivers come in to help.... go to the senior community center, etc. Dad was all for it, my Mom no, never, nada. Mom won the debate. Thus, my parents had to live with not choosing any of those choices.
After Mom had passed, eventually Dad sold his house and moved to senior living. Oh how he loved being there, being around people of his own age group, etc. He had weekly housekeeping and weekly linen service, plus 3 meals a day in the restaurant style dining room. Some of the women residents were dressed to the 9's for dinner and you could see they were quite happy.
Here's one idea, tell Mom you have a friend who's Mom is thinking about moving to Independent Living at a senior "apartment", and that friend wants you and your Mom to tour the place and for Mom to give her pros and cons. You can set up a tour which usually includes lunch. That way Mom can see how nice these places are. My Dad was surprise at how much it looked like a hotel :)
You are going to have to minimize these exchanges even further to save your sanity. If it works to repeat back to your mother the words she has just spoken to you, try that, and inform her that this is the content of every conversation with her and you can no longer engage in this loop.
She's 92, there is dementia and as it worsens, the loops will become less varied. Write down what she says and provide her with a copy, tell her that none of this sways your resolve. Then ask it she's got any other angles to try. Inform that no matter what she tries, you are resolved. And do not give her a key to your place; you may come home to find her ensconced in your refuge.
Her combativeness will get worse and you have to start shielding yourself from this abuse - that is truly what it is - and do whatever is required to spare yourself. If you talk daily, drop to every other, if weekly, drop to every two, etc. If it's multiple xs per day, you need to start blocking calls. Make yourself unavailable.
Kudos that you're keeping your living situation boundaries intact, time to work on more distancing.
She sounds like the perfect candidate for an AL with options for increased care. She could have people around her who want to hear her tales and yes, she'll tell them all that you're completely rotten so be prepared for her lies.
About all that you can do is create more distance and allow her to fail. I'd advise against bringing in help because you'd end up being the fall back when nobody shows for a shift and you'd be tasked with overseeing it all. Let her do for herself until she no ,longer can and then have her placed, hopefully, it won't be a dramatic event that precipitates her placement, but that may be what it takes.
You have done way more than your share and it's time to devote yourself to rebuilding your own life. Pls, never allow any guilt to cloud your clear resolve.
I wish you and your mom all the best.
Good for you for having such a strong resolve to say NO to moving in. My mom lived here for 7 years. Just moved to AL with mild/moderate dementia. She pulled the same crap with me about not wanting to go to the senior center or have helpers or AL. I felt bad and did it her way. But then I drew a line in the sand and said I am NOT doing anything more. So hired a cleaning lady to take care of her stuff and the common areas. Then hired caregivers. She didn't like it but so be it. I liked it and that's what mattered. AL? Oy the negativity was big. But she's there and adjusting.
Stay strong, don't argue, don't give in. Make up a "story" as to why you can't do X or why she needs to do Y.
Good luck.
My Mom and I had a great relationship. She would ask me to get her the thingamagig and I knew what she meant. 50 years of not living together changed that. Now 80 or so she had to stay with me a couple of weeks after a hospital visit. By the end we came to the conclusion we had lost that "just knowing what each other wanted thing". Not sure if it was her getting older or I was just not tuned in but she was ready to go home and I was ready to drive her there. Can't imagine what it would be like to take in a parent that I had never communicated completely with at all.
The next time Mom mentions it, u may have to be blunt "Sorry Mom, in my gut I know it will not work. So please...do not ask again because it will not happen. If she asks again, ignore her. My MIL was passive-aggressive. Her boys never said no, just went on their way. Which to her meant they said yes. She was on my husband from 1992 to his retirement in 2009 to move near her in Fla were she had moved in 1989 3 yrs befor FIL passed. He never said no, but he never said yes. He just let her talk. After his retirement, it got worse until she got me on the phone and I told her that it was never going to happen because I did not want to move to Fla. I had a widowed mother and a disabled nephew who lived with her, to watch over. No other siblings near by. I had 2 adult daughters and a grandson at the time. I was not leaving my family. Her response was Mom could move down with me. My Mom was 80 by then. Had her Church and friends, I would not be moving her. MIL said "well some of us have to compromise." I almost said "everyone but you" but i didn't she was 87 by then. She chose at the age of 68 to move 900 miles away from friends and the only son with children who lived close. She would not move back here after DH died. So my DH said "thats her choice and she needs to live with that". Got to love him.
I understand her loneliness. I’m lonely too as a widow. But I’d rather live alone than live with someone I don’t enjoy being with.
It sounds like this isn't entirely about her wanting to save money. If she is sulking and angry and has an answer for everything? There's more to it for her.
She is probably lonely with your father being gone. But since she refuses to do any socializing or hire aides, she may be looking to YOU, and only you, to be her world. You're right in that if she moved in, she'd take over. She'll be the mother and you'll be the kid again. It'll be like the life she had long ago, the good old days. That would be great for her, hell for you!
One angle you could take is independence. Most people her age would love to be able to live in their own home safely. Why would she want to give that up?
Being extremely argumentative is a hallmark behavior OF dementia. I would stop discounting that possibility for your mother and have her checked out fully by her PCP. And I'd stick to my guns 100% and let her know how fortunate she truly IS to have you living next door after uprooting your entire life 9 years ago to devote yourself to your parents as you have, unselfishly, and it's STILL not enough. Some mother's are like this, unfortunately, and we read about it all the time here on the forum.
I put my foot down about not living with my parents many decades ago when my mother 'casually' suggested they'd pay ME the $5k a month in rent it would cost them for Assisted Living rather than 'waste' it. I told THEM in no uncertain terms that while I'd always be there for them, they'd NOT be moving in with me or me with them. Period. And I stuck to my guns the entire time, helping them move close to me in 2011, into IL, then AL and then Memory Care AL for my mother when her dementia got bad in 2019. They're both gone now but I managed their lives for them and managed to preserve mine and my husband's along the way.
You say, " She was always able to wear down my father with these tactics. She does wear me out, but I will not meet her demands." My mother was the Queen of these passive-aggressive tactics to get her way, and dad would cave in, and so would I ...when I was a KID. I grew to resent her BS and I learned how to side-step her passive-aggressive communication tactics (which is, in reality, a FAILURE to communicate & a manipulation technique used to cow us into submission). Let her know you are ONTO her games and will not play them. Next time she brings up the sulking game, leave her presence. And every time thereafter. She will learn in SHORT ORDER that using these PA tactics will not achieve the desired results!
My condolences on the loss of your husband and your father to dementia at 95. Please be very careful to preserve YOUR life now, lest you give it up to your mother's unreasonable demands. Best of luck sticking to your guns. "I love you mom, I just value my autonomy MORE than anything else in life right now. Sorry but this subject is closed for further discussion."
That said, my father’s dementia had all the hallmarks of suspicion and mistrust and belligerence. My mother is simply nasty, but I’m watching for symptoms. Having watched my father progress over the past 4 years, I can see what can play out. I do have professional allies to help, as they did with my father.
Live separately, make her misplace her key to your place and save yourself. It is too easy to help a bit today, a bit more tomorrow, and even more next week, until you are completely consumed by caregiving.
move in and that there won’t be further discussion on the matter. Case closed.
if she persists tell her you are there for her, you are right next door. Threaten to move away if she continues.
Perhaps I get things out of proportion because I need to use ear plugs often for various things. But here goes again:
When she raises the subject again, put your good industrial earplugs in your ears. No discussion. Earplugs talk for you. They say, I’m not listening, I don’t want to listen, I can’t hear. They also say, you are talking to yourself, you are ignoring everything I say, I don’t care if you sulk, you are being a PIA.
That’s the most useful conversation you can have, without even opening your mouth. Fantastic value!
You do so many things for her, and that's very good and kind of you, but what could she actually do for herself? If the answer is "nothing," we're back to dementia.
She's combative, apparently doesn't understand her true situation, and has unrealistic expectations. You keep telling her the same thing over and over, and she still doesn't comprehend. Take another turn, move five spaces, and we're back to dementia.
Fold up the game board, tell her she's not moving in with you, and look at some memory care places. You've done your stint with your father, and you've given it all you have. Game over.
If the game is Dementia.. you nailed it.
Dementia isn't a skin growth we can see or an arm in a sling - it's an insidious creep deep in the brain. (I picture a mini ivy plant growing a bit wild in there).
And if NOT dementia? Not losing cognitive skills to reason or removing empathy? Then it's the regular game of manipulation I suppose.
Don't be lured into that game either!
This thread gave me strength today. Have to see my Mom on Tuesday. The post & comments remind me to protect myself. Armor on!
You can be sure she has information about the alternatives that are available to her and offer to help her with them, if you want to. She is using her hurt and anger to try to manipulate you into letting her live with you. My mother did the same but I let her know that living with me was never an option. She ended up being very well cared for in facilities when she needed them.
You are not alone. It seems many parents put this pressure on their children. There is no obligation for you or anyone to sacrifice their life to care for parents as they age. ((((((hugs))))) I know it is not easy nor pleasant to deal with.
"When saying NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you get."
Hang tough. Book a vacation.
run
run far run fast
Cause my mom and I have always gotten along (save a few moments of angst) and we love each other very very much and this is.. very, very hard.
I don't think I am dealing with "exactly dementia" with my mom either but here's the thing: at a certain point Drs will use a hundred words to describe a thing and it'll be dementia or delirium or MCI or whatever and at the end of the day it is literally six of one to a half a dozen of the other, it does not MATTER what the diagnosis code is, the issues you will deal with are identical. The only issue I have is the "put ice cream on tray and walk away boom instant distraction" doesn't work with my mom ;) A lot of the "dementia tricks" don't. But she still shouldn't be getting behind the wheel of a car or answering any calls from "Scam Likely".
Keep your boundaries. Seriously. If you know she's not going to mesh well with you. Dementia or not, what, would dementia make it okay for you to be abused? Or okay for you to be abused cause its not dementia?
Get a job and stop needing her help with bills ASAP. Before you accidentally think you owe her.
You need to untether from her which is what I'm working on but it's hard
Some people do anticipate the problems that arise from living together and avoid it like the plague.
Others are blind to what the future holds.
You are very lucky to have found this forum. There are loads of people here, myself included, that will tell you that it’s never easy to have a parent living in our home.
Remain your mother’s daughter without being her roommate/caregiver! You can care for her and retain your privacy at home.
Go home. Cry some if you need to. The place where I put my mom had a rule about no contact for the first week or two weeks (can't remember which) and I was frankly happy for the rule.
She may be angry or she may be happy to see you. It no longer matters. She does not live with you and she lives somewhere where she can mingle, make friends, play games, watch movies with others, and open up to a new way of living.