My mother has been living in our home for 11 years She is 92 years old. My husband has cancer and a very bad heart. How do I get her to go?

Thank you all so much for your support and wise advice. My husband seems like a changed person. He was always “on guard” with my mother as she wouldn’t eat or use her walker. We were always so stressed wondering when the next hospital stay would be. My sister is as mean and manipulative as my mother is. I told them I am not paying for this move as this was their decision not mine. I will start packing up her things and have them ready. Thank you all again. The guilt I feel seems to get better every day. In my heart I know I did the right thing for myself and the family that loves me.

been two days. Even though mom is at my sisters house she is still calling and crying how much she misses us. She doesn’t know how to hang up the phone and I heard her talking like she never even cried. Am I a terrible person to not want her back here? My sister said I have to pay to get her things sent there! Why should I???

my mother got mad at me last night and called my sister crying. My sister came and picked her up and told me Mom is living there now. After 15 years, I am on her accounts, and her health care proxy, my sister and Mom decided to just pack up what they could and leave. She is now in another state and wants me to come and get her! I refused , I need time to figure out what I want for a change. My sister has not helped in all the years I have had Mom and Dad in my home. Am I a terrible person for not wanting her back here????

Your mother is 92 with problems. You have your hands full tending to your own family. There is nothing you can say that is going to make her understand. You either have to get someone to take over her care to free you up or you must place her. Get tough and do what you need to do. She lived her life. You are losing yours. Don't let that happen. Stop doing things for her at once - you can't do it all and should not try. Make arrangements and just go on the vacation. She is making her bed so let her lie in it. You and your family come first at this stage and you must NOT feel guilty. She should feel guilty.

my heart goes out to you. My mother came to live with us, because my dad could not take care of her anymore. She is 24 hour care. I did this for 9 months with 3 hours to hours sleep a night. My husband was diagnosed with multiple myeloma and learn he was going through treatment for several months. We decided that it was best for everyone. Her getting the care she needed and I could visit and spend quality time with her and my husband and give him the care he needed. It was hard, I always was told we never put our parents in an assisted living facility or nursing home. So that quilt and pressure is hard to fight against. I was told by a friend, I need a balance view. Putting my mom in a care facility is a way of caring for her. She will get the care she needs professionally. As a care giver we need to take care of ourselves too. It feels a lot of selfishness at first when we are in that frame of mind. I can now be mom and daughter relationship, instead of caregiver relationship. I know if I continued caring for my mom at home I would be sick physically, mentally and bitter. My mom is not social, but she is finally seems happy. She gets to have more then just me to talk too. I learned she is responsible for her own happiness. I can show her love and care. I finally after 6 months feel at peace with the decision we made. Best to you and your family.

Blondie, turn her BS back on her. Ask her why she hates you and would rather see you dead then hire additional help or move. Ask her why she thinks she is the most important person in the room, tell her you are going to stop eating and die so she doesn't get to torment you any more.

Oh, be sure and tell her to make sure she always has clean undies on, wouldn't want anyone to see dirty panties when she dies of starvation.

My dad tried this childish crap and he didn't like it when I told him that he would be spanked and stood in a corner if he was 3. He would get so angry but, he was acting like a spoiled toddler and I wasn't going to be manipulated by it. Grow up mom!

I totally agree with others. Give her a choice. She is manipulating you with threats. Do you have a pastor or go for counseling? Establish Priorities = you and your husband.

I went to look at a beautiful facility today. Of course Mom wouldn’t go. She told me she will die within a week if I take her there or take her walker and walk away. Then she told me she has been talking to my sister and she could go live with her. I told her these are her options. She is not staying with us as I need to spend time helping my husband as she did with my Dad. Now she wants to know why I hate her and why I am throwing her out??? My heart is braking. I don’t know what to do.

kikidp3,

Is it really harsh to protect your own mental health? When you are a caregiver to elderly people, and once again I've been one for almost 25 years, protecting YOUR OWN mental health must be a top priority for the caregiver.
A caregiver for elders and children has to know how to walk away and ignore sometimes. When we don't, we cannot maintain the level of patience and self- control necessary to do this work. What happens next is elder abuse or child abuse and that is far harsher than ignoring someone for a bit so you can keep yourself under control.
Maybe your experience being the caregiver for an elderly person has been positive. That happens too, but it isn't so for all caregivers.
So please do climb down off your Cross and stop judging others for how they handle their caregiving situations. Have a nice day.

Your brother in law fell, in coma & never woke up, sorry for your loss. HOWEVER that could also happen to you THEN who will take care of all the people that you take care of?? First priority is you then hubby. Sit down with mom and kids and explain the same thing could happen to you as uncle, and all must now make new arrangements!!! What do they suggest they should do to make sure nothing happens to you??? Because you are going in the same direction of uncle.

Tell her you're at your limit and if she wants to continue living in the in-law unit and stay where she is, help has to be hired. At this point she has a choice stay where she is or you wear out and she'll have to live elsewhere anyway. Don't 'try' to get help in anymore - just do it. Be there upon arrival to help the 'help' get going on what tasks you want done and then let that person take over when you feel they can do what needs to be done, understands where everything is, etc.

You also need to call her doctor and ask for some therapy to come in to get her up and moving with assistance to ensure she maintains strength. That's another point to bring to her attention - she has to be able to move around. If she has money to cover expense of 24 hour care, ok. If not, facilities have people and equipment to handle the kind of care people need when they become bedbound.

She also has another choice if she is going to make it difficult for a housekeeper or an aide for her to come in - she can help you pick out a facility or you can select it.

Another thought is: you are taking care of grandchildren 3 days a week. How about those parents coming in on their days off to help tend to gr gr'ma and grandpa. To be working and being a day care PLUS the adult care is too much for anyone. The parents could take a turn or provide payment that it would cost at outside day care to cover some inhome assistance that you need.

No ..she can’t go on her own! You have to tour different facilities nearby to see which one is best choice. You can’t take care of her & sick husband at same time..that’s too much & overwhelming! Talk to admissions starting Monday of different facilities & see what is best way for her to be admitted. Good luck & hugs 🤗

just a warning, if your mother has more than 2,000 saved, she will have to pay for Medicaid until it is paid down.

You help find her a nice Assisted Living place (memory care if she needs it) and tell her..
If you don't mind her living in the in-law apartment tell her..
"Mom if you want to continue to live here you have to let me get someone to come in and help me take care of you. I can not do this all by myself" "If you refuse to allow that then we will have to look for Assisted Living places for you, we can start looking on Monday"
THEN..
"Mom I love you very much but right now my husband is my priority"
"My grandkids, YOUR great grandkids are also in need of my help right now"
"And I need to take a little better care of myself. I need to set boundaries"
"If you stop eating and die that is YOUR choice not mine. I do not want that to happen, the grandkids don't want that to happen either"

You have to take care of you 1st! Unfortunately some of our elder family members can’t deal with losing control. You have to explain that you’ve done the best you can and this is what is going to happen. She won’t stop eating because of anything you do. She’s using that to force your hand.

You can’t expect others to make this decision for you. I’m in nearly the exact same place. I feel it’s definitely affecting my health, but the guilt of dumping a human being, my own Mother would be too great to bare for my Bible trained conscience. I was brought up with thorough Bible training nearly memorizing all 66 books of the Bible. I couldn’t get those verses out of my mind if I tried. There is no greater love than sacrificing ones life for another rings through my head. Fact is, this is just what I’m doing. Sorry to be of little help but I don’t even have that answer for myself. I do watch videos and do activities with Mom. It helps keep her happier. I know she won’t be with me forever and then I’ll miss her. It’s as if it’s a crime to grow old in today’s society. But we all are getting there. Sadly most children who thought the sun set and rose regarding their parents will not want to be bothered taking care of them as they age. It’s true. So what is the answer? Each one must decide for themselves their conscience allows.

Here is a sneaky way that your mom may accept. Go see your doctor. Explain that you are feeling overwhelmed and burnout with all the care, Ask him to write a prescription that says you must decrease your caregiving of others right away.
Show it to your mother and explain that she must move out for your health (which is the truth). Tell her you will help her find a nice assisted living apartment nearby and will help her move into the place in 2 weeks. Tell her you will visit weekly - and more often if you can.

Otherwise, just tell her you can not care for her anymore while your husband has cancer and needs you more. Help her find the assisted living apartment and help her move in. Visit weekly - or when you can.

May I suggest also talking with your children about finding other sitters for 2 (0r all) days of the week so you can focus more on helping your husband. Also, let them know that you and your husband will be taking a vacation and will be unavailable for a week to mind grandchildren. Then, plan that vacation and go!

You need to find a suitable place for her and then pack/move her. End of discussion!

Oh my goodness, you have a lot on your plate! Guilt is the last thing you need to add to it. Right now you need all the energy you have left to care for your husband, children and grandchildren. Using guilt as a crutch to keep her in your home is a recipe for disaster. Make sure all the legal affairs are in order, then find her a lovely place to go where she will have the care she needs. She will adjust, but even if she digs her heels in and doesn't, she will at least be safer. At 92, it's time she stops calling the shots. You are not abandoning her, you are doing the most logical, safest thing for all of you.
.

I've read through your past posts.

"I have spoken to her about going to live with my sister who although she lives an hour away has seem Mom once in 3 years. My sister wants $35,000 to take her! "

"I have a brother and sister who have done nothing to help us but have opinions about everything."

"My mother has a will and has CD’s saved for all three of us. My husband and I took care of my Dad for 5 years until he past away and now Mom for over 15 years with no help from them. She is 90 years old and has let everyone equal money and says she can do whatever she wants with it. I feel when the time comes and she is no longer with us they will still expect a payoff. They will get it and I won’t see them or speak to them again. I don’t know if this helps but as my brother and sister say we chose to do this and they are still her children although they do nothing to take care of her."

You've also said that your mother pays for nothing. Nothing in 11 years?

Sounds like you have had enough of martyrdom. Your poor husband! PLEASE place your mother somewhere and enjoy life with your husband before it is too late.

What are your mother's finances? What has she been doing with her money for the 11 years she's lived with you? SS? Pension? Assets? What else does she have besides those CDs?

You've been posting on this site since 2019. Do you think the time has finally come for her to go live somewhere else? You CAN make that happen!

Yes, you can tell her to go if the place belongs to you.

She would probably be considered a Tenant living with you for so long.

You should give her a written 30 Day Notice that she must move out.

Let her know you will take her to go look at a few Assisted Living Places.

If she doesn't move in 30 days then on day 31, go File an Eviction on her at the Court House where you live. In Texas it cost $126.

You can get the paper work at the Court House and when filling it out you put the Reason for Eviction is Holding Over which means they are Living there and now you want them out.

You will get something from the Court that day showing when your Court Date is and Mom will get her summons for the Court Date in the mail.

If she moves out before the Court Date, neither one of you have to appear in Court.

If she doesn't move out go to Court and the Judge will grant you to have her move out.

If she is still in on the 6th day you go back to the courthouse and File a Writ. In Texas it cost $136.

The Writ will have a Constable come to your home and make your mom leave and you will have to put all mom's stuff out by the curb.

How about if you just speak plainly and tell her exactly what you're telling everyone here? That she can't live with you anymore and tell her the reasons why. Like your husband is sick. You cannot take care of her needs anymore. Explain that you will help find her a nice place with very good help.
If she starts up with how she'll starve herself to death and it will be your fault, handle it like this. Don't get excited or let any drama start up. Tell her that if she wants to starve herself to death that's her choice not yours. That's a classic guilt tactic elders lay on their family to get their own way or to ensure that they will continue getting their own way about everything. I've worked in elder homecare for almost 25 years. There have been more families than I can count in your same situation. I'll tell you what I told them. Don't play into the elder's manipulation and guilt-tripping. Completely ignore them and walk away the second they start up with it. Don't feed it by giving it any attention. If you have kids, you will know that when a little kid starts having a tantrum, you ignore them and walk away, but you let them see you walking away. Then they stop. Same approach with the elderly.
Find your mother a decent place and move her into it whether she wants to go or not.

If the facility has WiFi you can set up BLINK. It is a camera with a phone app. You can see her at anytime.
Also OOMA is a cheap phone system and she can keep her phone number.
I still feel guilty at times about moving my dad. He is 95. But it is just a change of address. I go see him 3 times a week and know he has care beyond what I can do.

Hi blondie, I’m sorry to hear of your situation. I was/am in very similar.

several months ago, moms dementia worsened. She couldn’t possibly care for herself any longer, I was doing most. My husband, on the heart transplant list. I’m also disabled. Bottom line, I told my mom if we didn’t figure things out fast, I’m the one that will stroke out or have fatal heart attack from all the stress.

with dementia, there’s no reasoning. You just gotta do what you gotta do. I said years ago, never would I put mom in a home. But, when you get older, your health and situations change.

I spoke to mom and said, “ma, I just can’t do this anymore”. “I can’t always be with you, I can’t take you with me everywhere I go, I’m afraid your next fall could be your last, I can’t take care of you, my husband, myself any longer”.

My mom started mixing up her meds when I wasn’t home, though I would set them up weekly. I had to them give them and insulin daily, few times a day, as I did with my husband. She didn’t eat right, so, we had to make sure mom was fed diabetic diet. Running around to doctors, mom hanging on me as we walked.

It is not easy. Anyone who walked in our shoes knows this.

I called a few places that we knew were better than others. This way I knew mom would be safe. I packed moms stuff and brought her to her new assisted living home. I gave her a huge hug , told her I loved her, and watched her walk inside with one of the staff. When I got back into the car, I don’t even think I got that far, I cried my eyes out. Like I just abandoned my mother.

I do bring mom to her doctors and physical therapy, get her tests done, go for breakfasts, lunches, or dinners. It’s still difficult because I feel guilty. But I know moms safe and I see her a lot, few times a week.

mom calls me and wants to get out every day. But I say, I’ll be there tomorrow or Friday or whenever we had planned. In September my husband and I are moving to Connecticut awaiting his new heart, to be closer to transplant hospital. (From here it’s a four hour drive, hard winters). I won’t be able to see mom much, which will be so sad for both of us, but will always speak on phone.

We left it to mom if she wanted to move closer to us and she said for now she’d remain there. But more I thought about moving her, I thought about how difficult it would be for her to relocate and start from scratch again. Winter will go fast and we’ll be able to visit again, once we know snow is all done with. (8 hours round trip drive)

Enough of me rambling. But the point is, it’s not that you don’t love your mom. You may have to do things sometimes that may not be a perfect solution, but at least you know that loved one is safe. It takes a little while for adjustment, but in time, it’ll all work out. Just go visit, call, whenever you can. Don’t forget the love your mom had for you growing up before she got this way. They don’t wanna be old and dependent, just as we don’t wanna be. Show a lot of love and you won’t have regrets later on. You’ll always know you did the best you could.

pray a lot. It always makes me feel better.

wishing you well.

The question isn’t why does she keep acting like this but why do you keep allowing it? That is not to minimize what you’re dealing with in any way. People don’t understand how I’ve been in a similar situation and it was/is very difficult. You must decide today who’s life you want to live. We get one pass through life. Don’t squander any more of your time. My mother is now in a nursing facility and hates me with every fiber in her being even though I was the only one who cared for her(she lived with me). She said she was going to kill herself and write in her note that I did it. She badmouths me to family and friends (thankfully they know me well enough to know the lies are not true). She is a narcissist and gets very mean if things don’t go her way. It was making me physically and emotionally sick. I had no choice but to go ‘no contact’ with her. It’s been 9 months since I last spoke with her but I’m still in touch with her docs and support staff as well as bringing her toiletries and food when she asks but those requests now come through the social worker. It’s been difficult, especially at first. The guilt was very heavy but it has eased over time. You do know that if you make no changes, nothing will change and you’ll look back and soooo regret your decision not to live your best life and that of your husband’s when you still had that choice. Absolutely nothing. What has to happen for you to make this verrry difficult decision? It sucks I know.

Just responded to another post with the same answer - respite care. Respite care in the home is available in many areas. It might be tricky, you might need to introduce someone as "helping you" not her.

If you can't afford extra help, look for senior day care programs. If she starts to be verbally or physically abusive, video record her actions and play them back for her.

If *you* get ill from having too much of a burden, we've got your husband, your grandchildren, AND her with no one to take care of them - is that fair, even to her?

Yeah, same as other posts like this when there’s a mean hateful abusive person who doesn’t care at all about your needs my gosh your poor husband is suffering w cancer and she only seems to care about herself- short answer but simple is yeah tell her she’ll need to have a new place to go in a month and stick with it. She’s lived over 9 decades if she can’t be a little thankful and kind toward you and your husband show her the door

You just do it…why let her have the control. So she stops eating…her choice. But I bet you she won’t, that is an idle threat. What parents who act like this do is manipulate to try and make you feel you don’t deserve the freedom that they had when they were your age. She had her life and retirement and you deserve one too. There is nothing written anywhere that you need to be a martyr. Parents who do this to their children are not loving.

your husband and your marriage are your priority. You are the one with the choice here, not her.

You ask how you can get her to go??? You go out and tour facilities, find one and move her things and take her there. Will she like it? No, so don’t even expect it. Will she be angry with you? Probably so expect that. It will take 3-6 months for her to get used to it. But she sounds like she needs eyes on her 24/7. And that can’t be you. She doesn’t know what is best for her care…you do. It’s a difficult decision but you are doing it for the right reasons. Use your doctor to blame it on if you want a scapegoat.

Time to stop trying to juggle this. Blessings to you and your husband.

Use the information provided by the “visitors” who are assessing her situation in relation to your overall circumstances.

Don’t try reason. Don’t try coaxing. Don’t even try explaining the facts of your tumultuous life.

Pack her bags, arrange transportation (ambulance if necessary), WAVE GOODBYE.

blondie97: As your first priority is your husband, your mother may have to locate facility living.