My mom says I’m not married, among other things. I don't have any idea what to do. Any suggestions?

You need to get mom tested for a Urinary Tract Infection which can cause this kind of sudden change in mental status.

Consider calling 911. She is delusional; something serious is happening that needs to be addressed immediately.

Welcome to the Forum, Jay.
Can you tell you more about your mother, when this behavior started? What is her diagnosis? What made you decide she should move in with you?

Sounds like my mother during mid-stage dementia. Incredibly combative. Paranoid. She accused me of moving her out of her house, keeping the money, stealing from her, letting people in her house, taking away the car she sold, making her grow old and gaslighting her. All this after she had sold her house and chosen to move next door to us over 15 years earlier.

Distract and redirect. You cannot argue.

If this is a sudden behavioural change, get her to a Dr for a urinalysis. A UTI can greatly magnify dementia symptoms.

I found this to be an incredibly difficult stage because it is obvious to everyone but them that they have cognitive decline. My mother refused to see a Dr. so I had to trick her. Perhaps your mother would go if she thought she was attending a consultation about something or some other false pretence. It is important for you to take the reins now because she is not thinking clearly. I was afraid of my mother’s temper but now realize I should have pushed her into the Dr’s office and had her assessed much sooner.

This forum is full of people who are or were in your position. Read all you can. Good luck.

"She refuses to go to a doctor".

Get her medical attention & explain her level of confusion.

If someone is confused they are unable to use their judgement sufficiently to decide if they require medical treatment or not.

So your mom decided she'd live with you, and then you moved her stuff to your house.

What do YOU think about your mother coming to live with you? The "evil talking" you heard is probably only just the beginning...

Your profile says Mom has a Dementia. Did you know this when she sold her house and moved it. If not, surprise huh. If you did, ant change can make them worse. You took her out of a home she knew where everything was to a home she knows nothing about. People suffering from a Dementia can do well in familiar surroundings. Take them out of it and they get more confused.

I agree, she needs a urine test to rule out an infection. If this came on suddenly, that could be it. Its no longer what Mom wants, its what she needs. You are now the adult and her the child. Don't ask, do. Take her in the car, if she asks were she is going tell her for a ride. White lies now to get her to a doctor. Medicare is requiring her to get a physical to keep her insurance, whatever u can think up. Bribe her.

Oh My! Welcome to Dementia.

This is only the start of issues you will be having. The problem is that some days will be lucid and nice and other times, combative, angry, sad, crying, accusing, etc. When you wake up in the morning, you have no idea which ones, yes, plural, you will face.

By any chance, did she not get much sleep over the period of days prior to the move? If so, see if you can take her somewhere, like a hotel or on a long ride, so that they can get some really good rest.

You have to do 2 things, both start immediately. 1) You need to get her to a doctor 2) you need to start researching managed care like a Memory Care house.

You need to get her to a doctor so that they can order tests and rule out any infections. If you think you will be placing her in managed care, then make sure her shots are up to date. Hopefully she has a doctor that she likes. If she doesn't want to go to the doctor, just say that we need to visit xxx (call them by their first name and last name without the doctor). When she asks why, just say that you need to have a few things checked out. If her doctor is like our doctors, getting blood tests and urine tests and all those things, happen at a different place and time than the actual doctor visit. If she doesn't have a doctor, try and find one that specializes in geriatrics.

I would still start researching managed care options, regardless of whether you think you can be with this type of behavior 24 x 7 or not. Getting familiar with the terms, and what facilities look like and what they have to offer, will help you be aware of your options for the future.

Sometimes, to get my Mom out of the house, we told her we were taking her to a restaurant. Then arranged for other people to get whatever needed done. Otherwise, she would just fret the entire night before whatever was happening and not go to sleep, and then be cranky and combative and uncooperative the entire day.

Sucks....

My prayers are with you.

Sounds awful! I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through this.

I would report any sudden changes in behavior to her doctor as soon as possible. When my mom was acting out of character, it was an often a physical issue like a UTI.

It is unsettling to see new behavior. I was fortunate to have doctors who were thorough in their assessment of my mom’s behavior changes.

What about meds? Have any of her meds been changed recently? Sometimes dosages need to be modified or additional new medication may be helpful.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Place her in assisted Living .

I live in SC and there is a company here call SC House Calls https://schousecalls.com/

If you are in another state perhaps there is something similar there and you could have a provider come to your house.

As someone else has suggested that those with dementia do best when things are kept the same. If possible maybe use her furniture and arrange her room, as much as possible, the same as how it looked in her own home.

In your profile you say mom has Alzheimer's/ Dementia. Has she actually been diagnosed as having dementia? If so and you are POA or have the right to act on her behalf you can place her in Memory Care. Taking care of someone with dementia is a difficult task, not that it is impossible but it will get more difficult.
I would advise not placing her in AL where she can leave more easily.
If you do not have the authority to act on her behalf you may have to obtain Guardianship if you want it, or another member of the family. If no one wants Guardianship she will be made a Ward of the State and a Guardian will be appointed by the Court.

Like so many others, I've been in your shoes. When my mom's Alzheimer's was in full swing, she'd accuse me of going through her purse, which had $5 in it and a lipstick. (I put both of those things there for her.) She'd accuse my husband of stealing "her" potato chips." Never mind that his salary and mine paid for our groceries (along with everything else). Alzheimer's made her paranoid, delusional, accusatory, etc. She'd sometimes tell me to "Drop dead and go 'someplace warm.'" This was over nothing, by the way. My mom wouldn't say something like that to anyone over anything, let alone me, over nothing. The first time she said this, I was appalled. The tenth time I was mortified. By the 20th time, I told her I better bring sunscreen and a hat. I found that trying to find humor helped. My husband, (whom she also often didn't remember was truly my husband), mouthed the words, "It's not really your mother." Truer words were never spoken. It was the disease talking. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (They were each diagnosed with their respective ailments around the same time, and I was the caregiver for both.) I found that the act of writing was therapeutic in and of itself,regardless whether it became a book or not. I tried to write it, reflecting how I dealt with Alzheimer's on a daily basis: with humor and heart.

I know that gut wrenching bewilderment at what is happening in the middle of an all out fight with your mother and I know that deep hurt when she is saying things to you that you never even imagined could come out of her mouth. So from experience I say take a step back and regroup. Imagine how this probably feels in her shoes and what it might look like in her broken brain, she doesn’t have the same control over her emotions or ability to reason that her normal brain did even though she looks and sounds the same. Think about it from her shoes, even if it isn’t rational, she’s scared either she really doesn’t remember deciding to sell her home or she doesn’t know why she did and is suddenly faced with the reality, she’s not in her home that she knows and feels grounded in has nothing to do with your home it has to do with her home which may not even be the house she just moved from. Her life has and is changing and she knows that, it’s terrifying because the order she was used to is out of whack, loosing control or feeling like your loosing control of your life…we only understand this on a superficial level from experience (we have all felt that way at some time) compared to actually loosing the ability to ever be self sufficient again. Consciously or not she’s afraid to go to the doctor and find out she is wrong, she fights back because she’s trying to assert her control over her life. Again none of this means you have been actually taking anything away or doing anything other than trying to care for her, your just approaching the mother you know from logical loving place and she’s receiving from a frightened survival place without that full instinct of love and trust.

I would start with doing an at home test for UTI because it is very possible that has a hand in this as well as the stress and fear that would have helped it come on. Then try approaching her as an ally rather than a caregiver “you know what mom, your right why go to the doctor if there isn’t anything wrong. I know from experience that UTIs seem to develop at times of stress and let’s face it we know you have been under stress. They have home tests you just do yourself for UTI maybe we should just do that and go from there”. Then move on to showing her the sale papers or refreshing her memory of events. Be prepared she may not agree at first or ever but she might bring it back up after having a chance to think about it. One thing that has been particularly hard for us is remembering that Mom needs time, often days or more to digest and absorb important conversations or topics, sometimes it takes multiple conversation in fact and often with each of us for her to come around. Her brain just can’t work as quickly as it used to, her lack of hearing is of course a factor too but you can see her trying to process something and when she has shut down because it’s too much to process, the hard things.

Trust or lack of it does seem to be a hallmark and one so very hurtful to us their children and loved ones. I know that my mother compleatley trusts us but this new form of my mother trusts me less and less. I’m hoping that comes back around again but it has now been the longest period of time I have ever gone with her not wanting to even hear my voice. “Shut up” and “I don’t want you” “Your wrong, you don’t know what your talking about” “just go away, leave me alone” and complaints about me to my brother and who knows who else have left me torn most recently, my head knows this is the disease and not the mother I have known all my life by my heart and soul are suffering pain and blows hearing from and being treated so horribly, mistrusted by this mother who has never even come close to hurting me this way in the 61 years I have known her. I feel you pain but have to warn you getting through this won’t be the end but if you remember to check yourself and try to learn this new way of communicating with Mom, ever changing way, it should help you all. It won’t be painless.

Your Mom has dementia, we are told; that means that she is not responsible for anything she says at this point and it is now not important what she says at all.
What is important is that you have taken your Mom into your home, and she is suffering from dementia.
Do you have POA conferred upon you when Mom was well?
Mom almost certainly now needs placement, but that is not going to be easy at all. You say she refuses to go to a doctor yet we are told that she has dementia, so apparently she has already BEEN to a doctor?
I wish you good luck. I can't tell from your post what the history is here, and what powers you have to do anything for Mom, such as placement; however this does serve as a warning to those planning to take their elders into their homes.

I notice at least one other commenter recommended that your mother be placed in assisted living.

For the moment, that might be the solution. Her house is sold. The furniture was moved out and I expect closing is imminent or already occurred. There was no way to back out of the sale and there was a good reason or many reasons for the sale.

Her room or rooms can be set up just like it was at home until you both can agree on something else.

My parents had my maternal grandmother living with them at a certain point when she could no longer manage in an independent living facility. She was a sweet person and she did become forgetful and couldn’t be left alone. But that was a labor of love that was easily managed for her.

There are seniors where the dementia is difficult. One day they are normal and the next one doesn’t know who they are or worst case scenario they are satan incarnate, so to speak. That is the dementia speaking and it can also be a result of the individuals’ delusions, how they grew up and how everything is coming together to cause fear with this disease in their old age as their body and mind begins to fail.

It might help to take your mother in to your mother’s primary care physician for a checkup and to check for a UTI. It might help to schedule an appointment with a neurologist as well. It takes months to get an appointment and many neurologists don’t want to deal with seniors, because they are difficult, complicated, insist nothing is wrong, etc. when problems manifest at home.

That is when it pays to take videos when it appears things are in the twilight zone at home - when the individual behaves strangely or out of the norm to show the doctor.

My MIL is one of those who can not come to live with us, because she presents one way to the public, but in private she is vicious and impossible. She refuses to bathe and in addition has a teacup yorkie that is not house trained, marks territory incessantly and barks incessantly. When she said she wanted to move in, she was told the dog had to go and was not welcome. She could give it away, have it put to sleep or give it to a no kill shelter, but it was not welcome at our house. She didn’t listen. When I told her that the room she wanted was given to her granddaughter, she was incensed. DH and I told her that she took too long to do something about the dog and to make up her mind, therefore the opportunity was no longer available to her. She now lives with a delusion that she can move to a cottage at the beach (formerly near us) with a middle aged woman to take care of her 24/7. Never going to happen. There is no such thing - that is a fantasy movie called “The Enchanted Cottage.”

This is a woman who when her husband died was supposed to be the executor to the estate and couldn’t do it and had not been paying any household bills ever. FIL had done all of that.

When someone visits, she begs and pleads to be removed from assisted living, because she says she is not getting food and she being abused. We know she eats and they take great care of her. We’ve asked certain individuals not to visit so that she doesn’t become overwhelmed and overexcited and anxious. She then turns around and abused the person roundly and says the nastiest things if they do not do as she says.

Stressful experiences (like moving or selling her home) are exacerbating the dementia, so pretty much expect all the issues to surface - an inability to make decisions, inability to reason, inability to manage emotions, inability to make sound judgments. She is probably very confused and isn't sure what is happening. Move along with your plans confidently and quietly and keep calm and balanced. Try to keep her new living quarters as close to her own layout as possible using as many of her own things as you can. Make sure you have a good financial advisor for the money from the house so her finances can be arranged and you have some peace of mind about what is happening.

You'll never be able to control what nonsense will come out of your mother's mouth if she has dementia.

My mother, after moving in with me, would not stop nagging and haranguing me the entire time that I single-handedly cleaned out her house of 45 years of stuff and got it on the market to sell. It took me over a year because I would go over there a few hours at a time when she was with a sitter. All while working part-time and trying to help my sick brother who died.

Eventually she forgot all of that nagging and acted like I had sold her house without her permission.

She's full of criticisms and insults and fault-finding, rather than being even a little bit grateful that she has 24/7 one-on-one care in my home - mostly by me.

She is the same discontented person she always was. She will suck the life out of me - or whatever sitter is with her - by whining and demanding without ceasing. It literally goes on all.day.long.

If I ever try to enjoy a phone call, or am having a conversation with one of the sitters or her physical therapist, etc., she will angrily say "no one is paying any attention to me!!!" And there we have it.

Anyway, all of that to say that you have to figure out how to not get triggered or made to feel guilty by whatever accusations your mother comes out with.

Realizing that properly caring for our loved one does not include the responsibility of making them happy or contented is freeing.

Make plans to get her into assisted living ASAP once she’s in your home!

You don’t want her to live with you. In her state, you and your family will be treated poorly 24/7/365. You don’t want that.

Get an Adult Protective Services involved, they handle situations like this all the time. You will need to see and elder care attorney to get POA if you don’t have it already. You will want a Drs diagnosis…tell Adult Protective Service she refuses to go to. Dr. Show the she cannot live alone and cannot live with you. They should be able to help get her placed.

Sorry you have to hear her spew hate, for some reason, it’s common with dementia. You and your family do not want to live with that. Get her placed in assisted living ASAP.

Just watched the movie: Jane Again

Just be open to getting her the hell out of your house when this goes sideways. I mean it already has but once she moves in its going to be 1000 times worse.

My mom did something very similar in October. She forgot she moved in with us and lost her mind thinking she had been dragged all over the city, we'd stolen / sold her new big beautiful house, etc. (except... she was in an apartment) I hounded hospice until they sent antibiotics by courier on a sunday evening. (see, I'd asked for them on a tuesday. And asked. and asked. then Friday a nurse tried to get salty about me bringing this up on a Friday afternoon, lets say I was not backing down and kind of raged at that point). My mom had enough wits about her to tunderstand that she was messed up mentally by *something* -- despite not believing she lived in my house now she *could* figure out she wasn't thinking clearly at least about some things. In her case, the memory never righted itself correctly, BUT. the paranoid delusion part of it went away within a day or two on starting anti-biotics. After that she was just freaked that her memory seemed to be shattered. But, she had a few other things going on simultaneously (she was in hospice for end stage COPD, and so some of the mental disruptions were related to that. In that episode she also saw my late father and my late grandmother, and there was a lot of other very "symbolic language". She had no history of dementia, but I think mechanically the same thing was happening to her brain as she was declining physically).

My point is always check bladder first. Seriously this forum saved my samity with that info. <3

Years before she was also super crazed with post icu delirium / bladder infection she was sent home with after a kidney blocked up by a stone and shut down. She was like.. crazed/panicked until the right antibiotic was Rxed.. then nthe next day I woke up on her couch, smelled she brewed coffee saw her on her PC and it was like omg thank god she's back

Jdaytek: As you state in your profile that your mother unfortunately suffers from Alzheimer's/dementia, perhaps she requires managed care facility living as she does not possess the capacity for logical thought processes.

She needs to be in an MC facility. This is gonna be hard on you. Been there done that! You will be the worse daughter ever! Your husband is terrible! Unless you wanna hear that all the time please consider a facility. The facility can give her care that you will not be able to also they can get her medication faster and can understand the outbursts that will come. If a MC facility is out of the question you may consider a group home. Check with your social worker. Hugs to you and yours