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It's only been a month, give your self some time.
I would say first and foremost, give yourself some time to mourn, get out of the house and do some fun things, or what you feel you want to do.
Then give yourself a time period, I will let moms stuff stay here for a certain amount of time. Id say 3 to 6 months, you don't want to get so depressed it becomes a hoarding situation.
Then at that 3/6 months time frame start doing a few things, and a few more everyday. As much as you can handle doing.
As for your friends, you are vonerable right now, don't let even the most well-meaning friends push you if your not ready yet.
This is the way i would do things, but you need to do things your way. Not your friends way or my way.
Take care of yourself, sleep, eat and get some exercise, or just move, what ever it is just move.
Best of luck,😔
Take photos of things you love but are too big or bulky to keep, and frame them, or have the photo put onto a canvas.
Have stuffed animals or a quilt made from her favorite articles of clothing.
Take your time donating things, but remember, moms memory lives forever in your heart, not in her things. You've been grieving 6 months, and I have dad's suit since he died in 2015. There's no right or wrong way to do this.
My condolences on the loss of your dear mom.
"She lives in your heart, not in her things"
Maybe now I can get to the 2 bags of things I've been sitting on for the past year? Nothing special, just had to unpack my emotions first.....care-giving,mourning,adopting her cat.
Or, consider "fill one kitchen trash bag full of trash", per day. When the bag is full, you get to stop. If you need to start with a smaller bag, do that.
Keep a donate bin always at the ready. When the bin is full, take it to a donations location. Bring in the empty bin and have it near where you will work, next.
Have a large trash bag always at the ready, as well as your "keep" bin or two. Anything over the space in that bin gets donated, for example.
In the meantime, give yourself some time to grieve. This is a whole new normal for you.
I loved my parent's lamps, so I donated my lamps, and used theirs. Mom had some small china custard bowls, so now I use those small bowl to hold paperclips, and donated the containers I had been using. Also did the swap thing with jewelry, and some clothing. Yes, this can be overwhelming. Eventually you won't be reminded that an item was Mom's unless you think about it.
What helped me later down the road was I got interested in doing a family tree, that kept me busy for many years (lots of people). I found in-laws and outlaws. I found scientists and bootleggers. All those family Kodak moments came to be helpful. Then one of the cousins became interested in the family-tree, and now her grown son is interested :)
What purpose does that serve, do you suppose?
Why would you have to do it?
Is this something other people are suggesting you must do, or something you have heard or read?
Tell us more.
And tell us what these "things" are. Are they things she loved or are we talking commode chairs and walkers?
I kept ONE thing of my brother's. A little carved dog that was the first thing in his "dog collection" (I collected horses). He took it through his life, now I have it. He was a collector of wonderful Monterey Furniture, Bauer crockery, and fine art potteries. But the little carved spaniel is what I kept and what daily makes me think of his.
We are all different.
My condolences on the loss of your dear mom, Carrie. We all grieve differently; we all have that RIGHT.
Keep 5 items you feel would have the most emotion with, donate, recycle or toss te rest.
I already started throwing stuff away (not much)
Clothes she hasn't seen in years, things she wouldn't know they were gone.
When she passes, it will be difficult, because we feel by throwing these items out that belonged to them, we may believe is tantamount to throwing their MEMORY away. But it's not. Yes, these things remind of of them. I kept my father's bibles.
I kept a few trash bags of his clothes.
4 years have gone and I'm ok having thrown out the clothes. The bibles I'll keep.
I guess what I'm trying to say is..
If you feel you NEED to make room and discard, start small. Work your way with the more difficult things by giving yourself TIME. As much time as you want.
I feel for you. My sympathies to you as well. Hugs and prayers.
Some things you may be glad to live with forever. I live with many things that belonged to my parents and to my husband and I enjoy having them around me.
Realize that going through “things” is akin to taking a walk down one’s life journey. Start small. Move some of her things a little at a time into the place where she stayed. Just so they are not staring you in the face on a daily basis. As for old clothes, there are those who could really use them. Wouldn’t your Mom want to help in that way? When you are ready you can decide what the next steps should be. There is no timetable for grief. God Bless you as you navigate the process.
then call in charity or house clearance and have your friend be there not you when they take the stuff ?
failing that accept you aren’t ready and options are lack stuff into storage for 6 months if funds allow
then when they return
You have already compartmented it so it’s half gone
then with a friend sort into throw or give to charity knowing you are helping others in life
best wishes
My feelings on this was very different. My husband and I emptied out my parents' house that they lived in since 1962 in one week. We gave all the clothes away to charity. Anything my siblings did not want and I did not want we threw out. The furniture that we did not want we left outside and people just took it. Pots, pans, utensils that were 70 year old put in garbage bags and put curbside for trash. No yard sales or anything else. I scanned the photos I wanted. I left the rest for my sisters, don't know what they did with them.
It was a little jarring to be doing it but I wanted it done. I wanted this sorry chapter of my life closed ASAP. It's been two months but no regrets on being ruthless. I've been emotionally tapped out for long time and don't feel a thing. It's only stuff and eventually all of it is going to end up in the trash heap put there by someone.
The house is sold, and that is that.
Granted there is no timeline on grief but it sounds like they were in denial or too busy with their lives to prepare for her passing.
They aren't alone and it is sad that our culture doesn't help prepare us better for the death of our loved ones.
No One wanted the old pix. from storage drawers. , the glass or china sets, or any other item the family had made much use of throughout the years. Some items also went back to Their own gr.parents home, but "NO", they did NOT want it. Our own kids can be the same way. Most of it , I know, was Not Junk! Sad , that they saw NO value in any of it!
Perhaps they were grieving , and I was in a better position to view it all more objectively. I also just really appreciate things like that , also for the sentimental value.
I agree about how absurd today's home buyers can be . I got the chance to revisit our old Home one time after it was sold, & the painters were hired then to repaint all the beautiful woodwork White -all over , even the mantle piece and other design from the 1920's. Talk about sad.
Think of her possessions as the joy they brought to her, the joy when you gave them to her, the joy of her sharing the stories about her possessions.
As you pack or fold each item, the items for the joy they brought her, you and everyone she knew.
Then, tell the item it will now bring joy to someone new.
I know it sounds corny, but it is the Maria Kando theory and it does work.
Change your words from things to possessions, they are memories to be cherish.
Photograph them then gently fold or wrap them up for donation to a local charity
rather than Savers or Good Will. There are so many small church charities and women's shelters and other deserving organizations with folks in need who need cheering up too.
There is a Sally Field film Ask Doris where she needs to cope with the death of her mother whom she lived with, the hoarding and how she evolved. It is a good film and may help with your grieving.
When you are ready to retry I find the tomato technique helps me. I set my cell phone alarm for 25 minutes. I work on the task for 25 minutes. When the alarm goes off I stop and take a break.
https://www.pomodorotechnique.com/
If you just do 25 minutes a day that is okay. If you want to do more that is okay but work in 25 minute chunks of time with breaks in between.
In your place I'd probably try only one 25 minute chunk of time a day for awhile when you feel up to reattempt.
When you are ready, pick a few items which are important to you, for you to remember her, then leave and allow a friend or hire somebody to come clear out everything else.
I wouldn't hire dumpster companies because they charge too much money.
Think about what they might like & want to have-start sending things , even as Gifts to them to keep ., and appreciate. Do not bother asking them IF they want it-just send it with a nice note. You don't need to get stuck with it all.
We were the ones whose car wasn't filled so much with all the nice furniture, but instead scads of old photographs, knick-knacks, still lots of valuable things, but we felt like we were left as "Keeper of the Flame". Our kids also leave their stuff with us. I have sometimes made Gifts of it -but lately, I am intrigued with at least selling a lot of "stuff" -non-essentials , but may still be of importance. It could be fun, if finding the right market for it and I'd probably learn more about the History of items , or the Value , which often can really end up just "sentimental value", but nice to find out. "Trash to Treasure" has always been of interest to me.
I had to be doing something and I didn't want them in the flat now that she wasn't there to claim them. I was also afraid that if I didn't do it, her husband would keep them forever. He is a low level hoarder and I didn't want the flat to look as if she still lived there. That would hurt too much.
For me, it was important that Mum's things were out of there and I liked the idea of other people making use of the clothes she once loved.
However, I have kept a few things - one of the owls from her collection, her scarves, and some of her jewellery.
We all react differently. There is no right or wrong.
Just remember that these are just things - they're not your mum.
Keep hold of the things you love - if you have the room and can make use of the items - but don't hold onto anything just because it was once owned by your mum.
You want to remember your mum, but you don't want to be trapped in the past, nor do you want to suffocate under the weight of clutter that isn't serving you.
I hope that it gets easier for you.