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The point is not how and when to feed her but that her dementia has her believing that, in effect, you are mistreating her. You could stuff her full all day long, and she might still say that.
It's a terrible situation and I can imagine it would be devastating. It does sound like time to consider placement in a nice care facility of some kind. Even if you're investigated and they determine there's nothing there, she might claim some form of abuse again in the future.
APS workers are very experienced with investigating things like this. It will not take them very long to realize your mom is compromised and an investigation will go nowhere.
As for feeding Mom, can you try “grazing”? Give her a half sandwich, say, and then when she asks for more, give her the other half.
When APS comes out to check on things that is a perfect opportunity for you to find out what services are available to help you care for your mom. Ask them for names, numbers, referrals and anything else you can think of. There are so many programs that we never hear about until something like this happens.
They will be able to see that she is healthy and that her weight has been stable or improving and they will know that she is getting fed.
Don't fear this process, use it to get you and mom all the resources available for you both.
I would strongly suggest looking at getting her a new doctor. The best thing I ever did for my mom was ‘quit’ her longtime doctor and found one that came to our home. So much better!! They are out there!! Even did labs here. All covered on her insurance. I don’t know where you live but start googling! Good luck!
In any event, I know you will be cleared of any 'wrongdoing' when APS (or whomever) comes to 'question' you. I'm sorry you have to be put through such an ordeal, too, after being such a loving and caring daughter for your mother. It's nobody's 'fault' but dementia's......it's just a terrible disease to be burdened with, for ALL involved.
Wishing you the best of luck
I saw this at the nursing home when my mom did her rehab treatment. After I left mom’s room some of the residents wanted to chat with me so I would stay for 20 - 30 minutes more to visit with them. They would be in the television lounge area or hang out by the receptionist’s area. The receptionist was a doll and help the residents with certain things.
One man always wanted more to eat after dinner so the staff gave him a sandwich. Okay, he ate the sandwich and five minutes later he would go up to the receptionist and ask for another sandwich. She didn’t hesitate to tell him that he just ate one and would hand him a few cookies. He wasn’t a big man, either. Sort of thin. He completely forgot that he just ate. The receptionist told me that he did that all the time.
At mealtimes, just the two of us, I set up two plates, encouraging her to help, and a smaller cereal bowl.
Later, when she begins to forage
for more food, the backup is ready in clear view— same spot on a uncluttered shelf in the refrigerator, next to her Diet Coke (which is another issue!).
Usually I have two choices always ready and wrapped with plastic - 1/2 sandwich, cottage cheese and yogurt, fancy oatmeal. For now, It gives me a gauge on
how and what she eats besides bread and cookies. When she is in a panic “I haven’t eaten” I can calmly direct her to the ready choices and I feel good that i already put the effort in.
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