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Several ways to address this:
1) Husband hires a full time caretaker.
2) Husband takes care of his mother, full time, not you.
3) You find a job, gather some money together, and leave, or she is placed in a home.
He can pick one, set your boundaries and stick to them, time to stand up and be counted. Good Luck!
posted. I have no respect for the elderly and I should put up with my fathers narcissistic behaviour in silence and not talk back or react to him, who has now lived with us for 18 months. Unfortunately I also have family members who will do nothing except when they want something in
return. No help, nothing. A big bullet dodged. I can’t give you any advice only I emphasise with you.
I feel I’ve been used and taken advantage of with empty promises, no action, and not wanting to hear about the awful day-to-day functions to include cleaning up her feces …. I am a glorified housemaid and after 2 years of 24/7 care; I rage inside when time to bring her a meal/tray and she doesn’t even bother to grab it; I have to lay it in her lap and put her towel aka bib under her chin and open her Diet Coke - it’s degrading and infuriating!!!
”do we have any more coffee” she says…. Yeah get up and get it yourself this isn’t a diner (if my bubble ever bursts may God have mercy on my soul…
anywho…
Please know - I don’t share to grab spotlight… I share because I want you to know you’re not alone and that by your sharing your situation; it helped me in that “I’m” not alone in how I feel either
I could go on further - especially the message regarding self respect and getting out- while I don’t fully know your situation- I feel we should listen for our own well being
May God Smile upon us both
Before moving in his mother, most likely he wasn't coming home routinely either.
If you have been suspicious about him spending so much time away, and have been on him constantly about it, He moved his mother in to give you something to do and deflect and distract other then questioning him.
He is living the life of a single man.
If he is the primary financial provider of the household that makes it so that you don't have to work an outside job,
Find a way to deal with his mother.
Talk to him, If things don't change,
You can always divorce and leave.
You don't have to put up with anything that you don't want to.
You're not in a worthy marriage anyways. You don't have a partner, you have an acquaintance who visits and calls from time to time.
If he wanted a marriage, he should have found a different job that would allow him to be more attentive and allow him more time to be a partner towards you, and a son to his mother.
You are accustomed to a certain life and lifestyle if you don't work.
He put his mother on you to give you something to do.
Make your point strongly: If it's a waitress and a nursemaid that she wants, give her & your hubby a detailed invoice every week for services provided, because you do not owe her. Not sure what the going rate is, but make sure you use it. Make taking care of her your full-time job, and by that I mean stop vacuuming, dusting, doing your other expected chores. This arrangement is costing you dearly: you should be compensated fairly, and the cost should be shared fairly.
My MIL just turned 100. This could go on for quite a while and it could get worse as your MIL ages and requires more care.
If I were you, I would tell my husband this: You are going to be hiring help for your mom. You can do it while I am here or after I leave, but you will be doing it.
If she has financial resources, why is she living with you?
It is your home and your life that are impacted.
Please talk to your husband about counselling to deal with his mom... or a lawyer to discuss options to getting his mother re-homed.
Also, have a bag packed. The second your husband walks in on Friday, you go out the door. Go anywhere.
And book yourself a week away and go. Let him figure out what to do for her.
Anyway, it was on the understanding that you would be there during the week, and then on Sundays DH would take her out and you would have the day off. And that isn't happening. And during the week you are beset from dawn to dusk with her demands.
So here we are, halfway through April, four months in to her living with you and a very convenient and appropriate time for a review of MIL's care plan.
She is 87, we don't know anything about her health, but it sounds at least fair to middling and she - may she live forever - could be with us for at least ten years.
Not today perhaps, but next Sunday which is DH's designated Mother time anyway, make a nice breakfast for all three of you, smile sweetly and explain to DH that discussion is not optional. It is happening NOW.
What are the options? Write them down and have them ready to talk about.
Tell your husband you are neither nurse nor maid to your MIL and tell him you will hire help for your mom but you wash your hands with this situation. If he does not like that she can go to a home. You will quickly burn out and burn up if something isn't done.
I sure hope this advice helps. I had a MIL like that once! Not fun!!
Temper :}
Not an excuse to be waited on. Set the rules and boundaries and stick to them. Maybe mom will complain about you enough to leave. lol
I like the advice of making dinner at a specific time and it's on her to feed herself.
Your husband not sticking up for you throws up red signs.
I also saw advice on finding a job. that is what I would do. bless you sweetie. My pet peeve is being questioned unnecessarily and that would drive me crazy!
Don't tell hubby what she did or said. Just create a new way of doing things around the house. If she can manage a certain task, she does it. She can fold clothes even if she can't get to laundry room. She can probably load a dishwasher or hand wash dishes --- ask her to do that while you put meals away. (Do NOT correct the way she does something if it's different than your method - creates excuse for her not to do it again).
If you leave house for a while - tell her where you're going. If there is question time when you return, brief answers. Or tell her ahead of time you'll be gone longer than you anticipate. Every once in a while, take her with you to get coffee or special treat so she doesn't feel like you come/go and she doesn't get out much.
When hubby tells her he's going to take her somewhere on the weekend, put it on the calendar on frig and hold him to it. These mother/son trips are supposedly so you can have some time to yourself, so put your time on calendar too. Them: Breakfast at 9am Sunday You: Meet friend at 9:30am Sunday -- then leave or don't leave the house. On Saturday night, remind everyone of the plans -- I'm meeting Betty at 9:30 to go to mall. Where are you and MIL going for breakfast?? From time to time - go with them to breakfast, return to house to get your car and say you're going to run to the mall to look for something.
If MIL has any friends in the area - invite one over for a luncheon for the two of them. You leave the house and do your thing. If mom has any other children or siblings that still do well on their own, arrange for mom to visit with them a week or so. You might also consider a PT job outside the house to break this 'waiting on her' routine that got started. If mom is able to do things, she is able to do things.
care for his mother who clearly can look after herself up to a point and definitely speak for herself. There’s no way I’d do that to my husband in regards to my father’s care. It wouldn’t work, as my husband only tolerates my father for my sake, but even my father isn’t as insufferable as the OPs MIL. My brother and sister would definitely be called upon to move him into care whether they liked it or not. I hope the OP has the courage that I lack to save her mental health before it’s too late, even if it means ending her marriage.