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My ex was diagnosed with aggressive stage 4 prostate cancer 3 years ago. In lymph nodes and bones. Has had surgery, rads and hormone therapy.
He's still here, still very much functioning and mostly healthy, so take heart.
You BOTH must be scared to death.
For me, being scared ALWAYS manifests as irritation.
I have found that meditation, medication and talk therapy to be very effective for this.
Please understand that taking care of YOUR mental health is also caring for him.
Then consider getting yourself help. I sent my SO to a therapist. I told him "I know you must have feelings and fears about meeting a woman and one year later she is dealing with a cancer and mastectomy. I beg you to see a therapist. I am going to be busy dealing with life or death, and can't help you". He did. He was so cute, came home saying "Well, he says I am fine and come back if I need him; he said be certain in all the bad stuff we have to go through now we plan fun small vacations and GOOD things: I will be in charge of THAT".
We are all human. You are who you are and have good insight. And believe it or not, cancer can be a teacher. You can learn to be different.
I wish you the very best. My own journey began 35 years ago. I am still here despite having two positive nodes at the time.
Your putting the cart before the horse. It may not have have spread. If it has, you get your options. But his other problems need to be part of the decisions. How will chemo and maybe radiation effect other organs. Will his heart be able to take it? Already having problems with his legs, will chemo worsen them. Chemo is very hard on the body. Treating it aggressively even more so. If your husband was in his 80s I may say let nature take its course but 69?
"I'm married to my best friend who is ill and we lost our only child four years ago at the age of twenty two. My husband has many health issues and was forced to retire early. He became shut in and then sedatary due to lack of vehicle and physical immobility due to legs ankles and other health isdes including but not only diabetis. I work and he just can not be along my niece has been here but must return home. He forgets and leaves the burner on the stove on and he fell and has two black eyes gash on bump on head. His doctors have zero compassion and do not treat us with dignity. He’s just a number for them to bill insurance. I’m exhausted and scared. He needs insulin a ton of meds and I chart everything he has been unable to even take his meds he forgets I need help"
My mother in law has s4 non Hodgkins, now inactive for almost a year now. Aggressive cancer treatment did prolong her life, but now she can’t walk. My Fil meanwhile has had six general anesthesia’s since his own stroke. He’s since sustained three fractures during falls and only recently started using a walker again. Hes prepping for yet another surgery.
Medical papers would call them both a success since they’re still alive. But it’s to the point now where my prayer for them is no longer to prolong life, but please God don’t let this be the medical intervention that’ll result in them losing the remainder of their mobility and/or their cognition.
Then, step back and take a deep breath. You have been given a jarring diagnosis and the C word almost always creates overwhelming fear. Some people use anger to get through the fear, sounds like you could be one, I am.
I would, also, take a good long, honest look at his quality of life. Have you guys ever talked about what isn't good enough to continue fighting for? I would be bereft without my husband, whom is my BF but, I know that he wouldn't want to live with no quality of life, being stuck at home with a babysitter because his mind is gone. We have talked about these issues. My point is, don't put him through the brutality of cancer treatments if he will never get better. If he chooses that route that's one thing but, you deciding because he can't, that's another.
I pray that it is treatable and he can have quality of life and that you have wisdom, peace and courage for whatever is coming.