My dad (86) has dementia. He is being sexually exploited by a woman who is 64 and goes to the senior center he goes to. What do I do?

Something's not adding up. He can't remember her, but he can ride the bus OK? If his mind is really a mess, you need to protect him and get him into Memory Care.

If the video shows Her touching HIm ,, why is he banned? And if the senior center shows the same,, again why is He banned? Why is she not banned? If he can't remember her when she is not around,, keep her away! She will get tired of the wedding planning if she has no groom! Keep him busy and keep her away.. Good luck !

I agree with the others. Why isn't this woman the one who is suspended or banned?

The turmoil with this woman may be making him anxious or angry. Dementia advances at its own rate, and I doubt this turmoil is having an impact on this. Symptoms may be intensified under this stress.

Is there another senior center he could attend? Have you considered an Adult Day Health Program (adult daycare)? You can customize the days and hours he attends. They are used to coping with inappropriate behavior, and if this woman is not there, Dad's behavior might not get inappropriate. They pick up and return participants, provide a hot lunch, and breakfast items for the early arrivals. There are activities geared to people with some impairments. It might be worth exploring.

Do what you can to keep him away from that woman.

Jjariz- I’m guessing the OP is talking about one of those shorty buses that the center uses to tote the seniors - not public transit. But I could be wrong...

jjariz, my husband could not have managed to ride a regular public bus after he developed dementia, but he could and did get on buses with supervision, to attend outings his day program organized, and he could get into the van they sent to take him and return him. Being able to ride in a bus is not necessarily impaired by dementia. Getting on and off might need some supervision and there might have to be a person on both ends of the journey to help him. Planning the trip might be out of reach. But riding in a bus? Usually no problem, unless his behavior is disturbing to other passengers.

I would never have said to my husband, "You want to go to the fair? There is a bus that goes directly there. Why don't you take that?" But he did ride to the fair on a bus with me.

How about your husband? Would he be able to ride a bus with supervision at both ends?

Ah yes, a shorty bus from the senior center. That makes more sense. I was imagining him getting to the right bus stop and navigating the City bus. And yes, there does seem to be a double standard on his vs her behavior.

A senior center is not a care center/nursing home. Is he with you in your care or in a care center full time? Your not making sense. If he needs care in a nursing home, put him in one where she isn't. She can't get in if you tell the RNs about her. Don't tell her where he is. This is a no brainer. Take care of your dad!!! whats wrong with you?? Keep your dad safe, he is terminal and will get worse and worse. Get your act together!

Sounds like his problem stems from people banning him from the bus and banning him from the senior center, not from her touching him. Maybe she likes him. Maybe he likes her. I think you should let them sleep together, it's none of your business.

Is the 64 year old Jezebel also suffering from dementia?

And Dighby out-of-character behaviours on the part of people living with dementia and protecting them from same very much is the business of those who care for them. Obviously. Don't be daft.

Good idea, put him in another center and have her banned from there if possible. He doesn't have his check book with him, does he? I would keep an eye on his accounts.

idahogirl, your comment was harsh. This is a site to talk about situations, frustrations, etc. It is not to reprimand. Please be kind.

Contact Protective Services

You have to realize that with memory loss he may think he is young and available and the same goes for her. My husband thinks he is only 18, he is 89 and has ALZ. Some of the women there also think they are young and available. Thank goodness the staff knows how to manage these issues and can step in. Perhaps your Dad is confused as well. I believe they have a medication that can help. Is this woman's family aware of her actions?

In Arizona, you can call Adult Protective services. You have evidence from the bus that SHE is touching him. He is likely considered a vulnerable adult. and The police also have what is called 'trespass' - kind of like a restraining order telling a person to stay away + avoid contact with person. If she calls him or is near him, she can be arrested. (I don't know if all states have this simple protection.)
My uncle simply agreed with police that he wanted 'trespass' against house cleaner who was stealing from him, and it was done. House cleaner was subsequently arrested twice for making contact with him. Next step can be 'harassment' claim - do some paperwork and meet with judge - takes about 1-2 hours I'm told in total. No attorney needed in AZ. I would never have guessed that taking these steps would be so simple.
Perhaps similar actions are available in other states.
I hope you have alternative senior center to choose for assistance as well.

Digbey - what the heck? That's your answer- let them sleep together? What a creep

A man with dementia at aged 86 is very obviously in a residential full care home. The bus would be used for short outings and excursions. The intrusive woman is probably at an earlier stage and would know what she was doing.
The most obvious course of action is to make an appointment with the director of the care home and take a lawyer with you to that meeting. It would not be medically acceptable or fair on your dad to be moved, so the female patient must be removed or her family bear the consequences. I don't think you have been tough enough in his defence.

Like said, a senior center is not equipped for taking care of Dementia/Alz patients. I would try a Daycare. If Dads fiances are such, u may get help for the cost thru medicaid. I am assuming Dad lives on his own since you "can't keep her away". If he can't remember her then he shouldn't be on his own. If this is ur home and u can't be there all the time then get a restraining order on her. It would help us if you did a profile.

Unfortunately, people with dementia often obsess about things that were taboo when they werec younger, and sex is one of them. My mom was a prude all her life, but when she was in the nursing home, she insisted everyone there was having relations with everyone else, including staff. Some of the things she talked about made me want to take a shower when I got home. Although her post was rather snarky, I agree with Idahogirl that you need to find a safe place for Dad. A place that is staffed and the staff is knowledgeable about potential lovebirds and can intervene.

Get a restraining order on her if you feel like your dad is being sexually assaulted. It may be hard but if you feel he needs protection you will have to be the bad guy to protect him.

First I have to say, this is supposed to be a forum for caregivers to commiserate, support and help each other by sharing experiences. I have seen several people treated very poorly here in the last few weeks, it surprises and saddens me that people here would be so cruel to other people who just like them are doing the best they can to care for an elderly friend or relative. Many of us here get enough abuse from the Dementia patient we are caring for, the last thing we need is more of the same from the people who are supposed to understand. How about we try to remember the saying, if you can't say something nice (supportive) don't say anything at all. We all have bad days so if it isn't a good one for you and something strikes you in such a negative way you feel compelled to berate them here, move on instead.

That said I have also noticed that people often read situations differently on social media and especially here often based on their own experiences so the answers can take on a life or situation of their own and this looks like one of those times. I may be doing that very thing and the one reading this OP question wrong but my understanding is that this is occurring at the senior center her father attends. As others have pointed out the bus or van mentioned is more likely the transportation van for that SR center or the local SR transport van like the one my mom uses to do things in town and go to some doctors appointments. I don't think we know if he still lives on his own or not and I'm not sure it matters. I am curious though, this younger woman does she also have memory issues? Might it be that she really does believe they are engaged and getting married and that he is as into it all as she is? Kind of like kids where the girl is a bit more advanced than the boy and easily leads them down the wrong path thinking it's what will make him like her more. Sometimes elderly with memory issues are as suggestible as children can be and maybe they are both behaving in ways they normally wouldn't. It doesn't help the situation but it might help everyone involved see the big picture and come up with ideas. It does sound like the "proof" both the center and the transit van are using would show her as being the aggressor and my guess is since he is male it doesn't occur to anyone that he isn't encouraging and enjoying it when to some degree giving his mental issues he is being assaulted, problem is she may not have enough faculties to know shes assaulting him if that makes sense. I would certainly go in and talk with the people at the SR center, they probably have some clout with the transportation too but you may need to talk with them separately. I would either get in touch with her family or caregiver directly or involve them through the center as well both because they need to know about the behavior for now and the future and because they may have some ideas about how to stop it. Maybe even simply coordinating the schedules so they are going to the center on different days. From your description I can imagine how hard this is on your dad, how stressful and from experience I know how much stress like that can bring out some of the downside of their illness's so sympathise with you watching all of this and feeling helpless about what to do. But keep in mind that when you can find a way to calm things down and restore that balance, his feeling about his place in the community, what seems like acceleration of his disease may very well fade back into the background where they have been. It probably isn't as permanent as it seems right now, on the other side though there may very well be things and times that bring them to the forefront again. We go through this with my mom all the time and we worry it means she's getting worse but then suddenly she seems much better again, it can be anything, stress is a big cause of course but a cold or some other infection can cause just as much havoc. Her flu shot threw her way off the rails when she got it a month or so ago. Hang in there.

I've been doing some very serious studying and I clearly see exactly what's going on. Social isolation was mentioned. This is the very early signs of abuse because it sounds like this woman has an agenda,  and it's not good! The first thing and abuser does is work on the targeted victim to isolate them from friends and family before making the next move. I know what I'm talking about because something happened to my dad who had Alzheimer's. He had a POA living with him and she ended up abusing her powers and changing his life insurance beneficiary from kin to herself, illegal in Ohio. I didn't know what happened until after dad died and now I'm dealing with the aftermath of her actions. Please feel free to use my story to gauge the situation but you may also want to do further research on the signs of abuse. Learn everything you can about all forms of elder abuse, including sexual abuse as you're describing. Vultures can get to their victims through whatever they're weak point is in order to get what they want from the victims. 

How you can help stop elder abuse 

You can call the APS and described to them exactly what you said here. Pulling up proof of his dementia from his medical records will be vital in proving your dad's being taken advantage of and sexually abused. 

* If he has dementia he cannot consent so this would be as bad as abusing a child

Get the police involved and make a report and describe everything you told us here. Include copies of diagnosed dementia from your dad's doctor and  explain that he's the victim who was banned from services when it should be the perpetrator. 

If you can get a video recording of the conversation with your dad about this woman, do it and save it to use for later. You can use video evidence to prove what's really going on. See if you can find out what time this woman shows up to visit your dad and get a video of the inappropriate contact from a distance and remote location but be careful to be subtle about it

If your dad can't remember the woman, who's to say he wasn't a willing participant in the activity? My mother has Alzheimer, she does things all the time that she later denies or has forgotten about. Unfortunately, you can not believe what someone with dementia says and it will get worse! One day they love something, the next day they hate it. If there are issues of any kind that are not good for your dad, take him somewhere else. It sounds to me like you are being a bit naive about the situation.

As if a caretaker doesn't have enough to worry about already. I will say when trained to be an STNA a few years ago, the "government" book I was issued said if two consenting residents want to get into bed together, we were to "provide privacy and leave the room." I got this from "Hartman's Nursing Assistant Care: The Basics," third edition, 2010, chapter 3, "Understanding Your Residents," page 57, in reference to the Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. "Humans are sexual beings," says the text. Right. And it's apparently okay for the residents to masturbate (which is one of the reasons I took my mom out of a memory care center where one old fart liked to stand close to the old gals confined to wheelchairs and touch himself every chance he got and was seldom escorted back to his room since the aides were too busy). Real nice to witness, though quoting this handbook again, "Residents have the right to choose how they express their sexuality. An attitude that any expression of sexuality by the elderly is "disgusting" or "cute" is inappropriate. It deprives residents of their right to dignity and respect," Lol.

Why in the world is HE being banned when it's the WOMAN who is the perpetrator? Something is amiss here!
Dighby, "let them sleep together?" Really?!! You've got to be daft, e.g. ludicrous.

I'm not daft or a creep or anything. Two consenting adults can do whatever they want. If they like each other they can sleep together, how is that any of your business?

Get a restraining order that she can't be within 150 feet of him - who ever is p.o.a. should be able to do this simply especially if there is video evidence - if she is doing this on a bus then she knows she can't in the senior centre / place they are meeting - get a hold on his accounts in case she starts bleeding him dry with money - hopefully this is all in place already but if not RUN DON'T WALK TO A LAWYER & GET IT SORTED OUT YESTERDAY IF POSSIBLE!

Dighby, you're "assuming facts not in evidence." The OP wrote that her father has dementia. He may not have the wherewithal to "consent", as you describe it. With dementia, he might be acting strictly on a physical response basis, and that's not informed consent, nor would it necessarily be consensual.

Yeah, and I know that children of the elderly often worry about their inheritance more than they should. Why else would an offspring worry about a woman showing normal adult physical affection towards a father? She's a gold digger!!! Maybe she actually likes the guy. Did you ever think of that? What kind of person assumes that signs of physical affection are "touching" and dirty? I say if the guy can get some action at 86 he should get it while he can. I know if I was 86 and a woman was making herself available, and my busybody daughter had a problem with it, I'd send her home. He's a grown man, let him do what he wants.

PYEDIANA; Your dad has alzheimers? But do the Drs say he's unable to care for himself ?do you think he just wants companionship? I mean I don't want to be alone ..Have you witnessed it with your own eyes? This happens weather we want it to or not ...our elders still want to blank blank....don't worry it happens more than you think ...you never know how we will be when we hit that age.....