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My mother was also hateful towards my father, always accusing him of faking his issues, his pain, and being such a terrible burden to her with his wheelchair that hit the corners of their apartment in AL. Well, he'd had about enough of her BS towards the end of his life & their fights were terrible. If he didn't pass away, I seriously think he'd have wanted a divorce after 68 years living with an abusive wife! It used to aggravate me NO END what she did to him. Nowadays she's 95 w advanced dementia and in a wheelchair herself! You should see the condition of HER apartment from hitting the walls with it. And HER pain is real, of course, which is sad but ironic at the same time. I always say, what goes around comes around.
I do feel that once your parents are properly placed and getting the right care, you can stop worrying about them so much & spending THAT much time with them b/c they'll have the care and management required to relax you a bit. That's the right thing to do.
Best of luck
Mmm. What if you weren't so available? Lived too far? Were another brother? 😁 Took off for a round the world cruise?
Stepping back is easier said than done. It involves letting go a bit. Involving more other people for their care. So get that in place & rejoin your own life (now where did I put that?)
I agree with MJ on level of care. Time to reassess this.
Is there a Facility Manager? Arrange a meeting. Ask what happens when their needs exceed IL. (Would happen ALL the time). Does a needs assessment need to be done? If so, arrange that & see what comes of it.
Where I live an Aged Care Assessment Team can work in with PT & Dr reports to recommend IL, AL or MC.
I will add - it is sad when couples have to be split, but then again, when both have different needs it can be a relief too. If in the same facility they can meet for daily visits. This can work very well. Esp if neither recognises the other needs more help & can't provide it themself.
You can't allow Dad to keep whacking on Mom no matter how obnoxious she is. Move them to the proper level of care, because they aren't in it.