My cousin asked me if I would move in to her mom's house so that I can take care of her. She has dementia and is mostly alone. Any advice?

Your cousin needs to get a good dose of taking care of her own mom for a few weeks. That is the ONLY WAY she is going to realize what a bargain it would be to pay you $2,000 a month along with you living there. You would be doing HER a HUGE favor by living there! She'd know someone was always there keeping an eye on her mom.

And how many of your want to bet once she moves in she will be expected to pay for the utilities?

Do Not Do It.

under My moms long term care contract, they reimburse at a rate of $300 per day for personal care services
the local staffing agency charges us $350 per day for 24/7 care - caregiver is entitled to 3 hours off for meals and 5-8 hours sleep that are unpaid.
this comes to $25-30 per hour worked.
Medicaid will allow for reimbursement of family care giver if qualified.

As a direct hire, $300 per day would be the rate in my area. ($29/h)

Magical7764: Your response to your cousin should be 'No, I cannot and will not take care of a second individual with dementia. I've already got a full plate. It IS a big deal caring for my husband with dementia.'

You will still have some expenses even though you're saving while getting free room and board. Gas in the car, yout own food, a cell phone bill, medical copays, your transmission decides to go out, whatever your situation may be. If you're not being paid you'll be living off what you're saving, and that 'rainy day' situation could happen. Points to ponder.

Free room and board is not considered compensation. Life, existence, costs money. And this is no ordinary job. Your aunt's condition will not improve and the level of care will only increase. In my opinion I wouldn't care how much money I saved if I was too exhausted to spend any of it when I was done.

Anybody who screamed me down with, "I cannot pay you anything," would get a resounding, "Then I wish you well," and a hung up phone.

Best of luck. Put you and your husband first. I think you'll be glad you did.

One more comment—the fact that you didn’t push back when the $2,000 offer was rescinded means you will get trampled if you do move in. This is not a criticism—I am the same way, and do not like confrontation. It’s just how I am—and so I work hard not to be around people who are likely to take advantage of me. Your cousin has NO place asking you to be a caregiver for free—and yes, it is for free! Letting you use a bedroom costs them NOTHING. There is NO consideration of your needs here at all, only their own greed. They are irresponsible and immature. How DARE they ask this of you??

Maybe see a social worker for yourself—they can maybe help you with a plan going forward; there might be good financial support for you and your husband that you don’t know about. Don’t get involved with people who feel very free to take advantage of your difficult situation.

No. Don’t take the offer. Especially given her husbands attitude about it. Free room and board to be a 24/7 slave?! No. I’d pick a cardboard box over that.

No. Do not take on this responsibility.

Dementia is A BIG DEAL. And you want to take on two people? You have no idea what you are getting into. Research TEEPA SNOW's website - she is the country's leading expert on dementia. You need to educate yourself on what this means - in terms of progression, brain chemistry, behavior.

You are considering taking on more than you can imagine.
And once you are in there and find out what is involved, what will you do?
Move again? With a husband with dementia?

Offer to visit 1-2 hours several times a week.
Be clear on your time boundaries / limitations.
Do not offer an open-ended schedule.

* You ask us about live-in caregivers/laws. I question why you haven't researched this yourself already? [I am not picking on you although] I am inquiring as these are the types of things you need to be able to consider and research before you make any decisions - that you may / will regret down the road.

* Contact a tax attorney or elder care attorney re: the financial component.

A 'live-in' caregiver is considered, legally and tax-wise, an employee.
This could get very messy / complicated.
* "If" you do decide to move in, get a year's pay in advance and into your account. I would never ever rely on / expect that things will go smoothly and that you can depend on the income offered.

AND GET EVERYTHING IN WRITING. THIS NEEDS TO BE A CONTRACT.

* With issues already expressed that 'she doesn't listen' and is loud ... any arguments, misunderstandings or anger for whatever reason, the financial 'agreement' is out the window. And more grief awaits you on a red carpet.

* You do not want to leave yourself stuck. This is a 'stuck situation' waiting to happen.

You 'may' end up 'not paying rent,' although you will pay with your life - exhaustion and no end to it. And perhaps worse, feeling like you are having a breakdown.

You have enough on your plate. Do not do it.

Gena / Touch Matters

One option would be to accept the room with the understanding that as soon as you find a new apartment you will be leaving. The bottom line is that she probably needs you more than you need her. It is not healthy to be a 24/7 caregiver, especially for two people with dementia. It sounds like your cousin will expect you to be chained to the house in exchange for this room. That I not a good situation.

What she is proposing, with no salary, amounts pretty much to slave labor. But more importantly, think about the commitment. You'd be responsible for your aunt and would be accountable to your cousin, maybe for years to come. Is she someone who you'd want to be "reporting" to? Reach out to your state's department of aging (and your locality's department of aging, if they have one) or a local social worker to find out if there are benefits that you and your husband are not currently receiving, and ask for help finding an affordable apartment, if you need help.

No, do not take the offer. If taking care of her mother is so easy, why doesn't she do it. You have your hands full at the moment with your own husband who has dementia. Today managing your husbands care may be doable, but as he progresses, or his symptoms change and his health deteriorates, you will have your hands full.

Your cousin is looking for an easy inexpensive fix for her mom. This can't be you. Find your own home for you and your husband. Let her find someone else to control and short change for the care of her own mom. Don't do it!

Tell cuz to take care of her mom herself.

Slaves had free room and board, too. Just say no. In fact, say HELL NO. You are opening yourself up to a world of hurt if you do this. Even $2000 isn't enough. Your cousin and her DH want free labor so they don't have to think about it anymore.

NO, NO, NO...don't do it.

She has already shown that she can change her mind and is willing to (pardon the term) "screw you". What you have written also tells me that she does not realize how much work it really takes to take care of a person with dementia. It is definitely mentally demanding (dealing with the person plus what she and her family expect out of you) and will eventually, if not already, become physically demanding. If she were to hire someone for the amount of time she is asking you to be there, it would be over $60,000 per year, and they would have the option, without emotion, to leave.

If your cousin were to officially put you on the payroll, there would be taxes that both she and you would have to pay, which will be taking a huge hit on the amount of money you have left and increase the money she will have to pay. In addition, once you start, you will find it hard to get out of the situation because you already have an emotional attachment. She sounds like the type of person who would just alternately railroad and ghost you just to get her way. Just don't accept her offer. You don't need that in your life especially since your husband already has dementia.

For you, I would suggest that you look into a government program that can help you provide shelter and food for you and your husband. Please enjoy your husband while you and he are still able. You don't say whether you are a senior or not, however, either way, there are programs that will help you and your husband live a decent, no frills life.

If it will help you to save money, you might want to try it. You said you're already caring for your husband so one more is no big deal. Free rent is a pretty good deal if you're already staying at home to care for someone else. You might ask her to double the food amount to cover meals for you and her mom. $600 for groceries to cook for the 3 of you would mean you're saving even more money.

If you get enough $$ stashed away, you might be able to move on and buy your own place and not pay a landlord anymore. Worse case scenario, you aren't happy there - you have some rent money saved up - you give her a deadline when you have all your ducks in a row to move out. Then she can hire someone for in-home care 24/7...and she might be willing to pay for the care you provide her mom.

I would say don't do it! But if you feel you must, get everything in writing. Make a contract for what is expected of you, what you will receive in return, and pay. You cannot possibly live there for no pay. If you can, check out the going rate for a live-in caregiver in the state in which your aunt lives and present it to your cousin. If she is treating you like this before you begin the assignment, it will only get worse once you are in place. In addition, caring for TWO people will be very, very, very different from caring for your husband. No contract, no deal.

There is always a choice. So you sold all your furniture? I'd rather live in an empty apartment then go and help your cousin. Let's face it, once you move in with cousin you will still have no money to move out and she is counting on that. This is such an easy choice. Don't do it.

Don't do it! Stay away from hell.

Screw your cousin! What an absolute jerk. You do not owe her ANYTHING. Do not deal with her. You do not deserve to be screamed at and treated poorly. It will NOT improve.

6 months is a LONG time. Do not fool yourself into thinking that it's ONLY 6 months. 6 months of hell is an eternity. Tell her (maybe by text or email since you're not allowed to talk) that you can't possibly do this.

You are not THAT desperate. You CAN figure out and enact a plan. Start now. Move to a less expensive area and start a new life. With your hubby. Good luck with his condition. Hopefully his decline will be slow and manageable.

Best of luck.

Taking care of 1 person with dementia is a tough enough job for 1 person. Add in a second person with dementia and you are going to be running yourself ragged.
Talk about caregiver burnout!
$2000 a month breaks down to $66.66 a day or $2.77 per hour. (24 hours in a day)
I am sure you can get a job almost anywhere for more than &2.77 an hour.

Check your States website for labor laws.

PLEASE do not do this to yourself or to your husband.
(Grandma1954 07/23/23 10:03 am)

Oh H3LL No!

I got bamboozled into taking care of my disabled sister for three years in exchange for free room and board. It did not work. When I moved away from the situation after I went through all of the challenges of having her placed in a group home, everybody benefitted except for me and daughter. We left with minimal savings and had to start over from scratch.

How is it that your cousin feels that she has so much power over you that she can yell scream and bully you? Did she pay you for your services when you were doing the hours that you preferred? I would look for a place for you and your husband and to heck with her and her nonsense. Let her deal with her mom's situation the way everyone else has handled their elderly parents. People like your cousin work at doling out work loads for everyone else while she goes scott free to do what she wants.

And another heck no to free room and board with no pay. Check the labor laws. Live ins get paid and time off. Your cousin is using your living situation to manipulate you.

I would absolutely not be a caregiver to anyone 24/7 without compensation no matter who it is. Free room and board or not. Caregiver contract, with respite, sick days and back up plan of your no longer able to do it. If the aunt gets placed in a NH it will minimally cost about 7 grand a month. Which if she doesn’t qualify for Medicaid or have long term care insurance she would have to go thru whatever assets she has to pay for the care until she is eligible for Medicaid. I don’t think people realize how little care people really do get in a Nursing home versus in home. If they hire in home caregivers depending on area 15$ minimal private pay, 30 plus thru agency. If they hire privately they need to get an umbrella insurance policy to cover if someone got injured on the property.

For cheaper rent:

Move to a cheap neighborhood. At least for a while.
Rent a room from some one's house.
Take in a roommate if you still have your own place.
Move out of California. Check out the rents in other states. Nevada, Idaho, Arizona, Texas, for instance.

Find another job. So many places are hiring. Even a minimum wage job would be heaven compared to slavery.

This move can NOT be your only choice. Stop thinking that you have to other options. There must be. THINK. BE RESOURCEFUL.

If you took this slave job, you would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

I wouldn’t do it. I think you are being taken advantage of. You will be there every single day, no days off? You are giving up a lot for free rent. You should also be paid. You will be working.

Unfortunately your husbands condition will probably continue to deteriorate. Will you be able to care for two people who will need more care?

Free rent sounds great but I wouldn’t do this especially your cousin sounds like she could be difficult and you wouldn’t want to ruin a family relationship over this. Hopefully you can find another living arrangement for you and your husband.

Good luck.

Thank you everyone for your response and advise. Let me answer some of the questions I read from some of you...

Let me introduce myself. I'm new here and so far, I love what I've been reading. Anyways,
My name is Carolyn I'm 56 years old. I currently care for my husband who is 63 yrs old who suffered a stroke several years ago.
My husband was a mechanic who was the owner of his own shop and worked that during the day, he also worked a graveyard job as a diesel mechanic.
One night on his way to work, he suffered a stroke while driving. He ended up crashing the car into a light post and when the police came to the scene, they automatically assumed he was drunk.
He was unable to respond to what the officers were asking of him and they took it as if he was that intoxicated. One of the officers went to the passenger side door and pushed my husband out the door and he fell on the ground from that, they handcuffed him and took him to jail.
They phoned me and said to come by the station as my husband was detained due to DUI.
I actually believed them and was a bit upset. When I got to the station, they informed me that they had him taken to the county hospital just to have him checked for possible alcohol poisoning.
So I went to the hospital and they told me he hasn't been checked in yet. I went around the corner and spoke to the paramedics who transported him and they said he's laying on the Gurnee awaiting to be admitted but they have more serious people they have to attend to first.
Once in I was able to see him. As I was speaking to him, his face started melting like wax from a candle. I called the nurse and she rushed in and doctors etc. flooded the room and took him for a cat scan.
Then I was told that he had suffered a major stroke and it didn't look good as he had a brain bleed from it.

Anyways, today he is alive and is walking however, with his left side being deficit.
I felt you should know my husbands back ground to better understand my situation.
This is why I stopped working so that I can take care of him.

Where we live is So Cal in a city called Rancho Cucamonga. Yes rent is crazy expensive. That's the reason why were moving.

My cousin asked me if I needed extra money, that I could watch her mom and provide her with company, meds and food prep. I would bring my husband with me everyday from 6 am to 6 pm. then home we went so that I can pack etc.
She was paying me 2300.00 to do this. Then she asked if I wanted to move in after my lease is up at my apartment so that I can save money on rent and she'd pay me 2300.00 and to me that sounded perfect.

Well, one month before my move date, she did pull a bait and switch on me. Now, I have no furniture and no time.
Where I feel that my only option is to move in, in order to save money and find another place. She thinks I'm not paying rent when actually, with her withholding my 2300.00 that is in fact like me paying rent.

I asked her if I could just work as before but not live there so that she could pay me as before. She said "I CANNOT PAY YOU ANYTHING" I'm giving you free rent!!! So, there is no talking to someone who's yelling.

So there you go, that's everything. My husband has dementia, and he is in the early stage. I feel that I rehab him from his stroke, I can handle this too.

Who knows maybe I'm loosing my mind. I'm just tired and cant fight this fight anymore.

Maybe she should let her husband take over the care for no compensation,, see how long that lasts! YOu are getting scammed.

Your cousin pulled a bait and switch. An in home caregiver would require a salary along with room and board. She is just hoping you are stuck now. Run. This will not end well

Desperate people can do desperate and very unwise things. You are about to do just that.

If you saw a job offer that read:

Live-in nanny wanted Work hours: 24/7. Benefits: free room and board. Pay: zero.

Would you accept it?Oh, btw, child is 200 lb. mentally ill, handicapped and 80 y.o.