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In her very clear mind she decided against the risky surgery and chose to go home on hospice and die within all of her children and grandchildren around her. She is so very strong and has outlasted the days to a couple of weeks that the Drs predicted. She has been home almost a month. She is now in the active dying phase. How do we deal with outsiders telling us we should have made my mom have the surgery. She made the right decision for her. She was at peace. It’s getting so frustrating hearing people tell us what should have been done. We are taking great care of my mom & wouldn’t trade this for anything. My dad & sister both died of cancer in their 50’s mom is content about reuniting with them & the rest of her family. I’m so sad at the nerve of people

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You have done the right thing in honoring your mother's wishes. When others speak, all you need to do is tell them you appreciate their concern, but that your mother and your family have dome what is right for you and will not discuss it further. Many, if not most, people do tend to believe they know what is right for everyone [until one tries to tell them what to do]. I certainly understand your frustration. Recognize that others may mean well, but they do not usually have all the facts and you do not need to explain yourselves. [ I presume from your info that you have discussed all the options with your mom's doctors.]
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I would tell them that it was your mother's wish to die at home and try to switch the subject when they start to talk about it again.
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Tell.them what you just wrote so clearly Its NOTB by the way.
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Sometimes people believe that the internet and watching Dr. Oz qualifies them as medical a professional.
tell them "thank you so much for your thoughts but the decision is Mom's and we respect her decision and hope you will respect her wishes"
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Mom absolutely made the right decision. She is in control of how she wants to leave this earth and chooses to not end up in assisted living draining family resources. The family does not need to give excuses. It is dispicable that people would even mention such a thing. It is nobody's business how we choose to die.
She is surrounded by loved ones, in her own home. Play some soft music and embrace death. We all have to walk that path ....... it can be a beautiful process.
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At 80 years old I was taken to hospital where they inserted a tube in my nose and removed the blockage. Not fun but she can live through this!
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All I can do is send you a huge virtual hug.
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during my 93 yr old mom's last weeks in late March/early April I was caught up in the things that could be done for her rather than the reality of her need for comfort. I suppose people will have their opinions and some of the suggestions may seem to be the right answers for medical options. But these can be the right answers to the wrong questions. When an elderly persons begins to move toward their end, they have a sense of that. My mom started mentioning going home one way or another back in January. She was not clear minded and had advanced dementia but I realize she was trying to ask for something like hospice in February. It was her time and I am so happy for your mom that you have supported her in her decision that this is her time. I wouldn't be concerned about the outside opinions at all.
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Stay strong. I can't believe how rude and ignorant ppl can be. Some years ago, I lost all of my hair during chemo for breast cancer. More than once, I overheard ppl say they would never take chemo. Relatives snarled their lips at the sight of my head in a scarf, but most memorable was the jerk that sat behind me during lunch at a restaurant one day. He didn't keep it a secret to anyone in the place that I completely grossed him out. Truth is, i scared the decency out of the little coward. And I had my scarf on anyway. What a whimp!
Now I'm all better, and everyday I get to thank Science and the Universe for another opportunity to shampoo my hair! Lol! You stay strong. They are not as brave and loving as you are. Poor things! Life is scary:)
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People act irrationally out of fear or just plain wanting to be control freaks. I'm glad your mom can do what she has chosen to do. God bless you in this time.
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I suppose it depends to a certain extent on who the outsiders are, and whether they have any business at all expressing any kind of opinion. But that said, I don't think I'd be sad at the nerve of these people. I think I'd be incandescent with rage. How dare they?

Do you absolutely have to have them in the house?
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No, do not be sad about this, this is exactly what we have decided that is more important to always act so caring about others despite their rudeness and your own grief. Who told all of these onlookers? Family grief does not have to be public but someone called up these people and yes, of course they want her to choose to live abd undergo surgery and die on table or live in pain post surgery or just die a slow death, and of course your mother possibly made her decision but this was not Published either, so you guys are judged because you want her to die, you made her do this.

I would not have done any of this and that is why all if this was private and not to be told to everyone since now you are going to be judged no matter what. No one has to know your family business and the problem with Hospice decisions no one wants to think that the person making the decision chose this. So, this might have been what your family wanted along with your mother but someone chose to open this up possibly on Media and that is our problem now. No privacy and what you felt was her last days to enjoy will now be talked about, posted about, and so on.

Do yourself a favor end this with a very Private Homegoing. You know how this got out, do not allow this to be the end for what was a better design. If you and immediate family agreed with your mother, then create the Homegoing someplace and do not share with anyone. There are no rules people do what you want and Quit be Sheep to judgmental bullies. Politeness is never given to many but many people do not know how to confront rudeness. Learn to stop embracing others bad behavior. Who cares if they agree they would not be invited to anything else. You do not have to be nice to mean people.
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Imho, in a situation like this, you are always going to have individuals verbalize to you their OPINIONS on the subject, BUT you do not have to give them an ear.
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It is very, very, terribly common for people to openly question a decision made by someone else based on their own knowledge and beliefs. I would make a bet on it having being done by just about everyone at one point or another, including you. Did you never say to someone "oh, you shouldn't do that" or "oh, you should do this," and so on. It is terribly uncommon, unfortunately, to assume that adults are more or less intelligent and have carefully thought through their decision without needing help from people who weren't asked for help. I try to listen to people (who have typically have good intentions) for as long as I can stand it. If they don't give up, I say - pointedly - "I'm a Grown-Ass woman and I'm perfectly capable of making my own decisions." Everyone gets my point, which is basically STFU!
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How very rude, to give advice to your family at this time. Not only rude, but annoying, wrong, and a waste of your time.

You can simply say 'thank you' as soon as possible and hang up the phone or end the conversation. By simply being polite you are rising above their intrusion.

You really don't have to say anything else except good-bye. Your focus right now is your mother, and I'm sure your family is happy to have this extended time to say farewell.

Finally, go ahead and say whatever is on your mind! Why do you have any reason to worry about these other people when you are in the midst of a solemn family occasion?
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tell them you did the 5 wishes, which is what she dictates what her future will be due to medical/health concerns. It's her wishes and why would you want to go against HER wishes I would say to them.
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How do you feel about telling them that you don't want to hear this - and please stop? - And if they persist, let them know their remarks are hurtful. If they are willing to listen to you, you might want to tell them how they can support you - what you need to hear from them right now.

You followed your mother's wishes, hard as I'm sure it must have been for you. Bravo!
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Don't answer your phone until they calm down. You don't have to answer to people that are not kind and supportive especially during this time. It's an emotional time. I know because my Mother just passed away about a month ago. She was in Hospice as well and decided to go on and join her sister (whom she really missed) and other family members and friends that passed on before her. The added negativity is not needed. Just enjoy as much as you can the quiet, special times with you and your Mom and with those that bring a sense of joy and kindness into the picture.

On an added note, my father-in-law had a bowel blockage. He had been in assisted living for a while recovering from surgery after a heart attack. He went back to the hospital due to the blockage and his doctor indicated to all of us there is little possibility that he would survive the surgery. And if he did, he would have quite a difficult recovery. The family all decided to not have him go through any more pain and trauma. He was older and had already been through a lot. Everyone was at peace with the decision. He passed in a natural, quiet way with all his family there.
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"It’s getting so frustrating hearing people tell us what should have been done." They are processing the information, but it is her process in the end. Thank you for respecting her decision.
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You could just say "thanks for your input but this is what SHE wanted and thats all that matters".......and then ask them to pray for her ease of passage. Praying that you all have good memories and cherish each moment. God bless.
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I congratulate you and your family in supporting your mother’s wishes. Ethically and morally your mother has made the right decision which is also supported by her doctor and her family. Just because something can be done doesn’t mean it should be done. We in our culture have a difficult time dealing with death so there is an expectation that everything should be done. The simplest thing to say to those who disagree with your mother’s decision is: “I appreciate your concern and respect your view. It is not what my mother, doctor, and family wish.
Dr. Edward Smink
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Your Mom did what she thought was right for her. The family should surround her with love and understanding. Anyone else should be shut out as they don't have the inside tract to what is right for someone else. BE STRONG
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I was guilty of this before.
We had a family member who needed a heart transplant. My DH cousin. He wouldn’t go on the list. I was so sad about it. He explained that he didn’t want to spend his last days connected to the heart hospital as when you are on the donor list there is a lot of red tape and you are pretty much tied up with the hospital from then until death. So if it was a success or not, his life would never be free of that stress. He and his brother had heart issues from a very young age. He had lived into his 60s and felt he had been on borrowed time for many years. Both parents died young of heart disease. So he chose to not have the transplant. His brother, 11 months older, chose to have the transplant. They both died before the older brother received his.

In my case, we were friends. He helped me with DH aunt. I really miss him. But I realized after we discussed it that I was out of line to question his decision. He was in a relationship. Had children, grandchildren. Plenty of people closer and more important to him to discuss this with. It was none of my business even though I knew of people who had done well with a transplant.
He didn’t appear to be upset with me but his purpose in letting me know about his decision wasn’t so I could talk him into it. I think it was a way of him dealing with it, of saying good bye and letting me know that his death was not too far off. He was the second nephew of aunts to die that was my #2 on her care team. So there was that as well. He was taking care of business, not asking for advice. I highly respected him and his decision. After I had more time to reflect, I felt embarrassed that I thought I had anything to share that should influence his decision.

I wish you and your mom peace.
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She may have died from the surgery. You and your Mom did what Mom wanted to do and you most likely had extra time with her because of that decision. Dont let other people bother you. They can be so cruel. Tune them out. They dont deserve your time. Just be with Mom the whole time now holding her hand and talking to her even if you think she cant hear you. She can! Keep saying I love you and giving her kisses on her cheeks and forehead. May God Bless your Mom and you.
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Be tough and be firm. Simply state every single option was explored and discussed but it is the right of the mother to choose what happens and this is what is being respected. Thank them for their interest but tell them it is a closed subject and tell them it will no longer be discussed. It will be hard but this is the ONLY way to handle this. Some people cannot understand someone dying (until it happens to them) and will always interfere.
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When you say “blockage” or cancer? A blockage could be caused by intestinal blockage. My LO had intestinal blockage after colon cancer surgery. He was out of the hospital after 3 days; no restrictions. Unless your mother has other bad issues this is not necessarily a reason to give up and wait to die unless of course you want to
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Gouk00 Jun 2021
You are saying exactly what the LW is complaining about. Shame on you. Her mother made a decision based on the medical facts that were presented to her. Not on assumptions like you are doing. You have no idea what is going on with her mother’s health except the small amount that the LW wrote. It is her mother’s decision. End of conversation.
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Your mom is in her right mind and refused a dangerous surgery.
It's her right to decide what she wants and no one else's.
All the people who offer their totally unsolicited two cents about it should just be told:

'It was my mother's decision and what she wanted'.

And let that be the end of it. No one is owed an explanation and certainly none of you have to tolerate anyone saying what you should have done or could have done.

If telling these intrusive, 'do-gooders' that it was your mother's choice is not enough and they continue to carry on, well... God gave us all two middle fingers for a reason. Use them.
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cherokeegrrl54 Jun 2021
Love your whole answer!! People can be so damn nosy and intrusive most of the time!
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Perhaps it's best not to share details with people. Those you know well who can accept what is said and done, fine, the rest, MYOB. Mom made her decision and it's HER decision. Once you share the details, you are likely going to get various feedback. For those who knew my mother and asked about her, I could share various aspects of her condition and care, but got no recriminations. Granted, it was different. My mother's issue was dementia, but no one ever stuck their nose in and suggested other ways to care for her. Well, one exception. YB was INSISTENT that mom would prefer AL, not MC. She'd not want to be in with a "bunch of old farts" is how he looked at it. MC had no more "old farts" than AL, but he didn't see it that way. When I said that wasn't a good idea as AL isn't locked down and residents aren't "monitored", so she could walk out the door at any time, he said she doesn't do that now. Of course not, she's home and isn't at wandering stage, but this won't be home. She will most likely see the door and walk out. I can't recall how many times staff told me that mom said she was going to walk to her mother's place or mine! Her mother had been gone over 40 years and she had no clue where I lived!

Once the "cat is out of the bag", the best response is just this was mom's decision and she made it. End of story. There's no real need to be rude to them, unless they press on. Then just cut them off and say end of discussion.
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So sorry you are dealing with this and sorry People are so insensitive. I just lost my mother April 3. She was diagnosed with cancer after a bowel blockage, she was 85 years old. Ultimately the blockage is what took her and we also did hospice. We were given a few days and had three wonderful months with my mother. Sending you lots of hugs and well wishes.
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Well, if no one answered for their opinion you know how dumb and rude they really are! Just tell them that it is your Mom's wish and you are following her wishes and the subject is not open for discussion or opinions. Period
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