My mother continues to tell little lies about me. She has always been very negative and selfish. I want to know if any of you have cut ties with a parent and how did it go?

I think negative relationships with a mother and a son or daughter tend to bring out the worst in each person, I've been there. I never gave up on my daughter who is highly successful and beautiful at least physically, and married to a pretty good guy whose also successful. Her mode of revenge was to make up lies about what kind of a parent I was (for the longest time she made up lies about her brother and it broke his heart as he continued to try and connect with her). I think no I know she has told lies and made up horrific accusations of abuse that never happened and it was out of spite. My grandchildren (4 granddaughters) adored me, and she resented that yet I was often her babysitter for the whole weekend so she and her hubby could enjoy a weekend trip away...and I adored having the girls and she certainly trusted me then. When they were struggling I occasionally loaned them money which they did always pay back as agreed, but it sometimes left me "short" for the week or month...and I loaned her my car for six months with the understanding she'd at least pay the insurance so she'd have a car during the day and not felt stuck at home..but be able to take the girls to the park or go shopping herself. I am truthful by saying I am not totally innocent because I would get upset with her for responding badly to me if I was at her house for the day and she had a mountain of laundry and when the kids were down for a nap or playing it was just as easy to do it and I felt giving her and hand and taking some of the pressure off her.....her reaction was not at all the same I had when my Mom was kind enough to come and help me out as a young mom. She would be furious with me, I am assuming because I must have made her feel like she wasn't doing a good job which all I was doing was giving her and hand...I learned not to do that ever again. I loaned them a sum of money and was to get it back on Saturday and I stopped by to get it and put it back in the bank and as agreed they did pay me back but were having a BBQ with many of their professional friends...unkown to me or I would have just said I'd come by another day. As I arrived I said Oh good a BBQ, in more of a joking manner...and she told me to leave that there was not enough for me. I was shocked, mortified...at her disrespect. She eventually cut all ties with me so I could no longer see my granddaughters, and as I left her house and her telling me I could no longer see the girls I asked her to return my Kitchen Aid which she promptly refused and said "I'm not done with it"....and still has it. The girls I have since found out who are all grown up now, were told I was physically and mentally abusive to her and she could not trust me around them. Nothing could be farther from the truth, I loved my daughter and even as a single parent tried to give her the things I never had. My granddaughter 27 and married recently tried to commit suicide and that has been the first time I heard from her asking me if anyone in "our" family was bi polar, and she knew full well her deceased brother was bi polar ....I remained kind and wrote her the entire medical history of more then one bi polar person in our family so she would have full information to tell my granddaughters mental health doctors. I am absolutely terrified that her daughter like my son may end up taking her life....and I am completely at a loss for words and so unhappy that their family is having to experience this...but I have to stay out of it. Both parents are successful and can afford the best medical care and I have no doubt other then not telling them the truth about their grandmother instead making up a story that made them resent me....they will do their best to help their daughter. My daughter and her husband belong to a faith that believes in "shunning" people as their church teachings say to if their is conflict....so I have gone over 20 yrs without seeing my own child. That to me personally is not the way I would have handled it myself as a Christian, but we are of different faiths. I do know she wanted me to join the LDS church which I refused to do, shortly after that I was shunned. I have no idea why my daughter became the type to make up stories actually lies, and unfortunately I think she has actually came to believe her own lies...her brother and I both tried communication with her a number of times as he loved and missed her very much...but at some point we both realized we had no choice but to respect her wishes and cut ties with us. I have cancer now, and I have no desire to see her, not out of bitterness ..she's just not someone I know or could tolerate at this time in my life...nor can I try to show myself as a good grandmother to my four granddaughters at this late date truthfully I doubt they would trust my words or believe me. So I have had to also cut ties with a child, and its no easier then a child having to cut ties with an abusive parent...only she's an abusive daughter. I am however since she is my only survivor sending her all my family heirlooms one box at a time, they seem to mean something to her and I feel its no time for me to be bitter and just toss them out and be mean....so you see, children can disown parents for the wrong reasons also...and I have no grandparents rights in the state I live in. Sadly this seems like a very hurting world for so many families, and I wish it was not so.

Dear holmoak,

It has been 5 years since I posted this comment and here is what happened to me. I finally decided to put up borders with mom. It was easy since I live in a different state and it would require a plane trip to visit her. So I decided to call her once a week, let her talk about herself, make negative comments and basically ignore what she was saying. I did not visit for 5 years.

She would make comments about me not visiting but I ignored them too. She told me once that I was welcomed in her home for 2 or 3 days and that was it. I decided to stay home but I did invite her every year to spend the winter with me in Florida. She refused. I was supposed to visit her when she felt like it.

Thirty years earlier she and dad made a will dividing their estate between me and my brother. I always had the feeling she would leave me out if she could. So she did the sneaky thing. She went to the bank and made my brother beneficiary of every single thing she owned, about 700,000.00 worth. All was left for me was half of an old house valued at 100,000.00.

In late March she became very ill. She had less than three months to live. We called hospice and I travel to stay with her for the first month. During this time my brother discovered what she had done with her bank accounts and told her that no matter what she wanted or did, he was giving me half. So he told her to make it easy for him and add me to the accounts. She did but never addressed this with me, never soothed my hurt feelings.

I spent a month with her and she never changed. Not even a little bit. She blamed me for stopping up her plumbing because I brushed my hair in the bathroom, she blamed me for not putting enough gas in the car when I went to the store to buy and pay for all the food, she blamed me for cracking my window at night to get a breath of fresh air, she gave away jewlery I wanted for my girls, her granddaughters, to her grandson to give to his girl friend. She would not let me watch any TV except what she wanted (the Walton's). And most of all she never addressed my hurt feelings and the fact she gave my brother all of her money basically disinheriting me. She never changed.

When I left, I knew I would never see her again. She died six weeks later. I heard just after I left she changed her attitude and was like a different person. Well good for her.

I guess if there was a silver lining in this sad relationship it was my brother. He was a far better man than I thought and I respect him more than ever. He told me he had do the right thing and answer to God. Mom has to answer too.

So please understand your mother has her own demons for whatever reason but it does not give her the right to abuse you, a loving and caring daughter. Distance yourself and take care of yourself and realize people like our mother's are damaged or sick or mean or whatever. But it is not our fault ever.

And most of all they die sooner or later. The movie ending of bedside confessions and airing it all out doesn't happen with these types. They never do anything wrong. Get some help, read some self help books and put up that wall. It is really all you can do other than just totally disconnecting with her. Take care.

Glad I found this site and read these replies. My story is pretty much the same, except in recent years my mum has developed severe memory problems, confusion, paranoia, delusions and hallucinations. Neighbours, family and friends ring me to tell me, expecting me to do something. I have bashed my head against a brick wall trying to talk to doctors, hospital, mental health teams, social workers etc etc. Mum is able, I've seen it so many times to somehow switch from a very confused state, asking me to help to an immediate switch when we go to see the doctor or anyone basically, she also tells everyone it is me trying to get her in a home, that I break in and steal or hide things, break her radiators and calls me a liar if I try to explain to anyone how things are. She has called the police on several occasions, telling them I've locked her in, they see a poor old confused lady and suspect me. Then the keys turn up in a well hidden place. Eventually she was diagnosed with mild dementia, a diagnosis I watched happening and don't believe for one minute. I have known her my whole life, I know the patterns, the selective memory, how everything is always everybody else's fault. It's all so difficult, I've tried all the tactics of handling the situation. I know I need to cut her out of my life but everytime I try to or when she has cut me out of her life, I end up feeling guilty and so sorry for her as she is getting worse, more isolated and I don't like to think of anyone in this situation with no one. I feel pathetic as it is like I open myself up every time for another hard knock, mostly she claims not to need help, that nothing is wrong, other times she rings begging for help. Yesterday, she spoke to me like a normal person, was sorry for everything, then showed me a letter. A safeguarding team had been round to see her because she told them I was trying to steal her money, luckily they were writing to say they had closed the case. How can I continue to be in her life? It is having such a detrimental affect on me and my life? Yet how do I cut her out without feeling so bad? She needs help but the authorities say 'it's her choice, she is capable of making a choice'.

My mother has a personality disorder. She is jealous, verbally and emotionally abusive, blames everyone else...it's never her fault she is always right. I set boundaries (very important). When I visited, I would leave when the tension set in, the negativity, the name calling. I have even told her to leave my house if she could not stop running my husband down. Emotional detachment is necessary to achieve when dealing with loved ones with personality disorders. This does not mean you do not care about them, it means that their words have no power over you because you have detached from them. You can learn more about detaching with love by googling it. Learn about setting boundaries as well. Counseling can help you achieve this too.
There is no reasoning with a person with a personality disorder. Normal filters that we use when dealing with people are not there in a personality disorder. Their denial is so deeply rooted that even psycho therapy will not help the majority. They see their children as an extension of themselves not as individual people which is why they believe they own you. I know my life changed dramatically when I accepted that my mother would never respect me or acknowledge me for the person I am. That is when I started setting boundaries, limiting my time around her. Good luck to you!!

Being grateful to someone who gave you life is a crock. Biology does not entitle you to be forever an adoring mother! Love, respect, honesty and all those good characteristics toward your child is what makes you a mother. Without it you are no more than a birthing machine. Loving care is not an entitlement, it has to be earned. My advice to madge1 is if you can live with yourself to have a better life, do it and don't look back.

First off, I can tell you from experience, "cutting ties" will not solve anything. Your pain will follow you around wherever you go. I also have a mother who tells lies. She tells lies about the past, basically because she's afraid she'll lose everything if she tells the truth, which may be, but the truth is and always shall be more important than our situation in life. You have to be brave, and strong, and most important, YOU MUST TELL THE TRUTH -- ALWAYS! If your mother tells a lie, specifically about you, AND she wants you to go along with it -- REFUSE!! TELL THE TRUTH -- no matter who's around. I don't care if the room is packed with guests. Confront her, on the spot! If she's embarrassed and humiliated, THAT'S HER PROBLEM. She told the lie, and it's important for her to know that her lies HURT HER. Also, tell you that you love her. Look her in the eye when you tell her, and mean it. It's okay if you cry, that means it's true. She brought you into the world and raised you, and for that (no matter hot lousy of a job she may have done), you are forever grateful for giving you life. Show her that she raised a loving, loyal, honest human being. Inspire her to be honest.

It ain't you, honey and it ain't alzheimers and it ain't normal....

Best of luck...you're not alone. Leslee

Hi Madge,

I have never seen so many responses to a posting. Thanks for asking for help because as you can see there are many in your shoes. It is so sad because Mothers are not supposed to be that way and I think that is what hurts so much. My family's behavior has taught me the way not to behave. I want my kids to feel they can always depend on me to be their biggest fan!!!

As my daughter-in-law's mother(she had the same situation in her family)said to me just "change the cycle" and she sure has because my daughter-in-law is one of the sweetest most loving kids I know. We are blessed to have her.

Hi Madge, there is a site called :
daughtersofnarcissisticmothers
Maybe check it out. Those personality traits, add dementia, an amplified mess. So sorry for you. I hope you find the answer--it is unpredictable with personality disorders/mental illness. HUGS

krnhersch, it's called family dynamics. You are absolutely correct. In my family my Dad was verbally abusive and Mom allowed it. My brother was the chosen one because he is the "son". I was low man on totem pole. I have learned alot about how these dynamics never change, even at 58. It is up to me accept or reject the way they behave. I have started the process of distance and I am better already.

I can totally relate to u- the whole telling lies, believing anything
negitive about me, all my life i have had a attle with my mom-
a need for approval,stupid issues resulting from needs of love
on oth sides...jealousy,anger, misplaced strong emotions-
but one of the things I have learned, we teachpeople how
to treat us- eventhough we dont realize it at the time.
Im going to your wall- I hope u dont mind-

jhoward1, thank you for your input. It all sounds familiar. All of the people on this site have been so compassionate. It has made me realize how the answer for me is distance, both emotional and physical. I find it interesting how the siblings always seem to leave it all to one brother or sister. My brother controls all financial affairs of my mother, I have been left in the dark. But I know when the time comes for the dirty work, he will come calling. He even now wil not do anything around the house for her, she is 80. But she prefers him..... karma is a wonderful thing.

This topic really hit home for me. My mother, who now lives with me, told family members and friends that moving in with me was the worst mistake she ever made. My 2 siblings are unable (unwilling?) to care for her. Mom isolates herself from situations that she doesn't like and often stays in her room. She resorted to telling lies about my adult children and me. I don't feed her, SHE has to find something to eat for herself...I leave her alone all the time...I took all of her "stuff"...The list goes on. At one point, I expected Social Services to show up at my door. This behavior of hers is very hurtful to me. Sometimes I want to just scream.
Mom has nothing but praise for the siblings. This adds to my feelings of resentment, because I know how many times they have refused to help me when I ask. I've stopped asking for help from them. My sister says things like "I'll take her today but I am NOT going to cater to her! You'll have to drop her off and pick her up and yada, yada, yada".
I thank God everyday for my own daughter and granddaughters. They provide a day of respite for me, and despite what Mom says, they try to make it enjoyable for her.
I reached the point of trying to meet her needs, mental and physical, the best I can. If that's not good enough, oh well. Sounds awful, but that's the way it is. Since I've taken this attitude, she seems to have reached a turning point. She's a little more happy, I think. Maybe she sees that I have reached my breaking point.
I don't think I could do this without my daughter and this site, and a lot of prayers.
Oops..looks like I got a little carried away. Is there a difference in whining and venting ? LOL

My father has dementia- mom refused to care for him- refused to pay for help for him-and tried to have him not treated for an infection in the hospital - citing his living will. My father had memory loss but had good moments and walked talked and enjoyed some quality of life. IThe last hospital stay mother said if he was discharged and I brought him home she would commit suicide-my brother advised for his safety to place him in an assisted living home. At his funeral was the first time in years that she showed any emotion -sometimes it makes me wonder - was it something she really felt- was it remorse for leaving all his care to us or was it because the other family members were there.

I wonder how many grown children blame their upbringing and their parents for problems they have now? I think my two grown children function well in the world despite the unintentional mistakes my husband and I made as parents but I DO wish I had done some things differently. I don't know how my kids feel about the way they were raised but I have told them that I know that their dad and I made mistakes. I was surprised to learn that my mother felt she had no regrets about how she and my dad raised my two sisters and me (except for the fact that we didn't do any travelling as a family [and SHE was the one who always wanted to travel!]). Whether we travelled or not didn't make any difference to my sisters and me. We would have been happy to just have had more of the basics and to have lived in a house filled with love. My one sister, the youngest child,(and who never has been a mother) is still (almost 50 years later) hurt and angry about how she had to live as a child. My other sister, the "middle child", (and who has been a mother) fought for more of what she wanted as a child and never did feel that much hurt and anger. I, as the eldest child, felt I was facing the world by myself so tried to make everyone happy and kept everything inside until I went into a depression at the age of 50 and then had counselling. I was told to stay away from people who were toxic to me so I did keep some distance from some (if not physically, I did emotionally) and I grew tougher skin over the emotional scars. Now that my mother is in third stage Alzheimer's I am glad I was able to grow the tougher skin and didn't have to cut her out of my life. I have forgiven her for never being the mother I needed and when I am with her now, I just see a helpless little old woman that I want to help. I hope my children will do the same for me when I reach the stage my mother is at now. All I can do is live by example and hope for the best. I imagine within ten years I will be finding out! Before you cut a family member totally out of your life, speak to a counseller and try less drastic steps first. But for some people, cutting the tie may be the only road to survival. May you have few regrets, whatever you choose to do.

None of this is "normal" because these are ABNORMAL people. I know all too well of the narcissist that wants to "take you out wiht her". My mother has attempted to suck the life out of me for the last 15 yrs. since my father died.
She will NOT succeed!!!!!!!!

dogz, as a mother I understand how we love our children. That is what makes this so difficult. She has done things that are so odd, no loving mother could do this. She loves no one over herself. When my Dad had Parkinson's, he fell in the yard and couldn't get up. He cried out for help for a while before she heard him. She mocked him for lying in the yard and calling for help until I asked her to please never do that again. And he died a few months later. She was horrible to him. Now if that is normal...............

this is so interesting because so much of your story is like mine-
My mom and I have had difficulties since the begining.
She never took my side, when i was a kid,when there was any kind of fight or argument with another kid-
we had difficulty all along- when i left to go to collage i was 16, she told me as i was leaving- this was no longer my house, but i could visit,and she handed me my baby brush and a few other baby items.
she was mean to me and believed any and every thing that was negitive about me.
what ever i did, it wasnt good enough.
by the time i reached adultood- it was so stressful that I had to cut ties with her- my therapist and i discussed it- and that was the best thing i did- because any contact with her, was just so
damaging, it was better to just stay away. So I did .,for 10 yrs.
and we lived 10 blocks away from eachother- during that time I had turned 40-
10 years and not a word!!!it was very traumatic for me-
eventually , I had to accept the fact that she was never going to be the mom I wanted or needed, but I missed her so much, I wanted my mom.,even if it was under her terms. I worked very hard to have some kind of relationship. That was about 20 yrs ago.
The funny thing is ,now with my mon at 87, aphasia, and dementia,diabeties and other health problems, we have become closer than ever- we have had and still do have many talks, when she is relaxed and lucid- we have discussed a lot- she has apologized for much of what she
has done and has admitted things she always had denied in the past- and i love her more for that-
she even said how she never believed me- but she now sees that even though i was the odd one, i had so much sense- and that she will fight for me,that she is behind me, and that she loves me and that she is so sorry.
you never know why things happen when they are happening, but I have come to believe we go thru our difficulties to prepare us for the next step in our growth-our evolution-
i am the only one who feels what she is going thru, i am the only one fighting to help my mom, i am her only real advocate-my brother was given POA, his name is on her checking account-I have not been included in any of that-(He only sees her maybe 1 x a mont for a few hours, he lives about 4-5 hours away-he really spends very little time with her- )
I do know that I really know my mom, and i am fighting like crazy to help improve her quality of life during the years she has left- mu brother is an ass sometimes-
or very afraid-he spends very little time with her-
but so what- im a fighter and i have managed to make progress
as far as getting her weaned off of haldol and telling these aides and especially the agency just what they need to do because their handling of people is just unacceptable.
so , do what is in your heart, what ever u decide, it will the right thing for u to do-
sorry for such a long post- but it just flowed- i guess i needed to vent and share- i havent been able to talk about this for so long.
so a big hug to u
and gold bless
and post-keep posting it help[s-
karen

I had to cut ties completely - it remains a very hard emotional situation for me . I retain POA for now and cover her expenses and make sure she is taken care of - medical care groceries etc . but she was angry with me ( for the 1000 time) and was trying to make it seem that we were guilty of elderly neglect. If you call 20 years of being at her every beck and call and now living in a luxury gaited community abuse then guess I'm guilty.
I do not see her physically but I still make sure she goes without nothing. This site has helped - I have come to terms that she has and always had a personality disorder- however much it hurts me to know my mother used me -( fear obligation and guilt-) you have to accept however unfair - it is what it is and do the best you can.
Sad to say some familty members and church members have nothing to do with me because of my decision. But then it isn't them- they never lived with her - saw what she was behind closed doors- physically and mentally abusive.

As a mother , I would say that all mother's love their chldren. Therefore, your Mom loves you, and she neeeds you to be there for her in her final yeas of life.

Some mellow with age others become more entrenched throw in aging issues at they probably are simply increased in usage eh....

My mom has a personality disorder. I am going on vacation next week and she has been acting out for the last week. It's typical of her behavior. She's angry because I'm going to enjoy myself. She's done it all my life. It'll never change.

Someone said the personality disorder can mellow with age. I think just the opposite, it gets worse with age. Although old age creates a certain amount of fatigue so there isn't as much energy behind the outbursts.

It's a horrible situation. What a waste of life and good living.

Granted, you can't change any one. You can change yourself pick your battles. I have a family abuse history and years of therapy. There are tools for dealing with difficult people, books on it as well look up at library or self help sections in books stores. You need to distance yourself either emotionally or literally, or both. I have done both with various people at various times. the thing is to remember YOU deserve to be treated with respect and if you are not engaging in the abuse yourself or sending it back at em you have no reason to put up with the BS they dump on you. Remind yourself you are a good person, stay connected if you must for business and safety sake BUT REMIND YOURSELF THIS PERSON HAS A PROBLEM AND IT is not you. IT IS them.
If THIS IS A GENUINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, THOUGH SOME MELLOW WITH AGE, THEY ARE APT TO BE ENTRENCHED LIFE LONG COPING SKILLS THAT WILL CONTINUE TO CAUSE YOU PAIN AND ANNOYANCE AS THEY COME FROM PEOPLE YOU LOVE, WOULD LIKE TO LOVE, USED TO LOVE, WITH LOVED AND CARED FOR YOU, SHOULD HAVE LOVED AND CARED FOR YOU USED TO OR JUST DON'T.

Sorry hit cap lock, but it is important. When loved ones are as toxic to you as strangers who care nothing for you and do nothing but cause harm out of selfishness, disregard ignorance or it just being who they are it hurts and it effect every aspect of you life.

You need to put your needs first here or risk being either turned into one of them and taking it out on the world or being whittled down to a non-entity who doesn't believe you deserve any better and you DO.

Take care of yourself, make friends outside the family system, always remind yourself when talking to this person they are not going to improve , this is always the main spring of who they are with you and do not keep waiting for it to clear up or get better or go away.

Now when I have to deal with people in my family I remind myself they are still playing these games, have issues that are THERE PROBLEM NOT MINE! and I am not afraid of them anymore. I AM the authority on MY life, I choose what is of value to me and what They think of me, does not matter.

Too long a post? But a serious issue for anyone dealing with it,and many here are...Best Wishes....

Listen to your husband. My Mom blamed my Dad for everything too. This is another symtom of a personality disorder, nothing is ever "their" fault. Personality Disorders can run in families (yikes) and Mom is exactly like her father. Do some reading about personality disorders and it will probably answer alot of questions for you. Your Mom and Sister could have this problem and distancing yourself is the best and only thing you can do. Good luck

Hey Madge, Thanks for the reply, I know you asked for help and you have helped me. It took me a good year to not cry when I thought about the situation.
My mother and my sister blames everyone else for their problems and it seems they are never happy and certainly they do not want anyone else to be happy. My husband thinks I was really adopted because I am so different(even though I look just like my mom which is very scary looking in the mirror).

The one thing that helped the most is just realizing how freeing it felt not to have to deal with them anymore.

My brother recently died(homeless and on drugs) and I called mom because felt sorry for her. I have not spoken to her in 3 years. The first thing out of her mouth was blaming my dad(they have been divorced for 37 years and my dad had not seen my brother since the divorce, he was my dads stepson).
She never asked how I was and then she got another call and had to go!!! My husband made me promise not to call her ever again.

sonyam, narcissistic personalities do this. Both my parents were this way. Go figure. This is part of why my Mom is nasty to me. They were jealous of my educated, professional husband because they never spent a penny educating their two children and discourage us fom doing it for ourselves. My brother has been successful because he is a hard worker and nice guy but both of us know an education would have helped us both enormously. So we educated our children, 4 children, 3 to top 50 state universites and one to the Ivy League. Mom was very jealous of this and reminds me everyday "not everyone is meant to go to college"(this means me). Just more negative stuff.

I did and it was very hard but it would have been much more difficult to continue a relationship with my mom and my sister. They are very jealous and selfish people. The more successful my husband and I became(you would think they would be happy for us) the more rude and abusive they became. My mother badmouthed my husband (who is the sweetest man ever and treats me like a queen) and that was the last straw for me.

What is it about parents that are jealous of their kids and not happy for them.

It is very dysfunctional behavior and she is obviously not going to change. I would try to get along with her and not let it bother you or just stay away from her at all costs.

Sounds very familiar. Bottom line, you can't change ANYONE and have to look after your own choices; with a personality disorder -- narcissism w/paranoia is a believable description -- it's the same only more so, if that makes sense. It's good you have your husband to back you up. Choose to behave well but not like a martyr.... Each individual decision goes that way, and they add up, and you get stronger. Yes it's very hard, but it frees you in an important way because you are learning something very basic about your own decisions.

Thank you, I truly believe my mother to have a personality disorder. I live in another state and visit, now once or twice a year. I call her every week. She thinks I am terrible and should do alot more. Her 50% is to do nothing. She hasn't visited my home in 12 years. I live in Florida where all old ladies want to visit. She never calls me and talks about me behind by back. She fits the description of someone with a paranoid personality disorder and narcississm(spelling?). All the advice I have received about personality disorders are basically you can't change them and you have to have distance. I have now come to peace with the distance. My brother lives near her and keeps tabs on her. She is very papanoid about money, of course she has plenty. She has included my brother on checking accounts, POA, all financial business. I am to be kept in the dark. He is a good honest man and exasperated with her. I really appreciate your advice. My husband has said the same things. However, as you know, when emotions are involved and it is your Mother it is hard. Thanks again.

You don't have to cut ties to make more healthy space for yourself. Think of it this way: what sustains us is how we feel about our own behavior. Being cold doesn't tend to feel good, but neither does letting ourselves be used as a doormat. Here's what I've done with a toxic relationship, in case it's helpful to you: I'm always civil. I am always generous. I am civil and generous because I want to be that way, not because I expect it to make her treat me better. This is key, a hugely important shift in how you decide what to do -- you do it for you. I keep enough tabs on her situation to know if something really bad happens that she'd need my help for. I visit only once every few months and for no more than a few hours at a time. I call once in a while, and allow the conversation to go on as long as it remains pleasant. There are a couple of topics that I will not permit, and she knows that I will refuse to discuss them -- even to the point of giving her several, calm, warnings that I will hang up if she goes on, and hanging up in the end if I have to. None of this has to do with aging. It has to do with managing a difficult relationship.... As she ages my commitment is that I will see to it that she's got a roof over her head, food on the table, and her medical needs met. Anything else is a function of the quality of the relationship, and she's 50% responsible for that. My behaving decently no matter what, and keeping the interactions limited to limit how hurtful she can be to me, I'm taking care of what I'm responsible for, my 50%. I'm also contributing to the possibility that she can, if she chooses, take care of her side. The biggest favors you can do someone, and the biggest contributions you can make to a relationship, are (a) not let them hurt you and (b) not let them make you behave badly.... This is a life's work. Let it help you grow. All the best.