Is my mother being sexually harassed in her personnel care unit?

Are you saying that you think your mother was raped?

I would report your suspicions to the Ombudsman. I would specifically ask the care home ( and make sure the Ombudsman verifies) that the maintenance man has had a background check.

Barb Brooklyn. Thank you. I will report this to the Ombudsman and see if there was a background check on the maintenance man. Raped? manipulated? inappropriate behavior? grooming? Inappropriate behavior for sure. I thank God I did not surpress my concern as after speaking up and complaining to Administration and the maintenance man, Mother's fears and nightmares have stopped. She is more aware and alert since March 2016 when she had a sries of injuries and health problems. . . . There are other maintenance men and when my Mother needs maintenance, if my son can't fix something I will request that someone else is sent. In fact, I think I should talk to the supervisor of maintenance to make sure he is Noticed that we do not want this particular maintenance man to enter her apartment or speak to her from outside the apartment. Management has given me no assurances he has been warned to stay away.

I posted a few days ago a story of a nurse found guilty of sexual acts against a 69 yr old dementia and parkinson woman who could not speak. He was found with his mouth on her breast.

Your first question was "What is reasonable behavior of the Administration?"

I would think an immediate investigation would be the minimum. I would hope that they would attempt to identify the veracity of her complaint, identify other potential victims and install safety measures to ensure that a) this can't happen in their facility and b) they can prove it doesn't happen and thereby safeguard the employees from accusations. I am thinking that video cameras would be a good start.

Lu, I think you are burning out from being there all day every day. Burnout includes exhaustion, irritability and paranoia and panic attacks. You are showing all of that. Please see your MD as soon as possible. You are very close to being banned from the facility and possibly admitted for a psychiatric evaluation against your will.

Abuse sexusl and otherwise is always possible in a vulernable population. I think the idea of putting a hidden camera in mom's room is a good idea more to reassure you rather than catch someone in the act.
This guy may think he is being cute making suggestive remarks to old ladies. I say this because her fears and nightmare seem to have subsided. I say this because these things can be caused by dementia or as a side effect from many medications. I am not suggesting that your mother is imagining things or telling lies because the fears are very real to her. Does she perhaps call for maintenance frequently or often when there is really no need. That would account for what you percieved as having sexual intonations. You are right to be concerned for your mother but do not over react just watch and wait and see if there is any real evidence. If the facility is over wise good you don't want to make trouble or move her unessesarily because the next place may not have as good care.

The place does not have good care. Instead of sitting down with me and we discuss what is wrong to figure out a good solution, they barge ahead running over me like a steamroller and I have to watch my Mother being harmed and then nurse her back to health. They have not handled this and other matter correctly from @ Jan 2016 when she was having fainting spells, I trusted and relied on them, however both they and her PCP did not consider a blood screen that would have picked up malnourishment and anemia which I asked for since moving back home at her request. The bad acts started prior to Mother being forced out of her Independent Living Apartment into Health Care and then into Personal Care. As to the current issue, I have not accused the perpetrator of more than what I saw. What I saw was unacceptable. The first RN I went to was on the right track when she told me they would have his supervisor go to him and advise him of his inappropriate behavior, boundaries. I agreed. She never got back to me that this was done. Instead I saw him walk down to the Nurses station singing loudly so we would hear him in ridiculous love songs as he passed Mother's apartment. He made excuses to them I am sure. They didn't want the truth. He stopped by to give his excuses to me afterward which were lies. The end result however is good for now. Mother is free from fear, she is mentally more on the ball than she has been since last year at this time. She is happy and enjoying life. She liked the way I talked to her. She likes her friends who she sits with at meal times. They are great. They also have activities and entertainment, she goes for as long as she is comfortable. However, problems there for Mother pop up like the little hammer play table. When you hammer down one peg another pops up. The latest, they have failed to administer her eye drops for glaucoma as prescribed and she has had significant deterioration. The eye Dr. is afraid he would get sued by the facility if he wrote anything out that I should be able to be present at the time of eye drops. They were failing to give Mother eye drops as prescribed over an extended period of time. We have print outs of her glaucoma tests that show the progression of deterioration when the Health Care Center and now Personal Care has taken over her eye drops. Also, I have noticed mother's field of vision shrinking. (Mother's condition was stable during the time I was giving her eye drops in Independent Living) I have not told her about this yet. She is walking on air and she is getting compliments on how good she looks and that she is interacting more with others. We should have this investigated by the state. She needs to be told by me someway, somehow that the facility has dropped the ball, needs supervision, that she has had deterioration in her eyes. She is in denial of the physical and mental trauma for their lack of consistency and bad judgment. My brother said it started when I failed to make Mother available to them for their recommended "Care" program when she was in Independent Living. I wasn't the one who stopped their program. Mother didn't want it. She was too tired. The Occupational Therapist called the Dr. when she felt Mother wasn't cooperative. He recommended the program be stopped immediately. They took their wrath out on me. Then, I wanted to take Mother home. My brother and cousin were against my bringing Mother home. There are other facilities nearby that have better reputations. Former residents who we are in touch with are recommending we change. So is her attorney. It is going to be up to her. If the facility could reassure me of the care she was getting in administration of her eye drops, I could live with that if it is her decision to stay and also, the administration should apologize and want to start over fresh with me. I appreciate input.

My experience is that facilities will not investigate. Never trust any internal investigations they claim to be doing. Internal investigations are wrought with conflict of interest.

I have heard of many people who have used cameras in patient rooms. I would check with your state laws on that one since the laws vary on what is valid court evidence. and the laws change all the time. I remember when I worked in such a facility we were told to look our best on visitors' day, spruce things up, act nice. When visitors weren't around all sorts of things happened.

This is a sad, sad situation...The man should be fired. At the very least he should be forbidden from entering her room or even loitering at the doorway.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Why is a maintenance man working at night? Hallucinations are not cause to have a person's personnel flagged. If there is direct proof, and I suspect there cannot be because the person doing the reporting cannot remember, then if she is doing better, great! A lock can be put on her door with only staff having permission/key to enter at night, then left open during the day. There might be a fire code that prevents that though, so you will have to talk directly with the administrator of this facility and expressed your concerns. Tell the maintenance man you do not want him in your grandmother's room unless you are present. Maybe you could install a "nanny cam" in her room to prove if anything is happening. I am glad she is doing better. Merry Christmas!

In some states it is legal for you to place a camera, monitor in the room and video tape what occurs. You might want to check to see if your state allows this.
If I were in the Administration I would not allow an employee enter a residents room alone(while the resident is there).
Keep in mind that hallucinations and paranoia are both common with some forms of dementia so this can be a tricky thing to investigate as questioning a person with dementia is almost impossible. (and predators know this)
You could report your suspicions to the police. A rape kit could be done. (but it may be too late for that) But that may further traumatize your mother.

While it is possible that your parent is being harassed, I would be certain before I made any accusations against anyone. You could ruin someone's life and I'm sure that isn't your intention. A Nanny cam would be perfect! It could be your parents illness manifesting itself, or it really could be she's being harassed. Please, before you make any accusations, have proof!

Lots of good input here. That said, unless there is proof of something of this nature occurring, let me tell you a story of the kinds of hallucinations my mother has and talks about. She actually called and spoke with my husband one morning when I wasn't here to say that "the aide had come in to turn off her emergency (pendant) alarm because the baby was coming." My husband gently explained that there were no babies residing in her community and asked if she understood this. After his gentle coaxing, she admitted that of course that must be right but then why did the aide say this to her? We have come to the conclusion with most of these things that she was probably dreaming and in her advanced state of dementia cannot tell the difference readily between her sleep and waking from a dream state. Oh, and she ALWAYS says that someone must be coming into her room in the middle of the night and eating/stealing her candy (from the zippered bag that she keeps squired away) and which I replenish regularly (somehow she hasn't developed diabetes from this addiction). So, bottom line - you should do your due diligence to confirm that she is, indeed, hallucinating, or not, and take the appropriate action whatever that may be. Sending lots of hugs and good luck!

Sorry; typo in my post - meant to say "squirreled away" (re: the candy)

Flirting with the female residents and acting like their fantasy boyfriend is not abusive in my opinion, some residents may find it distasteful but others may actually be thrilled with the game. You mention your mother having hallucinations of a menacing man. I don't see any reason to assume her hallucinations were triggered by anything in reality, hallucinations are like dreams, symbolic and inexplicable, I think you are seeking a rational explanation for an irrational event. I wonder if there is a history of abuse in your/your mother's past that you see red flags? I'm glad she if feeling safer now!

I would do a nanny cam. Legal or not, that doesn't matter. It just means it may not be able to be used as evidence in a criminal or civil action. But at least you could monitor your mom's activities in the room, and see how each staff person interacts with her.

I was an Ombudsman Staff for over 17 years. I worked with the State when there were allegations of abuse to assess the resident for trauma and provide victim services for the resident to help them through the trauma. One sign we always looked for when working with the residents suffering from trauma was new behaviors. You said that your loved one was suffering from hallucinations and was having nightmares. Is this a new behavior? If so it would be a red flag. If she always suffered from hallucinations and nightmares then this would not be an indicator of abuse. I would definitely call the Elderly Abuse and Neglect Hotline and let them come in and do an independent investigation.
Listen very closely to everything you mom tells you. Residents even those with dementia will sometimes give you clues as to what happened. I had a resident tell me once that she was tired of being married. I knew this resident was a widow and lost her husband over 20 years ago, so I asked her what being married meant to her. She told me that she did not want the man to come and get in bed with her anymore she wanted a divorce. Upon investigation it was found that a male staff person told her they were married so he could have sex with her. So listen very closely to what she tells you and use probing questions when appropriate!

My mother also had hallucinations when she was in skilled care. Most of them involved men hiding in her closet and under her bed. She had an irrational fear of men and at one time slapped a resident female with short hair because she thought the resident was a man. However, at no time did I ever suspect that any of her accusations were credible. No one ever treated my mom with any disrespect. If they had, I would have talked with her nurse, social worker and ombudsman. I also would have included the Director of Nursing at the Home. You can also ask for a psychological evaluation by the psychiatrist on staff for her. If the facility she is at is so bad, why is she still there?

We have a hidden nannycam in Mom's apartment which we can view from home. In her case, the AL management team told me it was legal because that is her private home.

I was surprised to learn that many nursing homes don't give medications unless they are of the very expensive "skilled" variety with a nurse. My ex husband (82) is in a nursing home, but my daughter, who is an RN, gives him any medications he might need. They have also hired a 10 hr/day "sitter" to bathe and dress him.

When my Mom was in extended care there was an attendant there who flirted with my Mom in a good -natured kind of way. For example, he would sing "Jean, Jean" to her when he walked by her room and would hold her hand when he came in to see her. While I was there too I might add. From what I witnessed there wasn't anything lascivious about it. It was all in good fun and my Mom was amused by it. She also told me one night she woke up and there was a man standing over her bed but he was just checking her breathing. So, sometimes it's all up to interpretation.

I am not challenging your concerns, they are real and you are the only advocate for your mom at this point. I would sit down and discuss this matter with the supervisor since you are not sure if the original nurse spoke to her or put notes in your file. You can also request that the social worker be present at this meeting. Afterwards I would write a letter to the supervisor outlining your concerns addressed at the meeting and what steps she will be taking.
My mom was in a very good facility for a arm issue after a fall. Long story short, doctors were changed and she required surgery. Her wrist was shattered and put back together. We brought her back to nursing home. The surgeon advised she would be in a lot of pain and if 1 pill @ 4 hrs didn't work, give her 2. The night nurse in duty refused to give her another pill nor call a doctor. After a screaming match i told her to call an ambulance. Doctor magically arrived, gave more MEDS and I took her out of the facility the next morning. We choose to follow up and the supervisor said that families never put anything in writing. We did and the nurse was relieved of her duties. She should never have been taking care of the elderly in the first place. You are a good advocate for your mom, better safe then sorry, Merry Christmas

The first thing I would do in your case his first check the side affects of her medications. Then get her cleared just to make sure she doesn't have an underlying mental condition that would cause her to fabricate a story. A lie detector test is a sure way to tell whether or not someone is lying some people do fabricate stories. If she could pass a lie detector test then go on to investigate the person in question and also run a lie detector test on them. This is the best way to find out who's lying and who's not. If it turns out she really is being sexually harassed or even groomed, then further action can be taken or you can transfer her to another home.

The more I think about this the more I must say that it's very important to make sure the accusation is really true before anyone is accused because some people who have been falsely accused often end up being falsely imprisoned for decades and sometimes end up dying in prison over a crime they never committed. This is why you really need to be absolutely sure by initiating investigation and even making a police report if necessary because you really don't want to act now and be sorry later because you really don't want to see an innocent person falsely imprisoned if it happens to turn out that they really didn't do it. New evidence can appear later after someone's been in prison and some of that new evidence may reveal the real truth because in some cases the person was falsely imprisoned due to false accusation. Many lives are wasted this way, but definitely be absolutely sure by making sure a thorough and proper investigation is done because you don't want to see the life of an innocent person wasted. That's why I strongly suggested to investigate her first to see if her medication may be causing hallucinations as you mentioned. Then clear her of any possible underlying mental condition that will cause her to fabricate or hallucinate. Sometimes people certain types of mental illnesses will actually imagine what's not really true and something can be true only to them even if it's not really true because they imagined it. I saw such a story on the Steve Wilkos show recently

Sorry I had to cut off on my last reply, someone was diligently at the door and I had to yell at them to not show up unannounced and unexpected and I got short with them, so sorry for the short reply

I was actually trying to say that I saw a sad situation on the show where someone was falsely accused of a sexual crime, only to find out they really didn't do it and they were actually innocent but unfortunately if I recall right they were falsely imprisoned and I think the state should heavily reimburse them call for the lost time from their families and loved ones. Sometimes people with mental conditions will fabricate stories and cause trouble for innocent victims, so in this case you better prove it! Definitely have this investigated to see if this is really true or not because you don't want an innocent person being labeled and even mistreated

Confabulation can be so powerful that, according to Teepa Snow, people with dementia have passed lie detector tests while lying because they truly believe their story to be true.

Put in a nanny cam and see for yourself! Also hallucinations can be caused from some medicines.

GET YOUR MOTHER OUT OF THERE! NOW. The care unit is not a court of law and you do not have to "prove" that this man whom you suspect has done anything inappropriate. Whether or not he has a pattern of behaving like this or not, your SOLE responsibility and concern is for your mother's welfare. It is NOT your responsibility to assess whether he is abusive to your mother.
If you remove her from this place, and she continues to have nightmares and other manifestations of trauma, it may be a sign that the problem lies with her, or it may be that she is traumatized enough by anything that this man has done that she needs psychological help. In either case, it would then be appropriate to seek counseling.
I would like to say two things about abuse and harassment. First, that I myself have been a victim of sexual harassment, and I have learned quite a bit about it. IF you accuse this man, but leave your mother in that facility, the abuse may escalate. That is why you need to remove her. Even if you do not "say" anything, if you indicate in any way that you suspect him, the abuse may escalate.
And victims of sexual harassment are often not believed. This is a BIG part of the problem in general, and lack of support makes any abuse far worse. Your mother may not even realize he has abused her, or she may be too frightened to speak out, as the nightmares may be demonstrating. Again, you don't "owe" this man "the benefit of the doubt." If you think that it would be unfair to make any accusation about him, you can just remove her from the facility without saying anything about why you are doing so. Or you may indicate to the administrator that he should be watched and let her take it from there.
Secondly, I will share my own experience with caretakers. When my children were babies, I had to work and leave them in child care. One particular caretaker was not very clean or very pleasant to talk to, and I did not feel comfortable with her. Then, one day when I picked up my son, who was about 18 months old (too young to talk), I noticed that he glared at her with a lot of anger. I had never seen him do that with anyone, and so going on my gut feeling, I never took him back. THAT NIGHT, I found another caretaker.
So, what I am saying is simply, don't wait. Go with your gut feelings and know that your mother needs you to PROTECT her. Abuse of patients in facilities like rest homes and child care centers happens all the time. You don't have to go to the police, but you do have to make sure it doesn't happen to the woman who carried you for nine months.

cwillie, I'm not sure what planet you are from, but playing fantasy games with someone with dementia, is definitely abusive in my book. Even more so when coming from someone who is not a familiar to the elder. Please rethink your beliefs before engaging with anyone not capable of understanding that you are playing games. I'm sure the maintenance made had 'good' intentions, but is clearly out of line in visiting a resident alone late at night. Ironically most abusers see themselves as rescuers more so than they see their behavior as inappropriate or needy. Red flags here should be paid attention to. Fortunately for your mother, you are paying attention and can act accordingly. Keep us posted on how this is resolved. Blessings!!

I really like the idea someone mentioned about a nanny cam, this is a very good idea and another very good option to get to the bottom of things. I must also say sorry to the person whose child was mistreated by a nanny. He's very lucky to be able to glare angrily at the former nanny because some abusers won't let their victims look at them, mine didn't and always got onto me for looking at her. I was always made to look away and keep my back to her so she could attack me from behind.
Anyway, anytime you're investigating an accusation, use any and all options available to you, and make sure to catch everything if you use a nanny cam. Nanny cams seems to be the best way to get to the bottom of this in case your mom is moved and the behavior continues elsewhere because you just never know these days