I feel like mom is starving to death. I've made arrangements for a tube to be inserted. Am I doing the right thing?

I am TOTALLY in favor of Living Wills. I'm 66 and have had one for 9 years. You never know when it becomes appropriate. My. 90 year old mother also has one and I have no problem executing it. The BIG problem is old age is not a terminal condition, as much as many seniors would want it to be. I also learned recently that a living will does not mean that CPR would not be performed, at least in the state of Florida. That is a separate form that may only be filled out and signed by the attending physician. I mentioned that at the last visit, that if my mother stops breathing that I didn't want her tubed. I took care of too many patients in ICU that had been tubed by the EMTs and then it took months to get enough doctors to sign to have the ET tube removed and to let them go in peace. It was much easier to not tube them in the first place than have it removed. He said that they have changed things. If the paramedics intubate her, when she got to the hospital, he would have her admitted to hospice within the hospital, they would sedate her for comfort and extubate her and she could die in peace. Also, if you have a living will, be sure your doctor has a copy, if you go to the hospital for anything, give the hospital a copy, and finally have a copy in the house (or nursing home) where you live. I had too many patients that had a living will that we couldn't honor because it was with their attorney, or in a safe deposit box. Safe places, yes. Usable places, no.

Well part of your question you put in important information. Your mother states she doesn't want to die. A PEG is an invasive device and very prone to infections and skin excoriating all by itself. If she was on antibiotics for that long, I would wonder how strong her immune system is. In other words would she be more prone to infection with a PEG? On the other hand, if she isn't terminal and expresses the will to live then food and fluid have to be addressed. I've told my mother that all "living" things need to eat and drink, even plants. If animals need food they will kill for it and seek out water from even puddles.". If I can remember, some antibiotics interfere with taste. Hopefully her sense of taste will come back. I honestly don't remember, but I'm sure you could Google it, the places on the tongue that taste different things. There is one place that tastes sweet, another for sour, etc. Try to find a variety of foods that have only one taste. Like sugar is only sweet. Take these with your knowledge of where she should taste them and put a small amount on her tongue where she should sense it. If she can't sense sweet, then giving her sweet foods are useless. She wouldn't be able to taste them. If she could sense sour, however, then a tart lemonade might be a good fluid. I hope that any of this helps. Finally, my 90 year old mother could ambulate without a cane, and got around pretty well. She fell and broke her shoulder. After 2 1/2 days in the hospital, she was no longer available to walk without major help. It took the assistance of my neighbor to get her in the house. Back to the hospital for 3 days, 10 days in rehab, and 2 weeks in a SNF. She fell Nov.8, 2017. She can now ambulate with a quad cane, when we go to the store I usually hold on to her for safety until we reach a scooter cart. My point is, most seniors can come back. It just takes more time, work, and persistence.

If you feel a feeding tube would help her, I would go for it. However, I'm not sure if this is true in all cases, but the dying process involves consuming far less than you used to because the body no longer needs energy from food and other nourishment that it used to. It's been said each case is different so I don't know if every case is like this. There have been some cases where people just go on about their normal lives and eat and drink as they normally do and then one day just go. Such was the case with my doctor when he went home and died in his chair and was found by his wife. Of course I had to find a new doctor and so did a whole bunch of other people. Each case is different so be careful and get her carefully evaluated before inserting the feeding tube to make sure she's not in the dying process. If she's not, then go for the feeding tube if it'll help

As a healthcare professional , in my opinion, a Peg tube would be the last resort and for me, no thank you. It is generally not a short term fix but in most cases there for life. I would do anything possible for nutrition before I would do that. C-diff is a daunting condition and can result in lowered appetite and usually weight loss. This should pass in time. Your mom does not sound like she has stopped eating out of a will to die. Monitor her weight loss and try any alternative. Change eating locations, play quiet music, have someone eating with her while encouraging her. If you can hold off the peg tube insertion I would take that route and consult someone who can help you make another choice. Is it possible that your mom's PC would recommend her for a short-term rehab stay where she would get the assistance she needs to get back on track. Best of Luck. Most of all remember that this is your mom's life and don't let personal emotions take over.

Is it possible she is trying to end her life? Doesn't she have this right? It is the only way the elderly have to shorten their days of horrible misery.

This is something that you have to decide for your self. My mother passed in 1990. She had Alz which started in 1975. She stopped eating in 1985. My sister was her court appointed caretaker. She had a feeding tube inserted and it kept her existing until 1991. She did not know any one before the tube was put in place. I seen my mother exist for six years and die in a fetal position. The choice is yoyrs to make. My wife has Alz. & we agreed while she still knew what was going on. We will not have a feeding tube inserted and make her suffer just so we can say we did every thing we could do. Will be praying for you.

I just noticed this is a very old post but here's what I would say if your mom was still alive: 

Absolutely! You have my support to go for the feeding tube! Being an abuse survivor and having been forced into starvation, I know what starvation does, how it feels and what it does to the human body. This is why I seriously frown on Oregon for removing certain protections for mentally ill people as I saw online. This is just one example i'm trying to point out because starvation is not the answer and it doesn't solve any problems

In your particular case, definitely don't give her too much at once and make sure she's properly propped up or sitting up straight when you administer the nutritious liquid. Give her only small amounts at a time 

THREE YEARS OLD.

Be very aware of the associated risks in placing a feeding tube, one of which is aspiration pneumonia. In our effort to keep our loved ones with us for a little longer, we sometimes choose remedies which can do more harm than good.

Thank you Angelscare!!!

Hi Rebecca J...thank you for the hug !!!! My Mom was doing the exact same thing....I was given a suggestion by a friend in the medical field his whole life....Food doesn't taste good to them...he told me to give her a small amount of red wine before meals....it wakes up the taste buds. I tried it...and it did work...SOMETIMES.....not all the time. I figured sometimes...was better then nothing. You might want to try it.

Hi MOMHOUSEME

This isn't really a shortcake receipe....it's for cobbler...(sub peaches...apples...etc) but I make this and when I serve it.(make up each serving individually in a bowl)....I I add a scope of ice cream on top...some fresh strawberries that I precut....in a container with suger & water and let set overnight in the refrig.....and COVER with whipped cream!!!! The good thing is I can serve just the cobbler with coffer or tea.....none goes to waste. Some times I just purchase the little "cake cups" which they keep in the fruit dept next to the strawberries...or I keep Sara Lee individually wrapped pound cake slices in the freezer....so when I say "homemade"....I mean I make it up as I go!!!!

Angelscare, my husband passed away on July 21, this year. I read your post and I'm going through the exact same thing as you right now. Just today I had another spell of tears just coming and I could not stop; it is so quiet and still without him, checking to see if it was time for meds, checking to see if he was sleeping or trying to get up etc. You will have those days, and we never know when it will come again. Be strong, be thankful for the precious time you had, and be reassured that you did everything you could possibly do to make her last days the best they could be. Thank you for sharing your feelings - it has helped me today. Love, blessings and prayers.

So sorry for your loss. You did so well for your mom! By the way, I would love your home made strawberry short cut receipe (for my mom). I will make it for her asap.

UPDATE.....It's been a little over a month since Mom passed (July 23, 2013)...

The last two months of my Mom's life....I spent all of my time caring for her.....I was so busy doing it....I knew she was very close to the end of her life...But I don't think I realized that she was actually going to be "gone". .After she passed....I slowed down...and that's when it hit me...she wasn't here with me anymore. For weeks afterwards...I'd be doing something...look at the clock...and think..."It's time to give Mom her meds"...or...it's time to feed Mom"...or.."I better go check and see if Mom needs to be changed."....and then I'd remember that she wasn't here...I didn't know how much I was going to miss her. I joined a Grief Share Group....and last Tuesday 08/27...we had a candlelight service....I hadn't known how much I had been holding inside....I cried...for the first time since Mom passed....it all came out....I was sobbing. I'm still crying now whenever I think about her....but I'm getting through this. My client that lives in my home has been in rehab for the past two months....so I've had a lot of alone time to reflect back on everything. I truly don't have any regrets over any of the decisions I made concerning my Mom...I know I did the right things....but it was just her time. She never suffered...she looked beautiful through it all....and she went very peacefully with me holding her. I am at peace with myself. My client will be released this Sunday from rehab...and back home with me. I spoke with her daughter this evening.....she told me her Mom asked her to tell me that she wanted a salad....shrimp scampi with rice....and my homemade strawberry shortcake for supper Sunday....she hasn't had any of that since she's been in rehab and she misses it !!!! Of course... I'll make it all for her....I love to spoil all the people.... whose families entrust their loved ones... into my home and my care.....Again....Thank You...to everyone who took the time to write to me....sharing their experiences...and encouragement...and their condolences.... It meant a lot to me....knowing that people who didn't even know my Mom or me...cared. God Bless all of you....Florence...Angelscare.

Angelscare, I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are heartbroken. Take care and you did the right things, all of them!

My sincere condolences, Angelscare. You did everything you could to keep her comfortable, including the peg tube, and you were with her when she passed. That alone can be of comfort to you and there is no "looking back". My husband died on July 21, 2013, 3 of our children and myself were with him as he left this earthly home and headed to his heavenly home. That gives me such comfort and peace, as your being with your Mom should as well. God bless you for taking care of her the best way you could. With your heart and all the technology available to you. Love, blessings and prayers. xxxooo

Angelscare...my condolences for your loss. The fact that you feel you did everything you could have possibly done for her (by having the peg tube implemented) has to calm you. The alternative...wondering if you "should have" and if your mom "would have"...can be maddening. Been there!

Thanks for keeping us informed. Peace...

So sorry for your loss, but glad you did what you did and bought a little more time that you and your mum enjoyed together. I think we have to follow our instincts. ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

UPDATE...I did have the feeding tube inserted on May 20th...and while she was in the hospital they inserted a new pacemaker. Apparently the old one was bad. Mom only stayed in the hospital overnight. After she came home...she was a different person...I fed her through the peg tube...and she ate three meals a day. The doctor couldn't believe the change in her!!!! This lasted for three weeks...and she started to decline again...and eventually stopped eating again. For the next month she became bed bound....eating nothing. She became impacted and I had to remove it digitally. I cooked all her favorite foods...lamb chops...smelts...pot cheese and noodles...etc...she would take one bite and leave the rest. I made sure she didn't become dehydrated...and I continued to feed her through the peg tube. Everyday I put her favorite music on for her to listen to...her favorite movies to watch...I watched Wuthering Heights and Maytime about ten times each in two weeks!!!! We watched home videos of her and my dad...her Birthday party I gave her in January and I took photos of her and videos everyday. I had potted Gardenia bushes...her favorite flower...outside the glass slinging doors of her room for her to see and every day I would cut a flower and put it on her hospital table next to her bed. On the morning of July 23rd...I went into her room....and I knew something was wrong....she was trying to sit up. She said "help me". I knew immediately the time had come. I cleared the mucus from her mouth...told her to lie down and relax...I was with her and I wouldn't leave. I was holding her...I told her I loved her...and she said I love you too. Those were the last words she ever spoke...she passed immediately after she said them. She passed

I feel I did everything I possibly could for her...I'm glad I decided to put the peg tube in...because I'll never have to wonder if she would have lived longer if I had or feel guilty thinking she passed be caused I didn't. I know the answer. Thanks to everyone who responded to me...and I hope my story can help someone else.

sorry for my spelling MESS. My Life is not a Spelling Bee.

Okay one for wine , one for POT. I would have never thought of this and my Husband and father both were and are Doctors. I know I would never do feeding tube though . I would not want it myself so why would I put loved one through it. The woman 87 , I think I read . Let her life or die in Peace. I would try the wine and differently the pot. In C.A. you can have it mixed into ice cream.

Medical marijuana is the best way to stimulate the appetite. I do not recommend smoking it, but rather ingesting it via cookies. It's also a fantastic pain reliever that works better than pharmaceuticals with no side effects.

read about the feeding tube on alzltimers.org i refused the feeding tube on my mother,she was 87 years old.

We used to have a Dr here that if someone
Spite was not good, or care about
Eating, he would prescribe a shot of
Wine for dinner and supper.
get one that tastes good, not a dry
One. The theory is that it cleans
The pallet. Several of the bigger
Hosp used it as a regular....it has
Fallen out of favor over the years
But still available....I have seen it
Work. A few months back a friend
Broke their hip, and in this nursing
Facility came they with a wine
Dispenser with cute little disposable
Cups.....oh by the way, they are associated
With Boston mass general, and their
Ger specialist, who are with "a leading
Medical" thinks the wine is ok.

Try medical marijuana ( if it's legal in your state ) it brings the appetite back and allows them to eat as well as controls pain. It can be obtained in liquid form or edible form ( cookies ) You'll have to seek out a medical marijuana doctor to get a prescription for it. It works and has no side effects.

For everyone who might be experiencing a loss of appetite in the elder they care for...just a thought, not a suggestion...medical marijuana, where legal and obtainable safely, is nature's best appetite stimulate. It doesn't have to be smoked...or taken in large quantities....a small bit can be eaten and can do wonders.

Check with your state laws and then check with a physician.

I am so grateful my mom has already laid out her wishes on these types of matters...she did that long ago, before she even started thinking about wills and POA's and such...it was like 3 years after my dad had died after a slow and wasting death.

Sometimes no longer eating is a person's only control over their own existence and since every creature on this planet literally eats to live and lives to eat...it is a consideration that often this is a clue they are ready to go.

Then there is the flip side as we see here...Angelcare's mom might very well be able to get the PEG properly removed (ie by a doctor and not a confused mind's directive to an obedient aging hand) and go on for many years eating on her own.

PEG tubes aren't meant to be long-term solutions but they can easily turn into that. And then you have to petition the courts (perhaps) to remove it because it has become 'life support.'

It is a case-by-case decision and unique just as everything else that is 'individual' is. That's why living wills are so important. Eliminating indecision, worry, and hopefully guilt and regret.

Good luck Angelscare...both with your mom's care and your relationship (and hers) with your sisters.

Be very careful about allowing your sisters with your mom without you there. If 2 sisters believe the stealing sister, then that's 3 against 1. They will persuade your mom that she is better off with them than with you. They can then persuade mom to change the POA to them. They can still have POA and you get stuck with caregiving mom because you know in reality that mom would be taken better care of with you than with them. Just because they have POA does NOT obligate them to cover the 20% of her cost. Most likely it would still come out of your pocket. And if you piss them so much, they can take mom away from you and forbid you visitation rights.

I know that you're strapped for cash. But the best way to guaranty that you have permanent control over mom is ..Guardianship via the court. Your mom's doctor will need to fill out a certificate about your mom's dementia and is no longer able to care for herself. You need to hire a lawyer and go thru the court. By doing this, your siblings cannot change guardianship. Just a thought since I've seen over and over on this site how one sibling was able to get a New POA over the hardworking, caring sibling/caregiver. It would be worth it to get the guardianship if you can.

I think to emphatically be opposed to feeding tubes...across the board...without considering the circumstances of each individual case is inconsiderate, crude, selfish and misguided.

I think too often today people only associate feeding tubes with living wills or directives and therefore think the issue of feeding tubes is an "end of life" decision...or if put in place, a useless "prolonging of life". Before feeding tubes got linked with the living will/directive world, they were developed and used as a treatment. Tubes can and are often recommended and used today not to extend ones life longer than need be, but to possibly help the person get over a mallady that the patient may very well not have control over. (such as dementia related issues) If given nourishment via a tube they may build their strength and progress to a normal life, quite possibly help them recover from the medical issue and return to what their life was previously.

Since so many people can not separate feeding tubes from living wills & end-of-life directives lets look at the premise at which those documents begin. 'You have been told by a medical professional that there is no hope for recovery/cure from an injury or illness'. IMO...if a doctor or doctors have said there's no hope, and/or if the patient has poor quality of living (a chore/struggle to live each day), and/or the patient says they want to go...then I don't think a feeding tube should be put in place. That would be prolonging life. But, if those things are not part of the circumstances, I don't think a feeding tube should be eliminated from consideration. Especially if recommended as treatment to help someone recover from an illness or injury.

Angelscare, who raised this topic and asked the initial question about feeding tubes...has not stated that her mother wants to die. Nor has she said that her mother is at death's door due to any illness. Her mother's biggest issue is lack of nourishment, which can be fatal if it goes on too long. While I was concerned about the risk of the actual procedure...I'm sure she and the doctors discussed it and must not have been overly concerned about her making it thru the procedure, or I think Angelscare would have mentioned that concern. She didn't. And as Angelscare's latest post explains, her mother's feeding tube was inserted this past Monday. The mother got through the procedure fine and is handling it fine...matter of act...sounds as though the mother is doing great: "...already she is totally alert...laughing....talking on the phone....and even asking for food....(she ate an orange....a pancake....and some M&M's and a cookie throughout the day!!!)." Now that the mother is eating she will hopefully build-up her strength and be able to stand and sit again and lead a routine and normal life...continue living happily it sounds...for who knows how long. The mother didn't know why her appetite waned. Sometimes she thought she had eaten...when actually she had not. Symptoms of dementia. Now with this help from her daughter and receiving nourishment, let nature takes its course. And let Angelscare have some peace of mind.

Good for you Angelscare!. I KNOW you did the right thing. You gave your mother a chance, instead of letting her wither away. You provided help and guidance for your mother when, due to her dementia, needed someone to take the lead and help her. I wish you and your mother many happy and fulfilling days ahead!

FYI...my mother, with early dementia and no catastrophic, life threatening illnesses, died two years ago. She, as with your mother, started eating less and less and then practically nothing. The food didn't taste good...she wasn't hungry...or she thought she had already eaten. This went on for several weeks. During her final two weeks, when she might have eaten a couple teaspoons of food a day,,she lost 20 pounds. Two days before she died, she was talking to me about having a big family dinner for Easter. Asking If I would help. She wasn't planning on dying. She was planning events with her grandchildren. Looking forward to spring's arrival. She didn't want to die. She had always been a strong woman. As long as I had been her daughter, rarely had I seen her ill, even with a cold or a headache. Nothing would keep her down. A fighter, who had gotten physically weak from a lack of nourishment, but her mind was still quite sharp. The last 24 hours of her life started as restless, then turned painful as her organs started shutting down. For comfort, Morphine was given, which knocked her out. And then...everything stopped.

Her death certificate said she died of "complications associated with dementia". She starved to death!!! That sounds so cold and heartless...evidently too crude to put on the death certificate...but it's reality. Three months later I found out that a feeding tube had been recommended by doctors but, unbeknownst to me, it had been denied by two members of my family who are emphatically opposed to the use of feeding tubes...period. I truly believe my mother did not have to die when she did. It was much more important for these selfish people to have their beliefs and misunderstandings honored than to help my mother with something she couldn't do for herself. If the roles were reversed...she would've moved mountains to help them in their time of need.

Feeding tubes are not the answer in some cases.Feeding tubes can be of assistance in some cases. IMO they are an option that should be weighed and considered for the circumstances...and not blindly and stubbornly eliminated from consideration.