Mom passed away yesterday. How do we handle things collectively without discourse?

Get yourself down to the court house and take whomever you want to solve this problem with and become executor of the estate. Most likely it will fall into the hands of the group of remaining siblings and the ones that don't want to be involved will have to sign a document that says they want to be excluded.
The real property actually falls into the next of kin area, and that would be all the siblings. Said brother can buy the rest of you out if he wants the house.
I had a similar situation. The things in the house are going to be pilfered and plundered most likely. That part really sucks, if he has locked the home, the only thing that is really keeping you out is not having a good set of bolt cutters.
Don't get into a knock down drag out with what remains of the family. It will end most likely with either someone going to jail, or an restraining order from one to the others.

It's been a while since your initial post. I'm wondering where you are with him occupying the property. I hope things have worked out.

You think you know your family until massive challenges come up. Like a lot of commenters here, I suffered the entire time I was taking care of my father's medical issues and, by default, the **** house and yard. Now, we are planning the funeral and I shouldn't say "we" because they asked me to take care of the flowers, the mass readings, and the music. And I am doing it. Then we have the nightmare of probate and selling the house. Probate will most likely take a little less than a year to wrap up and in this market the house will sell quickly.

I have learned a lesson about myself. I throw myself into taking care of things and then hope for recognition. I am going to try to stop doing this.

I may have missed another response from you so I apologize if this question has been answered, but why does your brother think that he is entitled to your moms home? Was he her caregiver for years? Did you and your other brother assist with moms house and/or care? Just trying to figure out why he doesn't think you and your other brother would be involved with the dispensing of moms estate.

Lawyers are expensive, but if you think that your third of moms estate is a large amount, it may be worth it.

Have you and your other brother approached this brother to ask what he thinks he is doing? Tell him that if he doesn't have this conversation with you, the next conversation you have will be with a lawyer.

It’s truly disturbing to read some of these posts. Some suggestions are not appropriate or fiscally sound. Hiring lawyers to fight over a bunch of stuff? Note that the legal fees could cost more than the items are worth. If your lawyer works on a contingency basis — it isn’t free, but rather, usually costs even more—, unless you completely lose, you eventually will pay all those legal fees and legal costs (the lawyer may even wind up with more than you). Does anyone recall the tale of the calico cat and the gingham dog? (They both lost). The stress of pursuing a case may also damage your health.

If it’s particular possessions you want to inherit, let your parents know during their lifetime so they can either give it to you or plan their estate accordingly. If you don’t (or didn’t) let them know, then it must not have been that important to you in the first place. It wasn’t meant to be. If they don’t give you some specific thing, respect their wishes.

If you don’t want to bring it up during their lifetime because you are afraid you might sound grabby or predatory, you are probably right. People’s feelings are (or at least should be) more important than things and money.

if someone else in your family takes the brass lion that you wanted, enjoy the journey of finding one at your local antique mart. When it’s all said and done, you are an adult and you have been living your grown up life without that lace doily. You don’t really need it. If your sister “steals” the stamp collection, did you really want it on your coffee table anyway?

If you respond, “… but, it’s the ‘principle’,” —stop yourself— by definition, haven’t you really lost sight of all principles when you fight over “stuff?”

If it’s your parents’ money you want, work for it and earn it yourself instead. Get another job in the time you spend lamenting about money on this forum. The greatest gift our parents have given us is to teach us to work hard and be self sufficient. Your sibling can’t steal your own potential. When we earn it for ourself we also gain self respect.

At the end of the day the knick knacks and money we inherit are all left behind when we depart too. What a silly waste to spend our short time on earth focused on a bunch of discarded junk instead of having fun, enjoying life and being kind to others.

SadlyYours: I am so sorry for your loss of your mother and send you deepest condolences. You state further down this thread that your brother has not moved in yet. Nevertheless, perhaps you should retain an elder law attorney.

Sounds like you may need an estate lawyer.

Do you have other siblings who may pitch in.

Reading your post leaves so many questions.

Get a lawyer immediately.

Good luck.

That is unfortunate. My parents, and particularly my mother worked things out ahead of time. She made lists of all she had and divided the items up based on our interests, sizes of our homes, and each of us got some duds. She kept asking me if I wanted her dining room table and sideboard. I already had a nice dining room table and didn’t want hers nor the sideboard. I ended up with the sideboard anyway. I told the sister who got the dining room table I was selling the sideboard as my house was way too small to accommodate it. She could have it if she wanted it or it would go like an old horse to the knackers yard. She kept telling me she didn’t want it but she took it. I asked why it bothered her if I sold it? I think she just wanted to keep it in the family.

The problem is lack of communication and dislike of one another. Everyone should have known that death was eminent. The brother can’t just change the locks. You have to check in whose name the property is. If it is in your deceased parent’s name, the house has to go probate. If the house is in trust, the paperwork should be made available.

You need to get an arroyo help you.

I’m sorry for your loss. Since you are already worried about how things will proceed, I urge you to seek legal advice immediately. Estate law can be complicated and will vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, so you want advice from someone who practices where your Mom’s residence is.

I’m sorry for your loss. Since you are already worried about how things will proceed, I urge you to seek legal advice immediately. Estate law can be complicated and will vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, so you want advice from someone who practices where your Mom’s residence is.

You need to determine if your brother has power of attorney for financial decisions for your mother. If no will exists, that does not mean you have no legal recourse. It would be best to consult an attorney (or your mother's attorney if she had one--sounds doubtful if you do not know of a will). Who was most involved in your mother's care, if anyone? If you cannot afford to pay for a lawyer yourself, there should still be some resources available to you. Locally, my county bar association provides free legal services to low income clients. It seems it would be unwise to get into a battle with your brother without knowing what legal standing you have, if any.

What makes him think he has the right to do that. It’s awful at the behavior of siblings. I really had no issues with my sister after my Mom passed but she was terrible through giving cate. I am so sorry for you

Also document things that are going on. I had ao much stuff happening, it was hard to keep it straight. It's good to do that.
Ex: my brother said he had the will on such * such date. No I couldn't look at it.
Im sorry I keep hijacking your thread. I apologize. I've just had so much happen to me bc of my sibling.
I also advise checking out the unclaimed property in your state in your mom's name. I found out my parents had a few thousand there. My sibling got that, and I never saw anything. But at least you can say these accts were there, I have the paperwork. Get a date on the print out if you can.

Her lawyer may have the will in his office. My lawyer said he keeps his clients' in a safe. So check there if you have a name.good luck.

You don't offer any insights as to why your brother is behaving this way; is he angry with you for any reason? Have you asked to see her will? I believe you can go to a county office (not sure which one- Registrar of Wills?, Probate?)) to see if a will had been filed with them. Did you offer to help clean up and clean out? Did you have a list of which items you are interested in (including family pictures).

An estate planning attorney may give you more insight into this situation, especially if mom died intestate. If brother is supposed to be splitting everything equally, then some sort of "cease and desist" order may be needed to start the process equitably. If you keep just to facts, according to the laws in her state, then you should be able to complete the task without animosity.

We had a "big brother" issue who assumed he was in charge of everything: we had to get an attorney to send him a letter that described the intestate laws..........he changed his behavior right away.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.

If your mom had no will and did not say who would get the home (in writing) your brother would have to Probate to change the deed, if would want to sell.

Also, if mom had any outstanding debts, creditors have a certain time to file to be paid, which would hold up things until they are satisifed.

Id get a hidden cam/s, and put it on the property. That way you know what is going on. Tell no one.
And you might want to get a title lock so no one can steal the title to the house and put it in their name.

Why would no one know where the will is? Who was her poa? That should have been found months ago. It might be in a po box.
Sometimes the person doing the caretaking decides they should be entitled to everything bc they sacrificed. Wrong. Doesn't work that way.
Is your brother poa? He might have thought changing the locks was a way to secure the assets. If he is executor then he is technically doing the right thing. Your supposed to secure assets 1st thing. Might not be doing anything wrong there.
Even if he moves in day 3 after the funeral; if it is not in the will, he has no rights to do that. And he must buy you out, or sell the house. And Id make him pay rent if he lives there. He's not getting a free property. There are laws.

Make sure you get her accounts locked down first thing and don't forget the pension if she had one. Or any other benefits. Notify them. They will also not tell you what money is in the account. I think they legally have to stay quiet about that. My sibling did not tell the banks my dad passed, and I found out he was still getting a pension for several yrs!!! I called and told them to close it. They were in shock as much as I was.

And I probably got someone fired at the bank, bc it is a person's actual job there, to scour national newspapers to find death notices, and lock down accounts. I found that out from my lawyer. And when I went to the bank with the proper paper work to reopen the account, the bank manager was ticked off. She and another associate were making several phone calls because the account had been open all that time.

So even with a lawyer you will still have to do a lot of detective work. They don't know anything, but what you tell them. So there is a lot you might have to dig and find out, and be a detective. Your gut instinct is never wrong. I should have listened to mine.

If there is no will, you have to go to court and claim there is none. Id get there first with your lawyer. It looks better. The court decides who will be Administrator. The word Executor means there is a will. The word Administrator signals to the court/lawyers there was no will. I kept saying I was executor, and my lawyer corrected me, and said I must use that word, not executor.
AND if there is a will and he is executor, you are entitled to answers. Not just silence while he (may, we dont know) pilfer the property. That is why you need a lawyer. He can't hide things then. I am still regretting not getting a lawyer sooner, bc I felt like I was destroying the family. No I wasn't my sibling did that. I found out my sibling not only resented me, but hates me. That had been simmering for decades. She wanted to make sure I got absolutely nothing. So getting a lawyer was the best thing I did. I destroyed nothing. There was no family there to destroy. It was gone with the death of the parent. But now at least I am getting something, rather than nothing, and I also get answers. I could not get them before. I am over feeling guilty. Do not feel guilty. You must stand up for yourself. If you know shady things are going on, your brother declared war on you, not by you. G.luck

In the interim, Id also make a list of items that may not be included in the will. I always thought wills were like on tv. They listed, a diamond engagement ring, the couch, tea set etc. No they don't. They might just say my children get 50/50 of my assets and nothing more. So if someone stole the china and tea set, what asset was that? It's not listed in the will. Prove it was ever there. Good luck if its stolen. Investment portfolios or bank accounts are not listed either. Not in my case.
Get a list together while it is fresh in your head. It will give the lawyer some leverage. They will have to come to court and bring tho

If you are your best self, you will have the family that you want to have when this is over.

I’m terribly sorry for your loss.

if your brother is executor, it is his legal fiduciary duty to safeguard the property of the estate. That includes changing the locks (it does not include moving in forever—but for some estates, cleaning, distributing, discarding and selling the property can take a long time).

I stayed in my parents’ house while completing this task and doing so is not only allowable and appropriate, nothing else would have been manageable, since my parents did not live in my area. It was a very difficult job. Often I would work from the crack of dawn until being overcome with exhaustion. The unraveling of my parents’ lives was overwhelming, back breaking and emotional. I was not working in a job at the time, but if I had been, this task would have been even more destructive to me and my family. Even packing up an efficiency apartment can be a physically challenging and tearful task.

My parents chose me for this job, so I fulfilled their request. If, however, someone else would have been chosen, I would have gladly stepped aside (or stepped in to help where needed, if requested). I really wish they would have chosen someone else! (Count your blessings if you are not in charge of this seemingly never-ending and emotionally excruciating job).

Go and help. It is a huge job. Helping may make you feel closer to your surviving family members. (If you are not willing or able to help…. don’t complain about those who are actually doing the work).

No amount of items and/or money, are worth destroying a family. Even if you have no relationship (or no interest in continuing a relationship) with this brother, initiating legal proceedings or aligning family against him will also destroy you.

Whether it is the blue bowl on the dining room table, or the dining room table itself that you want, let the executor know of your request. Remain flexible and understand that you may not be able to get everything you desire.

When I asked people what they wanted, I heard crickets. I was frustrated because I needed this information to proceed. Later they began to fight over things. How aggravating! In accordance with the laws of my parents’ residential state, any disputes over a physical item were resolvable with a toss of the coin. Fortunately, these family members were able to compromise over the “stuff” and we never had to resort to tossing the coin.

If it’s material objects you seek, you can find endless memorabilia on eBay. Even if those plates aren’t specifically your grandmother’s very own plates, but merely the same china pattern, such a substitute may fill a hole in your heart.

Nothing can replace your parents. Honor them. As a parent myself, I’m guessing your parents wouldn’t want their kids squabbling over minutiae.

After all, money and things should never be more important than people.

Usually with death the true color of people come out. That is why I severed all contact with any family that may be left. I do not want to be associated with people with those personality traits. I would let your brother do his thing and ask you be invited to any funeral. If not take him to court and make him regret every moment.

POA ends when someone dies. I'm sorry to hear that your brother is being uncooperative. I've heard so many stories of uncooperative siblings. The prospects of an inheritance seems to bring out the worst in people. Did she have an attorney and do you know who that is? If so, you can ask the attorney if there was a will. Is your brother the executor of her will? You can ask to see a copy of her will. If he will not be cooperative, then you would have to get an attorney for yourself. Is it worth it? You can mention your wishes to your brother, and keep notes of what you ask of him. But there's no guarantee that you'll get what you ask for without a fight.

As one of five children and the only one helping my mom, I definitely plan to change the locks once my mom passes. I have no idea who has existing keys, but I have already experienced my brother-in -law walking through my mom’s home with a couple if his kids selecting bedroom furniture. He also offered to buy my moms car for his
of his kids. That was two years ago.

As my mom never changed the locks and my sister and this husband lived with her about 18 years ago, I feel like I have an obligation to the other beneficiaries to make sure things don’t just disappear since the estate needs to be divided evenly.

I am currently her POA for Healthcare and Finance. Once she passes I will become trustee of her living trust and executor of her will. It might help to find out if your brother is operating in any official capacity.

I'm sorry for your loss. Others have given you very practical advice. For some emotional consideration, you can only control YOUR actions. Do your best to follow mom's wishes and determine what they are. If someone acts badly, that's their problem and very sad. Try not to make it yours. Emotions are usually raw after a death. Try not to react in anger or with any hysteria. This approach has served me well so far.

You need a lawyer ASAP. You don't have to pay them up front. I had 1 lawyer tell me 5k retainer and then they will discuss my case. Hard pass, wrong answer. Find another.
I had an issue with sibling not giving me answers, walking away when I asked legit questions, ignoring me, and even trying to turn my mom against me while she was dying. Throwing a huge fit bc I asked a nurse a question. She didn't want me to know about my mom's medical issues. So thought she would embarrass me in front of the nurse to silence me. Wrong. I kept asking questions. So I did know about my mom's medical issues.

Your brother has no right to take over the home. He might have stolen the will, or said there is none, hoping he can do what he wants.
You cannot argue or waste time on this! He has told you he plans to steal it. Right in your face. You need help now.
I waited to long after my mom passed. I knew shenanigans were happening, but I did not know anything. My gut was screaming at me to do something, but I hesitated. Do not hesitate! My lawyer said if you had come to me right away we could have gotten to the bottom of it. But I got there in time after dad passed. You need to do something immediately. He's probably removed all the valuables so you can't get it. Maybe cleaned out bank accounts. At least with a lawyer you will get something rather than nothing. Get a lawyer now!!! My sibling lied about everything. Even lied in court. So you need to act on this. I waited to long. Do not wait. You will regret it. I regret waiting along as I did.

Did anyone ask brother why he changed the locks? Maybe it was so he and the rest of you know who is going in/out. Too often, relatives show up and start taking things. The children should ALL know what goes out the door.

Ask him. If he really plans to lock everyone out just so he can take over the property, it's time to get an attorney. If there's a will, all the assets will be designated. If no will, you need an atty for the probate and to get brother notified that nothing moves, sells, etc.

I am so sorry for your loss.
Please, please listen…seek wise council from a attorney. Unfortunately, I have a similar situation. Your attorney will help you through the process and will hold EVERYONE accountable. It will allow you to grieve and the attorney does the rest. Bless you.

Just read this post. My condolences for your loss.

This is a clear example of why it is important to discuss end of life issues with parents, so that there will be no questions when the time comes.

At the end of each year, my Mom and I would go over her important documents: Will, POA, Health Care Proxy, Life Insurance, and Obituary, to discuss any changes. I would then prepare a sheet with the date we did so, and we both would sign it. It gave us peace of mind. The last time was right after Christmas 2021. When I read her Obituary to her again, she commented, "Did I do all that in my life?" I replied, "You bet!" As her son and full-time caregiver, I also was her POA, Health Care Proxy, and Executor.

When she passed in January 2022 at age 93, I was ready to get things moving. Even the funeral director was shocked at my organization. After her funeral, I had all the documents ready to sit down with our Attorney to close the estate. I do have siblings who were not involved whatsoever. They did come to the service at the funeral home, but luckily, gave me no grief afterwards.

As others have noted, please discuss this situation with an attorney.

Get a lawyer.

You Have contacted a lawyer now contact a locksmith to change the locks again and have enough keys made for every family member including the brother who is about to take the house away from you. I’m sorry you have to go through this. Stay strong, follow your instincts and you’ll be all right however this turns out. Good luck.

Consult an attorney right away.

Good Morning,

You mentioned brother and his wife lived down the street in a home. By any chance was your brother doing all of the work? It's hard after a death even when things are on good terms.

But, oftentimes, the one who is doing all the work is tired. If he is down the street more than likely he did a lot of the caregiving work and was always on call.

In some families there are the "Johnny Come Lately's. I am not insinuating this is true for you. They show up at the last mile and I agree changing the locks is the right thing to do. Any place that I have ever lived in, this is the policy. I actually saw a neighbor pass and 10 minutes later his brother-in-law shows up and walks out the door with the deceased one's golf clubs. His wife saying take this now before they change the locks. I kid you not.

Everyone is tired after a death--if you can keep the door open. It sounds like your brother may have had a lot of the responsibility considering his close proximity.

He's probably tired and has had it...something to consider.