Mom is in rehab and calls me multiple times in the middle of the night. Her voicemails are draining me. Suggestions?

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Mom is in rehab and calls me multiple times in the middle of the night. Her voicemails are draining me. Suggestions?

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We had successfully transitioned mom to an ALF on December 1. She loved the community and was settling in nicely. She fell on December 9 and has been in rehab since.

She tested positive for Covid December 23 and has been in quarantine for the past 14 days. She appears to be coming out of that, thankfully.

She has a pattern of calling multiple times during the night — usually starting around 10:30 PM. I wake up in the morning to find six or more “missed calls“ and voicemails. I had to shut my phone off to be able to sleep.

The troubling thing is that she has no concept of time. She often forgets where she is. Sometimes I think she might be “sleep calling“ and gets stuck in that loop, auto calling every 30 minutes or so until she finally falls asleep. She doesn’t remember making the calls the next day.

Worse, the voicemails she leaves make me feel awful. They’re often cries for help — “call someone to get me some water”, “no one is coming to help me”, “please get me out of here”.
I can’t bear to listen to them, and I don’t know what to do.

She’s likely going to be in rehab for another month before she returns to AL. Now that she’s past quarantine, she will begin a fairly aggressive PT and OT schedule to help her recover from the fall. I’m hoping that will help remedy the problem, as she’ll be physically and mentally fatigued by the time she goes to bed.

Any suggestions in the meantime? I’m really worn out over this.

Burnout Family Caregiver Rehabilitation Center

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Do what my children do - delete the messages unheard and call her back. If it was important and still needs doing, she'll be able to tell you when you ring.

If you want to ensure documenting - for example, if you want to keep track of the times she is calling in case there are concerns about staffing or about her mental state - you can note down the individual times of the calls before you delete them.

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Do you call your children all night long, CM? 😉

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You are doing the right thing by turning off the phone.

Have you been able to contact the nursing staff and/or social worker about her overall physical condition and it’s potential impact on her sleep/wake cycles? Does her night time care staff know and address her disrupted sleep and her subsequent phone calls to you?

For example, might there be issues with overnight blood sugar levels, might she be restless because of pain from the fall?

Also ask if there are psychological/psychiatric services available. My LO is carefully watched for sleep issues and small doses of melatonin and other sleep aids have been very helpful to her.

As hard as it may be to consider, YOUR NEED for restorative sleep is JUST AS IMPORTANT to your mom as it is to you. You have obviously been an active conscientious caregiver, and you need to have confidence that her care staff is doing all they can so that your mom gets a good rest too.

You may have to consider requesting that her phone be taken from her at bedtime and returned early in the morning to see if that helps her to develop a better sleep/wake pattern.

Hope you are both enjoying better rest very soon.

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All excellent points and I truly appreciate your support.

I thought taking her phone at night might not be a bad idea anyway, because she’s clearly keeping her roommate awake.

I have stopped listening to the voicemails and will continue to keep my phone shut off at night.

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Why do you have to listen to the messages? You can delete without listening.

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First, I think your Mom needs to be evaluated for a Dementia. Not being aware thats its nighttime and your in bed is one thing. The other is not remembering she even called you. Your Mom has been in a month and isolated 2 weeks of that month. For my GF it was like solitary. She lost it and had to be hospitalized.

How bad was Moms fall? Is rehab just to strengthen her. How long was she in the hospital? I was told for everyday your in the hospital, you only need 3 days of PT if just to get your strength back.

Mom has been through a lot of changes. The AL, hospital and now rehab. It could effect her mind. Strange places, strange people. Isolation. I would block her number at night. You won't even get VMs. There is nothing you can do for her short of taking her out of the facility AMA. Which you can do and Insurance will pay up to that time.

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thanks for your thoughtful reply. If you see my response above, I think that validates a lot of your concerns. Mom has had so much change in the past several months I think that might really be the defining factor here.

The 14 day quarantine only exacerbated things – I’m truly hopeful this pattern will change when she gets out of there.

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Please consider playing these calls for the night crew at the Rehab and ask that they check her as frequently as they are able. About all you can do. As you said there is little memory and no concept of time. For someone who has been through this remarkable adjustment and then got covid, in all truth she is doing better than can be expected. Turn your phone off at night and let the rehab know you have had to do this. Give them another emergency number in case of change in her condition, say a neighbor who might agree to this. Get up in a.m. and listen to the last of her messages, and no others. And get on with the day. I can't think of anything else to tell you. I am so sorry, and am certain your are worn out by it.

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Excellent suggestion. This whole journey started back in August, when mom was hospitalized for a UTI and then admitted to rehab – a different facility than where she is now.

She came home in September to 12 hours of caregiving seven days a week, and then we moved her to AL December 2nd.

So she’s had an unbelievable amount of change thrust at her in just a few short months. Plus Covid. If she gets through this and returns to AL, I can only imagine how much she’ll thrive! 🙏🏼

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Ugh--waking up and seeing 5 missed calls---talk about a jolt to the system.

My DH travels a lot and really never calls me, but when he remembers he's married and maybe should touch base with the ol' ball and chain, he'll inevitably call me at the weirdest hours. 2 am? 4 am? 3 pm? It's all a blur. And he wonders why I am NOT HAPPY to hear from him any time after 8 pm when I 'quit' for the day.

Posts like this make me so glad my mother isn't capable of using the phone anymore.

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Thanks everyone!

I truly appreciate your support and helpful suggestions. I’m so grateful for this community!

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I promise your mom sounds like my mom to a science. Her fall triggered dementia. Your mom sounds like she has dementia.

If I missed anything concerning that my apologies. Just reading your post sounds like my mother.

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This is serious, and you must stop it. I was in your shoes and turned off my phone at night. When Mom realized she couldn’t get my attention, she stopped trying. If she’s in a facility, be sure to inform those in charge that you’re taking that action. If you don’t get your sleep at night, you will be unable to be there for her. You can’t take care of her, if you don’t take care of you!!

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Unplug your telephone at night. Any bad news can wait until you turn it on again in the morning. If you let her drain all of your sleep time, you won't have the energy to deal with her (and all that comes with it) in the day time. Trust me.

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How is she calling you? Does she have a cell phone? Is she using one at the nursing desk? Cell phone, take it away discretely. Using one at the nurses station? See if you can get them to not let her make calls at night.

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I would agree that as long as you're certain that the staff is taking care of your mom, you could delete the messages. However, my mom did the same thing when she was in a rehab facility at the beginning of 2020 to June 1st 2020. Turns out the night staff was so understaffed that she had her call light on for a few hours and no one would answer it. The nurses forgot to give my mom her pain meds or my mom needed help to use the bathroom and nobody would check on her. One time she scratched her leg on her wheelchair and was bleeding all over her room because she is in blood thinners. Each time I called the nurses station and they admitted they had not "gotten to her yet". I had to get mad and tell them that because they're not doing their job, I cannot get any sleep and its effecting my job. But if your mom doesn't remember making the calls in the morning maybe its not a lack of staff and her actually needing help. I just wanted to comment my experiences since no one else has thought of this possibility.

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My mom can't use the call light. They cathed her out of convenience. I opened a case w AFS about neglect but didn't follow thru as nurses called me to reassure of her care. I hv Covid vaccine. Why won't they let me in to see mom???

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My mom started the same thing. She called as many as 30x a day..often hanging up on me..Her MD advised I take her cell phone away. I did!! I call the facility and talk to her on a routine schedule. She is now happy with that.. take the phone!!

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Take the phone off her. Does she need it in rehab?

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Take away here only communication? You dump someone off and when they are being neglected and are afraid ...You don't want to be bothered.... Try HELPING THEM INSTEAD!

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My mother experienced something very similar, though not to this extreme. Went into ICU for blood sugar, then transferred to nursing home, was in quarantine for two weeks, then entered as a “regular” patient. She had MANY calls that were just as you describe: When are you coming to get me? This is a prison! The staff is awful! And on. After I confirmed with the nurses that she was well taken care of, I started letting it go-realizing that she had a lot of change in a short amount of time, and also that dementia was an issue. She was clearly sundowning because it was only happening at night. Things are starting to taper off now as she is getting more comfortable (she won’t be going home). She is getting some anxiety medications- so I don’t know if you have looked into that, but worth a shot. It is okay to let it go, knowing this is just part of either adjusting or a new reality for her.

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Do NOT give someone with dementia anxiety medications or sleeping pills. It makes the dementia worse! It also causes more falls and injuries.

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Don't listen to the voicemails.

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Your mom may have legitimate concerns. I would call the nurse on duty and have them check on your mom and have the nurse call you back. I would also contact the nurse manager the next day with any concerns.
My mom has been at two assisted living facilities & in and out of rehab a few times. You are paying them to care for your mom. They need to communicate with you what’s going on. Also, many of these facilities are understaffed, especially at night.
It may be that she’s getting good care but I would urge you to find out what’s going on at the facility.
I wish you and your mom peace of mind.

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I feel sorry for your mom as she is living the pain. Im sure whatever she's saying is true. She is thirsty or whatever. It's a known fact that these facilities are short handed and you are left thirsty or needing to go to the bathroom or be changed because no one helps you go to the bathroom.
You are her only source of help.
I'm sure you don't like listening to her phone messages but you'd be a lot sadder if it were the other way around and it was you making the calls.

Sad situation, especially getting covid and having to be in jail 2 weeks which must have been a living he'll for her.

She probably got checked on 3 times a day just for meals and hopefully that.

Prayers

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Try not to take it to heart. My mother used to do this and the calls were all distress calls e.g. she told me she was lost in the village; stood outside a furniture shop amd needed me to pick her up but she had made the call from her own home and was not out anywhere.
She didn't remember calling.
Talking to a specialist he said that the distress would have been very short lived and that was learned behaviour. That my mother was looking for attention but was not necessarily as unhappy as she sounded.
Good luck with it all - none of this is easy.

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I blocked my mother’s phone calls. Sounds a little harsh but I feel much better. Her calls were threatening and she was hallucinating. You have the option of blocking the number at night and turning it back on in the morning. If there is an emergency the facility will be able to call you. As much as I promised myself I wouldn’t listen to her messages, I always did and I was making myself crazy. My mother would call all night with stories of drunken parties in her room, once there was a Union strike and protest with guns, and always cursing at me and threatening to sue me etc. I get how exhausting it is. When this first started I did call the front desk to check on her. They said nothing was wrong. Then she called me and told me that I was going behind her back and calling the nurses just to make her look like an a**hole. Sigh. Don’t feel bad about getting some sleep and do what you are comfortable with in order to do just that!

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No it doesn’t sound harsh. I had to do the same thing. Help was there if he needed it. I needed my mental health more than he needed to make calls

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I disagree with posters telling you to take the calls. Even if you did, what are you going to do for her in the middle of the night? You have to have sleep and while she can stay up all night hallucinating and making phone calls and then take naps throughout the day, you more than likely can't. One thing you could do is talk to the facility and ask if they can place a glass of water on her tray or side table so that if she gets thirsty, water is easily available. That is to make you feel better, not her. Because the reality is that even if they do that, she won't remember or recognize that it's there. You can't fix her mental state and you can't sit by her side 24/7 to reassure her. Maybe you could tell the facility what is going on and maybe they can giver her something to help her sleep. I would turn the phone off and try not to feel guilty. This is an ugly time of life...no two ways about it. I have dealt with the crazy calls from my mother and I know how exhausting it is and I feel for you.

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Don't listen to the messages or get rid of voice mail. or get a voice mail that limits the message (30 secs).

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Seems your mom is upside down on her wake/sleep cycles or has Sundowner's Syndrome. Let the facility know that you are getting multiple phone calls in the evening from her and that she is distressed. ask them to visit her more often in the evenings and document any confusion or anxiety in their nursing notes. The staff at her facility should be able to handle wake/sleep cycle disruptions and/or Sundowner's Syndrome. You may need to call her doctor as well and let him/her know about her evening anxiety. The doctor may prescribe medication to help her fall asleep in the evening and/or anti-anxiety medication to help her relax.

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My mother's physician started her on Risperdal and it worked wonders on the Sundowning. Anti-anxiety meds like Valium can contribute to their confusion. Even Benadryl can cause memory loss. Your parent needs to see a board certified geriatric physician. Good luck and do not feel guilty about turning the phone off. If you are not well rested, you cannot function.

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When my dad was in rehab from a fall, I finally had the phone in his room removed. Because he would call me to complain or to tell me he needed this or that even though I could do nothing about it and the nurses weren’t coming. Which of course was not true...but as everyone here knows you can’t reason with dementia. He acted like he was the only patient in rehab and they should come the minute he put his light on. So finally I told the nurses if he wanted to talk to me, he had to ask her and she would call us. That helped tremendously. And from there he went to the LTC and we never let him have a phone. It just didn’t serve any good purpose. And actually he didn’t miss it. Again we had the nurse call us if he wanted to talk which was rare. The problem is they sit and fret and get worked up because no one is coming to help and so they call YOU when there is nothing you can do. So if you choose to listen to the voicemails realize that this is pretty normal behavior. That there is no guilt needed and delete each one.
you might even see if something like Trazadone given at night would help her sleep and lessen this anxiety. It helped my dad

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I turned off the volume of my phone in my bedroom. His messages went to voice mail. Most of his calls are repetitive and usually of minor concerns. My father is/was always a demanding, narcissistic man. These characteristics have been magnified since his mild dementia. He has referred to the nurses’ station as a concierge, and expects his demands be met immediately even though most are very low priority. I suggest you do the same. Do not feel guilty. Take care of yourself, and do the best you can. Speak to his doctor about treating him with a medication that will ease his anxiety. Also, sometimes this behavior can be caused by anxiety and/or depression. Make sure he is evaluated for both. My father has been treated with Paxil since I discussed this matter with his physician. It has cut down on the number of repetitious and nighttime phone calls. And he does not sound as anxious. He also engages in more social activities...which before the Paxil...he wanted to stay in his room and not engage with people or activities. One last thought...be sure your parent has activities to exercise his/her mind, and gets some physical exercise.

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I agree that it's ok for you to mute your phone at night, so that you can sleep. Her facility will let you know if it's a real emergency, and they'll take care of things.

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When I was in rehab myself after a hip fracture, it was common for nurses or aides to not show up when called--I often had to wait for several hours for pain medicine or a trip to the bathroom.

I say that only to acknowledge that your mother really might be wishing for some kind of help, but it is not your job to do. Rehab services are what they are. Your mother will no doubt survive the experience, despite the inconveniences.

You are not going to take her a midnight glass of water nor fluff her pillow nor take her out of rehab. Either don't listen to the messages, or don't let them make you feel guilty.

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I totally understand you. My mother is the the same way. I think it might be mostly from being lonely and wanting tons of attention. My mother does the same thing and sometimes she curses me on my voicemail if I don't respond quick enough. She use to call me and hang up, if I did not answer her, like 10 or more times a day until I put a stop to that. If I tell her I am working, she respects that and then backs off. And the calls after 9:30 pm, I get those too. She just wants to talk about her fears or how she sees things or ghosts are touching her, etc I try and give her as much attention as I can but now without violating my own person or space. Here is the real balance and challenge.

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I understand completely i took care of my mom at home 24/7. First, how did she fall if she's in a facility being cared for? Second is it so bad if u just answer n reassure her its ok. She just misses you n is probably is scared. She raised u and obviously did a good job if your feeling bad. You have sincere emotions. You also said WE put her in the home. Can u talk to that person about it and share the phone calls. You didn't say how old mom was but remember they turn into children as she took care of you as a child now it's your turn. If she is a loving patient mom like mine was i wish I could hear her call me now,, as it was her birthday yesterday. I pray she heard me tell her i love her n she was the vest mom! Be patient as you will regret every moment when she's gone! I did my best caring for her alone but there were times I can't change now. Tell her you love her when she calls I pray 🙏 for you n mom!

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I would call the facility she may be neglected. Call the next morning for an update. My mom has called us in the middle of the night before

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Mom is in rehab and calls me multiple times in the middle of the night. Her voicemails are draining me. Suggestions?

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