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We all want to hear back from you. Are you reading all forum's ideas reached out to?
I feel like a lot of us succumb to "pressure" from any type of working professional be it a car salesman, bankers, life insurance agents etc. All we have to do is look at advertisements and see all the methods that are used.
Years ago, we almost did a reverse mortgage for my mom but, decided against it since we were not completely convinced it was a good or right thing to do.
You say she had lowered her spending by 90%, you plan to sell and move within the next year and you are moving in with her - sorry but, you don't need to do the loan. These people know how to "manipulate" others and they are "manipulating" you and your mother. The oldest trick in the book is to see a lonely, older person - befriend them and they think they have it in the bag. The woman agent should not be acting in this manner. That's exactly how my mom ended up doing a ten-year annuity without my knowledge which came up for renewal this year. Since I'm now her financial power of attorney, I called the company and said I wanted to cash out and I put it in her money market.
Please go with your intuition and remember you "NEVER, EVER" have to agree to anything that involves your own personal money/assets. This is their livelihood and therefore they are good at the "hard sell" at your expense (literally and figuratively speaking).
You need to firmly let them know you are in charge and in control of the situation. I would firmly say (with no apologies or explanations) you are no longer in need of or interested in doing a reverse mortgage but, thank you for your time. PERIOD! turn around, leave and don't go back. End of story. Good luck!
Also, by all means …. step up to the plate and be firm with this person. Tell this lady not to contact your mom any more. Tell her if she does, it is harrassment.
Some people try to take advantage of the most vulnerable. You got to put a stop to it.
Has advised actions been taken yet? We readers are looking out for your mother and you for all the best!
I would write her an email (and CC her company boss in the email) and make it very clear that at this time your family plans are such and such and your mom is not interested in pursuing talks of reverse mortgage - if at some point in the future a reverse mortgage might be a good option we may contact your agency - thank you very much blah blah blah-and If she has any questions please direct them to your email - This lets her know that you see what's going on without being confrontational - and if she truly wants to be friends with your mom -great- just drop the reverse mortgage discussions----- that's not what friends talk about anyway
She is licensed and therefore must abide by the code of ethics from her board- if she continues to contact your mother after that then you may have to contact her board.
Tell your mom that she is being scammed. Don’t be surprised when she expresses hurt, embarrassment and denial. Support her - she feels humiliated.
This woman’s “friendship” with your mom is inappropriate and manipulative. She surely has other victims that might not tell their family what is happening.
Thankfully you know about the situation.
This happened to my grandmother. She had stockbrokers coming to visit her in her home. They told her not to tell anybody. She lost her investment, of course. The statute of limitations on any lawsuit that could be filed had tolled when she finally discussed this with family. They could only be reported after the fact.
Trust your intuition. Intuition is the voice of life...direct. If you feel the agent is 'too friendly'...she is!
A lot of times "right information, wrong person" is the case. Meaning, your Mum may not listen to you.
However, if you get an outsider, perhaps a loving relative...or even better a female counsellor who preferably has experience with the elderly. Chose a warm person
Hospital systems have social & welfare workers . However, you might check with your medical insurance provider, they will have counsellors on their lists.
Rather a counsellor or therapist than a psychologist or psychiatrist
Then you could express your concerns, your goals for yourself and your Mother, and not least of all..your fears for your mothers safety & well being in every sense..including financially
A counselor could speak with both of you together. Listening is a learned skill. Professional counsellors (a good one) have this down to a fine art.
I would suggest considering a few sessions, and discussing what your Mothers hopes and plans are for the future...and Yours also :)
I admire your Mother's discipline by 'cutting spending by 90%'...wow, impressive.
He forgot to give your Mum clear definable goals. eg..a reasonable budget to clear her debts, save money, and have some quality of life.
So maybe she can have a budget which makes life more fun and enjoyable, while still taking care of her financial stability
Perhaps the counselor could assist in this area also, or recommend you to someone ethical who could
You might consider having your Mother write a 'bucket list' also.
One of my Grandma's favourite wise sayings was
"To be happy we have to have
something to do
something to look forward to
And, someone to love"
My Grandfather resents me "telling him what to do"
However, I keep on loving him (even when i can't stand his annoying attitude :) & doing the things I hope a loved one might do for me when Im elderly...
I found out about a senior center in his area where they have many classes and courses. He started going and it has helped his outlook a Lot.
Not such a 'glum chum' now. Mostly he likes to 'hang out & shoot pool with a guys' there. Wasn't too keen on the classes :) Sounds like back in high school at 84 !
He has something to look forward to
There may be a group in your Mothers area she could join. There are many groups online now while we are on lockdown. Writers groups, groups that watch & discuss old movies, groups that discuss cooking, flower arranging, knitting, all sorts of hobby groups. Im sure with a little research & patience you could find one that would put a smile on your Mothers face.
Lastly, i hope your Mother realizes how really lucky she is to have you looking out for her and loving her.
My apologies this is wordy
What a scam artist this woman is! It DOES cost, which I'm sure you are aware of. If not, or for others interested, just like ANY mortgage, there are FEES to process the damn loan!
"The origination fee covers a lender's operating expenses associated with originating the reverse mortgage. A lender can charge the greater of $2,500 or 2% of the first $200,000 of your home's value plus 1% of the amount over $200,000. HECM origination fees are capped at $6,000."
Plus, they use a calculator to determine how much of the value you can take - it is NOT guaranteed that you would get the whole current value of the home as factors like age are used.
Even more scary is having someone who is overspending being told by a financial advisor that they may need a RM if they keep this up - for those who don't have help and/or can't curtail their spending (kudos to you for getting mom's habits changed! not easy when dementia is at play.), they could continue spending and waste ALL the funds from the RM!!! The primary reason I can think for considering this (last resort) is to stay in one's own home and have funds to pay for care. Otherwise, RMs are a potentially dangerous beast!
"She sent the RM agent an email and told her mom didn't need a RM ..period. the agent said she would cancel the paperwork that mom keeps putting on hold. I pray this is the end."
Hopefully that quashed this woman's overzealous attempts to coerce your mother into signing for an RM! BUT, I would not just pray - I would follow up on it with the person you contacted, to be sure mom's off the "to do" list. If mom is still living alone in her home, can you set up a camera, to monitor who comes/goes? Sounds like your mother is somewhat gullible and if this person keeps coming around, I would take the next step and threaten legal action.
Hopefully you do have all the POA paperwork done - if so, I would remove all check books and let her have one small limit CC or debit card, if she insists (try to work with her and keep these with you, but she can still use them when you are there.)
"But she sees on TV Tom Selleck selling RM and she thinks if she does a RM she will meet him. SCARY"
On one hand, that is just so cute and sweet. On the other, yes it IS very scary! How many other little old ladies are sucked into that "dream" or any number of others?
As to your other comments:
"...she would be moving for 5yrs."
"Mom is so confused she told me a week ago that she has not talked to her Granddaughter in 4yrs , when she just talked to her a month ago and 4 other times since December."
These are some of the hallmarks of early dementia stages. Losing concept of time, repetition, forgetfulness (more than just where did I leave my damn keys!) I highly recommend learning all you can while you can, esp before this move. There are many sites (alz org or this site among others) that list the stages and the common symptoms. Knowing what you to expect is very beneficial. There are no hard and fast rules about what symptoms and which stages, each person has their own journey, but being aware of what might come along is SO helpful! I was totally unaware of all that goes on, and started learning all I could when mom was similar to your mom now. It did help, but I still had more to learn. For instance, UTIs can cause odd behavior, like sun-downing. In mom's case, she had that once, but now it shows up as night time bed wetting! Any sudden change in demeanor, suspect UTI - easy and cheap to test for and treatment will usually resolve the issues. Also, since she's already having early signs, beware that your move with her can disorient her and possibly cause some additional memory loss (one reason we often recommend a single move to MC AL rather than AL then MC.)
Hopefully the RM lady has exited your mom's orbit, never to return! Best of luck with your move and future care-giving!
ASAP!!!
My brother tried taking my moms house and all her assets without my knowing. Mom doesnt have the education but of a 4th grader, so he took advantage of that. The attorney who signed the POA and the will should be shot.
All has since been rectified and as it should be.
My point is, dont assume your mom will do the right thing. People can coerce her and she will think shes doing the right thing.
Also, if this person is employed by such a bank to whatever, you need to report this person. NOW!
Please please reread everyone’s posts, make notes as to suggestions and find a elder law atty to update your moms legal and try to get her bank accounts as POD/ TOD to you ASAP.
Listen we get it, all of us have in some way had to deal with a parent who isn’t competent and cognitive. As Alva posted, it sounds like she’s on the cusp of competency. You have to get stuff done while she’s still somewhat able to appear competent and cognitive. If that means she goes to the beauty shoppe on Tuesday and then to attys office on Wednesday between 9-11 as she’s still perky then & looking good, it’s what you gotta do. She need to be able to show some competency.
If she’s been target by grifters once, it’s likely to happen again.
My mom had Lewy Body Dementia and could carry on a reasonable conversation for the 3-10 minutes most folks stop to chat in. She was still good on the ADLs & knew how to coordinate her wardrobe and did weekly beauty shoppe. She had decades of being very social to kick in to autopilot. But if you really talked with her beyond a few minutes, she was in another solar system filled with false beliefs. Thankfully her legal, banking, codicil was all done way way before she moved into a NH. You can’t wait on stuff as the bank will likely want her to sit in a bank officers office on her own to verify that whatever’s being changed is what she wants to do. If you take her to SSA office, they will do this too.
Really for her own safety and security, and your own sanity, get with an atty to review her legal and do whatever fresh needed & soon.
Please take our forum readers' suggested action ASAP with POA, etc. now, before your mother's situation becomes an expensive emergency. Do not fall for and be taken advantage of these apparent scam-type requests. I would like to know how your mother's concerned outcome safely works out, but that sharing is your mother's and your option. Thank you for reaching out to Agingcare for our advice!
I certainly am glad I had this done for my sister who has Alzheimer’s!
I am the only family my sister has! I had to give my sisters home back to the bank - she had a reverse mortgage & her hubby had died so I had to take matter into making sure my sister had the care she needed!I had to empty her home & pay her bills that she had not paid for the last 6 months! It has been nine yrs ago ! My sister just turned 76 & is in a nursing home & no longer knows me! She is well taken care of! I’m glad
now that having POA came with no instances!
REVERSE MORTGAGE is a mess.
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